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When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out Til you're torn apart ~from RENT I got a final copy of my transcript today. It was the first thing I'd ever seen that officialy said I'd graduated. It said I graduated with high honors. I think that's probably a good thing. It's now four days and counting until I leave, and I'm not sure it's entirely real to me yet. Although it is apparently real to my stomach, which is still driving me crazy. My mom is lactose intolerant and I thought maybe that could be what's making my stomach so crazy (okay, it's a long shot, but it's possible) so I was going to go through today not eating dairy products and see if I felt better, and then I searched our kitchen and realized that if I can't eat dairy then I might have to start eating meat, because there isn't very much left that I'll eat after you take out all the dairy stuff. I am a very picky eater. I'll try anything vegetarian once, and I'm always trying new foods, it's just that I very rarely like them. Also, I am so impatient with food. If something takes more than ten minutes to fix, especially if I have to be in the kitchen all that time stirring or something, then I rarely eat it. I love uncle ben's black beans and rice, but they take at least 25 minutes, and I can't take it that long. Of course part of that is that I never actually feel like eating. I think if I were never hungry I would only eat pepsi and sometimes chex mix. Oh, and sno-kones. I love sno-kones. :-) Although that isn't always true... sometimes I feel like eating, but not recently. I think that's anxiety too. So I end up waiting as long as I possibly can before I eat, and except for pepsi and sometimes chex mix I usually only eat once I get to the "if I don't eat I'm gonna faint" stage, and then I can't stand by the stove stirring rice for 25 minutes. I've gotten very fond of Rugrats mac&cheese. I bought some once when I was doing the grocery shopping and boxed macoroni and cheese was on the list, and I was gonna get the normal stuff until I realized the Rugrats stuff was the same price, so I got that instead. And then I tried it, and I realized the reason it's the same price is because they put less in the box, and this is a good thing for me because it means that by the time I get around to eating it I'm hungry enough to eat the whole box and I don't have to throw any out. So almost every day it seems like now I'm eating a box of Rugrats macoroni and cheese. It's not as unhealthy as it sounds, really. Noodles are good for you, and with the powder cheese stuff almost all the fat comes from what you add, the butter and milk, but I skip the butter cuz I can't taste it, and I use skim milk because that's all we ever have, so it really isn't much fat at all. And I can make it really quick. I use hot water from the faucet and it only takes a minute to boil, and then I put the noodles in and boil it just short of boiling over, and the noodles are ready in around five minutes. Then you just stir in some stuff, and it's ready. I also eat lots of frozen Rice Pilaf, which is 4 1/2 minutes in the microwave, and lots of snack stuff, crackers and peanut butter, and goldfish crackers, and light natural microwave popcorn cuz the other stuff is too greasy. And when I have a few minutes to wait, I eat frozen pizzas (2 1/2 minute defrost in the microwave, around 10 in the toaster oven.) and tater tots which are as long as I can stand in the toaster oven, cuz I love them extra extra crispy. No, it's not a healthy diet. I once had someone tell me they didn't eat meat but they're not a vegetarian because they eat too much junk food, and I laughed out loud. How in the world did I get on this topic? I think I'd better change it. If anyone out there is looking for a good book to read, read something by Blanche McCrary Boyd. I recommend you do "The Revolution of Little Girls" first, because other wise I don't think you'd really appreciate "Terminal Velocity" which has the same main character... but it's not essential, the way they're written, to read them in order. I'm reading "Terminal Velocity" now, and it's really good. It's about this woman who goes to live on a radical feminist lesbian commune, and it's really funny sometimes. :-) It's also.... sexy. I guess. Okay, so here's one of those secrets I would never tell anybody I knew in real life: before I came out I had a psychiatrist I was talking to once get this really strange smirk on his face and then ask me "Do you ever get horny?" .....and I've never been able to say that word since. ....not that I'd probably say it much anyway. I have definite problems talking about sex. Even online. I think it's cuz my family never talked about sex. I was 10, I think, before I knew the logistics of sex, and then my mom bought me this book called "where do babies come from?" and set it in the toy room for me to read. And she was all surprised that I wasn't curious. (I wasn't- I knew where babies came from. I'm not sure how I knew, but I knew it had something to do with sex, and sex had something to do with rolling around in a bed.... I think I got all that from tv, but I'm not sure.) ...anyway, after that, I don't think the subject of sex came up with my parents until I came out, and then only them saying "don't do it!" So anyway, I have very little experience talking about sex. And that's all. I'm really going to miss my cat when I go away to college. (umm.... those two subjects aren't at all related, btw. My cat just happened to come over and lie down by my feet.) There's a new ani lyric that says something like "the one person who really knows me best, says I'm like a cat, yeah the kind of cat you just can't pick up and put into your lap, no the kind of cat who doesn't mind being held only when it's her idea." ...and that is just like my cat. I think it's somehow comforting to know my cat and Ani DiFranco have the same personality. :-) And that's all, I think, that I'm going to write now. It's 1:36am and I should try to go to bed and go to sleep. Either that or work on packing. Either way, I shouldn't do this anymore. So I won't. |