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It's been such a long day. I had my research methods final this afternoon. I think I did pretty good. I am just so tired. It's the kinda tired where I go downstairs to get my laundry and think, "this is a long hallway... I can sleep." and walk down the hallway with my eyes closed until I bump into the wall at the end and have to wake up. I don't know why I'm so tired. I got plenty of sleep last night. I slept from 2am until 11am... that's nine hours. More than I got the whole last two weeks of classes, except for Friday nights.
I am taking so much stuff home tomorrow it's unbelievable. First, the computer's going. That alone is a lot. It's a desktop, it's not at all portable. But I'm going to be home for five weeks, and it would be so easy to break into this room, there is just no way the computer's staying here. I'm leaving the speakers, because there're some old ones there I can use if I have to, and I probably won't even use them that much because there's a cd player in the living room at home. (the computer is my cd player here.) ...I have to take the printer home, though, because there isn't one there and my mom is under the impression we need one. Also I have to print out this obituary for my Gramma. It's really hilarious... I got it a couple weeks ago, I've just been way too busy to do it. The printer's small, though. (Canon BJC-250 - I highly recommend it. It was cheap and it really works.) Anyway, besides the computer, I'm also taking home a trunk (footlocker thingy) filled with clothes and notebooks that aren't coming back, plus three crates filled with stuff that's not coming back (extra towels, clothes I never wear, Christmas presents...) my cd case (it's huge- 60 cds w/ cases because I can't stand the ones that don't keep the individual cd cases. It's only half of my cd collection, but I can live without the other half for five weeks.) Plus a duffle bag filled with clothes that I actually wear on a regular basis that are coming back. Plus two christmas throw pillows that are staying home. My poinsetta plant (or at least the basket it's in, if I decide to throw the plant out.) and the flowers my parents sent me. It goes on and on. You'd think I'm never coming back. At least the TV is staying. Most people I know took their tvs home. Okay, so that was really boring. I'm thinking I should go to bed, but I want to stay up and watch Loveline. (Shhh!! Don't ever tell anyone I told you!) ...I kinda have a (kinda enormous) crush on their assistant. I don't even know her name. She's the one who sits on the couch drinking something out of a coffee mug and looking all concerned. I want to be her. I was so proud of myself today. I went to the Union around 11:30 to grab a bite to eat and study for my final, which I always do. I never have a problem being by myself until I see people I know who aren't by themselves. Then I get embarassed and feel like a complete loser. ("Who goes to the Union by themselves anyway?") and not even opening my eyes and seeing that most of the people there are there by themselves studying will talk me out of it. Today, though, I was checking out with my baked potato when I noticed a whole table of people from my class studying for the same final I was there studying for. Even worse, one of them saw me too. (I am so pathetic.) So I was standing there in line, thinking "I am so pathetic" over and over again and wondering how pathetic it would look if I just walked out with my baked potato or if I should sit down by myself and pretend that I didn't see them... (This is a fairly common occurance in the world of Sarah. Now you know why I have embarassment attacks.) Anyway, somehow, and I don't think I could ever explain how since I don't think I even really know, I got brave. And I went over and sat down with them. And it was okay. I think they all thought somebody else in the group called me. (why would anyone call me?) ...but I think that's what they thought. So I sat down, and we all studied, and I didn't learn a thing because I was too busy trying not to make an idiot out of myself. I am such a loser. But I did really good. I even talked. And, really, I went up to them in the first place. That's an achievement right there. Of course they all thought I was weird. But it was okay anyway. I have a harder time with people who are in my classes (like they were) than with people in my hall. People in my classes, especially that class, are a lot older than me. That class is a major's class (nobody in their right mind who's not a major or minor takes it. I think there's one person in our class who took it who's not a major or minor (minors have to take it too) and he took it because he needed another 300 level class and he thought it would look good. Or something.) but it's a class for political science majors. It's a 300 level class, which means there is only one sophomore in the entire class (He asked one day.) and most of the class are seniors (because it's a really unpopular class that most people put off.) I don't know why it intimidates me that they're older than me. I guess because I feel really naive around them. I mean, really, I am just about the only person under 21 in the entire class. And I'm a lot under 21. I'm 17. I don't even drink. Drinking has a lot to do with it. It's a really common topic of conversation and I just have nothing to say. When the people in my hall ask me to go out with them, I tend to lie and say that I've done it and I don't like it... but that's not true. I've never gone to a club, I've never gone dancing, and I've never gotten drunk. I've never even really drank. (Is "drank" even a word?) The thing that none of them ever believe (never. They never believe it.) is that I have no desire to do those things. I've never been to a club, but I'm sure it involves socializing. Socializing in a public kinda place like that is just too scary. I mean, really, I can barely take the student union- how am I going to survive going to a club? They just don't understand that I am as happy as I could be sitting in my room playing with my computer listening to ani. Or even better, curled up in bed with a book. Is it possible I am the only person on campus who feels that way? I think the problem with us shy people is that we have a hard time meeting because we're too shy to go out looking for other shy people to hang out with. Yes, that did too make sense. Y'know, I've been writing marathon entries lately. A lot of them. I'm just telling myself that that doesn't mean anything bad and I'm still writing. In the past, when I've written a lot, it's always meant bad things were happening in my head. Maybe it means that now too, but I really don't care. Maybe that's proof that that's what it means now. 45 minutes until Loveline. I really am pathetic today. Really, the show Loveline is very dumb. For those of you who've never seen it, it's on MTV late at night, with a warning on in the beginning that the show "contains adult subject matter intended for adults only" or something like that. And then it's an hour of Adam, Dr. Drew, and their assistant (the one who makes me stay up until 12:30 to watch them) answering people's questions about sex. It's an hour long, every night, and they come up with some of the craziest questions. I like it, though. And I would never ever ever admit that to someone I knew in real life. I think I need to learn to drink coffee. It seems to me that drinking coffee is the way shy people bond. Not that I really know. I just know that some of the geeks upstairs go to the coffee shop sometimes for the evening. And being a geek myself, I'd like to join them, but I don't like coffee. I'm thinking I should learn. That's another thing. Whenever I announce to people that I'm a geek, they always come right back with, "No you're not!" like it's a terrible thing and I need to get more self-esteem. It's not, though. I don't mean it that way. My definition of geek is someone who would rather stay in than go out, and who would much rather play on the computer or read than go to a party, and who is more likely to study on a Friday night than anything else. I think my definition is probably very similar to theirs, and when I'm not in the room they probably agree that I'm a geek. I don't understand acting like I'm not when I'm in the room. Another time, I told someone that I'm weird, and she started going crazy on me! She said, "You are not weird! Trust me, I know what weird is, and you are not weird!" ...I think we must have very different definitions of weird, because I most certainly am! Do I need to remind of my list of freak characteristics? I mean, this girl even knew the 17-year-old-junior-geek part and she still didn't think I'm weird. Really. I don't understand the whole concept of liking someone to their face and not liking them behind their back. There's one girl who's in my room all the time complaining about the girl who lives next to her. She goes on and on and on about the number of boyfriends this girl has and the amount of pot she smokes... and later that night she's hanging out in the girl's room watching movies. I don't get it. I think maybe being fake is one of those things they learned in high school that I missed. Those fake hugs also drive me crazy. She'll see someone she saw a half hour ago, scream (one of those high-pitched "EEEE!!!!" girl-screams.) and hug them like she hadn't seen them in years! It drives me crazy, and then it drives me crazy that it drives me crazy. It shouldn't bother me. They always make fun of me for being blunt. Like when someone asks me to use my computer, if I'm using it, I just say, "No." I don't go into some long explanation of why, or maybe later, or "I'm sorry.." I don't feel the need to. Or if someone's in my room and I don't want them there, I have no problem asking them to leave. I don't think that's being rude, I think it's being honest. What good is it to get all mad because someone has been hanging around where you don't want them, if you don't tell them you don't want them there? How are they supposed to know? It doesn't make sense to me. So this is what, 10 pages now? I was pretty close- double spaced, times new roman 12 on Microsoft Word, it's just over 7. Any of you who've made it this far- wow. I'm impressed. I probably wouldn't read this long in someone's journal. Not in one day, anyway. I'll be home for supper tomorrow. I don't think my mom's making anything special. I don't think it matters to me as long as she makes it and I don't have to walk across campus in the cold to go get it. It snowed here last night- that has to be some kind of record for the latest first snowfall. We never even got flakes before. I know the weather is supposed to be warmer here than at home, but it didn't snow at home either. There's one girl who lives upstairs who's from Miami, and she was so excited- she'd never seen snow before, and she flew home this afternoon. She was rooting for it to snow, and I guess she screamed down the hall at 7:30am and then went outside to play in it. I think I should go away to grad school. Like maybe to New York City. Can shy people survive in NYC? Maybe I should visit there before I say I want to move there. Maybe I should decide what I want to study before I decide where to go to grad school. I looked a list of grad school programs at UB the other day and literally 90% of the programs interested me. Everything from Med school to Law school to urban planning to occupational therapy. How does anybody ever pick what they want to do with the rest of their lives? I don't even know what I want to do next week. |