All Chicken
Bulletin
GET THE LATE BREAKING NEWS HERE!
Updated 3:55 pm Dec. 23, 1998
To get the entire story, start with the first reports, at bottom of page.
WANTED
Have you seen this Chicken?
DESCRIPTION
Yellow with red tuft. Stands approximently 18 inches tall. Dances constantly. Last seen wearing a dumb expression
Joe Schmoe is a Wanted Chicken! Therefore, I am
issuing this A.C.B., ( All Chicken Bulletin ). If
you have seen him, do not try to apprehend him! He
is considered "Dumb and Dangerous." Joe Schmoe is
wanted on Felony "Hen House" Invasion charges.
Other charges include Racketeering, Obstruction of
Justice and doing the "wild thing" with Monica
Lewinski. If you see this Chicken, Send a message to our Anonymous Tip Line immediately.
$2,000,000 Reward
For information leading to the arrest and conviction
of this violent criminal. You may remain
anonymous. Any information will be held in strict
confidence.
Send
Your Anonymous Tip Today
Recently Reported Sightings
11-18-98 Chicopee, Ma.
11-19-98 Shickshinny, Pa
11-19-98 Roswell,
Nm.
11-20-98 Temperanceville,
Va
11-20-98 Santa Cruz,
Ca
11-21-98 Neodesha, Ks
11-21-98 St Louis, Mo
11-24-98 Buffalo, Ny
11-25-98 Hennipenn, Ok
11-25-98 Truborg, Sweden
11-28-98 Dadeville, Al
12-09-98 Ocala, Fl
We must warn you, these are unconfirmed reports.
12-09-98 "Confirmed" Sighting
The most recent "confirmed" sighting of Joe Schmoe. Read the details of the story in our Late Breaking News.
11-22-98 Confirmed Sighting
We have checked out this source, and are convinced this is indeed, a confirmed sighting!
TV NEWS CAM SHOTS OF REPORTED SIGHTINGS
Tampa Bay Florida
Anchorage Alaska
Santa Monica California
Tear Stained Letter
Found At Joe Schmoes Coop
DEaR ToPEdO,
YoU R ThE oNLy OnE THat WiLL BeLIeVE Me!! i'M
InNoCEnt! i NO EvEN KNoW WhAT WIlD tHiNg iS. NoW i
MUsT Go AnD PROvE it. DOnT YOu WoRRy TOpEdO, I BE
Ok.
YoU PaL,
jOe ScHMoE
CHICKEN~RIDGE POLICE
PRESS RELEASE
A Chicken, matching Joe Schmoes description, was
seen entering an Upstate New York Hen House. There,
the alleged chicken, held 25 to 30 hens hostage.
After hours of fowl play, the chicken....(alleged
chicken that is) scampered away into the darkness.
Three similar cases have been reported all through
Upstate New York. Officials fear that this fowl
criminal is taking his spree nationwide. If anyone
has information on the whereabouts of Joe Schmoe,
the Dancing Chicken, do not call the local
authorities. They are urged to contact Schmoeville
Mayor Torpedo Joe. This Chicken can be very
dangerous. There's only one man that can bring this fugitive to justice. Contact the Mayor at:
TORPEDO JOES
MOST WANTED
Viewer Responses
These are actual responses we have received from our viewers
"HEY Chicken man why you hiding.. don't worry
Your secret is safe with me.. your in cyberspace..
hey..
but people are looking for you.. dont worry I am not
a narc.. wont rat you out.. :)".......anonymous
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Help!! I was outside using my blower on all my leaves when all of the sudden a yellow chicken with red hair ran by and low and behold he got caught in the wind from the blower and was tossing around in the air like crazy. I was so bewildered that I just froze with the blower blowing away. Suddenly, it dawned on me to turn the dumb thing off !! Well, I was a little too late for when the chicken came down (with a thud) he was feather-less!!! He jumped up, looking out of focus, and ran like hell up the hill and out of sight, with only that red tuft flying around as he beat it off to his next destination. I guess I don't qualify for the reward but if he comes this way again I'll have a trap ready for him.
Jzebell.....Santa Cruz Ca
The name was changed to protect the tipster, currently in the
Chicken Witness Protection Program.
Sorry Mom!!
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I was "winging" my way through Albany, NY to final destination of Wichita, KS. I had to change planes in St. Louis. The plane to Wichita was one of those little 19 seat jobs and there was only one seat left in the back. When I got to the back, I heard this horrible cackling sounding something like "Torbedoyoe Torbedoyoe". The guy next to me said, " Hey, wouldn't be weird if these birds died in an airplane crash." I wrote off this entire incident, but when I read about the missing and presumed innocent Joe Schmoe, I thought this may be helpful.
Kansas is not a good place for chickens!!!
R. Fox.......Cherry Hill Nj
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Hey, I saw Joe, barely escaping wth his life out the back door of the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, NY (birthplace, as you may know, of the now world-famous chicken wings)!.......Karen......Buffalo Ny
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Blue Mountain Arts'
Geeting Card from
Omnipotent1 & Shirley~U~Jest
Things just aren't the same
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Torpedo Joe,
We're sorry to report that we've spotted the chicken. In fact, we spotted him up close. We were driving down one of the dirt country roads so common to Alabama and we hit the chicken. Apparently he was trying to dance and cross the road at the same time. Poor chicken- he now has a gimp leg. He was last seen doing the one-legged chicken dance north heading out of Dadeville, Alabama. See ya Joe!!!
Sam and Ashley in Dadeville
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I am an Alien chicKen from the planet Gooblark. Seriously! It was my home planet and then I got sent here to Earth cause of some stuff yadayadablahblah anywayz, I knew Joe! And, he's now missing? *sniffz* Well I'll help ya find 'em! :) Contact me for details. *a bizarre person* BananaG
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This here is swampwoman frum OCALA,FLA. I'm hear to tell you that jus as shore as I'm a livin' thars a vast right wing conspiracy a goin' on hyar! 'n I no jus who's behine it all.. that dang BuBBa 'n his cuzzin Emma thas who! Dont y'all go thinkin' that sorry chickin' is innocent lak he sez -no sirree he aint! las summer he got inta my chickin coop uv PRIZE winnin' banty chickins(fer you city folk whut dont no whut a banty is well it' s a southern BEYOOTIFUL gamecock small type chickin' fer SHOW) 'n that dang da ncin' chickin' jus ruined my whole flock! 'n hyar I am a pore widder lef with 14 uv th stupidist lookin' good fer nuthin' dancin' chickins!! NOW hyar's the funny part(it aint funy atall ta me ,but thats th way I talk) that dang chickin' got hooked up wit thet cuzzin uv BuBBAs called EMMA ' now the dang dancin' chickin' AND emma has dun showed up at thar place ' I'm a tellin ya shore as ELVIS had black hair' thet thars sumpin' going on hyar ! IM a gonna write ta WASHINGTON 'n have thet RENO woman git one uv them speshull indeependent prosecuters on ta this 'n they'll find that sorry excuse fer a chickin n I hope they castrate him ( lak Mr. Henry Hyde is tryin ta do ta th presIdent) !! wa'll thets all i got ta say. it jus aint rite a tall , i tell ya it aint. luv swampwoman
View the related story
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DISCLAIMER: This is not a real wanted criminal Thus, the reward is also "non-existent". Hey, if I had 2 Million Bucks, would I spend it on finding a dancing chicken? Well....your right, I probably would. But I don't and I won't!
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