breathless (6/99)
I searched all my life
for that purity I heard so much about
I looked everywhere I could
I wanted that kind of love
that took every breath from my body
and filled my lungs with anticipation
for the next kiss
I yearned for that feelings of floating on a cloud
as I was swept off my feet
I waited so patiently for the chance to be taken away
I desired so much to find that one person who could
who could make me so complete
who would complement me so well
I waited and wanted and yearned for so long
and the mere possibility of having a glimpse of that love
has taken my breath away
and left me breathless
the wind has swept me away
and we are floating together
your strong wings are taking me higher and higher
than I have ever been
and I keep looking down
waiting to fall
but we continue upward
your love has swept me off my feet
you have taken my breath away
so much so
that I am
breathless
without you....
certainty (8/4/99)
i certainly believe
that one day you will come
out of this silence
and shadows
that have concealed you
from my eyes
i certainly believe that you
will be the savior of my own
bleeding soul
and that you are the mere
image of my desires
i would say with half certainty
that i believe this
and i am willing to bet
half of my savings on it
and i am also certain
that there is nothing in that account
to wager
for i need every penny
so i can say with a degree of certainty
that i am certain i have gambled it all
and i pray
that
i have
not
lost...
esteem (8/2/99)
you can do better
i can't afford that
why do eat that
why won't you do this
you can do better
can't you be perfect?
no, i can't
why won't you try?
i can't
i can only be who i am
that is not good enough
you can do better
why didn't you hear me
why didn't you answer
can't you be perfect
i wanted to be
but i am not
but you can do better
why don't you?
i can't, i tried, it didn't work
i can only be who i am
and i am not perfect
you can do better
you're just not trying
i am trying
i am tired of living for you
i am living for you
to give you opportunities
why can't you accept that?
you have not given me opportunities
you gave me tears
i can only be who i am
your best is not good enough
you can do better
grown accustom (6/99)
i've grown accustom to your voice
and to your breath on my back at midnight
i've come to revel in your arms
and i cannot escape your sweet scent
the delicate mix of sensuousness and masochism
that makes you mine
i've become too used to having you in my bed
and in my life
you're a part of me now
a fixture in my day
that ever crucial piece
that holds everything together
and helps me to make sense of the chaos
i've grown accustom to having you here
so why, no matter what i have said
did you have to leave
and where were you going so damn fast...
in the forest (6/99)
raging inferno
eating all in the path it travels
devouring its victims, the chosen ones
the gullible fragile ones
one by one
two by two
three by three
the fallen number increasing
while it's licking the sky
as it falls upon the next row of pines
minding their own business
the forest is disappearing piece by piece
it leaves destruction and devastation
death looms near where life once was
as dawn approaches it sets it's sights on the road ahead
drinking the life out of everything it touches
the smoke fills the sky
and no one can see anymore
to think
all could have been avoided
with the ideals of society
but society has failed us
once more...
killing me (7/17/99)
a little part of me died
when you said goodbye
you're killing me slowly
you took me for a fool
and left me to cry
you're killing me softly
why didn't i see it
why couldn't i
i let myself fall so hard and so fast
i am out of breath
and you're killing me slowly
with every beat of my
dying heart
mind games (6/99)
what makes you so special
that i should play with you
why should i waste my time
with your foolish hurtful games
you use people
you get away with it
because people know no different
but
i am different
i can see through your tricks
your double talk
and your lies
i see and understand
your motives
and i can play along
and know when to stop
but the baby is coming
and she will not be able to play
your games
she will not understand what to say
to avoid your hand
moreover she should not have to learn
so I am leaving you
goodbye...
the only one (6/25/99)
i am the only one
of my kind
and i really can't say that i mind
but it does get rather lonely
when you are the only one of your kind
so pure, probably the oldest one
waiting to feel the power of love
a love so strong
it will carry me to my nirvana
on a star dusted pathway
i don't know what it is like
i've never had any
how do you describe to chocolate
to someone who has never smelled its sweetness
or allowed it to melt on her tongue
are there words
for i am the only one
reflections (6/99)
looking in the mirror
i do not know who i see
i do not know who i am
i cannot see beyond the reflection of my face
my mind refuses to look beyond my scars
these reflections burn my soul
they shape my past and determine my future
and i cannot escape them
nor can i out run them
they go too fast
and i am but a servant to my pain
skin deep (6/25/99)
this anger is not new to my soul
it is nothing i have not experienced a thousand times
you have said nothing that has not been said
it isn't that i do not see myself in the mirror for who i am
i do not pretend that i do not look different from everyone else
i have not denied the fact that my body is not perfection
nor have i attempted to tell you otherwise
so why say such vicious things
why point out the difference in such a vulgar way
why is so damn important that i know the difference
why must you be the one to tell me, "Hey you're fat"
like i have not noticed
as if i have not tried to change it a million times
and wished so much that it would disappear
and cried in the morning when it hadn't
i fail to see the reason in making me hurt more than i do
nor am i able to comprehend why it matters
perhaps someone somewhere someday will tell me
because i have so desperately wished the answer
you all think it is so damn easy to change
like you buy a hair color and twenty minutes later you're blond
well it does not work that way
when all of society makes us believe that I cannot be beautiful
that i am not beautiful nor pretty
society strikes again
and we all pay the price
well i am saying no
i will not go on believing that i am worthless
i refuse to disappear quietly into the shadows of ideals
because the ideals are wrong
not i
you should not judge on skin color or handicap or religion
nor should a person be judged on physique
my outward appearance is only skin deep
there is so much more to me than what you see
i have dreams, and hopes
and i can see what so many cannot
my ideas are not any less important to you
than yours are to me
so let us get past this ideal
that only one is good,
and that i am not that
for i do not believe this
because that is only as deep as my skin
and i have muscles and bones as well...
sweet dreams (6/99)
you dance in my dreams
daydreams and night dreams
visions and images of my past love
and the future to come
you rescued me from my nightmares
you took me away from my pain
and the heartache of a loveless life
my life is filled with joy now
and will forever be mine
I have never been myself
I never could be
I was trying too hard
to be whatever everyone else wanted
I do not have to try now
I found myself in you
your kisses give me the strength I need
to live for myself
and now I live for us
we have just begun our life together
it is so promising
I can see us growing old side by side
children and grandchildren
rocking in a chair on our porch
surrounded by the love of our lives
this is what I see
when I close my eyes
and it is the sweetest dream
one could ever have
thank you, so very much
thepledge (6/99)
you promised
to always love me
we stood under flowers and your god
and said we would be together
til death do us part
that's what you said
that's what you promised
in sickness and health
in poverty and wealth
then you placed the ring on my finger
and I on yours
then you pressed your lips to mine
and everything stopped
and we were alone in the world
we danced in the spotlight
and we made love that night
for the first time
what I cannot understand
what troubles me so
is that pledge of love and life
why did you lie?
why didn't you mean it
when you said forever
why would you promise
something so important
if you had no intention
of keeping true
to the pledge...
i did
thequeen (7/17/99)
i know you
not every piece of you
but i know your games
your kind of sweet torture
the inferno of rage
and confusion
sweat dripping down
to sizzle on the burning pavement
below
i know your kind of lies
the ones you play
where every moment
is spent wondering
and every second
is spent second guessing the last
i know your strategy now
i know
and it is not too late
i have but one thing to say
checkmate...
thoughts (7/17/99)
i long for a peace
in my soul
for everyone to be equal
and judged solely on their character
not on the color of their skin
or number of their pounds
where everyone is free
and all are educated and nourished
where no one is better than the next
a world where all
know happiness
and pain is forgotten
surly this
would be nirvana
time (6/99)
it flies too fast for anyone to notice
what a lack of it we have
all the going to's never will
and all the should have's are sentiments too late
the time to act is now
the clock is relentless
and seals our fate within it's grasp
there is so little of it
and it can never be put off
if you're going to, do it
if you should have, do it anyway
there is no way to win the war
but every battle
every moment
gained is one without regrets
and regrets are what kill you
if you have not lived...
the trail (6/99)
here he lies
on scented cement
his end nearing
never having seen the face of darkness
hiding in the background
waiting for the perfect moment
he knows not why his death has come so prematurely
he recounts his last few days
searching for a clue
to the doom which lies ahead...
untitled (7/17/99)
roses are red and violets are blue
is an old fairy tale
that seldom comes true
visions (6/99)
they come to me from the dark recesses of my mind
images so vivid and horrifying i open my eyes to escape them
i do not know the exact causation of these images
nor do i care to probe into the place they originate from
it is to say
that i don't care to know where they come from
i have never had visions or illusions like these before
but it is becoming painstakingly clear
that they will not cease
i can no more explain why they occur
than describe them in exact detail
i have had several occur
the most horrific and clear was the woman
i have no idea how old she was
only to say that she was old enough to have pain in her eyes
while blood dripped out of her mouth
and her stringy blond hair falling around her
this was the most horrific
the other one i can describe well enough to understand
was the boy
he had dusty blond hair, which was short enough, but not too
he came to me just weeks ago
eyes drooping with a sadden look
so much so that i cried at the image of him
what sadness must he have seen
other pictures come to me
whether they are illusions or delusions
i know not
i am only able to tell of them
as i see them almost everyday
in the recesses of my mind
waiting to receive (8/2/99)
poised
waiting
puckered
anticipating
never having been kissed before
i'm waiting to receive
your sweet kisses
sitting here
imagining the moisture of your mouth
the soft touch of your lips on mine
i can only imagine what it will feel like
wondering when it will happen
thinking of the look in your eyes
right before it happens
hoping it will be the same in mine
my lips are puckered
anticipating the moment
my body poised
waiting to receive my first taste of love
wouldn't trade (6/99)
I believe that
everything that has happened to me
has made me who I am
and everything that will happen
will make who I become
all the pain and all the tears
all the joy and smiles
have created the person I see in the mirror
I have problems
I hurt
but everything has affected me
and given me strength
and I wouldn't trade that
for anything in the world
