Dear J.J.,

When I think of you, I try to think of the happy things like: when we saw your pictures and the videotape of your sonogram; the times I felt you move; the day we named you; the days that we went shopping to buy you things. I find myself trying not to remember the sad things, but I could never forget them.

I'm happy that I was able to hold you and see you, but sad because I didn't hear you. I can't even describe the pain when I found out that you died. The pain was made up of so many things -- the fact that you died; I wasn't going to be able to bring you home; I let you and everyone else down; and the feeling of guilt (like I had done something that caused God to take you).

As you know, we went to visit you at the cemetery on Mother's Day. It's so hard for me to go there because when I look at your grave, I feel like your body is so close, but yet so far away.

I miss you so much. I love you with all my heart. I wish that we could be together, so that I could hold you. I love you! Goodnight.

Lots of Love, Hugs, and Kisses,

Mommy