Maxim Magazine's Are you a Man or a Wuss. Written by Mark Golin
I thought this was pretty funny and wanted to share it with you. Maxim magazine is great....go get a subscription. This was by far the funniest thing I ever read in one of their issues.
If you'd rather have a steel spike driven through your eye than say the word frappuccino, you've probably got nothing to worry about. But just to be on the safe side, have a look at the following danger signs to see whether our overly civilized world is turning you into an overly sensitive, baby-vegetable-eating, foreign-film-loving you-know-what.
In the South of France, on the wall of a small, isolated cave, archaeologists recently discovered an almost perfectly intact painting dating back to the very time when man first walked the Earth. The picture shows a group of shaggy knuckle-scrapers feasting on the carcass of a dead animal. On the far right, a rival tribe approaches with clubs at the ready. In between the two groups, a single figure stands, arms wide in friendship as if to say, "Can't we all just get along?" Beneath this ancient peacemaker, a single and enigmatic word is hewn into the living rock: Wuss.
This "original wuss" (as evolutionary biologists refer to him) was no doubt gleefully clubbed to death moments later;his descendants, however, are still alive and thriving.
Never has there been an era so wuss-friendly as the one in which we live today. It is a well-behaved society, encouraging men to forget the small part of themselves that loves eating fried pork rinds and answering every question with a sullen shrug. It is a sandpaper society, constantly rubbing up against men and rounding their shoulders with invitations to be more in touch with their female side, more interested in Woody Allen movies. It is a society that views our age-old instincts to howl at the moon as an embarrassing evolutionary oversight. In short, it is a society that wishes we'd just grow up.
Well forget it.
There's nothing wrong with a little sensitivity. After all, what would happen if no one flushed toilets? But men must be ever vigilant that they never entirely succumb. To help you resist the relentless gravitational pull of "the wuss side," the editorial staff of Maxim magazine has put together some early warning signs that danger may be politely tapping at your door. If you recognize yourself in only a few of the following examples, there's still hope. But say the words "Hey...that's me" more than 10 times and...
Good luck.
Man~~~~~>
You Know You're A Wuss When
...You no longer make fun of people less fortunate than you.
...you say "we're pregnant" instead of "she's pregnant."
...you call someone else immature
...you believe you have a food allergy
...you've obviously spent alot of time creating your humorous answering-machine message
...you're never late for anything
...no brunch is complete without a mimosa
...you only get to eat steak on special occasions
...you bite your lower lip on the dance floor when you are really "getting down"
...guys can trust you with their girlfriend...alone...for the weekend...in Europe
...you feel you owe it to the filmmaker to watch the credits
...you fancy yourself a student of human nature
...the only time you see a naked woman is at bachelor parties...and you're married
...you're afraid of wasting a salesman's time
...you can't eat an entire pair of women's underwear
...you give another driver the finger and then pray that the two of you don't hit a red light simultaneously
...you no longer laugh at jokes in front of your wife
...the first thing you always do when you get out of bed is put on a bathrobe
...you buy a car for it's safety rating
...you own a theme calendar
...you brag to your single friends that "this ring is a chick magnet"
...you really think you can make a difference
...you find yourself saying OK more than you say yes or no
...you don't have any friends who aren't married to your wife's friends
...you've got a VACATION HAT!!!
...You get religious every time you get seriously ill
...you think that if Howard Stern only knew you, you'd be great friends
...your T-shirts are wittier than you
...your kid doesn't want to see where you work
...Friday night is whoopee night
...you use a pair of scissors to make the ribbon curl on a gift
...you hope the baby is a girl
...you've used the words soul mates
...you keep a journal and hope that someday someone will read it
...your wife's not home and you still eat at the dining room table
...you know your resting heart rate
...you'll never be happy as long as people are starving
...you can't remember the last time you laughed at a really fat person
...you've never stiffed a waiter for crappy service
...you can't imagine killing anyone under any circumstances
...people who already owe you money want to borrow more...and you give it to them
...you own a passport but have never left the country
...you take your biggest risks on Casual Friday
...your son forgets to tell you about the father-son baseball game
...you'd rather move to another seat in the theatre than tell someone to shut up
...you take no joy in a fart
...the first thing you think about before going anywhere is the "bathroom situation"
...you've never caught a fish
...you can't remember the last time you peed outdoors
...you have a flourishing E-mail life
...you share a dessert
...you collect anything
...you leave a close baseball game in the 8th to avoid traffic
...you don't know anyone who has been in prison
...the only bars you go to have two initials in their name(P.J. Wuss's)
...you're scared of yelling at the neighborhood kids
...you insist on being the thimble in monopoly
...you collect ski-lift tickets on your jacket
...you've never said "blow me" under your breath in front of your boss
...you agonize over greeting-card selections
...a book changes your life
...you use foreign words when an English woed would do just fine
...you apologize before you absolutely have to
...you clip anything from a magazine
...you have to be drunk to express yourself
...you still read the inscriptions in your high school yearbook
...a Scrabble board is your turf
...you can't go hiking without a bag of trail mix
...you never use the mini-bar in your hotel room
...you've got a Big Day tomorrow
...you have an affair with a woman uglier than your wife
...you write letters to he editor
...you've got a pet name for your penis...but your girlfriend doesn't
...you secretly hate your best friend
...you refer to Wednesday as "hump day."
...you ask your wife whether you're fat
...the only time you puke is when you have the flu
...you're the oldest guy in the bar...by 10 years
...you cough dramatically in front of smokers
...you seriously consider getting into stand-up comedy
...you could really go for a chef's salad
...you shun tap water
...you try to maintain a tan
...baking bread is better than therapy...and you should know
...a squirrel crossing the road causes you to swerve rather than speed up
...you wear a bandanna on the weekend
...you return from a trip abroad with a foreign accent
...you return from a trip from Epcot Center with a fogn accent
...you gasp when a figure skater falls
...you're always the first one drunk
...you vote with you heart
...you go on a retreat of any kind
...you find yourself saying "Hey, where did you guys go?"...alot
...you've never ordered a "large"
...you knw all the words to "Dust in the Wind"
...you can see into a neighbor's window...but you don't look
...you arrange the food before you bring it out to your buddies
...locker rooms make you uneasy
...you bring a guitar to a party
...your wife's friends giggle whenever you walk into the room
...you are happy and generally pleasant to be around
...You've made believe that praise is a better goal than money:There's nothing more important in life than having goals. But the wrong ones can leave you so psychologically mangled that it would have been better if you had died a clean death...like getting hit by a garbage truck. Maxim polled the village elders to determine the kind of goals that keep a healthy young swine grunting for sheer joy.
Bad Goal:To have a breakfast nook added to your house
Good Goal:To have three extra inches added to your middle finger
Bad Goal:Learning to take it "one day at a time"
Good Goal:Trying to say "Rectum? Damn near killed him!" at least once every day
Bad Goal:Spending time unraveling the enigma that is "you"
Good Goal:Teaching your inner child to smoke unfiltered cigarettes
Bad Goal:Learning more about the world you live in
Good Goal:Putting a stop to public television once and for all
Bad Goal:Mastering the hammered dulcimer
Good Goal:Buying a jackhammer
Bad Goal:Finally telling your father that you love him
Good Goal:Fathering an elementary-school bully
...Your wife is ceating on you:This is a tough one to suss out, because unlike men, women approach the matter of infidelity with far more subtlety. But don't worry, bro'. Maxim's here to help you uncover the truth...no matter how nasty, sweaty, and video camera-worthy it may be. After talking to some of the world's leading detectives, we've developed this list of sure signs your little lady's getting a pepperoni delivered.
1}She has 30-minute heated conversations with a wrong number
2}The paperboy suddenly stops charging you for delivery
3}Her new tattoo reads: Property of the Dallas Cowboys
4}She hires a gardener...but you live in an apartment
5}You're only allowed to call home from work before 10 am...and then again after 4 pm
6}There's another guy at the dinner table every night of the week
7}One of the suits in your closet is so big that you must have shrunk...and according to the business cards in the breast pocket, your name has changed as well
8}You haven't seen her since just before New Year's Eve
9}She starts conversations with "Bill is much more aggressive in bed than you are"
10}You walk into the bedroom and there's a large naked man moving up and down on top of her
Welcome To Wussville
Wuss Phrases:
"I don't think I'm comfortable With That"
"Is this a good look for me?"
"Red wine gives me a headache"
"Stop that!"
"10 pm already?"
Wuss Habits:
Washing habds after using bathroom
Flossing
Having a real doctor treat your shotgun wound
Paying for things
Stopping at red lights
Reading
Wuss Occupations:
Mime
Assistant anything
Male wet nurse
Old-people's companion
Tollbooth operator
Keebler elf
Wuss Body Part:
Shins
Wuss Activities:
Tidying up
Conversation
Reminiscing
Speed walking
Wuss Drug-Store Items:
Carter's Little Pills
Foot deodorizers
Bandages
Calamine lotion
Wuss Pets:
Anything without scales
Wuss Zodiac Signs:
You have got tobe kidding
Wuss Planet:
Venus
Wuss Destinaions:
Six Flags Over Anywhere
The West Coast<~~~(being from New York this is my personal favorite)
Your backyard
The Spoon Museum
www.wuss.com
Heaven
Wuss Foods:
Soup
Bit-O-Honey
Pita bread
Vegetables(except corn)
Wusses Want To Be Like:
Michael Landon
Richard Dreyfus
Bono/Sting/Yanni
Wusses Wish Someone Would Write a Book Called:
101 Sacred Places That Accept American Express
Life is Really Neat-O: The Allie McBeal Story
Cats are Angels with Tails
The Big Book of Soft Things
Wuss Sounds:
Swish
Owww!
Ping
Tinkle
Shhhh!
Wuss Standard of Measurement:
Metric
Wuss Holidays:
Everything except 4th of July
Wuss Inventions:
Air bags
Scotchguard
Hangers
Medicine
Wuss Worries:
Flies are getting into the house
No one will want to high-five me
the milk's gone bad
Not enough fiber in diet
Death
Wuss Tools:
Tape measure
Hammer(just the claw part)
Wusses Believe In:
Their therapist
The Psychic Hotline
Fortune cookies
Reincarnation
Mankind
Wuss Office Supplies:
"While You Were Out" pads
Staple Remover
Wite-Out
Wuss Words:
Melt
Homesick
Edelweiss
Bittersweet
Slacks
Please
When Wusses are by Themselves, They:
Hum
Wuss Ailments:
Cold hands and feet
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Ennui
When Wusses Die:
No one notices
Their souls go to cooking school
Earth is a better place
Much like anything else(except 8 1/2"x14" legal pads), wusses can and do come in a host of sizes and shapes. And given recent scientific research which has determined that even momentary contact with a wuss can cause prolonged and severe annoyance, it's in every man's self-interest to acquaint himself with the various forms that wusses minimus can assume.
1}Boy George: Do you really want to hurt me...
2}Abel: Big biblical baby
3}Michael Flatley: Lord of the Prance
4}Richard Simmons: Former fat woman
5}Ned Flanders: Wuss-a-diddly-dokily (Bart Simpsons neighbor)
6}Gallagher: Where's our hammer? (watermelon crushing comedian)
7}Arnold Schwazenagger: JUST Kidding, Big guy!!!
Well I hope you got a few kicks out of this..I know I sure did. Sorry for all you wusses out there...but if you took offense to this it just proves your un-manliness..Haahaaahaaa
