"Nowhere to Turn" (4/97)
I have never felt so alone, no one to talk to, just on my own. No one there who REALLY cares. One minute I'm happy, the next I feel as though I don't exist. Maybe it would be better if I weren't here. Then people would realize the pain I feel. Give me one good reason why I should stay? I can't think of any, maybe it would be better this way. What would it prove? I really don't know. All I can say, if things don't change soon, I may not be around. Maybe people would realize how I feel. But then it would be too late..I would already be gone.....
"Mixed emotions" (1/98)
This world is so big, yet I feel so alone. No one around me knows the pain I feel. If you saw me, I'd seem happy. In reality, I feel alone. Words can't describe my emotions.. All I know is I feel I can't go on. The life I'm living is meaningless. My feelings toward everyone, seem different than they see me. If I cry for help, will anyone hear me? My only wish is for someone to notice, and reach out their hand to me. ONLY then will I feel real happiness, and know that someone cares....
"The light at the end" (2/98)
There's a light at the end that I strain to see. To you, it looks close, but seems so far away to me. If I ask for help, will you hear me? If I cry, will you reach out your hand? To help me feel better, I have just ONE wish. To cry on your shoulder, and be held in your arms. Not as in intimacy but as a friend, to help me see the light at the end. To feel needed, to feel wanted, this is my plea. It's exactly what I need to help set me free. My anger, pain and fears will slowly fade away. Only then will I know that everything will be o.k. So I ask of you as my friend, help me find the light at the end....
"Faded Friendships" (9/98)
Looking back on my life , remembering the good times and the bad. All the memories of my childhood , and the friendships that I had. My friends were always MOST important to me , but to them, I never seemed to be. The people I was close to , the friendships that always "seemed to be true. It makes me sad to say, but they have all drifted away. It tears away at me inside, but these feelings I have to hide. I feel so alone I am so afraid, I wish my friends would have stayed. What could I have done differently to have kept my friends so close to me? Could I have been a better friend? If I had, would they have come to an end? What is the point? what is it all for?, The people most important to me are here no more. If they come back I will hold them close to me, and be the BEST friend that I can be
"The Twisted Cycles of Depression" (1/23/00)
I wake up each and every day wondering, "how will I feel today?" Will I succeed in hiding behind one of my many masks,or will people notice the pain in my eyes? Trying to look happy is a very difficult task, most days it's impossible to put on a disguise.
The littlest thing that goes wrong, I get depressed. The worst times are when I am stressed. A major issue I have is with food. What, when, and how much I eat depends on my mood. Most of the time, I spend the day in bed. I think about many things, but mostly I wish I was dead.
The worst part about my depression is that it affects my sleep. I sit in the dark with my eyes closed, and I toss and turn and try to fall asleep. I sleep only a few hours each night, and nightmares cause me to wake up in a fright. I can't remember the last time I had a GOOD dream. Will this twisted cycle ever end? Will I ever find true happiness again? Will I ever be able to show how I REALLY feel? The only thing I want is for my life to be real.
"Hopeless" (2/3/00)
I feel like my world is crumbling before my eyes, although that doesn't come to me as a big surprise. My life over the years has been nothing but sadness and fears. Many things have happened to me that I wish I could have changed.
I can't love or be loved..I can't share my feelings...it's too hard for me to express. I keep everything bottled inside, and it only makes me feel depressed. Will I ever find true happiness? Will anyone ever care enough to say,"I love you?" I feel so alone, like no one cares. I try to be the best friend that I can be, but I feel like no one is ever there for me.
No one ever listens to what I have to say, which doesn't help me in any way. Will these feeling of hopelessness ever change? Because of depression, my life has been rearranged. I've tried everything to make these feelings go away. Nothing works, and I feel worse each and every day. If I don't find happiness soon,this message I will send. These feeling of sadness, as well as my life, will certainly come to an end.
