Heather's Top 10 List

The top ten things (to me) that people do/say to people who have lost a baby/babies [#1 is the worst]: 10. When people don't even want to mention the word "baby" to me. 9. When people say, "Oh, you're young…you'll have more." 8. People not understanding why I may not be in the mood for celebrating the holidays (especially when I'm still experiencing my "first" holidays). 7. When people don't ask me about when J.J. was born (the details of his delivery). 6. People who constantly say (behind my back) that they feel so bad for me (I'm not looking for, nor do I need their pity. I just need them to talk and to listen to me about J.J., and for them not to feel uncomfortable when I do talk about him). 5. The shock/surprised looks I get when I mention J.J.'s name. 4. People who make comments like, "If that had happened to me, I wouldn't come out for 3 years." (Comments like this make me angry because it's just so ridiculous. What am I supposed to do? Bury my head in the sand for 3 years? Not go to work? Just crawl into a cocoon ? I don't think so.) 3. Treating me like a fragile object that will shatter into pieces if if I gett upset (when people don't want to be the first to mention J.J.'s name because they think it will upset me). 2. People who just don't want to talk about J.J. at all (Usually these people try to change the subject quickly). 1. Don't acknowledge me as a mother (including not wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day"). I felt compelled to compose this list . Although, there are many more remarks/actions, these were a few that came to mind. One thing that I've learned is that people can be very insensitive when it comes to the death of a child. I know that whenever someone dies, it can be awkward because people don't always know what to say, other than, "I'm sorry." However, to me the words, "I'm sorry" would have been better than what I've described in the list. Written by Heather A. Koch-Mesmer May 16, 1998 Home "Together Again" by Janet Jackson