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so no one reads this anymore which leads me to believe that I am writing this for myself.
and if I am really writing this for myself, why do I go to the trouble of putting it on the internet? to give other people the option of reading it. and why do I want to give other people the option of reading it? because somewhere along the line it seemed that writing isn't valid unless someone else reads it. that is, after all, why I write. It's about connection. if this is failing miserably in accomplishing that... well, at least I tried. (the thoughts that go through my head while I'm sitting in class with a hangover trying to stay awake and trying not to be jealous of all the other people who are whispering about what time they are leaving to go home for thanksgiving and trying not to think about the fact that it's 9:30am and I won't get home until midnight) alcohol is a tricky thing, isn't it? cello thinks I drink too much and she might be right. but the amazing thing about it is that it doesn't just blur the day from the time I drink on... it blurs the whole day before that. So that I can't remember what I did yesterday, or saturday or sunday for that matter... because it's all one great big blur. and I can handle that. I can handle blurry. which isn't to say that I can't handle the real world, I can. I am right now, I'm here, I didn't stay in bed and miss class despite the hangover, despite the fact I almost had an emotional breakdown because I couldn't find anything for breakfast and I couldn't find my shoes and I couldn't find my keys and cello had to leave for work and there was just too much to do and my alarm clock hadn't gone off and so I was late and I had to speed to get here and I forgot my mix cd so I had to listen to the radio and I hate the radio and I'm Still Here. I am tired and worn out and beat up and I don't want to be here, but I am. And I don't understand why I need to know how mRNA works and what introns and extrons are, I've seen nurses and I haven't seen any of them every do anything with mRNA but I'm trying anyway and I'm only bitter sometimes. and after four years, you think they'd invite her. Thsi will be our fourth christmas together... the first we'd only been together a couple of months and we each spent it with our parents and the second and third we spent together and this is the fourth and my parents still haven't invited her home they still don't want to believe that she is such a big part of my life and I don't understand why they and that's not fair, that "they". it's not they it's just she. I don't understand why she has to be so shallow, she would have accepted a "girly girl" now and my friends joke and they tell me I'm not really a lesbian and that I only really like guys and maybe they're right, but the truth is I only really like one person and that's the way that I have been for a very long time and that person is cello and she has no hair and boys clothes and one earring and people call her sir all the time and I love her and I don't understand why it matters I don't understand why she can't jus tbe the somewhere in between person that she is without everyone questioning my sexuality. maybe what I find really sexy is somewhere in between. "and in the f or m boxes they give I forgive myself for not fitting in and blame the world for lack of clarity. I deliberate- penis? I've got one you know I write down D for Dildo I write down D for Dunno" ~alix olson ok so I don't know how we got here. something about the gender continuum floating through my head and a lot of things float through my head when I am this tired and I have a keyboard in front of me and it is the last day before thanksgiving vacation but I keep forgetting because I am working through most of it... and on the days I'm not working I have plans that I don't want to go through with- cello's parents house thanksgiving day and tofurky dinner with the friends on saturday and I don't know when things got so complicated, I don't know when it started to be hard to have a large group of friends we lost track when we tried to count how many people are having issues with other people who will be in that room... how many individual relationships there are in a room full of 10 people who have all known each other for years and how many negative relationships does it take before someone is uninvited and how many negative relationships before you call the whole thing off and stop calling yourself a group of friends but more like a group of people who used to be friends... person A still likes people B C and D but B and C don't get along and C and D don't get along and D's new girlfriend doesn't get along with A or B and then there's person E who doesn't get along with anyone but pouts when they're not invited because friends are friends forever, right? right. and when do you give in to the temptation to just hide in your room and let the party go on without you because you just can't handle the socialness of it all the sitting there pretending you're not mad and that you don't know that those two hate each other and maybe pretending is stupid and maybe reality is better maybe we should toast and say "you screwed me over" and "I think she screwed you over" because no one can screw you over better than your friends, right? right. and so they only feeling I really have is exhaustion and I have 12 hours before I can go home but only 1 before my next class and yes I do have stuff to do and yes it might even be productive and so that's what I'll do... I'll go and be productive. and it's true. I do feel like a warrior just for making it through the day sometimes you feel like a fighter cuz you fight to keep the fighting away ~Alix Olson ~me |