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I know i haven't written in forever, but i'd like to start this off by saying my girlfriend is the bravest, most incredible person i've ever met in my entire life and i've never been prouder of anyone, ever.
last night she gave a speech in front of 500 people about what it's been like for her being gay in high school. and half the audience cried and the entire audience stood up and clapped as hard as they could when she was done and she walked off the stage and came over and sat next to me and i wanted to stand up on the chair and say, "look, you all love her and she's all mine and i'm the luckiest person in the entire world" ...or at least jump her, but i didn't do either, i was good, i stood there and clapped and smiled and afterwards people kept coming up and saying how incredible melchelle was and i kept agreeing (despite the fact we heard the phrase, "when i was your age" at least 10 times in 10 minutes) and afterwards we made out in the car while waiting to get out of the parking garage and playing dar williams as loud as we could. and i'm still hyper. i'm hyper in my bouncing off the walls and talkign to fast sorta way, i called both my parents at work and now i'm talking to about 6 people online and typing this at the same time and i still can't get it all out fast enough. (hence the typos, ignore them, that's just the way it goes sometimes. ) she was so incredible... and i was mildly jealous, her teacher got up there and read off statistics, like the incredibly high percentage of teenagers who are gay or lesbian and drop out of high school or attempt suicide or report being harassed in school and i was like, "I make such a good statistic somebody should study me now, somebody's gotta be interested in how i feel just cuz i'm here and i'm real..." like, if you want somebody to illustrate the fact that those things aren't made up, get me up there... but i could never have done it, my story is too long and complicated and i could never make everyone understand in a 5 minute speech, i have a hard enough time making you understand, even those of you who've been reading this since the beginning (almost two years ago, now) probably still haven't caught all of it. and i fully believe that everybody's story is long and complicated, but i don't believe in simplification, mostly because i'm bad at it and i've given up trying, there's no point in trying to simplify the truth, by the time you've succeeded it's no longer the truth. but i also believe in the truth as an unattainable goal that i'm just trying to get as close to as possible, and that it's the attempt that's important. I had a dream a few nights ago that i went to a high school, it wasn't my high school or any high school i've ever been in in real life, but it was a high school, and there were people, lots of people, everywhere, and i could barely move, and there were teachers watching me and i was trying to act for them, to make them see what they wanted to see, to make them like me, just like i always did, and then my ex-girlfriend was there, and i was avoiding her, and acting for her too, pretending i didn't know she was watching me while she was pretending she wasn't watching me only then we were standing next to each other and she hugged me and we walked down the hall holding hands and i had the thought, "but where's melchelle?" and i kept looking and looking and i couldn't find her and then i woke up. it was weird, it was like i'd gotten sucked into my past, only it was my past in an alternate universe where i was the only one who was afraid, and the whole time i was there i just kept thinking i didn't want to be. which is really my typical reaction to high school, maybe carried to a slight extreme. melchelle asked me to go to the prom with her, and i wanted to jump up and down. the prom is the only thing i really ever missed about high school, it was the one thing i wanted to do, and it's not the actual prom i'm looking forward to near as much as the getting ready, getting dressed up, getting my hair done part. i want to get my hair done with flowers and i have to buy new shoes and i'm going to wear my new year's dress that's long and velvet with glitter flowers and butterflies and it makes me very happy and did you ever see the prom episode on buffy? melchelle thought i was crazy but i think that's every person's secret dream, or at least mine but i like to believe my secret dreams aren't unusual, but it's like you've been outside all your life and you're going to the prom to pretend that you're not, to pretend for one night that you're one of them, and while you're there they all get together and say, "you know what, we did notice you, we did notice that you're incredible, and we're sorry that we never told you before." and it doesn't have to be the prom, it's just the principle of being recognized for what you are instead of what you aren't, and i think that's what makes me cry everytime i see it. I want that. i want people to stand up and say, "you know what, you're special and we noticed" and maybe it's a stupid self-serving little fantasy that everybody wants and nobody really deserves, but i think maybe it's the opposite, maybe everyone deserves it and not everyone believes that they do. maybe it's just a sign that sarah's more conceited than she'll admit that she thinks she does deserve it... at least some days. i had one of those moments last week when i went grocery shopping. it didn't occur to me until i was paying for my groceries, but once i started thinking about it i couldn't stop... it occured to me that i had just driven myself to the grocery store with my own car, picked out groceries for myself, paid for them with my own money, and was about to take them back to my apartment, the one i pay rent for all by myself, and i'm 18 years old. and i had that thought, that, "you know what, this is very incredible of me" thought, and i had to go home and tell everybody that i'd had that thought, that i'd bought myself groceries with money that i earned working at my job (which i also got by myself) and nobody seemed to appreciate it, nobody else seemed to think it's a big deal, maybe it's not, most of the free world does the same thing and complains about it, maybe it's just the optimist in me that sees financial responsibility as an accomplishment. but it doesn't matter, because now it's 3:30 and i'm going to go pick up my incredible girlfriend from school and we're going to go do something fun because i'm hyper and i can and i love you melchelle and i love everyone who's reading this because i see this as my form of recognition, i think everybody needs recognition and this is it for me, the fact that there are people who care enough at least on some level to read down this far even though you don't really know me. and that's all i have to say, we discovered a chinese food place that has a whole separate tofu menu and i think i'm craving chinese tofu... maybe tofu with cashew nuts although i don't like the celery... anyway, i'm supposed to be leaving now, yes i am, that's all, really. bye. ~me |