LATE BREAKING NEWS...........UPDATED AS IT HAPPENS.........THIS JUST IN......12/23/98.......MAYOR TORPEDO AND JOE SCHMOE RETURN.......12/22/98......MAD DOCTOR CONFESSES....12/21/98........TORPEDO JOE KILLED IN SHOOTOUT......12/14/98.......ANGRY FLORIDA WOMAN FIGHTS BACK...........CLONES AND OFFSPRING COMPLICATE CASE .......12/11/98......NEW E-MAIL DISCOVERED...........MAYOR, FUNDS DISAPPEAR..........12/09/98........NEW "CONFIRMED" SIGHTING, REAL OR HOAX ? .........12/04/98.........COOP & FOWL DETECTIVE AGENCY JOINS INVESTIGATION..........JOE SCHMOE, AN ALIEN CHICKEN ?......... 11/25/98.........POLICE RELEASE AUDIO TAPES............WORLD WIDE ALERT ISSUED.........11/24/98......COVER UP....OR.... CONSPIRACY?...........11/21/98..........CONFIRMED SIGHTING OF JOE SCHMOE..........MAYOR TORPEDO JOE DENIES INVOLVEMENT...............EXISITANCE OF E-MAIL CONFIRMED BY AUTHORITIES
MAYOR TORPEDO AND JOE SCHMOE RETURN
12/23/98
Late Tuesday evening, Mayor Torpedo and Joe Schmoe returned to Schmoeville. The pair had just returned from Honduras South America, where they were involved in a humanitarian mission. Since they had no access to television or radio broadcasts, they were totally unaware of the events which unfolded in their hometown. When asked to comment on the recent scandal, Mayor Torpedo responded,
"Huh?"
The Mayor will be debriefed on all the events, and is expected to release a statement after the holiday. The only other statement the Mayor had was,
We're glad to be home, and look forward to a nice quiet holiday. Joe Schmoe and I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year "
KFCTV News Cameras were at the airport to cover the joyfull homecoming, and heroes welcome.
KFCTV NEWS CAM
MAD DOCTOR CONFESSES
12/22/98
After hours of interrogation, the mad scientist, Dr Frankenchicken confessed to Scotland Yard investigators. He alone was responsible for cloning of Joe Schmoe, and the evil plot which followed. The doctor also confessed that he also cloned Mayor Torpedo Joe. The doctor would not give any details as to the motives for his actions. Schmoeville police stated the confession would explain why they found only a sticky gooey substance in the motel room. Apparently once the clones are destroyed, they revert back to their most basic form. Authorities are still baffled by one fact in the case. If the Mayor and Joe Schmoe were actually clones, where are the real Mayor Torpedo Joe and Joe Schmoe? Police have intensified their seaerch for the missing pair.
MAYOR TORPEDO KILLED IN SHOOTOUT WITH POLICE
12/21/98
After eluding police for a week, Torpedo Joe was spotted in a sleezy motel near Rutherford New Jersey. Acting on an anonymous tip, police surrounded the motel late Sunday evening. A police negotiator attemped to lure Torpedo out of the motel and urged him to surrender. Several automatic rifle shots were fired from the room, nearly wounding several officers. Police then open fired on the fugitive, fatally wounding him. When police entered the room however, The former Mayor was no where to be found. Police said clothes worn by Torpedo Joe were found on the floor, amid a pile of what police described as "A Sticky Gooey substance". Police are baffled, since they had the building surrounded, and it was impossible for the fugitive to escape. Police stated the former Dancing Chickens' pal was the mastermind of the entire scheme. Schmoeville police also have hard evidence that it was Torpedo Joe that funded the mad doctor in Europe that cloned Joe Schmoe. Authorities have a few details to wind up, but stated the Schmoe case is now closed.
ANGRY FLORIDA WOMAN FIGHTS BACK
12/14/98
The Florida woman who was falsely accused of harboring Joe Schmoe, and who was the victim of illegal picture taking, issued a statement late Monday Night. The statement was received through an associate of hers, known only as "Golden Swampboy". This is the entire message as it was received by Schmoeville Police.
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: This is to inform Y'ALL ( that covers anybody that has ever uttered the words "dancing chicken" in any language) : This is Golden Swampboy, an ass-cociate of MS. SWAMPWOMAN ( who is at the present time, stomping around out in the backyard drinking 'n cussin' all chickens-cloned or otherwise) I wish to say I am the driver of the notorious boat in which there was an ILLEGAL PICTURE TAKEN OF WHAT APPEARS to be the missing dancing chicken" JOE SCHMOE" IT is in fact one of Joe's actual 14 chicks that were sired by HIMSELF last summer when he first started on his rampage!!! Swampwoman wishes to announce that she is starting the "DANCING CHICKEN OFFSPRING" SKI SHOW In beyootiful SWAMPLAND (or in swampwoman's own words): Hyar I am a pore ole' widder woman set upon by a dang dancin' chickin 'n lef in a cottenpickin' mes lak this 'n hyar's thet &^%$+@# BuBBa a runnin' his mouth bout me harberi'n thet dang stoopid lookin' chickin' I tell yall one thing If'n he'd bin hyar he wooduv been hangin' on my close line wit his neck wrung out lak a dirty dishrag) She went back out 'n started drinking something called "stumpwater" but after awhile she calmed down 'n said: Golden Swampboy them bunch a hillbillys 'n yankees up thar 'r tryin' my patience ta th' bone LOOK H'Yar BOY they dun throwed us sum peenuts wal les us make PEENUTBUTTER!! SO There you have it folks !!! what was a criminal act against swampwoman turned out to be a NEW FLORIDA TOURIST Attraction THE DANCING CHICKEN OFFSPRING SKI SHOW!!! Y'ALL COME!!! LUV Swampwoman 'N Golden Swampboy (our motto: You aint done the HANKY PANKY til ya' dun it with a CHICKIN!!!)
CLONES AND OFFSPRING COMPLICATE CASE
12/14/98
In yet another bizzare turn of events, it was learned that in addition to the countless number of clones made of the dancing chicken, Joe Schmoe may have also fathered, up to 100 dancing chickens. This has made it very difficult for authiorities to determine which sightings are real, clones or offspring. Police claim that most reported sightings of Joe Schmoe were actually clones of the alleged felon. A scientist in Europe has been linked to the cloning, and is being questioned by Scotland Yard. One fact Schmoeville police are certain about, is the Florida sightings. Thanks to a new testing device developed by the Coop & Fowl Detective Agency, the Florida chickens were found to be Schmoe offspring. The test, which the agency claims to be 100% accurate, is now being used by local law enforcement agencies across the country.
MAYOR, FUNDS DISAPPEAR
12/11/98
Schomeville police have just discovered that over Three Million Schmoes (Schmoes are the equivelent of U.S Dollars) are missing from the Schmoeville treasury. The discovery was made after an audit by an independant accounting firm. There are no records of where this money went, other than the initials Dr F. on the accounting debit sheet. When authorities tried to question the Mayor about the funds, it was discovered that the Mayor had also mysteriously disappeared. Authorities have issued a warrant for the arrest of Mayor Torpedo Joe. Anyone with information on the whereabouts of Torpedo Joe are urged to contact Schmoeville Police at:
PoliceChief@schmoeville.net
NEW E-MAIL DISCOVERED
12/11/98
Authorities in Schmoeville have uncovered yet another E-Mail from Joe Schmoe to the Mayor Torpedo.
"Startling new evidence that could close the case soon".
That, according to an anonymous Schmoeville police spokesperson.
View the E-Mail Here
NEW "CONFIRMED" SIGHTING
12/09/98
A couple, known only as "BuBBa~N~Wannita", claim to have proof of another confirmed sighting of Joe Schmoe. Swampwoman, from Ocala Florida claims BuBBa and his cousin Emma played an intricate role in the Schmoe case. In response to allegations of thier involvement, the couple provided a picture of Joe Schmoe, water Skiing in Ocala Florida. Claiming that Swampwoman is hiding the alleged criminal. Authorities are considering this a "confirmed" sighting, since the intregrity of the picture can't be established at this time. Authorities suspect both parties are involved, and have not ruled out the possibility of a hoax, to throw authorities off track.
See the pictures and related story
COOP & FOWL DETECTIVE AGENCY JOINS INVESTIGATION
12/04/98
An anonymous individual has enlisted the aid of the Coop & Fowl Detective agency in the Schmoe investigation. An investigator for the agency, code named Shirley~U~Jest, has been on the trail of the wanted criminal. The detective has checked reported sightings of Joe Schmoe and has filed several reports. Authorities will not confirm or deny the accuracy of these reports. However, officials did say that the agency is a legitamite organization, with "highly respectable credentials".
View the Agency's Findings
JOE SCHMOE, ALIEN CHICKEN?
12/04/98
A admitted alien chicken, known only as BanannaG, claims Joe Schmoe is an alien chicken from the planet Gooblark. The individual claims that they met Joe Schmoe on this planet several years ago. Authorities are checking with several Government agencies, to determine the exact location of this planet, and to see if indeed it does exist. If the story is confirmed, authorities said it could explain the chickens' strange behavior. In a related story, the Schmoeville Tabloid, The Schmoeville Inquirer, (available at all supermarket check-out stands) also reported Joe Schmoe was an alien Chicken. The authenticity of the story and accompanying photos have not been verified.
Police Release Audio Tapes
11/25/98
Police have just released the audio tapes of Mayor Torpedo Joe in a secret meeting with his associates. Police concluded that the tapes indicate "some sort" of criminal activity is being discussed.
Listen to Audio Tapes
World Wide Web Alert Issued
11/25/98
Officials in Sweeden announced today, several unconfirmed Joe Schmoe sightings have been reported. Calls from all over the country have been pouring in since the news of the fowl chicken was made public. Sweedish officials reported a girl, known only as "Jenny" may have befriended the chicken. Records show that Joe Schmoe met "Jenny" on the internet months ago. Further evidence that fueled speculation that Joe Schmoe may be seeking political assylum in Sweeden. Although there has been no official word from the government. Anonymous government sources stated "The government would take this matter under consideration. If sufficient evidence is presented, the application may be granted."
Cover up....or....Conspiracy
11/24/98
Schmoeville police are now certain of Mayor Torpedo Joe's involment in the Schmoe case. Officials will not say exactly how the Mayor is involved, or to what extent. Authorities claim to have damaging evidence against Torpedo. Audio tapes of his conversations with, Joe Schmoe, and other unnamed associates. Police would not disclose the contents, or the nature of the conversations. A Police spokesperson had only this comment
These tapes are being studied and analyzed by a team of police experts. Other evidence recently discovered included betting slips, number games, and a black blood stained glove...oops wrong file, there was no glove. Investigators are currently interveiwing Mayor Torpedo Joe.
"Confirmed Sighting" Verified
11/21/98
Authorities in Schmoeville have confirmed the latest reported sighting of Joe Schmoe. Late Saturday night, a couple from Neodesha Kansas claimed a confirmed sighting of the alleged chicken. Investigators worked feverishly to verify the claim. After extensive research, the report was deemed a "confirmed sighting", according to a source close to the investigation.
View the Report Here
New E-Mail Discovered
11/21/98
Authorities have just confirmed the exisitance of a recently sent E-Mail from Joe Schmoe. According to police sources, the wanted criminal had been communicating with the Mayor as recently as Friday November 20th. Police would not disclose the source of the tip, or how it was received. Acting on this information, authorities sprung into action. All communications at the Mayors home were monitored. Police detected strange coded messages being transmitted via the internet, into the Mayors home. Armed with a search warrant, police raided the home. Although this new E-Mail was the only one found, authorities are now convinced that Torpedo Joe has received numerous such letters, since the massive "Chicken Hunt" began.
Message From:
J_Shmoe@webtv.net
Date: Sun, Nov 22, 1998, 7:07am
To: torpedojoe@webtv.net
Subject: KAnSaS
HI ToPEdO,
ThIS iS JOe ScHmOE. YeAH i wAs iN KaNSAs. i tHoUGht BubBA & WaNNiTa WeRE aRE frIEndS. i OnLY gO tHeRRe FoR HaLP aND THeYS gIvE mE cOrN tHaT MaKe mE SiCK! bUtt tHAt OkAy, ThEY nO KnOW i'M iNnOCenT yEt.
i ThINk I SaW uFO tHeRe! oR MaYBe tHaT wAs BuBBa! ThEre'S sOMeThiNg FiSHY GOin' On. i No dO aNy Of tHOsE tHIngS tHeY SaY. BuTI HaVE iDeeR. yOU sEE, i FoUNd ouT ThAT.........HEy DoN'T dO ThAt! i GoT To gO nOW, sOMe LaDY tRy To bOnK me On heAD. i wRiTe BaCK sOOn.
YoU PaL,
jOe SChmOe
Mayor Torpedo Denies Involvement
11/21/98
Investigators in the Schmoe case, are now looking into information of Mayor Torpedo Joe's involvement in the case. A police spokesman released a press statement earlier today:
"We have new information which indicates Mayor Torpedo Joe may be somehow involved with the Schmoe case. This information is still under investigation, and we can not release anymore details at this time. However, Mayor Torpedo has agreed to give investigators his full cooperation in the matter."
Mayor Torpedo Joe wasn't available for comment. But did release his own press release shortly after the announcement:
"The accusations that I had anything to do with this, are completely unfounded. And to that end, I will do anything necessary to help this investigation. I, more than anyone, would like to see this matter resolved"
| Back |
