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Hi. I don't know that I really have much to say, but right now might be my last chance to write in here before I'm at college, and that's a scary thought.... so I figure I'd better write.
I baby-sat today. I had such a great time... the kid doesn't really know I'm going away... I don't think he'd understand. I tried to tell him today. He understands going away- his dad's a truck driver. And I told him I was going to school this weekend, and he said "No, I'm going to school, you be baby, I'll be Sarah." and how do you respond to that? He's only 2 1/2, he won't remember me when he grows up, probably.... maybe he'll forget kinda quick. I should've told him, though. To him, "wisconsin" means going away. Anyone who is away is in Wisconsin, and that's all there is to it. If I'd told him that my school's "kinda like Wisconsin" he would've understood what I meant. I'm more worried about leaving him than anybody else, really. He won't understand. Him and Crackers. The cat right now is on the other side of the living room, sprawled out on the end table right under the lamp. It's warm under there. Usually, she's on the end of the couch under where the floor lamp is, but the floor lamp isn't on right now. Every morning (...or afternoon, depending on the day...) when I wake up, that cat is in my bed, and as soon as I move she's up by my face pushing on my chin with her head, to wake me up so I'll pet her. And I always do. She doesn't let anybody else pet her like that. Sometimes I think she wants my mom to do it, but my mom doesn't understand when Crackers starts biting. Cuz Crackers does bite. But it's mostly because she only likes being petted around her head, and if you start petting her back a lot she'll bite you really lightly so you'll stop, but my mom doesn't get it. She just yells at the cat and won't pet her any more at all. And then she's all surprised when this cat that she just yelled at and threw onto the floor comes after her and bites at her ankles. Crackers never bites hard. I guess my mom just thinks it's the principal of the matter. She came from the humane society... the cat, I mean, not my mom.... and I think all cats who have spent their kittyhood in a cage at the humane society are at least mildly insane. I should know, this cat's my third from there. (I've only had one other... Maria was one of my aunt's cat's kittens....she wasn't nearly as crazy as the others. She was my favorite cat, when I was little. We had two, Maria and Mopey. Mopey came first, and I had him when I was little, before I really understood that cat's don't always want to play, so Mopey kinda became my mom's pet. We got Maria a couple years later, and she was mine from the start. we had those two cats for years and years. Mopey died on his birthday, he was hit by a car. I think it was his 7th birthday, but I'm not sure... It was December 22nd. The year I was depressed. A couple months after he died we got another cat, cuz I was jealous that Maria was spending more time with my mom... that cat was really very crazy, and never seemed to get the hang of the litter box. Maria hated that cat, I think, and she ran away. Or any way, she went outside and didn't come back. I was depressed, it was almost the worst time... I didn't even notice she was gone until my mom told me she'd been gone for over a week. And just a couple weeks later, Auggie, the new cat, did the same thing. I swore I was never getting another cat again, although Auggie and I hadn't had time to bond, really. I still miss Maria and Mopey. And obviously, I got another cat. It was while I was in 9th grade, which was only 4 months, and I was depressed and told my mom I needed a cat... and we went and got Crackers. And she's never been outside. We live in the sticks, most people let their cats out. But Crackers is a house cat. She doesn't mind unless I'm out there where she can see me. ) Wow, that was a long tangent. Anyway. I went to Wal-Mart today after I baby-sat and got some more stuff. a wastebasket, computer disks, floss, index cards, an assignment book, highlighters... y'know. Stuff I always assume we have around, but we won't cuz I won't be around. I am so scared. My parents don't know. that I'm scared, I mean. I think they think I'm really excited. I guess I am a little excited.... but not for the dorm part. I'm excited for the going-back-to-school part. I love school. Y'all probably just read that sentence and said "she what? didn't she quit high school?" ...and that's true. But that was hardly school. That was more like a zoo. Or a jail. I tended to lean towards jail. The thing about high school, is that they didn't teach you anything. It was like this huge sociology experiment- "Put 700 teenagers in a building, impose social rankings (call them grades), order them around, make them do pointless work, make them ask for even the most basic of "privileges" (like using a bathroom.), and see how they react." Anyway, that was not real school. I didn't learn a single thing in my... 4 months of high school. Okay, it would be easy to say I gave up too soon. But my school was a middle/high school. I had been in that building since 6th grade, and they weren't really separated. So I had been around. And maybe I did give up too soon. Maybe the secret purpose of high school is to teach people to deal with being in difficult situations. But I don't really believe that. Besides, I learned how to get out of difficult situations that are threatening my health. Isn't that also an important lesson? I mean, what reason was there for me to stay. Things have obviously worked out just fine. Monday I'll be starting my third year of college. ....if I hadn't left high school, I would be starting my Senior year there. It is very possible that someone I went to Kindergarten with could be starting at the same college a year from now as a 1st year student. And I'll be just a year away from my Bachelors. If you can do that, and have the support and help to do that like I did, why not do it? Because you need to learn to deal with bad situations? That is the most common answer I've gotten- people who think you need to learn to "go with the flow" and get along. Well I don't want to learn. I want to be able to recognize that just because somebody's in charge doesn't mean that they're right, or that it's necessary or even right to listen to them, even if that's what they expect. People keep telling me you have to learn to play their game, but why? What good would it have done me to stay there copying definitions out of the glossary? Or memorizing maps? I boycotted that one... I wouldn't have had any problem studying the map for a day and getting an A on the test where you fill in a blank one, but why? Why memorize a map of Europe and the Middle East when it changes every couple of years, and if I want to know European geography I can just sign onto the internet and get an updated map? Why didn't they just teach me how to find that information when I actually need it? There was no point. I think they probably were doing the best they could in our really underfunded district (...they had things like each teacher can only make so many copies per year because they couldn't afford the paper, and the Global Studies teacher I had didn't even have a room- she had an office in a closet and carried her materials to whatever room was free on this little cart. The classes tended to be around 30 teenagers, none of whom wanted to be there...) but really, their best just wasn't good enough. When I was hospitalized for the second time, I was in this adolescent inpatient ward that served the whole county plus some people from outside of the county if they were from places that didn't have an adolescent ward. It's a huge area. And I was there for a week when there were four people in there- three of them were in my grade at my school. There were only around 100 people in my grade in my school at that time, and 3% of them were on that inpatient ward, when there was only one other person from any place else. So I wasn't the only person who was going crazy there. I don't think there's anyway those things couldn't be causally related. ....I have no idea how I got here. I am going to go to bed, even though it's just after midnight and early for me, cuz I'm trying to turn my schedule around so I can get up for that 9am class on Monday.... |
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