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So, here is the disclaimer: I have mono, and I've gone home for a week. And I've decided to try and put as little pressure as possible on myself while I'm here, it won't do any good to sit around worrying about how much work I'm missing. And I have so much writing to do, so much I've wanted to write down but couldn't, because I keep moving, keep getting more things that need to be written down. I have an obsession for documenting, I realize this.
So, my goal, this week, when I'm not sleeping, I'm going to write. Last weekend... umm... the one before this past weekend... We went out to dinner Friday night, six of us. And then everyone who could spend the night sat around my room with a bottle of vodka. I got really really drunk and melchelle and I kicked everyone out for a while. And Saturday morning I knew I was sick, my glands were huge, and I was exhausted... I brushed it off, my glands always get big when I have a cold, I didn't get much sleep... and got drunk again saturday night. By monday I was sure I was sick and went to the health center, and they told me to come back if I did't get any better. I sleep-walked through the week, and went back on friday. They took blood, but were sure enough to write a note that said, "Student diagnosed with mononucleosis, no work for 2 weeks." I am falling behind in my classes as we speak... my professors were not all understanding, one of them still wants my paper today, even though it was assigned after I got sick and I'm too sick to come to class... and it's not getting done, I don't have the brain capacity to do actual work yet, the ability to type stream-of-consciousness style by no means implies that I have the ability to write an academic paper. I've been looking at some of the old entries on here, and it amazes me how much I missed "j.a." I remember missing her, I remember feeling an unbelievably emptiness where she was supposed to be. And I look for that now, and I can't find it. It's like it never happened, and that truly saddens me. Because it did happen, and I don't want to forget. Painful or not, that loneliness was the one real reminder I had of her, and I miss it. I'm sorry if this isn't making any sense... I am so tired. ani's new cd comes out today. I'm so excited... it's the first time I didn't pre-order it, it's the first time I've had to wait for the release date... and now the release date is here and my car's in the shop and I'm too sick to drive anyway so I have to wait until my mom gets home from work, she's bringing it with her. Last time I made the mistake of hoarding bootlegs, I knew all the songs before I even got the album. THis time I only know the songs she did at the concert we went to, and even those I don't know all that well. It's good timing, really. I could use something to cheer me up at this point. I think my friends are all slightly mad that I chose to go home this week... I could've stayed there, and they would've taken care of me... they did a really good job all last week, they did my laundry and picked up my room... But I don't sleep well there, I especially don't sleep well when melchelle's there, and it's very frustrating. I can occasionally fall asleep curled up in bed with her... occasionally. And then I wake up a couple hours later, when, in her sleep she's attempting to take over the bed, and in my sleep I'm trying to revert to the one position I can actually sleep well in... which basically means I am also trying to take over the bed. (it's a tiny dorm bed, remember... they're even narrower than twin beds) and she always wins, and she never wakes up and never remembers it in the morning... and there I am, in the three inches between her and the wall, trying to fall asleep in an impossible position... or giving up and getting up. I think even in our sleep she's more confident than I am. And when I do fall asleep again, when I wake up I wake up claustrophobic, and her arm is around me and it feels like it's tying me down and I have to get it off me and I kick and flail until I'm free... and then I wake up all the way and feel bad, it doesn't seem like that's what's supposed to happen when I wake up with my girlfriend's arm around me, but that's what does happen. I need an apartment, with a kitchen, my own bathroom, and a really big bed. That is my dream for next year. I don't care if the kitchen and bathroom are tiny and yucky, I don't care if the really big bed is a queen sized air mattress on the floor... I need someplace to live that isn't just one room, especially if that room is tiny and there are usually three people living in it... even though there's only one bed and just enough room on the floor for another. I need to be able to leave the room once in a while, I think. ...going back to bed now. Next installment... the chosen family. :-) ~me |