ASSORTED JOKES

~~~~~~~

THE HOSPITAL BILL

One day a poor Rabbi was crossing a busy intersection when he was hit by a car.

Due to the extent of his injuries the Ambulance attendants decided to take him to the nearest hospital which was called St. Mary's Hospital.

St. Mary's is a Catholic Hospital, where all the nurses are nuns.

Three weeks went by and the Rabbi fully recovered.

Just before being discharged the Head Nurse, Sister Mary Catherine handed him the bill for his stay.

The Rabbi stared at the bill for awhile shaking his head.

Finally he turned to the nurse and said "Sister, I have no health insurance. I am a very poor Rabbi, my father is a very poor Rabbi, my brother is a very poor Rabbi, my other brother is a poor man, and my sister, well she is a traitor to the family, so we disowned her".

The nurse asked "why is she a traitor to the family?"

The Rabbi replied, "well , she converted to Catholisism and became a nun."

The nun replied, "why, in our religion that is a great honor. It means your sister is married to GOD.

The Rabbi replied:

Well in that case give the bill to my Brother-In-Law.

---

2.

Back when the Volkswagon beetle was just invented a German blond lady was driving home from the dealer in a brand new one when she broke down on the autobahn.

She opened the hood to see what's wrong and to her dismay noticed that there was no engine under the hood.

After a while another VW stopped to help (also with a blond).

The first lady stated she broke down and when she checked the hood discovered why.

Someone stole her engine.

The second lady said "Thats OK, I have a spare in my trunk"

---

3.

A couple just checked into an old hotel when the husband went down to the bar for a drink.

The wife went to bed, was just about to fall asleep when a freight train went by right next to the hotel. The vibration completely shook the bed and knocked the woman off the bed.

She complained to the manager who came to the room to see for himself.

A train came by but nothing happened. The lady said "you must be on the bed to see what happens when the train comes by.

So the manager got onto the bed with the woman.

Just then her husband walked in and seeing the hotel manager in bed with his wife yelled "What are you doing?"

The wife answered, "would you believe we're waiting for a train?"

---

4.

Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news. Which do you want to hear first??

Patient: Tell me the really bad news first.

Doctor: OK, you have cancer.

Patient: OK, what's the not so bad news??

Doctor: You also have alzheimers.

Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer.

---

5.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall.
Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject. The journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians." The journalist is impressed.
"How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks. The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a fuckin wall!!"

---

6.

An orthodox rabbi is studying in his living room, when there is a knock on the door. When he opens the door, it is a policeman, who informs him that the rivers are rising, a flood is expected, and evacuation is recommended.
The rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger."
The policeman shrugs his shoulders and leaves. As the rabbi is watching the rising water getting closer and closer to his house, there is a second knock, this time a State Trooper. The trooper says, "Rabbi, we are evacuating the area as the flood is getting serious and you are in jeopardy."
Again the rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger. I am staying."
Well, the water continues to rise, until the rabbi is forced to stay on the second floor. He hears some yelling and looks up to see two firemen in a rowboat right outside his second floor window. "Rabbi!" one of the firemen calls, "Get in the boat, the rains are not letting up! It's getting serious."
"I am a man of God. He will protect me from danger. I'll stay."
The firemen, fearing for their own safety, row on. As the flood rises, the rabbi is forced to climb out onto his roof, just as a helicopter is flying over. The helicopter drops a rope ladder and a voice calls down, "We're coming to get you, rabbi!"
"No, no.... God will protect me. You go on."
Well, needless to say, the water continues to rise and the rabbi drowns. When he gets to Heaven, he is really upset.
"I must see God," says the rabbi. "Please take me to God."
He is granted an audience with God. "Lord," says the rabbi, "after a lifetime of devotion to you, why would you forsake me in my moment of need?"
God says, "You schmuck, I sent two cops, a rowboat full of firemen, and a helicopter...."

---

7.

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would yea look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, a Protestant Reverend sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that, Darby?", Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. ? 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Darby, look!" ? ? Said Pat removing his cap, "One o' the poor girls musta died ? ! ! !

---

8.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

---

9.

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!

---

10.

A distraught young woman enters a super strict monastery where the rules say you cannot speak at all, except that every ten years, you receive a review and you're allowed to say two words! After ten long years, the young woman is finally called in for her review. The Mother Superior opens her files and says, "Sister Maria, you have put in ten years of hard work and we are very pleased with you. Is there anything you have to say at this point?" She says, "Bed hard." The Mother replies, "We shall see what we can do!" Ten more years go by and the Sister is called in for her review. The mother Superior says, "Sister Maria, we are very pleased with your work here, so far. Is there anything that you want to say at this point?" She says, "Food cold." The Mother replies, "We shall see what we can do!" Another ten years goes by and she is again called for her review. The Mother Superior says, "You have done excellent work here so far. Is there anything you want to say at this point?" She says, "I quit!" The Mother Superior remarks, "I'm not surprised. You've been here thirty years and all you've done is bitch and complain!!!"

---

11.

Did you hear about the karate expert who joined the army?? The first time he saluted someone he killed himself!!!!

---

12.

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says "He had a hat!!"

---

13

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The Co says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

---

14.

Two guys are in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

---

15.

A man and his wife started out in the car after a quarrel. She sat in the back seat and continued to berate him for his faults. In her excitement she pounded on the car door and it flew open. Serveral blocks later one of their neighbors flagged the man down. "Your wife fell out of the car back there, he said. The man looked over at the back seat? "Thank goodness!" he said. "I thought I had lost my hearing.

---

16.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times ... When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. He replied, "I think you're bad luck."

---

17.

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael asks, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "At least wait until he's walking."

---

18.

A guy from Steggles Poultry arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers to the Pope, "Your Emminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken', we'll donate five hundred million dollars to the church." The Pope replies, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord and cannot be changed." "Well," says the Steggles man. "then how about if we donate one billion dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'?" Again, the Pope replies, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord and cannot be changed." The Steggles guy sighs. "Okay," he says. "This is my last offer. If you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken', we'll donate five billion dollars to the church. Call me if you change your mind." And the Steggles man walks away. The following day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come in five billion dollars," he says. "The bad news is we're losing the Tip Top bread account."

---

19.

Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken. Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer is doing. When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks..... "Vots he goink to do?" Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!" The second cries," Bot of us!?!"

---

20.

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do."
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on TV." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, "Penis Van Lesbian."
"'Scuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian," again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it."
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"

"Dick Van Dyke"

---

21.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said 'Who owns the big white horse outside?'
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, 'I do...Why?' The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, 'I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!'
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
? The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, 'Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.' Tonto said, 'Sure, Kemosabe' and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
? ? A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, 'Who owns that big white horse outside?' The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, 'I do, what's wrong with him this time?' The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,... 'Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'.'

---

22.

An elderly man and an elderly woman who met in a senior citizen's center decide to live together in order to consolidate living expenses and have a possible tax benefit.
After finding an apartment they meet to discuss arrangements such as who does the laundry, who uses which car, where they will shop, financial stuff, etc,etc.
Finally the man asks "what about the sex situation"? The woman answers "INFREQUENTLY".
The man pauses for a few seconds and then finally asks, "Is that one word or two"??

---

23.

Once, on a very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew away his fur hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away to the point where he could not catch up with it.

A young ????man, a gentile, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so happy and extremely grateful he gave the man five dollars and put his hand on the man's head and blessed him.

????The young man was very excited from the tip and from the blessing and decided to go to the racetrack and spend his 5 unexpected dollars.
After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.
"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young ????man, "looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1... the longest shot in the field.
Having received the rabbi's blessing and the 5 dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being Top Hat I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire 5 dollars on this horse.
"An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to even show came in first ??by 25 lengths."
????"You must have made a fortune," said the father. "I sure did, but wait, it gets better," replied the son. "On the following race, I looked at the ????program. A horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this ????horse."
"What happened?" asked the excited father. "The horse Stetson won ????and I collected big money." ????"You mean you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father. "No," said the son, "I lost it all on the following race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau' so I bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French and ????it all started with the rabbi's hat. But, the horse broke down and came in last."
"Hat in French is 'Chapeau,' not 'Chateau'. said the father. You ????lost all this money because of your ignorance. Tell me who won the race anyway?"

????"A long shot Japanese horse named 'Yamaka'."

---

24.

A guy walks in with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and the he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building that keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
??The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." So the dog's owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else."
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to his dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
??As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"

---

25.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

---

26.

Unknown perpertrators broke into the restrooms at a police station house and stole ALL the toilets!!!! Detectives are feverously working on the case but at this time say they have nothing to go on!!!!

---

---