back to main
pictures of the members!
the BBC would like to apologise for everything on this page. we have come to learn the magnitude of this wondrous chanteuse. all messages on this page are clearly the product of disordered minds.
Our Vice-President
Erika was born Princess Czarina Dubckanek in the gold/coal mining country of the Ukraine. After a tragic fall into a planter, she contracted amnesia and moved to Pennsylvania, USA. Upon regaining her memory, Erika’s love for a certain FED Chairman (who will remain nameless), The Bangles, and The Weather Channel kept Erika in our fine country. Erika divides her time between her vice-presidential duties at the LBSNMFC and her volunteer position as the Chicken of Death at Confirmations and Barmitzvahs.
Our Chancellor
Kevin can often be found "doing the Devil’s work" on the University of Pennsylvania campus. The best day in Kevin’s life came last week when he found his soul mate in the talkative cactus known only as Rasputan II and managed a BIG SERVE against Venus Williams. Kevin hopes to some day become Co-President of Drexel University of Pennsylvania and permanently eradicate the Du-Op Shaft. When not declaring war on the Future Business Leaders of America, Kevin conducts high stakes negotiations for the LBSNMFC where he tries to get Eddy Brakell banded from all radio stations.
Our Parliamentarian
Allison’s whole life changed the day she saw the episode of The Facts of Life where Tootie lost her virginity (why, we don’t know). When not attempting to improve her numbers (4, -1/9, Pi, 900), Allison can be found DJ’ing her all ‘80’s radio show on 102.5. Allison spends her free time pondering the mystery that is Dyan Cannon’s hair, falling into man-holes, incorrectly using air-quotations ("CHEALSE"), contemplating the lyrics to Marilynn Manson’s "I’m going to Bite your Head off", and worshipping the two Rosies in her life (her car & her talk show host). Allison is pursuing her master’s degree in Women’s Studies and hopes to some day to be the curator of a museum, the creator of a Viagra/Ruhipnol pill, and the producer of The View parodies on Saturday Night Live.
Our Treasurer
As co-creator of the all-purpose joke, Aileen enjoys special privileges within the LBSNMFC (and yes, it is exactly what you are thinking!) Aileen was born Saint Rufus Tunklerott III of Bristol, but changed her name to Aileen in February of 1977 after reading Armistead Maupin’s Tales of the City. When not embezzling money from the LBSNMFC, Aileen divides her time between chairing her world famous BUTCH CABALI and getting caught by the police for stalking "Toast Girl". Aileen is married to British actor Tim Curry and has been responsible (aka can be blamed) for all his movie roles since Beauty and the Beast II: The Return of Jafar.
Our High Priestess
Scott often has difficulty finding time to issue his Mercantile Bulls due to the fact he is a member of the Ministry of Silly Walks, the Janet Reno Dance Party, and is President of the now-defunct KGB (thank-you very much Warren Christopher). As with his positional in the LBSNMFC, Scott received all of his numerous jobs due to the amazing dexterity that his fingers posses (and no, it’s not what you think…it’s worse).
Our Figure Head Monarch
When Lauren is not performing her world famous first-base interpretive dance in sold out Carnegie Hall, she splits her time tirelessly between trying to conquer the enigma that is "casual dress socks"(are they casual but dressy or are they just for casual dressing? looking at them while pondering this is much more confusing)and trying to find a cure for Stupid People. This, naturally, has led to numerous convictions in Pennsylvania, New York, and Arkansas (sorry Nevada) for: manslaughter in the 5th degree, assault with a deadly piece of toast, and wearing oh-so-sexy skin tight cat suits (MEOW!). Lauren is married to comic legend Michael Palin and Prince William Windsor. She plans to have 12 children (9 by William & 3 by Michael) and to name each one after each of her numerous hair colors.
Our Mascot
Sarah was born Raquel Rodriguez in Los Angeles in 1962. After writing her autobiography, Bueno: the ‘ay…ay’ Lady, Destinos, and me, Sarah went on to produce her own line of big collared sweaters. Unfortunately, Sarah was forced into bankruptcy, prostitution, and worst of all, Pennsylvania by the Jaclyn Smith clothing collection found in your local area big K-mart. Things started to turn around for Sarah in 1996 when she discovered Einsteinium, founded the Red Cross, and invented the wheel. Sarah currently spends all of her time being the mascot at LBSNMFC social, political, religious, culinary, literary, and astrological functions.
Our Major Whip
Sarah was raised in a small cave on the south side of Easter Island. When not working as the catalyst, stimulant, and crack-dealer of/for the LBSNMFC, Sarah spends all of her time working on her doctorate in Dominitrixism. Always a snazzy dresser and quick talker, Sarah somehow managed to dupe all the current members of the LBSNMFC into being test subjects for her doctoral thesis: Do Dominitrixs Sell Girt Certificates?
Our Head Assassin
The German locals discovered Brian along the Rhine River in 1956. His ingenuity, awesome badminton backhanded elbow-serve, and his inability to lose at Risk quickly made him a star in his own country. In 1968, Brian co-founded Death Omen, an international mercenary group. With the profits from Death Omen, Brian was able to obtain passage on a simply FAB-ulous all male cruise ship. As Head Assassin of the LBSNMFC, Brian over sees the ultimate destruction to all things detrimental Ms. Merchant and her loyal fans, namely: spiders at LBSNMFC meetings, Cop Rock, and any gum with flavor crystals. Brian is currently on two top-secret assignments for the club, but if we told you any more, he would have to kill you.
Our Controller/ Secondary Assassin
Matt holds the special distinction of being this country’s 100,000th test-tube baby (for which he received a $20.00 gift certificate to K-mart) and the first for Bumblefuck, PA. Matt spends the majority of each day thanking whatever higher powers there may be that our wonderful vice-president does not know how to load film correctly. Matt is in the painfully slow process of collecting dues from club members and is on a special assignment from the Head Assassin. When not dressed in drag as the Controller of LBSNMFC, Matt is dressed in drag as the co-founder of Death Omen.
Our Chief Technical Consultan/ Tertiary Assassin
"Big Dave" was born the coolest person on the planet. He was raised by those super intelligent Star Trek bad guys with the really big heads and is versed in every language ever spoken. Worldwide acclaim came to Dave when he invented the vacuum tube, using nothing more that a used paper towel roll and a broken rubber band, and founded the Renaissance Fair all on the same day. When not bailing out the LBSNMFC from the President’s stupid computer mistakes, Dave spends his time writing computer programs to save the world, providing the voice of every Simpsons character, and producing the most famous BBC show ever made, Red Dwarf.
Our Senior White House Correspondent/Chief Congressional Pimp:
The first half of Kate’s life is shrouded in mystery with no record of her existence before October of 1996 when she was spotted singing Opera wearing an Iguana costume in beautiful Bucks County, PA. Though Kate’s origins are unknown, she seems to have an affinity for lovely Nashville, Tenn., where she plans someday to combine her love of Criminology and musical theatre
into a one woman Sweeny Todd extravaganza. We are all thankful for the day when Miss Kate discovered her uncanny ability to both report the news from
Washington to the LBSNMFC and to lobby for our special interests by providing the Congressmen and women a little somethin’ somethin’ for their
puddin’ puddin’. Kate is also married to The Noid and is currently a practicing Scooby Doo-ologist working on her doctorate on Velma’s sexuality.
Our Lord Protector:
Though Rick has had to face oppression and prejudice throughout his life due to the fact that he was born without an ass, he has managed to juggle
numerous successful careers. In addition to his responsibilities at the LBSNMFC, which mainly involves instigating Parliamentary brawls in Britain,
Rick is editor-in-chief of numerous defunct publications, is an Austin Powers impersonator, and the LBSNMFC Mascot’s primary comBUSTible associate.
When Rick is not engrossed in his many duties, he attempts to hide his bigamy from his two wives: Cecily T. and Greta Van S.
Our Kilted Yaksman/wenchy wench:
James has no memory before the age of 42, with the only evidence of his early years being: a naked photograph of himself sans genitalia, a beat
Canadiens red and blue cap, and a $56,986,000 tab from the Doylestown
Perkins. James emigrated from war-torn Canada in 1994 and the grand ol’ US
of A has not been the same since. When not playing a strange tribal
activity from his native country that he calls “hock-key” or burning out his
clutch, James diligently performs his two duties at the LBSNMFC: being the
only straight guy at Lilth Fair and being made fun of for his accent (“The
moose in the hoose.”)
Our Weather Girl:
According to reliable sources, Lisa is as “tall as a water tower” and an excellent fajita wrapper. After two unsuccessful marriages (to Andre Agassi and John Cusack), Lisa found true love in the produce aisles of Clemens Markets and has lived happily ever after ever since. As the LBSNMFC Weather Girl, Lisa spends countless hours in front of a blue screen pointing to imaginary blue L’s and red H’s and filling in as the Weather Girl of the week on Good Morning America. Lisa’s goals include helping her brother paint every room in their parents’ house, meeting Jeffery Gaines, and perfecting her cold fusion generator.
Our Head Waiter
In June of 1997, the Doylestown Perkins was forever changed by the appearance of a dazed and confused waiter underneath its grotesquely endowed flagpole, known only as Tugger. Tugger was born of simple folk in the back woods of western PA. At age 18, he one day became confused by a pitcher of tap water with lemons in it and started his bizarre trek eastward. Since arriving at the center of D-town art, music, & culture, Tugger has managed to confuse laughing with choking, been present for every Karen G. sighting, and most importantly, respectively served the Table of 12 Gay Men. Tugger currently is captain of the Drexel Tug-a-weenie Team and works as Head Waiter at all LBSNMFC social, political, religious, culinary, literary, and astrological functions.
Our V.P.’s Concubine
Alan rose to prominence by guiding the U.S. through the stock market crash of ’87 and, in the same year, by his kariokee of Like the Weather. Alan is the perfect gentelman to fill the roll of the LBSNMFC V.P.’s Concubine due to the fact that he is still hopelessly in love with the equilibrium-challenged Erika D., despite the fact that she left him almost a year ago and he has since married. When not successfully running economy and saving this country from partisan politics, Alan loves to sit back and enjoy the velvety richness of a Natalie Merchant song.
Our Chicken Inspector:
When not sacrificing his time painting beautiful public murals in honor of Miss Merchant in sunny California, Eric diligently performs his duties as LBSNMFC Chicken Inspector. His main responsibilities include buying Chicken Nuggets (Weaver preferably) for LBSNMFC Meetings and keeping Frank Perdu out of all LBSNMFC social, political, religious, culinary, literary, and astrological functions. Using one of his three Master Degree’s in Experimental Mathematics, Eric also is trying to determine just how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie role center of a tootsie pop.
Our Home Coming Queen:
Scott was born in 1977 and created the hit show Entertainment Tonight soon after learning to walk. On ET Scott was blessed enough to be allowed to interview the Lovely Natalie twice! He also did less notable things such as saving President Reagan’s life, curing Lyme Disease, and patenting fresh water. He is currently working for GLAAD in the simply FAB-ulous town of Los Angeles. As the LBSNMFC Home Coming Queen, his main duty is to out beautify such Glam-wanna-be members of the club as the Treasurer and Kilted Yaksman. He must also flirt incessantly with the Figure Head Monarch and Head Waiter at all official LBSNMFC social, political, religious, culinary, literary, and astrological functions.
Our Prime Minister:
As Prime Minister, Gina spends most of her day trying to cover up the diplomatic blunders of (but not limited to): the LBSNMFC President, Vice-President, Chancellor, Figure-Head Monarch, and High Priestess. It should also be noted that prior to her appointment as Prime Minister, Gina took it upon herself to see that the hands of Miss Merchant were well equipped to handle the perilous fake snow so often found on stages throughout this great land. In her spare time, Gina has created such pop-bubble gum friendly words as Mondo, Fabu, and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Our Llama Wrangler:
Colleen was born on the out skirts of Westphalia in 1889. Through her love of fine wine, caviar, and nibbly things, she had avoided the ravishes of time and does not look a day over 19. After her departure from the Eden that is Bucks County, Colleen was much saddened by her new location in Ohio. That is, of course, until she found the Llamas. Most people might not know it, but Ohio has the highest Llama population north of the Mason-Dixon Line. Colleen had been able to utilize her talent of walking and chewing gum at the same time to become Ohio’s premier Llama Wrangler. After winning the 1999 Llama Wrangling Cup, Colleen graciously agreed to join the LBSNMFC to take care of the pesky Llama problem in the Figure-Head Monarch’s humble abode.
