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Hi. ...so it's been hot here all day, it is now 2am, and I think I smell kinda funny. The really strange thing is I just don't care. Of course that's because it's 2am and I'm planning on taking a shower before I go anywhere, but still. The batteries ran out on my walkman, so it's really quiet in here... I could put something on the stereo, but it seems like by the time it's loud enough for me to hear it, it's loud enough for it to drift upstairs where my mom can hear it, and she tends not to like it. But I'd be safe now, probably- she doesn't wake up much.
I babysat today. It was okay... but by the time that I left the baby (he's not really a baby, he's 2 and a half, I just don't really want to put his name up here) ...anyway, by the time that I left he was really cranky... he hates to go to sleep when his mama's not there, and he fights it and fights it so he's usually still up around 11 or so when she gets home, but today he must have had a short nap or something because he was not in a good mood. And believe me it's easy to tell... I was just sitting there on the couch, watching VH1 with Kim (his 10year old sister... and I don't know why my internal censors let her name get through but not his... I suppose it doesn't matter, since there are a trillion 10 year olds named Kim out there, and who really cares anyway?) anyway, I was watching VH1 with Kim, even though I don't think she's actually allowed to watch it (unless their mom tells me specifically, I pretend not to know these things) and the baby was lying on the floor with his blankie watching too, when all of a sudden he sat up and looked at me and said "Don't talk to me!!!" ...this was very strange, because I hadn't talked to him... I kinda said that and he said "You was!" ...and went and hid behind the chair. I let him be... but he didn't fall asleep. Anyway. My server was down almost all day today... at least from the time I got up (I'll admit it- it was around 1:30pm.) until the time I left to babysit (around 5:50) It was very annoying. I had to content myself with making J-Cards for some of my newer Ani boots, and (gasp!) actually doing non-computer stuff. I'm reading a pretty cool book right now. It's called "Leaving Alva" and I don't feel like getting up or I'd tell you who it's by... but it's about this woman who leaves her husband with nothing in particular in mind and what happens to her.. and every other chapter or so there's these flashbacks to when she was a kid. It's pretty cool. I really haven't been reading enough since I got this computer. But it's so much better than my old one, and it's still kind of a novelty to me to have a computer that actually works most of the time, instead of the old one, where in order to load up a kinda complicated web site (like the TY one, for example) I would have to sign on, go to the website, let the computer work until it crashed, restart the computer, sign on, go to the website, let the computer work until it crashed. Then, usually on the third try, the computer had sometimes loaded in enough information to actually show me the page. It was extremely annoying. BTW I finally got ICQ today... should you feel like paging me, my number is 16021557... and don't be shy, I'm always ready to talk! :-) Computer chat is funny, though... it's like you can find someone who wants to chat, and talk to them as though you're an entirely different person than you really are, and they'll never know the difference. And if you talk like that long enough, it's kind of like you convince yourself that that's really who you are... It's like that thing, "if a tell a lie enough, you start to believe it" or whatever that saying is. It's just a very weird experience to be able to experiment with your identity so easily. And I haven't decided whether it's a good kinda weird or not.... Several years ago, "j.a." and I decided that "weird" means different in a good way, and "strange" means different in a bad way... it was completely arbitrary.. we'd taken to calling each other weird, but then also saying how weird parents can be... and on a particularly bad day I decided I could not be called the same thing my mom was called, so from then on, I was weird, she was strange... and it stuck. And to this day whenever I say "strange" I almost always mean it as an insult, and "weird" as a compliment... so keep that in mind if I ever call you strange. It means I'm mad at you but feeling too passive to do anything about it...
So anyway, I'm gonna put yet another Ani quote in here that I think is important... I remember how it felt two little girls growing out of their training bras this little girl breaks furniture this little girl breaks laws two girls together, just a little less than alone this little girl cried wee wee wee all the way home...
When I was in the hospital, they had this rec room type place where most everything happened, but there was a radio in there we sometimes had on, and this was right when Sheryl Crow's "Strong Enough" had just come out as a single, and I have this very distinct memory of being in that room when that song came on, and having three people all say "i love this song" at the exact same time. And it was so neat, because here we were, a bunch of 13 year olds sitting on the adolescent ward of a psychiatric hospital, listening to a song that says- Tears of rage I cannot fight I'd be the last to help you understand... ...nothing's true and nothing's right So let me be alone tonight 'Cause you can't change the way I am... ...I have a face I cannot show I make the rules up as I go It's try and love me if you can... ...When I've shown you that I just don't care When I'm throwing punches in the air When I'm broken down and I can't stand Will you be man enough to be my man? You know what's really weird? When I start writing these things, I seem to almost always go back. In time that is. And I'm not sure why, because it's not like there's not stuff happening right now. I mean, in the past year I've gotten my GED, my driver's license, and a great scholarship, and in a month and a half I'll officially be a college graduate (with an associate's degree) and I'll be off to live in a dorm while I finish my four year degree... and there's some very big issues hidden behind all those milestones, and it's kinda weird that I never seem to feel the need to write about them. And I don't know why that is. And I can't seem to come up with a logical conclusion to finish that thought, so I'm just gonna go. ~Sarah |