Wilford Speaks!
This interview is re-printed without even the slightest permission
from the January 22, 1998 edition of Old and/or Drunk People Illustrated.
Here we find David Crosby of Crosby, Stills, & Nash fame interviewing Wilford
Brimley; Mr. Crosby isn't afraid to tackle the tough questions either.
David Crosby: First of all Wilford, I would like to remind you that
I have a gig to play immediately following this interview.
Stephen Stills, Graham Nash, and myself have been invited to perform on this
year's They Should Be Dead tour. Tonight we're bringing another one
of our lame sets, highlighting songs we wrote 30 years ago, to Allegany, NY.
So please, Wilford, keep any long winded comments, old man lamentations,
or complaints about today's youth to yourself. Keith Richards and Bod
Dylan get awful upset when I'm late.
Wilford Brimley: Don't worry, Dave, I like being here even less than
you. Unfortunately, I'm in desperate need of good publicity, so I've agreed to
have my words twisted and manipulated by the good people at Old and/or
Drunk People Illustrated. What can I say, I'm old fashioned.
David Crosby: All right...Wilford I saw your most recent movie,
In & Out, and I must say it was the most pointless films I've seen
in years.
Wilford Brimley: Since we're on the topic of pointlessness, perhaps
I should mention that I was quite disillusioned by the CSN box set you
guys issued a few years back. You were nothing without, and continue to be
nothing, without Neil Young.
David Crosby: Hey...don't even mention that tonedeaf caterwailer
around me. The son of a bitch doesn't even return my phone calls. He
treats me as if I were some old, fat, and balding alcoholic.
Wilford Brimley: I'm not here to listen to you bawl about how much
you hate Neil Young. What can I say, I'm old fashioned. Could we kindly
return to the topic at hand?
David Crosby: Oh...and what would that be? Making shitty movies?
Why, I haven't seen...
Wilford Brimley: You can just shut your mouth right now, you long-
haired hippie boy. Or else things will start to get ugly...
This concludes the interview session. Before Mr. Brimley
has a chance to finish his threat he is abducted by David Crosby- sympathizing
aliens. The aliens love the music of CSN and are anxiously awaiting a
reunion of some sort. Furthermore, the aliens have donated 25 kidneys to the name of
David Crosby, but hope he doesn't have to undergo another transplant.
No one has heard from Wilford Brimley since his abduction. Alien abduction experts
believe he was taken into space, placed on a vigorous weight loss program,
and relocated to another planet. A planet where he and a bunch of other
old people will live for eternity, never aging.
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