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6 more days of classes.
I can hardly believe that I got through a whole year here, and I just don't want to leave. I'm more than ready for the classes to be over. But I love living here. I bounce back and forth between feeling like a little kid and feeling like an adult. There is no in between. Every once in a while I'll be hanging out and I'll think, "What the hell are we doing here?" It really is a bizarre concept, to think that we are capable of going from 18, living at home with rules to suddenly being 18 not living at home with no rules. (Not that I actually did that, but close.) And it's not even like it's a bunch of 18 year olds slowly assimilating into the adult world... it's a community of 18 year olds edging each other on, seeing who can be the most irresponsible. Is there really anyone in this country who thinks 18-21 year olds don't drink? Really, I don't know what that law is preventing. 18 year olds have 21 year old friends who remember what it was like to be 18. I live with 3,000 other students, most of them between 18 and 21. We're split up into 9 different buildings. It is not possible to go through your day without socializing. You're surrounded by people, 24 hours a day. Usually, I can hear at least two other people's stereos playing at the same time as mine. There are more people awake at 3am than 10am, always. They talk about making residence halls conducive to learning... they're not and they never will be. When you are surrounded by people, it is near impossible to say, "no, I won't go outside and blow bubbles with you, I have to study." Instead, you go outside and blow bubbles and play volleyball or walk to the playground and swing and make the guys spin the merry-go-round until you can't stand up. I know a lot of people who smoke cigarettes... I know at least twice as many who smoke pot. College students are used to doing things that are illegal, by this point everybody has tried alcohol, even the girl who came in talking about religion and how her church forbid alcohol. I don't know anyone (not counting my mother) that smokes cigarettes and not pot, and I know a lot of people who just smoke pot. I've never tried it, but I've been offered several times and I've forgotten why it is I said no. I came here thinking I would never drink, and in the past semester I've tried vodka, beer, zima, bacardi limon, and apple pucker liquor, but I've still never really gotten drunk, I've never had more than two drinks in one night. I've set out to drink more than that twice... the first time I decided I could only gag down one beer and I was going to have to stop. The second time it was a monday night, and I really did need to go to class the next day. I can't walk anywhere on campus without hearing someone talk about alcohol. On April 20th my 3-4:30 class was almost empty, because most people wanted to be elsewhere at 4:20 on 4/20. (just in case: 420 used to be a police code for marijuana. It's now the official stoner time.) My point is... We're not adults. We're no where near adults. About half my friends think of themselves as kids, the other half think of themselves as adults... it doesn't seem to make any difference. We all spend more time sitting around talking about nothing than we do studying. A lot of people I know miss more classes than they go to. Theoretically, we should average 15 hours a week in classes, and if you're a serious student maybe 15 hours a week studying. Most of the people I know don't have actual paying jobs... that leaves you with 30 hours a week you should be working. That's less than a full-time job. And we still can't do it. We act the exact same way 13 year olds would, if you put 13 year olds in dorms and told them to take care of themselves. If anything, we're worse, because 13 year olds don't take as many risks, they're still under parental brainwashing influences. But noone would ever think about putting 13 year olds in dorms, at least not without major supervision, boarding schools don't count. So when is it that we grow up? How do you go from being a college student who drinks every thursday night (because the weekend starts on thursday) to being an adult with a job, a house, a car, maybe even a spouse and kids? How does that happen? There are people who are 21 and have all those things, when did they grow up? I think maybe they grew up when they had to. If you have to work, you will, I think. Maybe all college students are spoiled. I've spent more time in the past week playing volleyball than I have studying, and I'm terrible at volleyball. I carry bubbles around with me, in case I get out of class early so I can sit and blow bubbles and talk to anyone who wants to talk. I've taken off at 9pm, after dark, on a walk to the playground, and I wasn't even uncomfortable walking through the middle of campus with people who were passing around a joint. But I think in a lot of ways, we don't get enough credit. I know a lot of people who drink, I've been around when a lot of people are making weekend plans.... they all have designated drivers. They walk or take the drunk bus to the bars, they don't even think about going to canada (where the drinking age is 19) without a dd. Or they'll all go somewhere set to stay for the night, because no one drives after they drink. And I have never seen anyone pressured to do something. They'll ask if you want to drink or smoke and if you say no it isn't a big deal. I seem to be attracted to potheads, pretty much all my friends smoke. And none of them ever asked more than once. And I think that's normal. I don't really know what my point is. Mostly, it just doesn't make sense to me that we're supposed to be adults. Mostly, I think if we're supposed to be adults we should be treated like adults, and the drinking age should be lowered to 18. Of course I'm not 18 yet, but that's beside the point. And if we're not supposed to be adults, why are we treated like adults? I've met a lot of guys here, One of them is capable of (and interested in) carrying on a real conversation. He's 21. I would like to get in a relationship with a guy, as an experiment. I've been trying, I've tried to talk to different guys. I could never be in a relationship with someone who can't carry on a conversation about anything but sex or alcohol. I don't feel younger than everyone here anymore. I feel older than a lot of them, and I think I come off as conceited sometimes. I don't mean to. I think no matter how long I type, I'm not going to figure out what exactly it was I wanted to say. I just have these moments, where I feel like we're all just little kids and it doesn't make any sense for us to be here. I know people who spend more time each day putting on makeup than studying... some days I'm one of them. I'm not sure when that happened to me, I think a year ago I would've been appalled at the thought... but I'm not. My memory has completely gone out the window. Tuesday at dinner I told everyone about how there was a new Buffy and I couldn't wait to watch it... I remembered again at 9pm, right after it was over. I spent the time in between listening to music and blowing bubbles in my room while Sarah used my computer. I'm to the point that I don't care what grades I get, they're not as important as playing outside. I go through brief moments where I feel like I'm wasting the opportunity to actually learn something... and then I remember that I don't want to learn anymore. I can't even find anything interesting to learn about on my own time, next semester I'm taking classes like hitchcock films and a literature course on women, sex, and food, because there isn't anything else interesting. My brain has gone on vacation.... and right now, I have no desire to get it back. ~me |