**Conan O'Brien on GUILLIANI**
"Yesterday at the St. Patrick's Day Parade here in New York City, someone threw a pretzel at Mayor Guiliani. Apparently, he was furious--until someone else through mustard at him."

**Conan O'Brien on GOLF**
"In a recent interview, Greg Norman said that Tiger Woods would be a better golfer if he didn't swing so hard. He also said that President Clinton would be a better president if he didn't swing so hard."

**Conan O'Brien on SATAN**
"Yesterday in Connecticut, a former priest performed n exorcism on a ten-year-old boy. After the devil was successfully exorsized from the boy, she returned to co-hosting her show with Regis."

**Conan O'Brien on FATHER'S DAY**
"Fathers Day is this Sunday, which means that right now Michael Jackson's son is looking for a tie that will fit s turkey baster."

**Conan O'Brien on SAILOR'S UNIFORMS**
"After sixty years, the U.S. Navy has decided that the sailors bell-bottoms are out-dated and undignified, and have decided to get rid of them. The bad news is they're replacing them with hot pants."

**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"Last night at the White House, President Clinton gave out a prestigious architecture award. This year's winner was an Italian architect that proposed mirrored ceilings for the Oval Office."

**Conan O'Brien on BEANIE BABIES**
"A New Jersey man was arrested for smuggling 1,800 fake Beanie Babies. The disturbing part is that authorities found the 1,800 Beanie Babies during a cavity search."

**Conan O'Brien on KATHIE LEE**
"This week is Fleet week, here in New York City. This is when 10,000 sailors visit the City. When Kathie Lee heard about this she said to Frank, "It's payback time, baby!"

**Conan O'Brien on A GORY STORY**
"There is a new book available, that details the intimate past of Tipper and Al Gore's sex life. It's entitled 'Things No One Wants To Know About.'"

**Conan O'Brien on PAVAROTTI**
"Yesterday in Italy, at Luciano Pavorotti's house, there was a huge fire. Firefighters say there was a great deal of smoke damage, but most of the damage occured when Pavarotti stopped, dropped, and rolled."

**Conan O'Brien on JOHNNY COCHRAN**
"Johnny Cochran recently turned down an offer to be Monica Lewinsky's lawyer. He was quoted as saying that "If she wears a beret, I say nay!"

**Conan O'Brien on GILLIGAN**
"Bob Denver, better known as 'Gilligan', was arrested for possession of marijuana. Police became suspicious of Denver when he was seen ordering fourteen coconut cream pies."

**Conan O'Brien on KAVORKIAN**
"Dr. Karvorkian says that from now on, after he kills his patients, their organs will be made available for donation. He's reported as saying he will sell them at the Gap (next to the corduroys)."

**Conan O'Brien on TORI SPELLING**
"Tori Spelling, in a recent interview, was reported as stating that kids from her high school used to call her "daddy's little rich girl". When Mr. Spelling heard this, he bought all the companies their parents worked for, and had them fired."

**Conan O'Brien on BREASTS**
"A new pill is being developed that will make women's breasts larger. It's being made available after years of intensive testing on Ted Kennedy."

**Conan O'Brien on PRESIDENTIAL ETIQUETTE**
"The other night at the White House, a man's pants fell down while he was shaking hands with the President. Which is really rude, because proper etiquette states that the one should let the President drop his pants first."

**Conan O'Brien on PAT ROBERTSON**
"Pat Robertson is warning the City of Orlando and Disney World that hosting a gay tourist event could cause God to punish then with some type of disaster. It could be a hurricane, or a visit from Pat Robertson."

**Conan O'Brien on NABISCO**
"Nabisco, the makers of the Oreo cookie, is announcing that they're cutting over three thousand jobs. It is all part of their new quota system where they'll have two black employees for every creamy white employee."

**Conan O'Brien on KATHIE LEE VICTIM**
"Yesterday, a jury awarded a woman injured by an elephant on the Regis and Kathie Lee show one and a half million dollars. They gave her one million for the injury involving the elephant, and half a million for being forced to meet Kathie Lee."

**Conan O'Brien on THE BRAWL**
"There was a huge brawl at last night's Yankee-Orioles game. Five players were ejected and seven were invited to appear on the Jerry Springer Show."

**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"Earlier today President Clinton held his first formal press conference of the year. You could tell it was formal, coz the President was wearing pants."

**Conan O'Brien on VIAGRA**
"Kmart and Walmart are having a low price war over the impotency drug Viagra. In fact some people are so excited about the low prices they no longer need the drug."

**Conan O'Brien on THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS ODB**
"ODB has announced he's changing his name to Big Baby Jesus. When asked why he said, 'I suddenly realized the name Ol' dirty Bastard was offensive.'"

**Conan O'Brien on HACKERS**
"Yesterday a group of computer hackers told Congress that hackers were now capable of shutting down the internet, re-directing commercial flights and transferring millions of Wall Street dollars around the world. Which means the only thing hackers still aren't capable of doing is losing their virginity."

**Conan O'Brien on INCONVENIENCE**
"For the past two days millions of beepers have been out of service because a satellite broke down. All across the nation this has raised havoc for doctors, especially ones that sell crack."

**Conan O'Brien on THE POST OFFICE**
"The Post Office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently they're going from semi-automatics to Uzi's."

**Conan O'Brien on MICKEY DEE'S**
"The other day sixteen New York grade school students got sick after eating at McDonalds. A spokesman for McDonalds said, 'What can we say? Sometimes the surprise in the 'Happy Meal' is salmonella.'"

**Conan O'Brien on BARNEY**
"In Minnesota three men were arrested after being caught with 2-pounds of cocaine in a Barney doll. Afterwards the arresting officer said: 'Thank God we were able to get that Barney doll off the streets.'"

**Conan O'Brien on LOSS**
"The other day a New Jersey man lost part of his penis when he tried to have sex with a vacuum cleaner. Afterwards the man said: 'I don't know what I saw in the old bag anyway.'"

**Conan O'Brien on PUNISHMENT**
"As part of his punishment for committing a lewd act George Michael was sentenced to eighty hours community service. This could lead to more trouble though coz his community service is cleaning public restrooms."

**Conan O'Brien on HAIR CELEBS**
"Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were spotted getting cosy in a hotel cocktail lounge. Nothing romantic happened. They just kept asking each other 'Does my hair look OK?'"

**Conan O'Brien on PAULA JONES**
"Paula Jones was questioned, under oath, about the distinguishing marks on President Clinton's private parts. When they asked if it was really bent, she said, 'Put it this way, if you threw it, it would come right back.'"

**Conan O'Brien on NEW YORKERS**
"According to a recent poll, half of New Yorkers say they would never move out of the city. Mostly because their probation won't allow it."

**Conan O'Brien on OBESITY**
"In New Zealand, a 670-pound man was released from prison and sent home because he's too big. Apparently, the last straw was during a strip search he was caught trying to smuggle in a vending machine."

**Conan O'Brien on PLASTIC SURGERY**
"A Beverly Hills plastic surgeon is being accused of fondling celebrities breasts while they were under anesthesia. In response the doctor said, 'I had to fondle their breasts, I was installing them.'"

**Conan O'Brien on DAN QUAYLE**
"Dan Quayle says that he hasn't decided whether or not he'll run for President in the year 2000. He said, 'After all, it's still eight years away.'"

**Conan O'Brien on SCIENCE**
"Scientists announced yesterday that they've located the gene for intelligence. When they found it, it was downloading porn off the Internet."

**Conan O'Brien on SPICE GIRLS**
"People in the music industry are saying there are at least 12 bands who are currently imitating the Spice Girls. In response, representatives for the bands said, 'We're not imitating the Spice Girls, we just happen to suck."

**Conan O'Brien on TYSON**
"In a recent interview, Evander Holyfield said that he still hasn't received an apology from Mike Tyson for biting his ear off. When asked about it, Tyson said, 'I did apologize, he just didn't hear me!'"