This handbook is very introductory in nature. It is meant to remain surface, not too deeply explaining figures. It could be written and rewritten chapter by chapter and never really will get finished being written.
"The Book" is aimed towards the younger and middle brothers. It deals with ten very important chapters, such as: Approaching Marriage, The Nature of Sisters, Sisters' Need for Reassurance, and further studies on how to be towards sisters, etc.
It is dealing with the old nature, not treating sisters as the new creation. It is helpful in coming to understand how to conduct yourself towards the sisters with respect to their two natures. They are both young women and sisters. The word "sister" means the combination of both the old and the new. It is a separating yet unifying term.
Again, it is important to remember that "a book in the hand is worth two in your dreams." It is true that "The Book" is not perfect, but because it is available it should be urgently pursued.
With the attitudes of the brothers being willing and continually trying, the result will be the end of this problem--how the brothers leave the sisters alone. It will be an instant winner because of the situation now: every brother is alone and his views are his own and whatever he picks up. There isn't a fellowshipping among the brothers in finding a common answer.
So, "The Book" will be of great importance to the brothers who want to be right and reflecting Jesus.
It comes down to this: "let him deny himself, and quit looking good, and follow me." Keep that in mind as you read this book.
Sisters, more than brothers, are run by their feelings and their emotions. When a sister is emotional, she is usually unsteady and tossed about which causes her view of Jesus to be cloudy. A sister will often believe that her emotions and feelings are facts. When a sister is emotional, a brother may feel as though he can't help her. Being understanding and gently leading her to Jesus is the most helpful and loving thing a brother can do. A sister's emotions should neither be ignored nor indulged, but they must be rightly handled through faith in Jesus' promises.
"Bestowing honor on the woman as the weaker sex . . ." (1 Pe. 3:7) God made women to be the weaker sex, both physically and spiritually. Sisters were made to be helpers (Gen. 2:18) and not leaders. A sister needs to be taken care of. She is made to be dependent on others. A sister's main weaknesses are her fears, feelings and insecurities. Even physically she is not very strong.
Brothers have stability while sisters are more tossed by their feelings and insecurities; they go to extremes. Because of her feelings, a sister will find it harder at times to trust that Jesus loves her, and this makes her more vulnerable to the lies of the devil. Her view of Jesus isn't very clear because she is a female, so she relies on the brothers for a right view of Jesus.
These are a few reasons why sisters are weaker and need Jesus and the brothers.
Above all, a sister wants to be happy and secure. This search for security is a very strong, motivating force on each of them. Almost everything a sister does is initiated by this deep seated search and her tendency is to put this desire above all else. She needs to come to put her security in Jesus' love and kindness towards her; here fears of her future can then be put to rest.
A sister will be the happiest and most secure and fulfilled when she is close to Jesus and confident that he is pleased with her. She then is freer and more peaceful because these desires are satisfied. Jesus uses the brothers' kindness very much to help reassure them and uphold them in these weaknesses.
The most important thing for a sister to remember in her fight of the faith is that the Father himself loves her; she is not fighting on her own. Often a sister doesn't remember how precious she is to Jesus when she is going through trials.
A sister's fight of the faith is different than a brother's. Hers is an inward struggle over her fears, feelings and emotions. At times, when she is going through trials, it is more difficult for her to put her faith in Jesus' promises rather than trust her feelings. She only has to stand still and see the salvation of the Lord. When a sister isn't trusting that Jesus is taking care of her, there is a pressure on her to put her security in her surroundings or in marriage.
Just as Jesus was a human being as well as a spiritual man, so sisters are young women who have received Jesus' spirit. They need to be remembered as having both natures, human and spiritual. Just as Jesus had the needs, desires and weaknesses of a male, sisters, being young women, also have their particular needs, desires and weaknesses.
Sisters will more easily acquire a realistic view of their shepherd when the brothers seek to help them humanly along with encouraging them in Jesus.
The fellowship of the sisters ought to be devoted, joyful and peaceful. The only way their fellowship can be pleasing to Jesus is if it is centered in his death, resurrection and soon coming (1 Co. 15:3, 4). Whenever two sisters meet, Jesus and our hope should be the basis of their conversation. It's much too easy for sisters to choose to chit-chat.
Often, sisters will be vague or indirect when the fellowship with one another, and one reason is because of shame. If when two sisters speak they decide to speak of Jesus and their love for him, they will more easily come to the light with one another. The only thing that sisters respect between them is devotion to Jesus.
Sisters almost always will have a wrong view of themselves. They often run to "I'm bad" and "Jesus is not pleased with me." Sisters condemning themselves is a weakness.
Comparing themselves with other sisters will cause them to have wrong views of themselves and how they are to be. They forget that their Father never makes comparisons and is personal with every one of his children.
Another wrong view sisters will have is that they must be strong and able to handle anything; Jesus wants them to depend on his love for them. Sisters will easily get a right view of themselves and how Jesus wants them to be through the Bible.
There are many different things that make a sister happy, but the most important one is her genuine devotion to Jesus and knowing that he is pleased with her.
Here are some ideas of what makes a sister happy:
The truth about this matter is that it has been greatly exaggerated; therefore, many sisters fear dong "Eve numbers" and brothers are ever watchful of being manipulated by "Eve." The majority of the sisters in our fellowship want to be led by Jesus and devoted to him, so there is no real reason for a brother to be suspicious of a sister's actions. "Eve" is a wrong spirit that can work through a sister, but if she desires to be close to Jesus, this is not a problem at all.
The Patriarchs often met their wives by the water and in many ways, sisters are like water. All sisters are alike, as one drop of water is the same as the next. In viewing the sisters, it is important to remember these characteristics.
First of all, water takes the shape of its container. Often you can tell how a fellowship is by the way the sisters are. If the brothers in the fellowship are not close to Jesus, the sisters can be unsettled. But if the fellowship, the container, is centered in Jesus, the sisters will be secure.
Water drips along and will take the path of least resistance. If a sister isn't consciously choosing Jesus, she will drip away, but the brothers can help in guiding her back to faith in Jesus.
A sister needs to be reassured that Jesus is pleased with her; the devil knows this and so tries to use anything he can to upset or hinder her. One thing which is a strong force on a sister is shame, when she sees or is shown wrong things in herself. She easily gets ashamed and the devil makes her feel condemned or think that she is "bad." Until she is reassured, this can be unsettling.
Also, when there is mistrust or disagreements in the fellowship, this can upset a sister's sense of security and she feels like she must take care of or change things.
Sometimes a sister may feel unsettled and not know why. It's not best to try and figure it out. Much of the time it will only be her feelings.
If a sister doesn't have the sense of being loved or needed, this can be upsetting to her. Sisters need to be close to others and to see that others are concerned for them and their happiness.
The Bible shows that a right woman diligently applies herself to helpful tasks. Eve was created as a helper; Ruth, Rebecca and the good wife of Proverbs 31 are eager and devoted (Gen. 24:15-20; Ruth 2:3, 7, 11). Sisters in the gospels administered to Jesus' needs (Mt. 27:55, 56; Lk. 4:38, 39). Women aren't pictured as helping the men at war, but in physical ways. This doesn't mean that they are only physical, but this is the aspect the Bible deals with most.
Sisters need to be involved in both the physical and spiritual work--having the hands of Martha and the mind of Mary (Lk. 10:38-42; Pro. 31:13).
In the spiritual work, sisters ought to be a real help in taking care of lambs, the brothers leading them to Jesus and the sisters raising them up. Sisters are especially fulfilled by this as it corresponds to their purpose of bearing and raising children.
Security is the thing that the female is particularly lacking, and therefore particularly seeking. Very much of what a sister does comes from this search. Since sisters cannot provide this for themselves, genuine security for a sister only comes from looking to direction outside herself. In her mind she knows that her only real security is Jesus, but it is hard for her to trust that, in reality, and she will easily look for security in other things.
The search begins with a sister's own fuzzy ideas of what her security ought to be. She takes off with this interpretation, making sure to examine every possible answer she may find. She winds up working against herself and destroying any security she does have in Jesus. She badly needs to differentiate between genuine security and her own idea of security. It is foreign for a young woman to think in those terms, though. She needs help.
From the beginning, God planned to direct sisters through the brothers. It is very important for sisters to see the brothers as stronger than they and giving right direction. A sister having a right husband is the best way her Father has arranged to take care of this great need of hers.
Marriage is the best way for a sister to be secure and taken care of in this life. She knows that she must wait for it and not pursue it herself. When a sister is insecure, though, often the first thing that will enter her mind is that "the solution is marriage." See: "Sister's View of Marriage." Another very likely force on her is to look to her physical family, knowing that they have provided for her for most of her life. The devil will quickly suggest that her family loves her more than anyone else. A sister also finds a certain security in looking pretty, because she wants and needs to be accepted and be a part of things. She is afraid of being left alone.
Many of these forces occur unconsciously for a younger sister. She doesn't understand why these things happen, but it comes from the need deep within her to be secure. Even though some sisters may appear to be stable outwardly, they are no less a part of this same search.
It is helpful for the brothers to understand the sisters' search for security in order to direct them to their real security. Remembering the dependant nature of sheep to their shepherd will help you more clearly see how the sisters need the brothers to direct them in the Way.
By nature, sisters are weaker, and therefore more emotional than brothers. The devil knows this and through her emotions he is able to cloud a sister's view of reality, making her sight of Jesus grow dimmer and dimmer. If she allows herself to be run by her emotions, she will lose her stability and be easily tossed about.
A sister will often be "stirred up" by a feeling, whether consciously or unconsciously. Almost anything can trigger such a feeling--insecurity, a bad experience, a wrong thing she has done or even her own appearance, to name a few. The devil, the "author of confusion," gets her to be overwhelmed by her emotions and act impulsively, blow things out of proportion, or try to take a situation into her own hands, or all three. What she must realize is that it is at these times that the devil wants her to act in haste and panic rather than trust that Jesus has her life under control. Now, more than ever, she needs to be gently reassured that her Lord is stronger than her feelings. This is especially common with younger sisters.
The reason a sister gets nervous and emotional so much is because she is living in an unnatural way, caught between two things: the flesh and the spirit. The process of how the devil takes advantage of these emotions is by first getting her to wail ("how hard things are," etc.), then leads her into becoming a "grouch." This only happens if she takes her eyes off the hopeful things and chooses to FOCUS on those feelings. He uses her worries like a carrot on a string by getting her to try to figure out the worries: why they are there, where they came from, etc., etc., leading to "round and round." Once the devil has gotten her to take her emotions seriously, she gets caught up in a spider web of conflicting feelings that become the center of her life. She starts to sink like Peter did when he looked at the waves (Mt. 14:30). What she must do at this point is to invest just as much effort in focusing on faith in Jesus as she put into worrying. She must choose looking to Him rather than those "threatening waves."
In these ways, the devil uses a sister's emotions as a tool to make her ashamed of herself, ashamed of Jesus, forgetful of His love for her, alone and unhappy. As a sister grows in Jesus, she is able to see these designs of the devil working through her emotions more clearly. Her growing older physically, too, makes her become more stable and less easily tossed. With time, as her Father raises her to become a daughter, a sister is able to overcome her emotions through faith in Jesus a lot better. "Thou dost rule the raging of the sea; when its waves rise, thou stillest them" (Ps. 89:9).
One of the devil's designs is to separate sisters from one another. One sister can understand another because they are extremely alike, but the devil's lie is that she is different, and that no one understands her. If he gets his way, she will end up alone and distant from help. Then she is easy prey for his deceitful tricks (Ecc. 4:9-12).
When fellowshipping, there is a strong force in a sister to not be honest about the things of which she's ashamed. If she gives in to this force, the devil uses shame to keep her from being honest and in the light. As a result, she will act in an unreal way, most of her conversation being centered in the old, and when she tries to speak of the new, it sounds empty. She will believe that "no one is as bad as me and does the shameful things that I do . . ." If she doesn't have a clear conscience, it will be hard for her to be honest about the wrong things she sees in another. She will think, "how can I be my sister's keeper when I do the same wrong things?" Giving in to shame in this way will make her quite ineffective.
When two sisters are close to each other, there is a force to be goofy and to hide in one another. Because they are comfortable with one another, it is easy for them to always be with each other instead of extending fellowship to other sisters. When two sisters are together and are both sowing to the old, their fellowship will undoubtedly be in chit-chat or in wailing. On the other hand, if a sister is not close to another, there is a force to calculate about what the other sister thinks of her, and to act according to those calculations.
A younger sister will especially want to be accepted by older sisters, and will easily worry about what they think of her. Coming from her insecurities, a sister will compare herself with another and make that sister the standard of how she should be. When she sees that she does not meet that standard of how she should be, she winds up feeling discouraged and condemned (2 Cor. 10:12). If she continues to sow to this, oftentimes she will become jealous of that sister and then she may become "catty" toward her. ("Cattiness" is being spiteful and cutting someone under-the-counter in order to gain advantage. It is particularly a female trait."
All these forces can be overcome when a sister is trusting Jesus and walking in the light. She will then be free, knowing that she who does what is true has no condemnation in the light.
Since different spirits will cause sisters to react in different ways, a brother's spirit will also have a great effect on sisters. Whether he is looking to Jesus or not, there are both right and wrong forces on a sister that affect her in different ways.
When a brother has a right spirit there is a requirement on a sister to do what is right, to be submissive and obedient. There is more of a force to check herself to see whether or not she is pleasing to Jesus. If a sister sees the brother taking the lead she gets a sense of security. She then knows she is being taken care of and she will be more peaceful. If she sees a right example of Jesus in him, there is more encouragement and motivation to be a help to the brothers.
When a brother's spirit is right, there are always natural forces of the old acting within a sister. Seeing the brother take the lead, the sister could easily become lazy and "sit back," or even have an attitude of "motivate me," not being responsible to Jesus himself. Another force on her is to take advantage of a brother who is being kind in order to get wrong attention. If she continues to sow to these wrong forces, this when "Eve" can begin to work through her. (See "Truth about Eve" section)
A sister, knowing that a brother can rightly require her, may try to smooth over wrong things, making herself seem "innocent." If a brother requires a sister there are forces on her to rebel and to try to find fault with him in order to not have to listen.
Sisters may be self-conscious around brothers, feeling insecure about whether or not they are accepted by them. Or, when a brother is kind and personal, a sister may misinterpret his actions as "he likes me!" There is a force to fantasize about having a relationship with him to hope in marriage. If a sister indulges this she could try to manipulate and maneuver a relationship with him. (See "Not Acting Wisely")
When a sister is with a brother who is not looking to Jesus she will feel insecure. She begins to feel like it is "all on her" to do something in a given situation. A sister more confident in herself will want to take control of the situation, acting independently of the brother. She could easily get anxious and pushy, and the results are an unhappy, unpeaceful sister. A sister who is less confident in herself would easily withdraw and worry under these circumstances and fear that the brother will not take the lead. In either case, it is easy for her to be resentful and wail about the situation and to find fault even when the brother is putting out more effort. When a sister sees that a brother does not have much strength to require or direct her, there is also the force to try to push him around in order to have her own way.
When brothers aren't being responsible to Jesus, the sister may (out of wanting to move them) tell them every wrong thing they do. Or, she could go to the other extreme of "mothering." Mothering is feeling sorry for them and trying to justify any wrong thing they do instead of leaving the responsibility up to them. (A sister may even want to mother a brother who is looking to Jesus. She would want to protect him because she is afraid she will loose any source of security that she does have.)
Sisters can also start to feel lonely and rejected when they do not see the brothers caring for their real needs. This can make a sister think that there is something wrong with her, and that no one loves her. She quickly looses sight of Jesus' kindness in this way. When the brothers are caring about the sisters, they will be happier and freer to trust their Lord.
There are many forces acting upon a sister while in the world. She is especially susceptible to these because of her inherent weaknesses. (See "The Nature of Sisters")
Most of a sister's day is spent at her job where there are many forces at work on her. She is especially driven by wanting to be accepted, but she must realize that just as there is no fellowship between light and darkness, neither will there be between her and the unsaved men and women in the world (2 Cor. 6:14).
If they act kindly toward her, a sister will want to think that the unsaved care about her. But she knows that they really don't, since at other times they will try to take advantage of her and push her around, knowing that she is a Christian.
Is an unsaved man acts kindly toward a sister, the force on her is to want attention and to find security in him. This is really normal, because every sister wants attention. This force wouldn't be so overwhelming, though, if she were getting the right attention and kindness that she needs from the brothers. It is very dangerous if a sister allows herself to believe that an unsaved man can take care of her because this leads to backsliding. Instead, she must trust her heavenly Father to provide all her needs.
When "dirty old men" make advances toward a sister, she has different reactions, depending upon the situation. For example, if an ugly old man on the street says something to a sister, she gets angry and disgusted. However, there are more forces at work when an attractive man flirts with her. In this case, she gets ashamed since part of her likes it. She feels unclean because of this, and the devil gets her to believe that it's all her fault (when it really is not).
Every sister wants to look pretty and needs to be accepted. The force, then, is to think at work, "Every girl looks prettier than I do . . ." She will spend much time and energy thinking about having those pretty clothes, etc. Sisters tend to condemn themselves for these natural desires. She must remember that Jesus gave her these desires and doesn't condemn her at all. He understands.
Another strong force on her is that of the unsaved's "dating games" around her. That is, the girl who's boyfriend calls her during the day, or comes and picks her up after work, or seeing couples walking arm-in-arm down the street, etc. All these things make her dwell on wanting a relationship of her own, which will only make her unhappy if she indulges it. (See "Not Acting Wisely") All other forces on a sister from the world are minor when compared to these already mentioned.
During the day at her job, a sister could easily go to either of two extremes: either she can choose to just roll along and not be urgent to go to Jesus because there's no requirement on her, or she can worry that she's not doing spiritual things and condemn herself.
It is easy for sisters to be affected by the attitudes of the unsaved people around her. For instance, if the unsaved women are gossiping or wailing together, there can be a temptation for a sister to join them. If those around her are being goofy, another temptation is to be goofy along with them. She must learn the right way to avoid their wrong fellowship and yet not be religiously solemn. Her being peaceful and relaxed and trusting Jesus will work through her is how she should behave in such circumstances.
Unsaved women are often catty, but sisters must all the more be practicing kindness toward them and not be catty in return. If an unsaved woman were to be unkind to a sister in this way, the sister's first tendency is to withdraw, and then be hurt because of it (Rom. 12:21).
Sometimes on her job a sister will calculate things like, "Are they talking about me? Do they think I'm strange? Are they going to fire me?" 99% of her fears are wrong, anyway, so she should just walk by faith instead of these calculations.
It is easy for a sister to be affected by many different things in the world. Worldly music will sometimes remind her of the past, stirring up old feelings within her, for example. A younger sister who is going to school has basically the same sort of forces on her. She desires acceptance and fears rejection by her friends and teachers. School can be a particular hindrance to her since she must spend time on schoolwork, which takes time away from her witnessing, raising lambs, etc.
Despite the many forces in the world working against her, a sister can trust that Jesus is understanding and take confidence in His love and kindness towards her. She need not be overwhelmed.
When sisters are fulfilling their purpose, they see themselves as being useful and needed, and thus this section centers in brothers directing the sisters toward their purpose. Sisters were made for the purpose of being a helper (Gen. 2:18), so if a sister is not being devoted to Jesus and to the right fellowship of the brothers, she is not fulfilling her purpose and naturally will not feel needed or of value. Since sisters have a tendency to lose sight of Jesus and to drift from him, simple reminders are frequently needed. For example, sisters need to be reminded of their purpose in order to help them avoid getting caught up in physical routines.
What is motivating to a sister is a sense of hope that her efforts are worthwhile and helpful (1 Co. 15:58, "knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain" and Philip. 2:16, "so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain"). Sisters need the encouragement of being shown that their efforts are not in vain. When a sister doesn't see herself as needed and valued, she loses motivation and will start feeling like "What's the use? Nobody cares anyway." When the brothers are personally caring for them, sisters are reminded of how valuable they are to Jesus (Is. 43:4)
To let the sisters know they are valued and needed, it is especially meaningful to consider their talents, collectively and individually. When sisters are investing their talents for Jesus' glory, they will see themselves as beneficial and valuable. Sisters need the brothers to direct them in how to best invest their talents, or else they will drip away doing things that aren't very meaningful. One talent that sisters have is that of being more sensitive than the brothers to what is going on in various situations. This talent can be a real help to the brothers. The brothers could be asking the sister's opinions of various subjects or situations and acknowledging their opinions as valuable. What often happens is that the brothers go to extremes--either they will accept everything the sisters say and turn it into direction for them or they will disregard the sisters' opinions, out of fear that they will be in control. In either case, when sisters' opinions are ignored or accepted as the final say, it makes it much harder for sisters to say what they think. It reassures them to know that their opinion is appreciated.
When sisters are being devoted to Jesus and to the brothers, one thing that is particularly reassuring is for them to know that what they are doing, whether physically or spiritually, is pleasing to Jesus. They will be reassured of this when the brothers are reflecting Jesus' attitude and are pleased with the sisters' efforts to help. One example of this is Rebekah's devotion to Abraham's servant in Gen. 24. He was pleased with her when she went out of her way to water all his camels. Also, Ruth found favor in the eyes of Boaz because she was devoted in her work (Ruth 2:5-13).
Sisters are reassured when they know how others view them. They get insecure and tend to worry when they are unsure of what others think of them. It's important when we help one another to be speaking the truth in love (Ephes. 4:15). In Ruth 3:11, Boaz told Ruth that all his fellow townsmen knew that she was a woman of worth.
Sisters tend to forget how valuable they are to Jesus and that they are so valuable that he has an inheritance waiting for them. They need to be reminded of the hope that is set before them. The Bible speaks of "comforting one another" as we see the day drawing near (1 Thes. 4:18; Heb. 10:25). They especially need to be directed in making sure that they are doing things that will prepare them for Jesus' return, and then they will see themselves as valuable to Jesus.
"For I, the Lord our God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, `Fear not, I will help you'" (Is. 41:13).
In the Bible, God and Jesus are always reassuring and understanding towards sisters. Jesus understands the nature of women and how they tend to be fearful and fretful. Jesus' promises are especially comforting to sisters. For example, the many verses where Jesus promises to provide for all their needs (Mt. 6:32, 33; Ps. 23:1; Hos. 2:19; Jer. 31:3), the verses showing how Jesus is loving, merciful and kind (Is. 41:10; Ps. 25:10; Ps. 119:156), and also how Jesus understands sisters and will help them in every situation (Ps. 103:14; Ps. 139:1-3, 13-14).
The reason why sisters need to be reassured is because they easily lose sight of Jesus' love for them. Then they get a wrong view of Jesus, such as seeing Him as a condemning, hard taskmaster. Sisters tend to drift from Jesus more easily than the brothers do. They will then go to fears and worries, most of which are imaginary. Jesus understands these weaknesses in the nature of sisters, and is not at all condemning. He only reassures and comforts them, so they will have nothing to worry about. Then they are more free to be devoted to Jesus.
Even when sisters do wrong, Jesus still loves them, and they are still valuable to Him. He never casts them off (Jn. 6:37) as sisters will fear, but Jesus' attitude is one of helping and taking care of them. Sisters are the weaker sex, and so need more help to live above these forces. Jesus is concerned with sisters being happy and peaceful. He understands how sisters need reassurance to overcome the fears and worries of the flesh.
Whatever the situation, even though a sister knows in her mind that Jesus is in control, it is hard for her to peacefully trust this if she doesn't see the brothers having right attitudes and taking the lead, the nature of sisters will cause them to go right to fear. To be reassured and secured, the sisters need to see Jesus through the brothers' examples. It is comforting to sisters when they see the brothers have the same "Fear not, I will help you" attitude.
If the brothers are only mechanically pointing the sisters toward Jesus' promises, but not taking any initiative to help the sisters personally, it won't be reassuring. Even if the brothers are not sure of how to help, if they make efforts to try, the sisters will be reassured through the brothers' attitudes. The sisters seeing the brothers caring about them and trying is what will make them happy. It's not a matter of how much understanding the brother has. Sisters seeing these right attitudes in the brothers will remind them of Jesus' attitude toward them.
Jesus does understand the sisters, and that is one of the most reassuring things to them. It definitely reassures sisters when others do understand them, but more important is for the brothers to have a caring attitude; one of looking to help the sisters in their weaknesses. Sisters are reassured through seeing the brothers faithful to Jesus. Through this, the sisters are reminded of Jesus' attitude toward them, of being kind and understanding.
One large area in which sisters fear and worry is concerning their future. Jesus understands this, and has already arranged for their needs and happiness, now and in the future. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jer. 29:11). Throughout the Bible, Jesus is pictured as a gentle shepherd, helping and protecting his flock of sheep. Jesus is the shepherd of our sheep lives, our human lives as Christians. His attitude is one of helping and guiding the sisters with their needs and weaknesses. When the brothers are reflecting this and being right shepherds, the sisters are secure, knowing that Jesus and the brothers are taking care of them. When they see their human needs being taken care of, the fears and worries of their sheep nature are put to rest.
Here are more references showing God and Jesus' attitudes of kindly helping and reassuring the sisters: 1 Jn. 3:19, 20; 1 Thes. 5:14; Ps. 46:1; Is. 63:9; Jn. 8:1-11.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: `Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all'" (Pro. 31:28, 29).
Commending sisters has been uncommon in our fellowship. In various places throughout the Bible there are examples of women being commended for their faithfulness. it is needful for sisters to know that their efforts are appreciated and that Jesus is pleased with them. Proverbs 31 is an example of a faithful wife. Her children and husband took notice of her faithfulness by commending her and letting her know she was appreciated. Without this, a sister could easily feel worthless. She can also lose sight of Jesus' love for her and feel He is displeased with what she is doing. It is always helpful for sisters to be reminded of these things. The sister is reassured and is free to peacefully serve the Lord.
It seems as if brothers are afraid to thank or compliment sisters, because this has been so rare. So when a brother does compliment a sister, lots of times she feels awkward or that she just wants attention from the brother. That doesn't mean complimenting sisters on trivial things such as how good they wash the dishes, etc. . . . What can easily happen is that a brother will go to the other extreme and be afraid to tell a sister when she is a help. Ruth is another example of a right woman in the Bible. Boaz went out of his way to comfort and reassure her that she was a woman of worth (Ruth 3:11).
It is normal for sisters to want to look pretty. It helps sisters to know that they look nice. This doesn't mean that a brother has to compliment every sister he sees on how she looks. It is more meaningful for sisters to be commended on the spiritual, when they are devoted or being a help, but that doesn't mean sisters shouldn't be commended humanly.
If brothers are being kind and going out of their way to help sisters, when they do commend them it is more real and believable. If a brother hasn't been caring and tries to commend a sister, even though the sister wants to believe him, it becomes hard to believe he is sincere. It is a matter of the brother's attitude; coming from concern and not "it's my duty to commend the sister."
There is another example in the Bible, on the other hand, of how not to commend sisters. Proverbs 11:16 says "A gracious woman gets honor." This is a wrong way to commend a sister. Women are never seen to be honored anywhere in scripture. It is important not to turn commending sisters into putting them on pedestals and looking up to them. This is not the way Jesus or other men in the Bible treated women. Sisters are the weaker sex; they need help and reassurance from the brothers.
Other references in the Bible are: Romans 16, Matthew 15:28, and Mark 14:6-9.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 Jn. 1:9).
It is very easy for sisters to lose sight of Jesus' kindness toward them, and all the more, they need to be reassured that Jesus doesn't condemn them, even when they do sin. If not, they only condemn themselves and get guilty and want to hide their sin. It's harder for sisters to be honest with each other than it is for brothers. Shame is a big factor, and most of the time it is shame over wrong things that causes sisters to hide. Sisters don't want to face the wrong things they do, and will try to deceive themselves that everything is alright. When sisters are not honest they feel dirty and unclean, and get even more ashamed. Sisters need to be reminded that they are all the same, so that they are more free to talk about the shameful things.
Sisters fear being rejected by others, and most of all, by Jesus. They need to have all of their fears put to rest and at the same time, have an urgent attitude about coming to the light. If they don't, the very thing they fear comes upon them (Job 3:25), and their sin separates them from God and from brothers and sisters (Is. 59:2).
It's really important for sisters to be honest with each other and not be sweeping things under the rug. A sister willingly comes to the light (Jn. 3:21); it is only when she is acting as a physical woman that she chooses to hide. If a sister continues to hide, she will only wind up unhappy and miserable, and eventually she will leave Jesus. Sisters need to need to be honest about everything, whether real or imagined, especially in the areas of marriage and sex. Sisters sometimes think they can handle things on their own, which isn't true at all. One excuse sisters will use not to be honest is that they are just going to be a burden on others.
Sisters need to get trained in being honest when they are young; if not, it becomes harder to be honest as they get older. They start seeing their sin more clearly as they get older, and all the more, they get as ashamed and want to hide.
The result of sisters not being honest is that they become unhappy and worried. Sisters have joy and peace when they are honest and their conscience is clear. When sisters are honest, they are much freer to be devoted to Jesus. They see Jesus a lot more clearly when they are honest. It is easy for sisters to think that Jesus is disgusted with them, when, in fact, it is the wrong things that Jesus is not pleased with, not the sister herself. Sisters need to remember that Jesus does love them and that "if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father" (1 Jn. 2:1).
One thing that is especially important for sisters is to say what they think all of the time. Sisters easily sense when things are wrong; they need to be honest about what they sense and not pretend that "everything's OK." Since sisters are all alike, they need to be helping one another and being honest when they see wrong things in each other. Otherwise, they become guilty and will only break themselves down.
Brothers can really help the sisters by being aware of their tendency to sweep things under the rug and not to be honest. Brothers should realize that when a sister is unhappy or round and round, either she does have a problem, or it is indulgence; it should be made clear which it is. The sisters should be encouraged all the more to be honest, and reminded that Jesus is pleased when they are. Sisters need to be reassured that they have nothing to fear about being honest, remembering that we are all sinners saved by grace.
More references are: Jer. 3:24, Eph. 4:25, and Eph. 2:8.
It is important that whatever a sister is doing, she sees it as being meaningful. The sisters need to have a willing attitude to help the brothers and to do the best thing at hand. "Whatever your task, work heartily . . ." (Col. 3:23). Sisters are the happiest when they see themselves working hard at something meaningful. Normally, a sister will keep working at whatever situation she is in, even if she is unhappy. Then she will wind up feeling guilty and ashamed that she doesn't have joy, and she'll start to feel that Jesus isn't pleased with her. In fact, it is not that she is bad or not devoted, but that she needs to be directed into what is meaningful, or to where she can be more of a help.
Sisters are reassured when they see the brothers in control and leading them. That way, there is not a feeling of being left up to their own devices or two what they think is best. A sister's view of what is best often winds up just being busywork, and the sister will end up unhappy and insecure. Sisters usually do not have much of an overview of what is best and most helpful. Therefore, it hurts her to be left up to her own view. When the brothers are directing the sisters, there is reassurance that they are being taken care of. This is something sisters need and want.
In the past, the way it has been in our fellowship is that the brothers have had their work and the sisters have had theirs. So we end up with a "Great Division." The sisters really want to be working with the brothers as helpers, which is their purpose (Gen. 2:18). There are many verses about women following Jesus and ministering to Him (Mark 15:40, 41; Matthew 27:55, 56; John 12:3; Mark 16:1). Sisters fear that they will be rejected and that they are unneeded and unwanted. When they are working with the brothers, they can see that their efforts are useful and needed, as compared to when they are working on their own. Sisters find real fulfillment in being devoted to Jesus through devotion to the brothers.
Sisters want to have a meaningful work, and see that their talents are being invested and appreciated. When the sisters don't feel useful and needed, they fear just being a "machine" that can be replaced anytime. Sisters are more motivated when they see themselves being appreciated. A sister may have willing attitudes and a genuine desire to be devoted, but if she doesn't see herself as useful and needed she can easily become discouraged. Sisters tend to lose sight of how their efforts are pleasing to Jesus and helpful to the fellowship. Therefore, it is helpful for sisters to be reminded and reassured of this.
There are many problems and weaknesses common to all or most sisters. Some of these will be mentioned here and discussed later in the text.
Sisters are like water. Water takes the shape of its container and travels the pat of least resistance. Sisters get easily tossed about. They are sensitive, emotional and sometimes misunderstood. They can get anxious about their future and marriage and in their search for security they look to marriage for the answers.
They do not have a clear view of Jesus, and tend to look only at present circumstances. Other weaknesses a sister has are worrying, calculating, and fearing instead of walking by faith. It is unnatural for sisters to be honest with each other, face and deal with their problems and see hope. One of the biggest problems is when sisters withdraw into their own calculations and go by their own view. They were not made to be independent and when they push their own way and act independently it is harmful to them. Sisters compound their problems by condemning themselves and focusing on their problems.
Sisters compare themselves to one another physically and spiritually. When sisters compare themselves, they put unreal pressures on themselves to meet standards they cannot reach. This then leads to discouragement for a sister, because she tries to be someone she is not.
Comparing begins when a sister focuses on another sister's good qualities and her own weaknesses. She takes this to an extreme, and forms an unreal view of herself and the other sister.
Some of the ways that sisters compare themselves are: how they look, dress, act, and speak. Also how happy, confident, kind or loving they are; in witnessing, prayer, raising lambs, helping other sisters, talents and abilities.
Sisters condemn themselves by concentrating on their sins, weaknesses, faults and mistakes, and then they think about how bad they are. They confuse condemnation with faults, so they feel condemned.
A sister condemns herself by going to extremes. For example, she may compare herself to another sister, and decide that the other sister is always faithful. One way she may condemn herself is by setting goals or standards that are too high to reach, and when she doesn't reach them, she thinks she is bad.
Sisters think that they must be perfect, and if they are not, they will be condemned. Another way she will condemn herself is if she repeats a mistake, she then thinks it is hopeless.
When sisters sin or are corrected, they will often withdraw and look at things from a human point of view, and forget that Jesus loves them. She thinks she deserves to be condemned (because her view of Jesus isn't clear). At his point, it usually doesn't enter her mind that Jesus will change her, or if she does think about it, she doesn't see much hope that He will.
Misunderstandings can happen in various ways. For example, a sister may appear to be very confident and in control, yet, underneath, she is insecure and not confident. She is often misunderstood and treated like a brother. When she is judged by how she appears she could easily be misunderstood and mistreated.
When a sister senses she is being misunderstood this adds to her insecurities and she doesn't realize why she is the way she is. She needs help and needs to be honest. It is difficult for her to try to explain herself when she is emotional, and she will say things that she does not really mean.
A sister's family affects her in many ways, most of which she doesn't understand. Whenever she thinks of her family, and especially when she talks to them, she feels awkward and unsure of what to do. If a sister has been close to her family before she got saved, there will be forces on her to feel obligated to meet up to her family's expectations and that she should be "loyal" or she will be a disappointment to them. She feels like the "black sheep" because she is not living according to their ideas and traditions. There is a real force on her to be ashamed of Jesus and to compromise the truth. However, if a sister is not close to her family, she may want to completely forget about them and have nothing to do with them. Sometimes thinking about her family could remind her of incidents in the past of which she is ashamed.
When a younger sister is unhappy she will look to her physical family for security, thinking that they will always accept her. It is normal for her to miss her family and desire to be with them. She wants them to care about her and remember her. What they think of her life concerns her. It is hard for a younger sister to face that her family is unsaved (if they are unsaved). She wants to justify her family in some way and make excuses for them. "They are not so bad" or "they are alright." She wants to have fellowship with them, but she increasingly realizes that she has nothing in common with them which is difficult for her to accept.
A sister can be affected by almost any physical change that would disturb her daily routines. The whole process of moving is one of the most unsettling physical changes a sister can experience. Different fears and insecurities are stirred up within her. For example, if she moves to a fellowship where she does not know any of the brothers and sisters, she fears rejection, wonders how she will fit in and she feels lonely. Also it is normal for a sister to become upset if her belongings are lost in the move.
Another common change that affects sisters is looking for a new job or losing her present one. When a sister loses her job, she may be ashamed and feel rejected. If a sister does not have a job or has a problem securing a job she may worry about taking advantage of the fellowship.
Being sick also affects sisters because she not only feels physically ill, but is also more sensitive. There may be a force on her to think that the brothers and sisters don't care about her and she may feel more alone. She does not see herself as being a help, and often forgets that Jesus loves her.
A sister may not know why or how various physical changes are affecting her, but she will feel unsettled and insecure.
The shameful things that devour especially stem from marriage, relationships and sex. Other shameful things are being alone, selfishness, jealousy, not being honest or not caring for other sisters and lambs.
Shame is a stronger force on sisters than brothers. What is shameful for a man is a double shame for a woman. For example, when a sister backslides it is twice as hard for her to return to Jesus than a brother because of her shame.
One example of the precess of how the shameful thing devours is when a sister is jealous of another sister. She is ashamed to admit this to anyone. Is she chooses to hide, she may forget about it temporarily but it is still there, growing and eating away at her conscience and she is not at peace.
But when a sister does face the sin and brings herself to the light, openly speaking of the wrong and why it is wrong, the shameful things will not devour. Being urgent for a sister is bringing herself to the light and she will be peaceful.
Sisters are often driven by their many fears, worries and insecurities. Their fears and worries are usually pretty vague, and the things they fear rarely ever happen. Sisters fear being alone, and worry about it. They fear growing old and unattractive, becoming "old maids" and unwanted, being rejected and condemned. They also fear being hurt or taken advantage of, and may go as far as to fear that the fellowship will fall apart.
Sisters worry about their faults and short-comings, or about mistakes made in the past. A younger sister especially panics when she sees sin dwelling in her members, and worries about it. She worries about her faithfulness to Jesus and whether or not Jesus is pleased with her. When a sister is speaking, it is not even unusual for her to worry and think that she is seeking wrong attention, or that others don't believe her and think that she is insincere. When a sister chooses to worry, she may even create "problems" to worry about.
Much of what a sister does is a result of being insecure. A sister is mainly insecure about her life and what the future will bring, since she has little or no control over it. She is insecure when she doesn't see her real needs being taken care of. In such a situation, she may react by trying to take control. Because of her insecurity, she will often put others "to the test" to see if they genuinely care about her--she will not trust herself to just anyone.
Loneliness is an unhappy state for a sister. When she is lonely, she doesn't feel as if anyone loves her or understands her. Her view of Jesus is dimmer, and she doesn't see much hope. She is more emotional and ashamed of her loneliness, and wants to hide it. It is common for a sister to condemn herself when she feels lonely. Often when a sister is lonely, she thinks she is the only one who feels that way.
Most frequently, loneliness is the result of a sister allowing things to separate her from Jesus and other sisters. Partly a sister's loneliness may be due to her being left alone by others. Seeing someone personally caring for her will help her to trust herself to them and to Jesus. When sisters see Jesus using them to help others, they feel wanted by Him and aren't so lonely. Loving Jesus, unity in faith and practicing kindness will help her overcome her lonely feelings.
Sisters fear being rejected by Jesus and brothers and sisters. When a sister is fearing rejection, all she can see is her weaknesses and faults and Jesus' perfection. She thinks, "Jesus and the brothers and sisters won't love me because I'm so bad and such a mess." Fear of rejection often motivates a sister to protect herself and to present a false front of how she thinks she should be in order to gain acceptance. Fear that Jesus will reject her can cause a sister to not be honest with Him, especially after she has sinned.
The way the world is, girls are used to being rejected and naturally expect it, but as sisters trust Jesus' love for them they will rear rejection less.
Hoping in marriage is one of he strongest forces on a sister. Most sisters have a wrong view of marriage based on the way marriage is in the world. One common wrong view is that marriage is the answer to life's problems. (See "Wrong Views of Marriage")
A sister is largely motivated by her search for security. It is normal for a sister to want to be married, but when she is hoping in marriage, she is looking forward to marriage to make her happy, and then seeking after that in some way. This will only lead to her instability and unhappiness. She tries to run her own life by maneuvering to get what she thinks she needs. She thinks that marriage will make her happy and she does not feel or want to face that it is not the answer.
The problem comes from the flesh wanting to seek false securities in the world (a physical man, a house, a home, children), instead of Jesus. This force to hope in marriage grows stronger the older a sister is physically, and it does not go away after marriage, even a right one. One way a sister is tempted to hope in marriage is through the devil's suggestions that different brothers, old boyfriends or unsaved men might make her happy and give her security. If a brother is especially looking to Jesus, a sister sees Jesus' nature in him. But seeking security in the brother or in any physical man rather than Jesus is hoping in marriage
A sister who is living at home and cannot often come to fellowship has many forces on her. These are important to know because in this circumstance she especially needs help. It is good to be aware of her parents' attitude toward the fellowship and how they treat the sister. When a sister is away from the fellowship, on of the biggest forces on her is that she is forgotten and no one cares if she is faithful. The devil tries to make her feel alone in the fight, and she needs to see herself as a part of the fellowship.
In her school life she more than likely has an unrealistic view of witnessing. She may think that she has to turn the school upside-down. One extreme is when she thinks that handing out anything less than two hundred tracts a day is being ashamed of Jesus. Witnessing is more difficult because she usually is alone and more insecure. She is ashamed that she is fearful. Some sisters go through trials about wearing their button to school and being ashamed of Jesus in front of their old "friends."
If a sister is unhappy and she sees her old "friends" happier than she, she may be tempted with discouragement and giving up. There are forces on her to go along with her friends in having a social life, going to college, etc. At this point some sisters may retreat from it all and go along as a monk and withdraw from others--the opposite extreme of turning the school upside-down.
Another trial is when a sister lives in fellowship and goes to school. There are pressures on her to be ashamed of living in fellowship because the other students may regard her as a "cult member." But, sisters who live in fellowship or who are able to come around often are relieved of many of these wrong views and pressures on how Jesus wants a sister to be in high school. Her example of happily and peacefully trusting her Savior's love for her is more of a witness than she realizes
In the Bible, Jesus is pictured as Lord, Savior, husband and Shepherd. What would happen to 100 sheep without their shepherd? This presents quite a clear picture as to why a sister needs a husband. All throughout the Bible, it is clearly shown that woman needs man because she is the weaker sex.
What makes a sister weaker? A sister is naturally driven by emotions and is changeable and unpredictable. A sister fears the idea of trying to handle life on her own. She is not able. Quickly changing circumstances and pressures often render her helpless. Sisters desperately need to be secure and will grab at anything to get that security. Because of these weaknesses, help is badly needed. She needs a kind and patient brother who is willing to understand her emotionally. In the Bible God uses the figure of a vine which clings onto a wall. In such a way, the woman should cling to her husband (John 15 Workbook). Jesus Himself will guide him into understanding females and their common patterns.
When it comes to making decisions, a sister is lost, especially concerning the future. Every sister needs to be reasonable about making decisions, but most often will go by her worries, fears and feelings. She is not very levelheaded and organized about these matters. A woman wasn't meant to run her own life. She is so doubly lost that she needs double lords. Jesus must be her first Lord, but a husband helps provide the support, direction and guidance that sisters badly need.
Also, there are human needs that a woman has which are fulfilled by a right husband. She is especially fulfilled by being devoted to him. A woman desires affection and needs right attention. She wants to know that she is appreciated and taken care of in a special way. These are all very important to her. Every sister and female longs to be married.
God man woman to be a helper for man. He put a natural desire in every woman to be devoted. His plan is that she be devoted to a right husband (Gen. 3:16).
If you try to ignore the difference between male and female you will be in a whole lot of trouble. The males tend to think that the females are the same as themselves and that they also react the same. So, there is a "shearing force" between them--pulling away from each other. This equals no communication. The reason there is no communication is because of lack of understanding; interest and concern.
There are many examples of how brothers and sisters are different of which you may not be aware. For instance, sisters are sensitive; that is; they are aware of what is going on. Brothers are less sensitive; they are aware of their ego. Sisters are very delicate--easily affected, but brothers are not. Another example: it is easier for males to forget; females remember things and harbor them, sometimes even to the point of holding grudges.
Sisters look at marriage as a source of security; brothers ARE the security. Sisters are weaker than brothers in that brothers want to be independent and stand along; females do not. They cannot handle the idea of being alone. They want support. This ties into how sisters get "swamped" when faced with having to make decisions. The brothers should be the decision-makers. They get fulfillment from others leaning on them, and it is important that they see themselves being depended upon.
Brothers are driven by looking good, whereas sisters are driven by loneliness. Thus, they will worry and calculate more over real issues where the brothers won't.
God made men and women differently so each one's desires and needs could be fulfilled. There can be communication only if there is caring, understanding, interest and concern. ". . . when each part is working properly, makes bodily growth and upbuilds itself in love" (Eph. 4:16).
What is and is not respected by sisters is an area greatly misunderstood by the brothers. It is a subject very hard for sisters to talk about, and one that brothers do not like to hear.
A brother must be sincerely kind, counting others better than himself, to earn the respect of sisters (Php. 2:3). On the other hand, if he is lazy and irresponsible a brother cannot expect a sister to respect him. If he is wailing and not working, or sloppy in his appearance (see section on etiquette), the sister will feel ashamed of him. Remember, the physical reflects the spiritual.
Because of a sister's nature, she will only respect a brother when she sees him in control. His decisions should be firm, remembering that sisters are like water and need him to be steady. A brother is respected when not allowing himself to get swayed by sisters' feelings or his own. If he allows, Eve will lead him around; that is what happens to men today by their not standing up and being right Christian men. When a sister sees that there is no way that she can maneuver him, then he will be respected.
Brothers should be leading sisters, not looking to be mothered or looking to the sisters for direction. On the other hand, younger brothers should not expect to know how to lead older sisters.
There is no way you can be a shepherd unless you attack wolves and bears. Example: two brothers are escorting two sisters. A shady character comes walking toward you and goes for the sisters. One sister pulls the other sister out of the way and yells, "Watch out!", while the brother notices "nothing." Later he asks, "Is something wrong?" If you are only a leader until trouble comes along, a sister is not going to respect that. That is "playing heavy" but being a coward with no strength for the real problems. ". . . one who plays the great man but lacks bread" (Pro. 12:9).
When you are genuine, sisters believe you. They cannot be fooled by fronts; they can pick up a lot (1 Cor. 13:1). For example, do you ever notice how a sister may withdraw after you read a verse, or when you say, "Jesus loves you," or "Look to the resurrection"? It is not because she is not trusting Jesus. It is because you cannot fool spirits. When you are truly zealous for Jesus and looking to make Him known, your spirit, person and concern are there and then what you say will be respected by the sisters. "Let us not love in word or speech but in deed and in truth" (1 Jn. 3:18).
Now it is very understandable that sisters have a lot of fears concerning marriage. Many of these fears are based on two things: fear of rejection and the examples of existing marriages around her.
A sister thinks that she is not pretty enough or devoted enough for a brother to want her for his wife. In other words, she thinks, "Nobody wants me; I am going to become an old maid." A sister certainly does not want to be left alone for the rest of her life.
The world and pressures from her parents don't help to put her fears to rest, either. Questions such as: "When are you going to get married?" and "Don't you want a husband?" are particularly upsetting to a single sister who is not getting any younger. And even if she is praying for and trusting her heavenly Father to provide her with a right husband, there is the fear of "What do you do in the meantime?"
And yet, a sister doesn't want to end up with an unhappy marriage. With the examples in the world, and sad to say, even in our fellowship, she is afraid that maybe she won't be taken in honor. If the marriage starts out wrongly, how will it end up (Deu. 32:29)? On the other hand, if it did start out right she would want to be assured that she'll be taken care of and not left alone. Marriage is a final decision and a sister fears that her husband won't be faithful and will drag her away from fellowship like the existing examples she has around her.
Marriage can be really good if it is based on putting Jesus first. A sister can be reassured that her heavenly Father understands her fears and needs. He has ". . . plans for welfare and not for evil . . ." to give her a future and a hope (Jer. 29:11).
We must come to face this one face: marriage is NOT hearts and flowers, holding hands at the ice cream parlor, or a knight in shining armor to carry her away, with whom she'll live "happily ever after." Sisters' views of marriage are a strange mixture of ideas. her views center in hoping that marriage is the answer to all her problems. These are ideas that she grew up with from the world. They have to be replaced with reality. Unless she comes to look at marriage rightly, she will view it through her emotions and fantasies and be asking for a great disappointment. A sister sees marriage as the answer to two great forces within her: loneliness and the search for security. For example, she will convince herself that a husband would solve her loneliness and that a home and family will give her the security she yearns for. "If only I were married," she thinks, "then I wouldn't be so lonely." Not that it is evil for her to desire to be married and have a home and family. It is natural to want to put her trust in a man and find security in him. But a Christian woman must remember that any real security she may find in her marriage is because Jesus works through her husband to provide real stability.
She was raised up without any real understanding of marriage in a world where "marrying and giving in marriage" is the purpose in life. She looks at marriage as the means to the end. Sisters tend to forget this in their attempts to deal with life on their own. She forgets God's teaching in Ecclesiastes that all things of this life are repetitious. Instead, she thinks that marriage and sex will give her an interesting life, but the record shows that initial attractions between people partially fade away and lose their interest and meaning.
Another way that a sister looks at marriage wrongly is in thinking that it is a great spiritual help for her. She thinks it will make serving Jesus much easier and automatically make her more effective in her Christian life. The truth is, that for her, being married is just a little bit better than being single! While she will get a lot of help from a right Christian husband, he cannot "save" her, or be the assurance of her salvation. Marriage is all physical, not a spiritual matter. It is a work that has many benefits, but a work nonetheless.
Each of the benefits that a sister hopes for in marriage has merit; that is, marriage will provide her with some degree of security, spiritual help, etc. But the devil works hard to make a small truth into a wonderful fantasy in which to hope. The subject of marriage can become so contradictory, that she will want to run away from the whole issue altogether and bury it. This isn't a very real solution, though. The turmoil always comes back, a bigger and more overwhelming problem unless dealt with rightly according to the REAL view: according to God's plan.
Every day sisters see the mess that is made of marriage in the world around us. Therefore, we need to establish a right view of marriage among us according to God's plan.
Any two Christians can get together and have a right and successful marriage with faithfulness to Jesus and commitment. Marriage is the deepest human subject dealt with in the Bible and therefore our commitment to it has to be very deep.
Marriage is a figure of Christ and the Church, and if we don't have a right view of marriage, we won't have a right view of Jesus and the Church (Eph. 5:32). A right marriage is peaceful, but frustration comes with it. It involves working together at making it successful. It does not just romantically flow along. Nor is it supposed to be an indulgence (1 Th. 4:4, 5). It is supposed to be the best thing that we have humanly to help us understand our relationship with Jesus and the Second Coming. Humanly speaking, marriage is sacred; it teaches us something beyond this life.
Sisters are a bundle of trouble. (Not "sugar and spice and everything nice.") They are doubly lost and need double lords (Jesus and their husband--1 Pe. 3:6). She will be devoted to both and therefore, her interests will be divided. She will be anxious about how to please Jesus AND her husband (1 Cor. 7:34). The husband will have to take the lead in straightening out these problems.
A right Christian husband is the BEST thing that could happen to a sister. So, her attitude should be one of being patient for Jesus' will. She should give equal time to both praying for a right husband and at the same time thanking Jesus that she is not in a wrong marriage. She comes to see Jesus through a right husband. A right marriage is a blessing from the Lord.
Sisters need to get the meaning of marriage according to God's view. It is easy to take on our own, natural, human views: comfort and "house and home," etc. But instead, we must insist on the Bible's application of marriage in order to have peace now and lasting peace. For example, here are five descending ways to look at marriage in a right perspective:
We are at step 4., our own personal views, mixed with step 5. We need to get from step 4 to step 1 coming from the Bible's view as much as possible. Not that the Bible tells us directly about marriage; we wish it would give us step-by-step instructions, but it doesn't. So, sisters badly need to come to understand the right view of marriage. They cannot afford to be half-hearted towards getting that right view. She must try to learn what is pleasing to her Lord (Eph. 5:10).
Every sister has a healthy desire from Jesus to be married. There's nothing wrong with that in itself. It's when she goes about seeking it on her own that she ends up on the treacherous ground. Figuratively speaking, this is how she does it . . .
A sister will leave the safety of her Father's house by not trusting Him one hundred percent with her future. She goes out into the wilderness seeking marriage only to end up alone, without a husband, plus being distant from her Father (Pro. 13:12). The following are examples showing this process.
Sisters are often eager about marriage and anxious about their future. A brother's kind deeds sometimes get wrongly interpreted by a sister's feelings as, "He loves me!" She stirs up things that are not even there. For example, she will fantasize about how good a relationship with "so-and-so" would be.
Because she's so busy fantasizing, if any brother said to a sister, "I want to marry you," her feelings would be so overwhelming that she would no longer look at the situation objectively. The truth gets thrown out the window and reality gets traded in over what she "thinks" will make her secure. Instead, she should be insisting on what she knows is real, like: "Can this brother lead me? Is he in fellowship with other brothers seen as leading the church?" "Does he understand me and my needs?" and, "Is he willing to take responsibility for me, now and later?" A sister cannot trust herself to a brother unless she is convinced that he will do all these things and that he has real strength. If she does not look at it objectively and continues to entertain fantasy, she will go underground over the shame of deceitfully trying to hold onto an absurd relationship. She will "play" with marriage but not give of herself. Our Father solemnly warns us three times in Song of Solomon to ". . . stir not up nor awaken love until it please" (Sol. 2:7, 3:5 & 8:4). If a sister ought to get married, it will come to her.
A single sister is really free to serve her one Lord, Jesus. She has that choice. But too often she will walk around worrying and calculating about marriage, but with no husband at all. That is what is meant by the expression that she is carrying around a "double load": the burden of a marriage without the benefits of it. Nor is she taking advantage of the freedom she has now. This is not acting wisely.
A sister has much more to lose than a brother concerning marriage. A WOMAN'S calculations about her future only upsets the SISTER who wants to trust Jesus. Her desire for marriage is so strong that, often under pressure she would even go so far as to say, "A bad marriage is better than no marriage at all." Instead, she should think: "No marriage is better than a messed-up one." Jesus wants us to wisely choose . . . faith for feelings! "No one can serve two masters . . ." (Mt. 6:24).
This book has provided a background for you in understanding the sisters. This chapter will guide you into beginning to apply what you have learned. Make sure that you are towards the sisters according to the direction of this book without being mechanical in going about it. Instead, Jesus wants you to be kind, imitating Him in order to succeed at applying this chapter. Again, you must remember that you can't be mechanical. That is very important.
Honoring the weaker sex and being considerate toward the sisters go hand in hand. Scripture points to the brothers' responsibility toward helping the sisters since they are the weaker sex and not treating them like brothers. Other chapters in this book will further explain why they are weaker. Honoring them as he weaker sex has to do with realizing they are weaker and treating them accordingly (1 Co. 12:22, 23; 1 pe. 3:7). Being considerate toward sisters is only to be expected. Even unsaved men are considerate toward women. How much more should Christian men be. A brother will never win the respect of a sister without first showing her consideration. It is much more than proper etiquette; it is an attitude as well as an action.
In order to be considerate, the brothers must first have the desire to make the sisters happy. Brothers aren't Christians if they don't have the attitude of practicing kindness towards the sisters. Below are some examples of how to be considerate toward a sister:
The brothers being considerate will make life a lot happier for the sisters.
Sisters seek attention rightly and wrongly. The kind of attention they get into and go after varies.
Right attention can be defined as--helping sisters according to their real problems and weaknesses. It isn't helping them with their fantasy problems or pampering their feelings. It means treating sisters with respect to their real needs and purpose. In order to do that, the brother must first come to understand the sister before making any attempts.
Often a sister will want attention according to her own ideas or feelings. Meanwhile, her real problems go untended and even get worse. If a sister insists on her fantasy problems, it makes it more difficult for the brother to help her. The brother must be understanding to discern her real problems or needs.
In dealing with newer and younger sisters, it is important to remember that they have just come out of a bad situation--life in the world. Almost all young women have been raise wrongly and have no idea of how to be. The way you "deal with" the sisters is really as young women. Finally, it ought to be the same way with unsaved women in hopes of their becoming sisters. Also, coming to understand the difference between the way you used to treat girls in the world and the way you treat sisters without getting unreal about it either way.
Also, be aware of how much attention is given to a particular sister. if a sister is given too much attention, it could upset or unsettle her. Another way in which to give sisters right attention,is to commend them for the right things they do. This will motivate them to continue to do what is right.
It is very important for the brothers to get this one point clear: They must give up "looking good." It blinds you every single time and you end up looking real bad. All that energy wasted on "looking good" while the sister is thinking, "Why is he acting this way?" Sisters are more concerned with whether or not the brothers care about them.
Before this book was written, each brother had his own view of how to be toward the sisters. There was no common view of any interest in finding one. Now, each brother has to get rid of his ideas and replace them with the truth about sisters. In doing this, it will cost the brothers their pride, but you must choose. Each brother must ask himself, "Am I going to care about how I look or am I going to care about the sisters and their needs?"
Brothers should not try to imitate other brothers. That will not work. They should be themselves and boast of their weaknesses (2 Co. 11:30).
What really matters to the sisters is real concern and honest effort. Guaranteed, a lot of mistakes will be made, but holding back is far worse.
When brothers "play the leader," often the result is that sisters get pushed around instead of being helped. One can't use shortcuts either in trying to imitate some image of the way that one should be towards the sisters. They do not know what they are doing and end up "dealing with" the sisters and misunderstanding them altogether.
It is especially disgraceful and unkind when brothers try to look good in front of lambs, interesteds and the unsaved (Philip. 2:3). Sisters feel an added pressure to make up for their wrong.
Another way that sisters get hurt is when they see something wrong about a brother but the brothers are unwilling to face or admit it. If the truth is stated, there should be a willingness to listen no matter what the source is (1 Sam. 25--Abigail & David).
There is a tendency for the brothers to get resentful towards a sister for having a little more understanding about a matter than he does. Therefore, he sows to looking good. Actually, brothers ought to appreciate a sister's talents and not feel threatened by them.
"The Test" is a matter of the brother's spirit, his relationship with Jesus. Brothers should not expect an easy push-button test. It will be a matter of the sisters seeing the way the brothers really are. Sisters sense and feel many things. Even though at times they may not be able to point to specific problems, they will sense that something is wrong. Sisters are not concerned with a brother's words or speeches. It is his spirit and the way the brother really is that counts.
The criteria for this test is faithfully practicing all that you have learned in this book. (Look up what sisters Do and DO NOT respect about the brothers.) If the brother is imitating Jesus, he will have the strength and spirit to be able to stand and therefore be glad to be tested (2 Co. 13:5; ps. 139:23, 244).
to a sister, common etiquette practiced by the brothers is very important. This is needed in two major areas: toward the sister personally and behavior in public.
Concerning behavior in public, sisters are easily affected if a brother is acting inappropriately or is impolite, besides embarrassing the sister, rude behavior leaves a poor impression on the unsaved people. When brothers escort sisters from work, they should always use discretion with respect to witnessing at the sister's job. They shouldn't come in to her Jewish boss and say, "Praise God! Do you believe in Jesus?" They should treat her boss and co-workers politely. A brother's personal appearance should always be neat, especially concerning this situation. Sisters are ashamed when brothers come to pick them up with their clothes two sizes too big, a greasy shirt on and dirty hair hanging in their face.
With respect to the sisters personally, some basic rules concerning etiquette are: Using proper table manners (not eating sloppily, etc.), using polite speech (Thank you, please, etc.), opening the doors, making sure they are seated first, walking at a pace suitable for them, and offering to carry heavy packages.
When in public, brothers should show the same courtesy toward unsaved women. On subways or buses they should offer their seats to the women or elderly persons. In restaurants, the waitresses should be treated with kindness and generous tips should be left for them. Brothers should act respectfully toward the unsaved. For example, if a brother is in an unsaved's house, he shouldn't be rude and just act like he lives there but be respectful and polite.
When brothers are practicing these common courtesies and taking care of their personal appearance, then the sisters won't be ashamed but proud to be with them.
Shepherding a sister involves taking responsibility for that sister's physical welfare. The brothers are especially capable of helping the sisters in this way and are called upon to do so. If a sister is left on her own, she feels insecure, unprotected and not taken care of. Sisters do not have the strength to handle things on their own. Sisters automatically look to the brothers for protection.
Sisters are like sheep in that they tend to drift into dangerous situations. The brothers cannot allow themselves to be dull or drifty or they will never see any trouble that may lie ahead (1 Pe.5:8; Pro.22:3). Sisters are real victims for unsaved men because they do not look or act as hard as unsaved women. The brothers should be fully aware of this.
Whenever brothers and sisters are in a situation where there is trouble, remember the sisters safety must come first. When the brothers act weak or timid, the unsaved can sense it and will take advantage of any opportunity to cause trouble. It is not necessary though, to charge onward with the attitude of "I'm going to get martyred for Jesus." Very seldom, if ever, is any physical contact or a long verbal discussion necessary (Pro. 15:1). If a brother is looking to Jesus, he can be rightly firm.
Brothers should be wise about who they witness to when they are with the sisters. For instance, it is not wise to speak to someone who is obviously drunk. Brothers ought to look to act wisely and to be in control at all times. Remember that a brother who is a shepherd only till trouble comes and then flees, is acting as a coward (Jn. 10:12).
Encouraging the sisters is helping them to have courage and hope to continue faithful to Jesus. ". . . that we might have strong encouragement to seize the hope set before us" (Heb. 6:18). Sisters are easily encouraged. When they see the brothers fighting the fight of the faith and not shrinking back, they see hope. The success the brothers have from walking by faith and working together to glorify God, leaves no excuse for sisters to wail that this way is too hard. They can then share in the success and fulfill their purpose as helpers.
Success really motivates sisters. When sisters continue to see success, they are glad that they are hoping in Jesus, and the success confirms to her that her hope is valid.
Brothers should speak in Scripture in a genuine way and remind the sisters of their purpose, coming from real concern, not just stating a fact. A sister can always tell when a brother is really giving.
Another important way to encourage the sisters is by leading many to Jesus. When the sisters have many lambs to help care for, they are motivated to stay faithful to Jesus (1 Thes. 2:19).
When the brothers are right toward each other and have a real fellowship in faith, the sisters will be very encouraged.
Sisters will only respect a brother who is genuinely being kind. Brothers often mistake acting weak and timid for being kind. Genuine kindness comes from genuine confidence. Brothers do not have to be weak in order to be kind. A real man can afford to be kind and will not fear looking weak to the sister (Pro. 11:17).
The brother has to be able to lay aside his own interests and not be concerned with making mistakes. If the brother is overcome with pride, he will not be able to be kind to anyone (Philip. 2:3-5).
Brothers must remember that "fellowshipping with a sister" is unreal and often makes the sister wish the brother would go away. Even worse is the brother "confessing" all his feelings to the sister in the name of fellowshipping. Kindness does not mean sharing "secrets" about yourself with the sister (Prov. 25:20).
A brother can only be genuinely kind if he is choosing fellowship with Jesus and sharing in his humility rather than loving the praise of men (Heb. 12:3). Hoping in the Resurrection enables the brother to be kind because his treasures are outside of this life (Philip. 3:8).
Although sisters are all carbon copies of one another, it is unreal to treat them all in exactly the same way. Every sister is an individual with specific problems and needs.
Being personal ranges from knowing that a sister likes chocolate ice cream to being able to go to the real issues with her. Your attitude towards being personal to a sister revolves around, "Do unto others, as you have them do unto you."--not dealing in psychology.
A sister is reassured when a brother is genuinely caring about her. Become familiar with her situation, circumstances and background. She will then feel cared about when a brother is willing enough to find out how he can help her.
All sisters need to feel wanted (Philip. 12:4), and they appreciate when brothers are sensitive to their needs and what is meaningful to her. On the other hand, she is afraid of pushing herself on the brothers because of her desire to be included and needed. Example: When a brother tells a sister he wants to fellowship with her later. He actually ought to do it or else she will only feel neglected and put off. For sure, she won't say anything about it. All the more a brother has to be relaxed and really himself. If he is, a sister will be able to trust herself to him.
When a brother fellowships with a sister, there are certain helpful things to remember. One is that she is a person, a young woman with a new spirit inside. A brother just taking the initiative to talk to her is a good start. Sisters are easily led and encouraged to fellowship in the Bible and hopeful things (Heb. 10:25). It is discouraging, however, for a brother to talk to a sister about his feelings or worries.
Also, some sisters are easier to fellowship with than others, so brothers need to go out of their way for all the sisters so they don't feel rejected. For example, some brothers stay away from sisters that are very quiet or extremely outward. But actually, all sisters are the same and these sisters especially need to know the brothers care about them.
Sisters will differ somewhat according to their circumstances and their age, like a 17 year old living with her parents and a 21 year old living in fellowship.
Above all, a brother putting his faith in Jesus and just being himself instead of worrying about how he looks will help the sister to be relaxed.
The main thing to keep in mind is that sisters are different than brothers and cannot be dealt with like brothers. The idea of any sister being "strong" is a wrong view. When a brother considers a more confident sister to be "strong" he may ignore her, forgetting that all sisters are weaker.
Also, brothers are sometimes indirect when talking with a sister and that leaves room for her to calculate about what he really wants to say, which she will always calculate to be the worst. If he is direct and personal she is more reassured.
When a sister wants to express her opinion on something, brothers sometimes ignore her and this only makes her feel more rejected.
A brother should be careful not to bring up very personal matters in front of the whole fellowship; this causes a sister to feel very awkward. It would be helpful to read "Brother's Worst Mistakes."
Sisters need to be helped and gathered and have a sense of belonging. Directing her to be working with and helping others will encourage her. Younger sisters especially don't always realize when they are alone. Because they get afraid and ashamed, it's good to remind them that this is a weakness with all sisters.
Getting alone can start with many things, for example, a sister who doesn't talk about what bothers her or comparing herself to others. Brothers could encourage her to be working close with another sister.
Drifting is a common problem with all sisters. In her daily life, a sister needs to see herself being productive and accomplishing something. With younger sisters, drifting is often unconscious and is almost a natural way for them to be. In whatever she is doing, she needs to be setting her mind on things above and on the grace that is coming to her.
Sisters especially need to be gathered and directed into something useful and helpful, or drifting does come in. With younger sisters, speaking of Jesus to them in such a way that they can easily enter into fellowship with you, or asking her to specifically help you with something, generally has immediate results.
In any case, drifting among sisters makes them feel distant from Jesus and asking her to pray will always help.
Sisters need to be made aware that Jesus is always next to them, that he understands them and is in control of every situation. She needs to keep her purpose in front of her, giving God glory and being devoted to Jesus and the brothers. It is helpful for a sister to look a year or a few months behind and see how she has grown, and then look ahead to see how Jesus will continue to change and carry her.
The devil tries to discourage sisters through their feelings, and they need to be shown that their feelings (emotions and thoughts) don't necessarily equal their attitudes. A sister is two creations and needs to separate between the old and the new.
Sisters often forget that we will only be here a short time, that we are just passing through to a better place, our home with our Heavenly Father, and that the brothers intend to help lead them to this new home.
Brothers are far more able to help guide the sisters in this area. It is important for her to see that the brothers are concerned about these matters. Part of a sister's role is in the physical area (see "The Role of a Sister").
Sisters should be directed by the brothers before they do things so they don't feel unnecessarily pressured as if it all rests on them. Letting the sisters know what is planned beforehand, will put a right requirement on them to take care of the things they need to get done. For example, right before witnessing, center meetings, etc.
It would help if the brothers show extra consideration toward a sister when she has a lot of physical responsibilities to do. It is easy for her to feel like she is worthless and not appreciated.
Another problem with sisters is getting caught up in routines and busy work. She can be helped with this by asking her to stop and pray or read a chapter or even take her on a witnessing break.
A sister needs to see that being devoted to her physical work is part of being devoted to Jesus. Martha and Mary were both devoted sisters.
With an upset and troubled sister, the most important thing to remember is kindness. This can never be stressed too much because at times, brothers tend to be harsh in dealing with situations which they don't understand. There is a difference between an upset sister and a troubled sister. An upset is something temporary which most times can easily be settled, whereas, with a troubled sister, there are problems which are deeper and need more understanding. Kindness and reassurance are especially needed at this time (Gal. 6:2).
A sister's sight of herself and Jesus is pretty much clouded before you approach her. The devil has succeeded in clouding her view of everything. Especially with a troubled sister, she can lose sight of the hope and may tend to think this will last forever. You could encourage her that Jesus fully intends to take care of her and that his promises far outweigh her fears. The need to go out of your way for her becomes greater because most times she will not ask for the help she needs.
If a brother uses psychology with a sister, it does not work, and in most cases it will only further unsettle her. A brother shouldn't feel as though he must have the answers and see her problem solved right then. He may not see any results from his efforts, but just him being personally concerned has helped her. She needs to know that Jesus understands her and that he died for all her fears and upsets.
Heb. 4:15, "For we have not a high priest who is unable to sympathize with out weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin."
When a brother sees a sister being pushy, his reaction is to feel pushed away immediately and usually doesn't know how to handle it. It's best for him to just tell her what he thinks, and that will often be enough. A sister very easily gets ashamed over seeing herself do wrong, especially in this area. She worries that the brother will keep this view of her being a pushy sister forever.
Some sisters get pushy because they were raised to be in control and to think they are always right. Others say pushy things out of being insecure. There is a separation to be made between what a sister is saying and her attitude.
With a new sister, a brother will have to explain more how being pushy is wrong, showing her from the Bible (1 Pe. 3:4, "but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable jewel of a gentle and quiet spirit"). You may have to overlook things she does at times because she will not understand. Pushiness can be directed in a right way, for example, in raising lambs and witnessing.
If a brother is unsure in a given situation, he can ask a brother that knows her or another sister.
When Jesus was with the woman caught in adultery in John 8, he was very kind but also firm with her. He told her to "sin no more" but was not condemning her. This is a good attitude for brothers when they are correcting a sister. Another example is when God told Sarah she had laughed (Gen. 18:15, "But Sarah denied saying, `I did not laugh;' for she was afraid. He said, `No, but you did laugh'"). He only used as much force as was necessary.
A sister needs to see that the brother correcting her is seeking her good and not just trying to deal with her. Since she fears rejection, and is ashamed, the brother can encourage her that he doesn't view her according to her mistakes. If a sister is unwilling to listen to correction, the brother could direct her to fellowship with an older sister; it's not good to leave the matter unsettled.
Leading a sister spiritually means directing her to Jesus at all times. Sisters need help spiritually because it is difficult for them to have a right view of Jesus. She tends to walk by feelings rather than trust her Heavenly Father. In that a brother's sight of Jesus is a lot clearer, he can lead her spiritually. A sister wants to be led, but calmly, not anxiously. Therefore, the brother must have a zealous attitude of wanting to please Jesus. He has to be walking by faith himself or a sister will not trust herself to him. A brother must be drawing near to Jesus and having a desire to lead her to Him. If that desire is there, he should be going to his Father for direction on how to lead a sister. In doing this, he will learn to take the Church by the hand also. They both go hand in hand.
There are many examples that show how Jesus was towards women in the Bible. These examples do not go into deep teaching about it. One thing is clear, that just as Jesus was never angry with them, he is never angry with sisters as they so often tend to think.
Jesus went to where women were at. If they sinned, although he never overlooked their sin, he did not condemn them but reassured them of his forgiveness, firmly directing them not to sin again.
Often when a sister does something wrong, a brother, instead of looking at her attitudes and showing her the right way, will point to the wrong and leave it at that. This only makes a sister more ashamed. In John 8, the adulteress was ashamed, but Jesus protected her, reassured her and told her what she was to do, ". . . go and do not sin again." When Martha was anxious and troubled, Jesus kindly but firmly showed her what she did wrong, and then he directed her to a right example, Mary, who was choosing the better portion. When a sister is worried and anxious, it helps her to be directed to Jesus' promises which are the better portion.
Jesus trusted himself to those who cared. In John 4, Jesus trusted himself to the woman of Samaria in a shorter period of time more than to any other person. She was honest and genuinely testing Jesus. She cared about the old way and was looking to the coming of the Messiah as her hope. In John 11, Jesus trusted himself to Martha who was looking to the final resurrection. Because she was listening to Jesus and trusting him, he was able to teach her deep things concerning himself.
There are three accounts in the gospels that show Jesus reassuring the woman who had a flow of blood for twelve years, telling her that her faith made her well and to "go in peace."
In Matthew 15:28, Jesus had mercy on a Canaanite woman. Although she was not a Jew, Jesus did not reject her. Instead, he gave her her heart's desire because her faith was great. In Luke 7, a woman came to Jesus wetting his feet with her tears, drying them with her hair and anointing them with oil. While those who were with him did not approve of her actions, Jesus was not condescending, but rather merciful and kind. He reassured her when she repented that she was forgiven, saying "your faith has saved you, go in peace" as he often said to women.
Just as Jesus was toward women in the examples above, it helps sisters to be reminded that he's the same way toward them.
Sister's real view of Jesus has to come from the Bible which is also reflected by the brothers. If not, her tendency is to drift away from what he is really like. Especially when they are alone, sisters can easily get a wrong view of Jesus. They will think He is harsh and condemning and will find it hard to look past their present feelings. For instance, a sister easily forgets Jesus' love for her and thinks He is angry with her and will reject her when she comes to Him.
When a sister goes through trials, she feels as if Jesus has cast her off and forsaken her. At times like this a brother can help by giving her the reassurance she needs. Sometimes a sister will see Jesus as unfair and complains, "Why do I have to go through this?" Then, when Jesus brings her through the trial, she should realize He has been carrying her all along (Is. 46:4). Although she feels cast off, she should have faith that He is taking care of her.
On the other hand, sisters will see Jesus as their closest friend. They can confide in Him and be honest, knowing that he genuinely cares about them and understands them. Sisters know that Jesus is faithful and is their only hope, and that only He can give them happy and fulfilled lives.
Although a sister's view of Jesus comes from and is based on the Bible, the way the brothers are greatly influences how she sees Jesus, so it is important that the brothers imitate Jesus to be sure they are presenting sisters with a right view of Him.
Jesus was always kind to women yet without being weak. He is firm and truthful yet not condemning. If there is a problem to be taken care of, or a point to be seen, the brother should direct the sister to see the real issue, point to the facts and go to the answer with faith in Jesus. Sisters need to be reminded of the warfare between Jesus and the devil, showing what Jesus would do in particular situations.
Brothers speaking personally of their view of Jesus, coming from the Bible, is helpful in giving sisters a clear view of him and taking time to read the Bible with sisters, especially the gospels, and pointing to ways they understand His nature and actions. Brothers can show them ways Jesus will help them by being aware of which chapters and promises most apply to sisters. Remember, a brother must be honest and personal with Jesus, then he will naturally be speaking to sisters in a real and relaxed way.
Prayer is a most sacred and intimate time with Jesus. It is the closest that we are to Jesus while still here in the flesh. Sisters get spirit and strength through praying. The devil works through a sister's feelings in prayer in order to upset her and to render her prayer ineffective.
Some common lies he'll suggest are: "Jesus is distant and isn't listening to your prayer" and "You're evil. Jesus is angry with you." Although these contradict scripture and truth, these thoughts can be very convincing at times. The brothers can be pointing the sisters to faith through genuine confidence in Jesus' promises. Remembering these forces and reminding the sisters that in fact, Jesus is near and desires them to go to him with a whole heart. "He waits to be gracious to you."
If a brother is anxious or holding back, before or during prayer, this could affect the sister's prayer in a bad way. Water takes the shape of its container, and the brother's spirit could help or hinder a sister's prayer. Brothers having confidence themselves will help to calm doubts and fears that sisters have in prayer.
Sisters, more than brothers, need spirit from Jesus and need to be going to him often throughout the day. It is considerate for the brothers to invite the sisters to pray with them.
Brothers need only relax and trust Jesus, his promises, his presence with us, and he will work through them to lead the sisters closer to Him.
Sisters, even more than brothers, need to get a clear view of Jesus through the Bible. Sisters will often lose interest and drift from the Bible because they don't understand it. since the Bible was written through men and directed toward men, a woman needs it interpreted to her. The brothers must come to realize how important it is to be directing sisters to the Bible, but in order to be able to help a sister in this way, the brother must first be actually reflecting scriptures in his life.
Here are some guidelines to direct the sisters in the Bible: Pointing sisters to examples in the Bible when faced with particular situations really helps her to see clearly what to do. Sisters drift from Jesus' love for them but are quickly reassured when reminded of his promises and his love for her through the Bible. It is particularly helpful for sisters to read the Gospel of John often because it gives them a clearer view of Jesus' nature.
Because of sisters' tendency to chit-chat, it's important for the brothers to be directly fellowshipping in the Bible and to lead the sisters to fellowshipping in the Bible. Also, it's very motivating when brothers give sisters Bible studies when his person and concern are there. Left on her own, a sister will drift from the Bible easily but when directed, by the brothers in these ways, the Bible becomes interesting, meaningful and comes alive to her.
In order for the brothers to lead the sisters into fellowshipping, there must first be a right fellowship among the brothers. A sister can't be fooled. She can tell when the brothers are genuinely concerned for her or not. If that concern isn't there, she will want nothing to do with the "fellowship" the brother is offering. Remember, fellowshipping doesn't mean talking to the sisters about your problems, etc. It's guiding them so they don't stray off all over the place. Helping the sister to be sober. Sisters do have that problem of drifting from real fellowship into chit-chatting and therefore needing to be led back to meaningful fellowship again. Leading means the brothers being the examples and the sisters following.
As a result of rightly leading sisters in fellowship, the brothers will come to know the sisters personally and be better able to help them. Again, you must remember one thing: there first has to be real fellowship among the brothers.
Unity in this area is very important. The sisters aren't warriors. The brothers are to lead her with respect to what's expected of her. Remember that sisters are the helpers, and it is part of the brother's responsibility to lead. The sisters will be looking to see if the brothers really care about what they are doing: if they care about the unsaved, the lambs and the sisters. When the sisters see them practicing kindness toward each other and looking to unite, it will put many of their fears to rest. But you can't fool the sisters with your words; they'll know by the spirit.
Sisters are more sensitive toward situations. During the witness, ask the sister what she thinks, but not in a way of throwing the whole witness on her. She needs to see herself as united and included and able to contribute in the witnessing.
Often with brothers in a witness one of two things happen:
When brothers practice kindness toward each other and are united in directing Art Shows and taking the sisters witnessing, the sisters will be led and secure and will see themselves as helpers.
The brothers should be able to say, "Come on, we're going witnessing and you're going to see people get saved right now" and be able to lead others out and bear fruit. The fellowship would rapidly grow.
Sisters are especially shortsighted and we easily look at the situation and problems now, so we easily forget that Jesus is raising up our fellowship to be a people and a nation (Titus 2:14). We are a spiritual fellowship and sisters need to be reminded of the special calling which God has given us. For instance, he has given us understanding through the true interpretation of the Bible and he is using us to make Him known through the light of that understanding (2 Co. 4:1, 2). The brothers could be reminding the sisters of this by pointing to the many hopeful ways that Jesus has given our fellowship success, the most recent being, The Lamb Program, The Art Shows, and The Newly Saved Program. Also, they could remind the sisters of where we have come from as compared to where we are now.
It would also be very helpful for the brothers to remind the sisters of how for both of us, all of our real needs are taken care of in the fellowship--things such as purpose and fulfillment, as well as our physical needs. They could remind the sisters that our fellowship is a joy and something to be thankful for.
When the brothers are confident that Jesus is using our fellowship for His glory, so that they themselves are zealous and motivated and taking the fellowship by the hand, the sisters will all the more see hope in the future of our fellowship and will very willingly follow along.
Both brothers and sisters have to choose faith over feelings, but a sister's feelings are far more intense. It's hard for a sister not to listen to her feelings; she has to learn not to sow to them.
Since a sister's feelings are so strong, it is more difficult for sisters to trust Jesus. Even when asked how her relationship with Jesus is, a sister will often go to her feelings first-- whether she feels close to Jesus or not. If she has right attitudes toward Jesus and wants to be with him, then she should walk by faith that she is close to him.
When a sister is drifting from Jesus and starts to get distant, she has to overcome feelings of guilt and shame by trusting Jesus' promises rather than going round and round. A brother can help by replacing those feelings with an appropriate promise from Jesus.
Sisters get unstable by allowing themselves to be tossed around by their emotions and looking to circumstances. She will be overwhelmed by fears and worries, but if she chooses to walk by faith, she will be seen as steady, relaxed and proud of Jesus. She will trust Jesus' love for her and speak about this kindness and forgiveness (1 Pe. 5:7).
For a sister to grow in faith, it is important that she be urgent to come to the light and be honest about how she is unkind, and then practice kindness. If she does this, she will bear the fruits of the spirit and be free.
A sister can have peace if she remembers and has faith that Jesus is in control of her life. Sisters can have confidence that, no matter what the situation, Jesus is fully committed to taking care of all of their needs.
Sisters often lose sight of Jesus' love and great kindness toward them, unless they are continually reminded by the brothers. We would not know what love is if it were not for Jesus' example of laying down his life for us. Brothers can reflect this same attitude by laying down their lives for the sisters. Any good shepherd lays down his life for his flock (Jn. 10:11).
It doesn't take much to be loving and to put others first, taking the extra step to make sure the sisters are being taken care of. Brothers should be forebearing toward sisters, understanding their weaknesses. When a sister is upset, instead of imitation concern (like throwing a verse at her) the brother should take time to find out what is troubling her. Jesus spent his whole life serving the needs of others, and the brothers should have that same attitude.
If the brothers are [not] loving one another, they cannot be loving toward the sisters (Philip. 2:3). The problem that prevents brothers from showing love is a lack of willingness to lay down their pride. If their motivation is first to please Jesus, then their attitude will be one of showing love. This is an action that can be seen and needs no speech to hide behind. When a brother is giving of himself, he cannot be caring about how he looks at the same time. He will speak the truth to upbuild others and will [be] confident in what is right and true.
The following chapter concerns the most common and worst mistakes brothers make toward sisters, including wrong ideas they have about how to encourage, direct and deal with them. It should be helpful in understanding how a brother ought not to be with a sister. Good intentions are just not enough. In fact, a brother's good intentions and ideas about encouraging sisters may actually end up in non-encouragement, as will be seen in the following sections
First of all, a brother ought not to be anxious or fearful about fellowshipping with sisters. Sisters are glad to fellowship and want to be close to brothers, united in Jesus' Spirit. There is no reason to assume that a sister will reject any sincere effort on the part of a brother to fellowship with her, or to expect sisters (especially the older ones) to "only point out wrong things." Looking to a sister for reassurance of his fears when talking to her is all wrong. (This is especially common with the older sisters.) Any such looking to be directed, upbuilt or encouraged by the sister is backwards, and he is wanting to be mothered.
A brother should never wail to a sister or tell her he is discouraged; this only pressures her to praise him or to mother him. A brother praising a sister while degrading himself will place the same pressure upon her. For example, saying, "Wow, sister, Jesus has really given you a lot of talents" while insinuating that he is not equally blessed. A brother should never discuss his feelings with a sister unless it is to help her with her feelings, and then only coming from The Book.
A brother should never "fellowship" about his marriage or sex trial with sisters, nor should he discuss the personal trials of other brothers with them. And as a general rule brothers should not try to find out about her trials in this area. A common mistake then is to suspect or "accuse" her of not being honest because she isn't confiding personal matters to him.
A brother should speak the truth kindly and not hold back from fearing that he will hurt a sister's feelings. "Coming down' on her isn't right either; rather--"how forceful are honest words!" It is also a mistake to assume that she is doing an "Eve Number"--actually acting deceitfully or trying to get wrong attention--and therefore protect himself rather than seek her good.
All the sisters like to be called "sister" sometimes, but to call her "sister" repeatedly, instead of her name, is a mistake. Another common mistake brothers make, especially while working together in the fellowship, is to be mechanical and ignore the sisters, while anxiously trying to do the work.
Assuming that the sisters (especially the older ones) know what to do and how to be in all situations, possibly because of their discretion in past situations, also is a mistake. To hold back and expect the sisters to direct or lead (in prayer, witnessing or fellowship, for example) is worse.
To treat sisters like brothers in any way is a common mistake. Expecting sisters to be zealous and striving at the same level as brothers or to expect them to endure as much physical activity are two common ones. Sisters especially need proper rest, and lack of sleep may add to their emotions being upset. Another mistake is to treat a sister as though she is purely spiritual, overlooking the fact the she is a human being or even a woman, or, as "one of the gang"--giving her a slap on the back, for instance. Singling out one sister in front of everyone to compliment her on her appearance may be awkward and embarrassing for her. Brothers ought not to be continually praising or showing partiality to one sister and ignore the others.
Never stare at sisters.
It is a real mistake to try to impress sisters by playing "Tarzan." They never are impressed, really--and even if they are, how is that reflecting Jesus' nature to them? For instance, trying to protect them from strange and wild people while witnessing by playing tarzan often makes the situation worse and the sister becomes more frightened than anything else. it is a bad mistake to leave a sister alone in cities, in bad neighborhoods, in cars at night, alone witnessing to a man, or in any questionable and unprotected situation. Continuing to "witness" to a person who is being rude or obscene toward a sister, and then ignoring the effect on her is unkind (and usually unfruitful anyway). It is also unwise, and disturbing to the sister, to even start conversations with such questionable characters.
Finally, one mistake that the sisters hope that the brothers won't make is to continue to act toward the sisters according to their own ideas, rather than according to the advice and guidance of The Book.
A common mistake brothers make is randomly quoting verses to a sister who is unhappy or troubled, without finding out what the real problem is. A brother will try to make her "feel better" instead of practicing the six steps of love. He will expect her to ignore the problem and respond as though she is encouraged, and then make her feel bad if she doesn't get encouraged.
Another kind of non-encouragement is for a brother to go on and on about how good his day was without finding out about how her day was, and expect her to be encouraged.
"Praise God-ding" instead of praising God is not encouraging. Saying true things in an empty mechanical way to a sister comes across like a lead balloon, and can altogether ruin the effectiveness of what he is saying. For example, emptily repeating "Jesus loves you" for every situation, even when she drops a fork on the floor, makes something as true and wonderful as that seem meaningless.
It is also non-encouraging for a brother to remind a sister of God's promises if he isn't trusting them himself.
It is a mistake to overlook a sister's worries or fears about a situation. A brother will try to encourage her by saying something like "Jesus is going to use you," without genuinely trying to put her fears to rest or offering real help to her. Brothers sometimes try to encourage a sister by praising her, but there is a difference between commending a sister and plain flattery. Sisters know the difference. If he is flattering her, instead of being encouraged or more confident, she will feel "funny" and be suspicious of the brother's motives. Anything that isn't meant from the heart or that isn't what he really meant to say will be non-encouragement.
The Bible speaks of sisters as helpers and sisters desire to be helpers in a real way. They not only need a sense of being a help, but also a sense of being appreciated for their help, not ignored. The following are some examples of how brothers take advantage of the sisters as helpers:
This category will be concerned with the matter of brothers "dealing" with sisters an dhow they should do so. Also some guidelines will be given for when it is best to "deal" with a sister and when it is not.
The term "dealing" has to do with handling a problem--taking on the responsibility of understanding it and proceeding to do something constructive about it. It should be understood that "dealing" with a sister does not mean "coming down on her" nor does it mean relying on psychology to figure her out. This "dealing" is what a brother is doing when he confronts a sister with the intent of resolving a matter concerning her.
There are certain times when it is especially right for brothers to deal with sisters, and other times when it would be unnecessary and would perhaps do more harm than good.
There are certain times when dealing with a sister would be appropriate and when it would not. Here are some suggestions which should be helpful:
Stating the truth of the matter seriously and kindly and then dropping the issue is always effective and safe. "How forceful are honest words."
When Not To Deal With Sisters:
These are only beginning to identify cases in which brothers should or should not deal with sisters. There are certainly many other cases which are not mentioned here, yet this should lend a sufficient basis for a brother to begin determining when, when not to, and how to deal with sisters.
This category will cover the specific issue of how not to direct sisters. this is closely related to, but different than "How Not To Be Toward Sisters." "Directing" speaks of offering guidance and constructive advice, which sisters do need. Brothers are meant to direct sisters, so the following are mistakes to be avoided when trying to direct sisters. Certainly directing sisters does not mean dictating their actions. Sisters need to be personally responsible to Jesus and to the fellowship. Giving orders in a sergeant-type manner is harsh and unnecessary. On the other hand, being timid and nice is just as bad if not worse. Neither extreme is a real show of confidence in Jesus, and both are unbelievable to the sisters. Imitating a technique without understanding and right motives is empty and only a performance. It is also a mistake for a brother to repeat and apply something to one sister that he heard an older brother say to another sister, when he is not certain that it really does apply. This is taking a chance at her expense, so he should weigh the cost for her sake.
Sisters realize that brothers are not perfect and that they don't know what is best in every situation, so there is no need for brothers to try and act as if they do. Younger brothers trying to direct older sisters is especially silly, because older sisters understand more and have more experience.
It is not real direction to just tell a sister to "do things," especially things for which brothers should be responsible. Brothers should not direct sisters to witness or feed lambs alone; it is always better for her to be united with another sister. It is not necessarily helpful for a sister just to do busy work, so brothers should not direct sisters to do something at random, just to keep her occupied.
Other points about how not to direct sisters which are harder to detect or "swept under the rug" would be:
Brothers have to be right themselves, and it is a mistake trying to hide when they are not. When there is something wrong with a brother, rather than being honest about it and going to Jesus to overcome, he will often try to hide it. This is hopeless because sisters sense it, and on that basis there will not exist any genuine fellowship in pleasing Jesus.
Following are some common wrong attitudes or actions that brothers tolerate, and ways that they try to cover them up:
Another one that upsets sisters is when a brother doesn't really care about lambs, but tries to act as though he does, putting forth a pushy front without providing the needed bread.
Sisters want to be able to be proud of the brothers' fellowship; the brothers' stability and common sense is important. When a brother stays alone, he is usually not respected, but a genuine fellowship of brothers is strong and puts many sisters' fears to rest.
Because brothers do not regard sisters as women, they are unaware of the forces on sisters which are different than the forces on brothers, and thus they do not realize the special need for gentleness toward sisters. Brothers often either treat the sisters as they would other brothers, or ignore the sisters, not realizing the effect that both of these actions have on them. Sisters can easily sense the attitude or spirit behind a person's actions. When a brother's motivation comes from loving and imitating Jesus, the sister is glad to trust herself to him. Whereas, if he is in any way otherwise motivated, the sister only ends up feeling strange and often defensive.
Before a brother starts to fellowship with a sister, he should examine his attitude and whether or not he really cares. When a brother anxiously or nervously walks up to a sister and says, "Hi, sister. How are you? How was your day?" she senses his spirit and automatically protects herself. Often, because she wants to do what is right, she feels obligated to answer his question and both of them feel strange.
A sister will trust a brother according to his sincerity toward Jesus and toward her, more than according to his performance. Sisters often wind up ashamed and condemning toward themselves for not being able to relax and trust themselves to the brothers.
Brothers overlook the fact that because sisters are more sensitive, their sight may be more reliable in certain cases, such as with unsaved girls or helping other sisters.
Understanding what marriage is based on is very important before you can rightly approach marriage. We are very far from understanding a lot of the facts that need to be understood in this area. We have attempted to try and clear up some of the wrong views that have grown up in our fellowship. Be sure to remember that there is a lot more to the basis of marriage than what is included here
Marriage is an investment in the flesh. It is not spiritual. One of the most common mistakes brothers make is approaching marriage with the idea that they are marrying a sister "in order to lead her to Jesus." On the one hand, you cannot throw these intentions out the door, but it is not the true basis for marriage. When you take a wife, it is because you love her and want her to be your own. A brother must openly admit his real reasons for wanting to marry.
"It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him" (Gen. 2:18). God gave marriage to man as a gift but also because of his human weaknesses. Marriage was given to us by way of concession, that is, by way of necessity (1 Cor. 7:2). When we approach marriage, it is important to realize and admit that it is because of our weakness that we want to marry.
". . . yet your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you" (Gen. 3:16). From the very beginning, God planned that the man would rule over the woman. The woman does not like the man ruling over her, "yet" her desire is still for her husband. From the beginning it is necessary that the husband be insisting on the truth in the Bible about her. She needs him and he is to rule over her. God planned marriage to be this way. Marriage must be based on the man leading the woman.
Taking a wife in honor takes a lot into consideration. The husband needs to be living honorably in EVERY WAY BEFORE HE CAN EVEN CONSIDER taking a wife in honor. An example is given in Ruth 3:6-13. 1) Boaz was practiced in living honorably and was able to understand and handle marriage when the time came. 2) he understood God's law and knew what was required of him. 3) In verse 11 he appealed to what was honorable in the sight of his "fellow townsmen." 4) Boaz understood Ruth's fears and needs and was able to reassure her accordingly. A brother needs to be living honorably before he marries and after. Anything less will bring disgrace.
1 Thessalonians 4:4, 5 is a clear standard of taking a wife in honor. While it is true that marriage is an investment in the flesh, it is not for the indulgence of the flesh.
A clear conscience is a must in marriage in that it is largely the standard with which we are left. It is important to realize how conscience and God's will are inseparable and are in agreement with one another. The Bible gives us some specific direction to go by, but leaves a lot of questions unanswered. We are expected to act responsibly to the standard within us which is our conscience. We must trust Jesus' promise to guide us into the truth through the Holy Spirit.
In the area of conscience, it is a big temptation to want to avoid and maneuver around listening to our own conscience. The last thing that the flesh wants is to have the responsibility of making a decision on our own. God tests what is in our hearts in this way (Deu. 8:2). He expects us to stand alone with him and make responsible decisions according to our knowledge of His will.
". . . sin is couching at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it" (Gen. 4:7). Marriage is a scorpion and must not be approached naively. The brothers' view of marriage needs to deepen and mature or they will become victims for sure. Jesus strongly warned us about the forces on us with respect to marriage. We will either master it or sin will overcome us. The basis of marriage has to be commitment to Jesus first and then to the marriage. Guaranteed there will be doubts and fiery trials in every marriage, and without commitment to Jesus on the part of the husband and the wife, they will be left without any power to overcome (Lk. 10:19, Pro. 22:3).
This section is aimed at showing some of the differences between marriage in Jesus and marriage in the world. It is important to realize that whether you are a Christian or not, the desires of the flesh are the same.
In the whole area of marriage, Christians are largely left to their own consciences. When Jesus does give us a specific direction, we are expected to obey Him. But where there is no direct plan, then it is a matter of conscience. This is where the unsaved are left without direction or strength. Their consciences are not made pure, but are still darkened and weak. It is not that they are wrong in their desire to marry, but rather they are misguided. They end up being driven by their passions, rather than guided by their conscience and God's will through the Bible.
In Genesis 3:6, God arranged that the man would rule over the woman. In the world, instead of this, the men and women try to live as though they are equal to one another. There is an agreement between them that they will "share the responsibility" in marriage, instead of the man taking on the responsibility of directing his wife.
Sisters in Jesus are willing and able to admit their need for direction through a man. In every woman, whether she is a Christian or not, there is Eve at work within her trying to get her to live a lie. She tries to live as though she is able to provide security and direction for herself. If left to her own devices, she will rebel against any authority shown to her. A Christian man who is living according to the truth will be able to take hold of her and help her through these troubles. On the other hand, if both the man and the woman are not listening to Jesus, he will quickly be overcome and led around by her. The man leading the woman is almost unheard of nowadays, and any mention of it is quickly misunderstood and rebelled against.
When Christians enter into marriage, they fully realize that it is of the flesh and temporary. While they are thankful for a right marriage, they also keep in mind an eternal life which leads to a very interesting life together. It is inevitable that marriage will quickly become dull and uninteresting without Jesus. even marriage in Jesus reaches a certain point when the novelty begins to run out. It then becomes a matter of work and real devotion to Jesus and each other. Unless the man and woman both have their hope set in Jesus, their marriage will become disappointing. In many cases this leads to them looking elsewhere for interest and ends up in adultery and divorce.
If we were to add it up, we would see that it all comes down to the matter of the desires of the flesh versus God's will in marriage. The way things are in the world today, the unsaved are totally without hope. The forces involved with marriage are too great for them to handle. The devil has well arranged that they become trapped in very unhappy situations which are hard, if not impossible to straighten out. The importance of our being right examples to the world cannot be stressed enough.
Concerning starting a relationship, it is important to keep in mind that there is no easy formula. We have included some helpful suggestions and considerations.
In this section it is assumed that you have already begun a relationship with a sister and are now approaching marrying her. By this time most of the doubts, fears and awkwardness involved have somewhat settled down, but there are still things to consider and be aware of before actually marrying her.
This section is far from complete, but gives some basic checks for approaching marriage. Some of them are similar to those in the section "How to Start a Relationship," but because of their great importance, they are stressed in both areas.
This subject concerns the actual time the brother speaks to the sister about marriage. In "How to Start a Relationship," guidelines are presented to you, but in this section are listed some specific forces involved when a brother approaches a sister.
A few of the forces on the brother:
Forces on the sister:
There are many ways of upsetting a sister in approaching marriage. They range from goofy to deceitful. Each degree results in greater damage to the sister involved. How to avoid upsetting the sister is covered in previous chapters. Again, there is no formula to follow in any area of marriage. Zealously pleasing Jesus is the answer.
Goofy Phrases
Particularly Upsetting
The saddest example is the brother who has had a relationship with a sister for a few years and is allowing the relationship to drag on. It is because of his own lack of commitment to Jesus and his betrothed. The brother who is acting this way is unwilling to pay the price of taking the sister honorably and so he has to find excuses to backslide. He secretly hopes the sister will go along with him, and in most cases the brother realized that this will be an "easy win."
The brothers need to realize that marriage isn't to be played with or approached lightly. This sister will get hurt and in some cases sisters have even backslid. If a brother damages a sister, his conscience will not let him forget it and neither will the fellowship. The brother needs to constantly be striving to overcome the flesh or the deceitfulness of sin will overcome him (Heb. 3:13; Jas. 1:14, 15).
Because sisters want to be married and taken care of so badly, the situation among the brothers is very crucial. The sisters are well aware of how the brothers are toward one another. Sisters do not easily pass on and say, "It will be okay." The way the brothers are toward each other affects the sisters in many ways.
The devil has managed to get the brothers in our fellowship to be so overcome by pride, that our lives together have become unreal and unhappy. The brothers' fellowship as a whole is very unkind. Each brother leaves the other brother alone and is expected to handle problems on his own. The sisters are well aware of this. The way sisters view the brothers isn't in a condemning way, or even that we are out to get the brothers. The sisters rather become disheartened and withdraw into fears and calculations over their future. Sisters also wonder what it is that makes the brothers act so unkind and unreal. Sisters wonder, "Why do they want to be that way?" To sisters this really is a mystery.
Each time a sister sees a brother acting unkindly toward another brother, she will inwardly think, "Oh well, I know he won't take care of me." She will also be sure and remember which brothers not to go to with her problems and insecurities. All the sister's calculations about the brothers are with respect to her search for security and marriage. It is important for the brothers to realize that while they are acting unreal with themselves and other brothers, the devil is working hard on the sisters to get them to turn elsewhere for her security. Sisters search after happiness. They think, "Maybe I would be happier with my family"; or she'll notice how men in the world treat her with some degree of kindness. The devil is always right there.
Sisters in our fellowship have learned to look to one another for reassurance and security. When a sister has a problem she thinks, "Is there a brother I can talk to about this?" but she always ends up turning to other sisters for help. Brothers realize this is wrong but it is another example of what the effects of unkindness among the brothers has on the sisters. Sisters cannot get security from one another, but they try to. They realize that if the brothers aren't able to fellowship with each other, then for sure "He won't be able to overcome my troubles." There is a lot more to a sister than meets the eye and for a brother to help a sister in trouble takes strength and confidence. The fellowship among the brothers is the safe land (Jer. 12:5) but to help a sister in trouble is another whole matter.
Our fellowship is meant to be a home for brothers and sisters, lambs and people interested in Jesus. In any family, the brothers and sisters want to be proud of their home. Whenever sisters consider bringing lambs, interesteds, or even their families to our fellowship, sisters will always cross their fingers and hope that the brothers will act kindly toward them. This adds a lot of "fuel to the fire" for the sisters. The joy of having lambs and interesteds is always hampered by the unkindness in our fellowship.
Jesus has given our fellowship a lot of right direction. Most sisters are willing to listen and be obedient to the true teaching Jesus has given us for our lives. But the sisters also see brothers not listening to even the easiest directions. Sisters say to themselves, "We've heard the directions and the directions are true and right. Why aren't the brothers listening to them?" For a sister who is weak, she may take advantage of the brothers actions as an opportunity for her own flesh. Sisters will listen, but they will secretly wonder about the brothers' actions.
One last point to realize is that the sister's view of Jesus is very dim. Part of the brother's work is to lead the sisters to Jesus and reflect his nature to them. Examples of brothers imitating Jesus in our fellowship are few, and so sisters are largely left to themselves. To begin with, her views of Jesus easily become unreal. When she looks to the brother's example, her view of Jesus becomes like her example. If the brothers are unkind then the sister's view of Jesus will reflect the same attitude.
In all the chapters of this handbook, we've written a lot about the nature of sisters and their need for direction. The next two sections are unique in two ways. One confirms through God's plan the way we should live as brothers and sisters, and the other shows this by Christ's example with the Church.
When God made man he said, "I will make him a helper fit for him" (Gen. 2:18). The nature of a woman is that she is dependent on the man. God made her dependent as a type of "goad" within her to get her to look to the man. The man is made in God's image and is well able to carry his and her burdens. The man benefits if he takes on the work God appointed to him (Pro. 11:17). He is able to handle a heavy load, but to take care of a woman has a special fulfillment for him. He will be able to be proud of his work now and to present her to Christ without spot or blemish on the last day.
The Bible was written by men moved by the Hold Spirit. One thing to notice is that the Bible doesn't mention women very often. She is put lower than the man in a very special sense. Because Jesus was a man, the brothers are able to understand Jesus and the Bible a lot better than the sisters. God's plan was that the woman would be dependent on the man in this way. Also, she is able to understand God's Word through the man (1 Co. 14:35).
When Jesus came to the earth, he was continuing the work God began with the prophets. Jesus chose twelve apostles and now he is willing to use any man to continue the work he began. he desires that men fellowship with Him in leading the Church (1 Pe. 5:1-4).
Whether a man is married or not, God has a special calling for him. If brothers and sisters are not living according to God's plan, then we are living unnatural lives striving against our Maker (Is. 45:9). If we are living according to God's plan then we have a reward of lasting peace and security (Job 22:21)>
You have already seen God's plan to lead the sisters through the brothers. In the Bible it is shown through Christ's example with the Church.
Therefore, the brothers can come to understand how to take a wife by the hand and lead her, which reflects "taking the Church by the hand." In this way Jesus is leading and raising up our fellowship. This section will make it clearer in giving you a real Bible basis.
God uses marriage to teach us about the spiritual. This is particularly amazing when you consider marriage is the most intimate human relationship. Paul called marriage a mystery (Eph. 5:32). He said it referred to Christ and the Church. We need to get the spiritual view from this mystery. If we don't have a right view of marriage, we cannot have a right view of Christ and the Church.
Below are a few examples of how Christ is with the Church and how it relates to a physical marriage.
In Ephes. 5:22, Paul pointed to how Christ is the head of the Church, His body, and is himself its Savior. Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. This relates to how the husband is to be the head of the wife and love her as his own body. God expects a husband to have the same love for his wife as He has for the Church.
The wife is to be subject to her husband in everything, and in Ephes. 5:26-27, it speaks of Jesus presenting the Church to His Father without spot or blemish. This shows the great responsibility on the husband's part. It is manly his responsibility that the wife be right.
Consider Christ's personal concern for the Church. We can see in our lives how Jesus is faithful to his promise to take care of us. He provides for all our needs (Mt. 6). When a husband is imitating Jesus, not only will his wife's real needs be met but she will have a clear view of Jesus' love for her through his example.
Jesus said, "You did not choose me but I chose you." When Jesus saved us, it was nothing that we did but only because he loved us (1 Jn. 4:19). Likewise in marriage, it is out of the husband's love that he chooses his wife. It was his decision in the matter.
In Hos. 2:19, 20, God says he will betroth us to him forever in righteousness, justice, steadfast love and mercy. he surely wasn't half hearted in his commitment. This also should be a brother's determined attitude toward his betrothed.
Finally, a reason and hopefully a great motivation for understanding marriage is that Jesus uses it to teach us about the most intimate moment of all, His Second Coming, when the Church becomes Jesus' Bride (Rev. 19:7).
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