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I've had a very strange night. All night (like from 7 or so) everybody else around here has been getting ready to go out and I was just kinda ignoring them like usual only this time I didn't shut my door and pretend I wasn't home, I just did what I normally do. And then Mark, who's this guy from upstairs started coming in my room and hanging out because they kicked him out of the room across the hall (they were changing outfits. Again.) and we were just hanging out (not unusual) when he started telling me I had to take a shot. He kept saying it and saying it and I guess more than anything I was flattered that he was asking me, since most people assume I'll just say no and don't bother. The thought crossed my mind that someone had dared him to get me to drink but I don't think there was anyone to dare him. He called me part of their gang. That did it. So I drank a shot of vodka and a glass of apple juice. It doesn't taste that bad, I don't know what the big deal is. I was proud of myself, though, that when he was shoving a second one at me I kept saying no. (there must be some self confidence in me, see?)
It's a very weird thing. Drinking is one of those things I've always been scared of. Parties are worse, I'm more scared of parties than of drinking. Just the atmosphere of a whole lot of people way too close together all of them having a better time than me. Or at least that's the way I imagine it. I guess I've never really been to a party in that sense. I'm trying to figure out whether what I'm feeling now is more from drinking or from not being afraid. Or maybe the first caused the second. My room got very hot. and after I drank I started talking. And I'm almost sure that was more from feeling less awkward around them. yeah. So I've never been part of a group before. And I feel stupid writing so much about one shot of vodka. I've always felt like everybody's drank more than me, and I'm sure everybody still has. But I think I've always picked up on more of the school propaganda than a lot of people, and maybe you only need one to go from being brainwashed to realizing it isn't that big a deal. Maybe. I think maybe that's one of the downfalls of being where I am. I have no idea what other people my age have done or are doing. I'm 17. Is it normal that I just drank the first time tonight? I have absolutely no idea. (assuming sips of my parents drinks don't count, that is. Vodka tastes a lot better than wine, by the way.) I might drink more when they get back, if I'm still awake. Did I mention that I've never been part of a "gang"? It wasn't just Mark. They all kept telling me over and over I should come with them and I told them not tonight. I will, though, I think. Go with them once. Really, can I live a whole year on a college campus and never once enter a bar? I'll have to ask them if you can get in with your college ID. I look 18. I look 20 for that matter. The ID might do it. I have nothing to wear. I don't even own a pair of black pants. I'm thinking maybe I should buy a pair of black pants. I feel better now, about not being so much of an outcast. I suppose that is probably the definition of peer pressure. I'm thinking maybe it doesn't matter. Writing this, though, this whole topic embarasses me. I feel like half the people who read this are going to say "she didn't drink until now?" and the other half are going to say "she gave into peer pressure" and both are going to lose respect for me. I never ever admit how little experience with drinking I've had. In real life, that is. I always lie and say I've tried it but I don't like it. y'know, I am really easy to flatter. I still can't believe I'm writing this. It's almost like the first, "Am I Gay?" entry when I was 12. I was so embarassed by writing it I tore it up. I won't tear this up, probably. I wonder if "j.a." has tried alcohol yet? when we were little (fourth or fifth or maybe seventh grade) she used to talk about how she would never ever drink or smoke or do drugs or drink coffee and if anybody ever caught her doing those things they could just kill her right then. She was very serious about it. Right before I left school (ninth grade) we had a big argument about marijuana. She would never ever try it and was appalled that I would even consider it. I would still try it. But she was almost much more scared than I was by the whole prospect. Did she get over it quicker? I kinda think that even if she did she probably doesn't drink. It's much harder to get ahold of in high school even though of course it's everywhere. When I was in eighth grade one of the boys in my class got rushed to the hospital on new years eve with alcohol poisoning. There had been about ten friends at his house who were almost as drunk. All of them were 13 or 14. There really is no plot here, is there? I'm gonna go take a shower. |
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