|
I do seem to only write when things go wrong. I was on top of the world all week, I got a job that I think I'll actually like, I got my own car... and I didn't write.
I'm not on top of the world anymore, so I'm writing. If I ever stop writing I think I'll consider it a positive development. I needed working papers. As much as I try to forget it, I'm 17, and I need working papers. My parents are out of town, they left Monday afternoon and aren't coming back until Thursday evening. I dropped the little form off at the doctor's office yesterday, they told me to come back today to pick it up. I had a plan, I was going to get up around noon, get to the doctor's office around one, get to the school around 1:15, and then head into town to do some other errands. I'm still not sure what happened. I got up before noon, I think it was 11:30. I fed the cat and took a shower. And then, I remembered I had to go to the school. And I decided I wasn't going to just throw clothes on. I blow dried my hair, which I never do because it takes forever, I have way too much hair. And then I put on makeup and tried on four different shirts. And then I realized it was 1:15. I ran around in circles, trying to find everything I needed and then got in the car around 1:25. I got to the doctor's office around 1:40. I ran in, got my papers, ran back out, and left the doctor's office at 1:50. The school is in the opposite direction of the doctor's office... I got there at exactly 2:15, just as school let out. I saw people streaming out of the school and I started panicking. I don't know what the definition of panic attack is, I don't know if that's what it is. But my heart beats way too fast, I can feel it, and I breathe way too fast to keep up, and I have to swallow and blink to keep from crying and most of all I can't talk. I stutter and if I try to talk it's like people are on the other side of a wall and their words have to get through the wall to get to my brain and it takes my brain too long to understand. I got out of the car and walked toward the office without looking at anybody. Aaron saw me and yelled hello and I stopped and tried to talk and tried to explain to him that the night before my dad bought me two tickets to see tori and alanis and I tried to ask him if he knew anybody who was interested (because he is the biggest tori fan of all time) but words just didn't work right and I have no idea what he thought was going on. I called him tonight, but he wasn't home and either he didn't call back or he called back when I wasn't here and didn't leave a message. There is something about that school. I don't think it's even the people, just the school itself, that scares me. I dream sometimes of my 15 minutes of fame. Of making sure that everyone in that school knows I have accomplished more in the three years since I left than most of them will ever accomplish. Saturday, our newspaper had two front page stories. One of them was about the railroad or something, the other was about a local boy who is graduating from the community college (the same one I went to) the same year he's graduating from high school. He took a lot of clep tests and internet classes and barely any normal college classes. Rosie O'Donnell had a little girl on who's 10 and could be in college but isn't. She was very rude. In August, one of the network news programs did a whole story about kids entering Simon's Rock, where kids normally start college when they're 16 or so I think. Next year, I'm going to graduate with a bachelor's degree and at least medium honors and I did it in my own way and I doubt anybody ever did it quite the way I did before and I'll be 18 years old. The same age as that boy in the paper. I fantasize about what I'd say if I were the one on the Rosie O'Donnell show or being interviewed for the paper. When my dad saw that article in our newspaper he said "we'll save the bells and whistles for an 18 year old graduating" (from my school.) ...he fantasizes about it too, I think. We were told so many times in so many ways that I couldn't do it, especially at the beginning. I want the kids who made me feel like shit in high school to be leaving their job at wal-mart and see my picture on the cover of the newspaper. And I don't really like myself for wanting that. I think I'd like myself more if I could forgive them. If I could say, "It's over, it's done, and I like myself enough that I don't need anyone else to know." But that's just not how I feel. I don't always like myself. There are people I don't want to know because I'm worried they won't like me if they know and then there are people I want to know because I don't like them. People tend to feel insecure around me. And somedays, I like that. I have a power over them, I have proof that I'm not nobody. I hate to rely on TV to speak for me. But I am so much like Julia on Party of Five. In the last episode the spent the whole show talking about how she has blown her chances at a scholarship and when she got it she was amazed. She had been sure her grades weren't good enough and she had written a terrible essay. And her friend said, "maybe they made a mistake" and she said, "no. No, I made a mistake. It's like nothing I ever do is good enough for me." And that's me, right there. Nothing I ever do is good enough for me. ~me |