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3am. I'm in my bed, I put my head phones on (ani difranco, little plastic castle), turn on the fan, get under the covers, find my bear, and turn off the light. And the cd had barely started when I smelled smoke. The fan brought it in. And I got scared. And it was so dark. So I turned on the light. And turned off the fan. And I got up, and I turned on every light on the way, to go downstairs and look outside. And I got even more scared when I realized that when Rene left (after I went to bed, which isn't unusual.) she went out the back door, not remembering or not caring that that you can't lock that door on the way out, so the door was unlocked. I couldn't see anything outside. I can still smell smoke, though.
And I don't know how to deal with fear. I have a song for every other emotion. I know what to listen to when I'm depressed or angry or in love or annoyed and I even found one that works when I'm grieving, although I had problems with that one. But I don't know how to deal with fear, even though I think that is my most common emotion. In the abstract. I think fear is what causes me to be depressed and angry and anxious, and maybe if I could find a song for it, maybe I could go to sleep. But instead, it's 3:56am, still saturday according to Sarahspeak, which says the day doesn't start until at least 10am. But I called this entry Sunday, I'm not sure why. And I locked the doors, and closed the porch door we never close, and I turned on all the lights and the radio, which seems to be less lonely than a cd, I don't know why. And I turned the computer on, because there is some kind of bizarre companionship that comes from dialing my computer into a world wide web that I can't even begin to understand. And I'm still scared. I don't know why. I need a song. Songs can fix everything, they really can. But I can't really think of any "be brave" songs. "try to be at least as brave as our songs" ...I can't think which ani song that's from right now. Maybe I'm no heroine would work, except that's the song where she admits she isn't all that brave, which is no good, I think. Or maybe it is. Maybe I'll try it. My party is tomorrow. Or today. Or whatever. And I should go to bed. Maybe the smoke is gone by now. Maybe if I knew why it scared me in the first place it wouldn't matter. |