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I've been here a month today. It doesn't seem near that long. I went home over the weekend and it was kind of strange. My bed didn't feel like my bed anymore... it felt really huge and really flat. And besides my parents, people were kinda weird around me.
I went to visit the family I baby-sat for... in case you haven't been following this journal, I've baby-sat for them for the past two years, since the baby was 6 months and he's almost three now. They got the most adorable puppy- a cocker spaniel, my favorite. And the baby got a big-boy bed he had to show me. It was covered with toys and he just about got lost in there. .....and their mom told me she'd just been diagnosed with breast cancer. What do you say when someone tells you something like that? I just stood there feeling really stupid wondering what stage it is because facts make me feel better... I can deal with facts. I guess she's going this thursday to talk with a surgeon, and they don't really know much yet. You know people always say cancer is so widespread... I never really believed them. But it was just a couple months ago that our closest family friend died from ovarian cancer... it had been less than a month since she was diagnosed. (...it's in the archives. I think the second entry I ever wrote. Called "surviving" or something like that.) ...my mom is older than both of them. I really don't know what else to say. I don't have any song lyrics to quote.... there are songs about your own mother dying... nobody ever sings about somebody else's mother dying. I don't even know that I necessarily have the right to feel as upset as I do. I do know that I shouldn't be doing this.... I should be reading about social research methods or studying spanish or calculus or something like that. I should do the laundry and go to the atm machine and move money around. I should have gone to class. And I definitely shouldn't be doing this. |