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Hi. So I went for two days without writing in this thingy and it really caught up to me, because now I have a whole lot to say... I went to my cousin Michelle's graduation party today. ...and guess who showed up? my ex-girlfriend.... I think I called her Jo Anne, although I don't know why I bother to change her name. But from now I'm gonna call her J.A., because when we were in 7th grade we had code names for when we wrote notes, so in case we lost one nobody would know who wrote it. Her's was J.A. Millie, and the J.A. stood for Jo Anne.
Anyway. She showed up, because she's gotten to be pretty good friends with michelle since I left, and it was the most bizarre thing seeing her there. I really didn't recognize her at first. I was going out to the car to show April (a different cousin) my Ani Bootleg collection, and she was on her way in, and I just saw this thin girl with black hair on her way in, and I didn't think I knew her. And then I looked closer. I think if she could have, she would have avoided me, but I didn't exactly let her. I showed her my bootleg collection, and told her I don't care that the letter she wrote me has been sitting in her bag. This was, of course, one of the biggest lies I've ever told. I care way too much whether or not she makes some attempt to keep in touch with me. We didn't really talk or anything, it's just so strange seeing her. And I felt so bad when she left, because apparently I don't even rate her saying goodbye anymore... and I am so pathetic, because it's been two and a half years since we were really close, and over a year since she actually told me she was seeing this other guy, and I'm still not over it. And I just can't figure out why. I mean, we've been apart for almost as long as we were together!! Shouldn't that be long enough? It seems like it should. "J.A." and I always used to communicate in song lyrics. We were known to write notes that were just song lyrics written out... at that point, it was usually Sarah McLachlan. But anyway, here they are:
I'm clear focused all around Most of the time I can keep both feet on the ground I can follow the path, I can stay right with it, and the road unwinds I can handle whatever I stumble upon I don't even notice that she's gone Most of the time
Most of the time
Most of the time
Most of the time
Most of the time
-Bob Dylan
How can I improve upon that? That is so it! "and I don't even care if I ever see her again.... most of the time..." and I know I kinda did that before, but I doubt many people actually read more than one entry of this anyway, so it doesn't really matter. btw, you can hear her sing it here if you click on artists and go to her webcast... Ani, that is. Ani DiFranco. She sings it. Not everybody knows that. Yeah. I am just so out of it. I can't understand why it bugged me so much, seeing her there. I think maybe I'm just lonely. The other day, when I asked my mom if she wanted to go with me to Wal-Mart. (Yes, that's all I did- I asked if she wanted to go with me to Wal-Mart) she kinda freaked out on me and yelled that I need to find some people my own age to go to Wal-Mart with. I took that as a no, and was getting ready to leave when she was like, "wait a minute, I'm coming!" but then of course she had to drive, and I ended up wishing I had never asked her. I mean, I was going so I could pick up a present for Michelle and get some driving in. I should have known better, though. I think in the 8months since I've been legally allowed to drive, my mom has let me drive her three times. That's not an exaggeration. We go places together all the time, and even just the little ride from JCC to home she won't let me drive. It makes me so mad, too. I don't know how to take it when she admits that she has less of a problem with me driving by myself than she does riding with me. I mean, it's safer with her riding along. That's the whole concept of a "learner's permit"- you drive a while with someone who knows what they're doing riding along. So I don't understand what my mom's problem is. It feels like she would rather I die pulling out in front of someone than have her there in the car to help me look.
So my mom drove. I got extremely angry at that remark. She acts like I don't know anything, and I was already mad because she acts like I can't drive, and she reminds me over and over to do schoolwork that I would do if she quit bugging me. She just acts like I can't do anything without her pestering me to do it, and I don't even think that's just my imagination. Of Course I know you can be a feminist and still shave. She has never bothered to ask me why I don't shave- she just assumed that's it. Well, there are three reasons I don't shave: 1) I hate the way my legs feel when I've just shaved. They feel all icky and clammy. And I like the way they feel now- all nice and soft. :-) 2) I don't think shaved legs look that much better than un-shaved, and 3) even if they do a little, they sure aren't worth the time and effort it takes to shave them! It's an awful job, and I hate it. It's like an hour twice a week to keep them anywhere near hairless, and even if I practiced up and cut down on how long it takes me, I just don't think it's worth it! And that's where feminism comes in- being feminist has allowed me to realize that there's no reason why I should shave, if I don't want to. So I don't. And that's all there is to it, and I don't understand why it embarasses my mom so much. ugh. as you can see, I am not in a good mood. I should probably quit this, and go do something else. But I don't really feel like it. ^' '^ My graduation party is in August, and I have no one to invite except family. There's like not one single friend I really think would come. ...I kinda gave "j.a." an invitation when I saw her today, but I think she threw it out. Because she didn't have any pockets and she wasn't carrying it. It doesn't really matter, because I'm planning on sending one to her house. I want to make sure her mom, the one who said I was a "bad influence" knows that I am now three years ahead of her daughter in school... it's the sorta thing I really thing would count to her mom.... although her dad was really the one that said I was the "bad influence"- but they both believed it, so it really doesn't matter. I'm just depressing myself even further by writing this, so I'm just gonna quit. later. ~Sarah |