Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Dark Horse Comics, Inc.

Based on the television character created by: Joss Whedon

Written by: Andi Watson

Penciled by: Joe Bennett

Inked by: Rick Ketcham

Lettered by: Janice Chiang

Colored by: Guy Major

Transcript by: The Crying Freeman

 As Buffy approaches Sunnydale high school, the intro of the show is displayed:

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is …the Slayer.

Buffy: Hi, guys.

Xander: Hey, Buffy. Twinkie?

Buffy: Xander, that’s gross. So you guys are still set for tonight?

Xander: Sure, hanging at the Bronze sounds cool to me.

Willow: Actually, I dunno. I have this chemistry paper to write and…

Buffy: Willloowwww! C’mon.

Willow: But I don’t want to be a bad influence.

Buffy: What do you mean?

Willow: Y’know, get in the way of your training?

Buffy: You don’t know how scarily similar to Giles you sound. One night of fun isn’t gonna kill anyone.

Xander: Y’know that’s exactly that kind of attitude that got you into such trouble at that frat party.

Buffy: Which frat party?

Xander: Exactly how many frat parties have you been to where you nearly get sacrificed to a lizard demon? Remember that little soiree?

Buffy: How yeah, I’d forgotten about that.

Xander: Springer should do a special: teens and paranormal denial.

Willow: Okay, okay. I’ll go. Y’know me, never one to miss a lizard demon.

Xander: A lizard demon. Now that’s entertainment. We need somethin’ just like that, but less dangerous, for prom night.

Cut to the Bronze Club, the music can be heard from outside. Buffy, Willow and Xander exit and walk home.

Willow: *Hee Hee*

Buffy: Yeah, right.

Xander: *Har Har*

Buffy: *Ahh*, it’s so nice not to be knee deep in graveyard dirt with the stench of decaying yucky stuff in my nostrils.

Xander: You’ve never been in the Bronze’s toilets, huh?

Vampires are coming out of a dark alleys. They spotted the group and approach from behind. They let a *gurgle* sound come out.

Buffy: Was that your stomach?

Xander: I don’t think so.

A vampire grab Buffy from behind. Willow nearly fall on the pavement, while Xander stepped aside from the attacker.

Xander: Buffy! (then runs toward a vampire to punch her) You guys ever wanna try 7-11?

The vampire easily avoid the blow and grab Xander by the shoulder. She throws him against the wall and he lays on the garbage. Buffy grabs the arm around her neck, pull the vampire over her back to slam him against the ground. While he is on the ground she stabs him in the heart with her stiletto heel. As he ashes, another vampire arrive from behind carrying a trash can. Buffy sees him in time and duck when he throws the can at her. The vampire jumps toward her, but she kicks him in the heart before he could land. As the vampire vaporized, Xander’s opponent faces Buffy, taking a martial art attack position.

Buffy: (smiling) Oh brother.

The vampire does a straight kick, but Buffy ducks. Buffy then does a straight kick to the chest and pierce the heart with her heel.

Buffy: Vampire today. All style and substance. (a man wearing chinese robe and hat comes out of the shadows)

San Sui: Hmmm. You will make a worthy opponent.

Buffy: Who are you? (the man turns around and leaves) Chicken!

Willow: (helping Xander to stand up) Xander, are you okay? Anything broken?

Xander: One night of fun’s not gonna kill anyone, *huh*? How about seriously maim?

Buffy: (holding Xander with Willow) What was that creep’s problem?

Willow: Your everyday threatening guy with a straw mat on his head situaton?

Cut to Oz’s house the next night. The group is sitting on the floor in front of a TV. Buffy and Xander are holding video tapes, and the group is trying to figure out what to watch.

Buffy: …We’ll watch "The Truth about Cats and Dogs" first.

Xander: *Blech* How about "Blood Fist Warriors on the Harvest Moon"?

Willow: Didn’t we just watch that live last night?

Xander: Yeah, only in this I don’t get my butt kicked. C’mon. Oz, back me up on that this…chick flick or chock-socky mayhem?

Willow: (to Buffy) Also, shouldn’t you talk to Giles about the "Straw Hat" incident?

Buffy: What’s the hurry? He’ll only make me punch bags in the library for twelve hours straight. Instead, I’m here with you guys.

Oz: I think Jeneane Garafalo is really cute, so…

Willow: You do?

Xander: Who?!

Willow: (taking the tape from Xander’s hands) Well. We’re just gonna have to watch "Harvest Fist Through the Blood Transplant." or whatever.

Buffy: (hitting her head with her video tape) Great.

Xander: Oz, you so need a testosterone transplant.

Xander gets exited n front of the TV, while the rest of the group’s interest is more than low. After a while they all felt asleep, except Xander glued to the screen.

Xander: Are these guys double-jointed?

The next morning Xander is training in a Kung-Fu school.

Master: Are you ladies sleeping or training?! Pair up for sparring. I want to see you all work ‘til you sweat tears. New kid, spar with me. You need a kick in the butt. Did you sign the injury-waiver forms?

Xander: Yes, Sir.

Master: Stand up straight, candy-boy! You’re training to be a warrior not an accountant! A warrior trains like his life depends on it, as though every kick might be his last kick! If you want a mild workout, buy yourself some tights and do aerobics. Here you learn to fight with honor and to die with honor. If you’re attacked by three dirtbags junkies with bottles and knives and you know you’re gonna die, what do you do?

Xander: Ask if they’ll take MasterCard?

Master: (both take a fight position) No, wise guy. You don’t wet your pants, drop to your knees, and blub and whine for mercy, you suburban wuss. This is the real world on the streets, you get attacked and take one of those dirtbags with you. That’s how you become a warrior. Now bow to me and fight!

He kicks Xander in the face. Xander flies into the trophies against the wall.

Master: Someone get this doofus a broom to clear up his mess. On the double!

Cut to Sunnydale high school. The police and an ambulance are here. A yellow line limit the access to the crime scene area. As Buffy arrive, she goes to Giles standing there and watching with Xander and Willow.

Buffy: Who died?

Giles: How did you know there had been a murder?

Buffy: *D’uh*! We’re the school on top of the hellmouth. We have more deaths than fire drills!

Giles: Really, Buffy. This is no time for flippancy. Lloyd Modano, the school karate champion, was found dead on the school ground this morning. It appears he was killed after supervising a lesson yesterday evening.

Buffy: Lloyd? What enemies would he possibly have?

Giles: The bloodsucking kind. The caretaker who found him noticed two marks "like hickeys" on Lloyd’s neck. Not only that, but it seems like he had been in some form of martial fight. He was barefoot and had lesions all over his body. Somewhat like Xander’s face.

Xander: Hey, I didn’t kill anyone. *Uh*, a bookcase fell on me.

Buffy: If you keep on insisting on reaching for the top-shelf material…

Xander: You’re getting our roles all mixed up here. I pun, you fight.

Giles: Yes, but if we could keep our attention on the problems at hand.

Willow: Don’t you think it’s about time you told Giles about the other night, Buffy?

Giles: What other night? (the group is now in the library) Why didn’t you told me about this "Straw Hat" incident sooner?

Buffy: Because I knew you’d be mad that I wasn’t training.

Giles: Buffy, I do not ensure that you train hard for my own sadistic pleasure. As the watcher my responsibility is to have you prepared for situations such as these.

Buffy: Unfortunately, procedure dictates we research straw-hat guy first, bawl at Buffy later? Right?

Giles: Unfortunately, yes.

Buffy: Yesss!

Giles: Now Willow, you scan the ancient Chinese translations. Xander. Consult the Japanese texts. I’ll trawl the general vampire lore, see if it mentions some kind of boxing vampire.

Xander: The sport’s really gone down the tube since that ear-biting incident, *huh*?

Giles: Buffy. Practice basic techniques. A hundred repetitions. You’ve obviously been avoiding the fundamentals.

Buffy: Can’t I just write "I am bad" a hundred times on the black board instead? (dark look from Giles) Yes, sir.

After a while, everybody meets around a table for a debriefing.

Giles: What do we have?

Xander: A big, fat goose egg. I found no boxing vampires.

Buffy: A thoroughly beaten punching bag.

Giles: Willow?

Willow: Nothing obvious. I did keep coming across this "San Sui" guy of the Xiang river. He apparently traveled around, testing his fighting skills against "worthy opponents."

Xander: The Mickey Rourke of China, *huh*?

Willow: What’s grabbed my attention was the fact that he’s rumored to have drunk his opponents’ blood to give himself strength.

Giles: (looking in a book) San Sui… San Sui. Of course, I knew I’d seen that name. The Chinese characters for "San Sui" are mountain and water. As strong as a mountain, as powerful as a river…

Buffy: Sounds tough.

Giles: San Sui of ChangSha near the Xiang river. A travelling vampire who feeds on vanquished foes nicknamed "iron fist" from ringing a huge bell with his bare fists a thousand times at night at a temple in Huan province. Perhaps the inspiration for Lu Zhishen the fraudulent monk character in the classical novel "The Water Margin." If this fellow has been drawn to Sunnydale by the hellmouth, we had better be very careful. A creature this old is extremely deadly. We had best research more thoroughly before attempting to tackle such a monster.

Buffy: No. I should be out there to take him on before he kills again.

Giles: Not until we know more. Forewarned is forearmed.

Xander: (leaving the room) Sorry, guys. Gotta go. There’s somewhere else I’ve gotta be.

Buffy: (running after him) Xander. Wait. I wanna talk to you.

Giles: But, but…

Willow: Xander!

Buffy: (walking aside him outside the school) Xander, hold on.

Xander: I’m kinda in a hurry, Buffy.

Buffy: You never told me what really happened to your eye. Is everything okay?

Xander: Everything is fine. Like I told you a self fell on it.

Buffy: I gotta admit it sounds so unlikely that it could be true. But…if someone’s picking one you, and…

Xander: (stopping and facing Buffy) Buffy! I’m fine. Really I can take care of myself. (Now he’s leaving again, but Buffy is staying there) Besides, isn’t there a big bitey guy you should be worrying about?

Cut to Xander’s garage that evening. Cordelia stopped by and is talking to Xander as he is practicing on a punching bag.

Cordelia: …and, *Ow*, what happened to your eye?

Xander: I’m learning Karate, this place downtown. The Sensei is pretty intense. Okay?

Cordelia: *Pppfff* Why?

Xander: Coz, I’m sick of having my butt kicked all the time.

Cordelia: I heard about the Karate boy buying the farm. But I guess you know all about that, *huh*? Weirdness and disaster are as common to bad hair days to you guys. Anyway, news flash. Isn’t Buffy the resident Kung-Pao expert? She’ll train you.

Xander: I’m trying to avoid being humiliated by people I know.

Cordelia: So’d rather be humiliated by total strangers?

Xander: Exactly! Now step aside, I’ve another lesson tonight.

Cordelia: I have concealer for your eye. It’s just your color!

Xander: Sure, wear make-up to Karate class. And yet, I trying to AVOID being beaten up.

Cordelia: Isn’t this all a little, y’know?

At the Kung-Fu school, the master is giving another lesson to Xander.

Master: When I tell you to fight. Fight! (throws Xander to the ground) Understand candy-boy? (hits him on the chest as he’s on the floor) You’ll learn to die with honor.

Suddenly San Sui jumps through the window into the training room.

San Sui: I challenge the greatest fighter here to test their skills against mine. I promise an honorable death. This province has disappointed me, no man has been close to my equal.

Master: Dude, you will pay for that thousand dollar window, or so help me I’ll be takin’ it in blood.

Xander: Sensei you don’t wanna mess with this guy.

San Sui: (taking off his hat, revealing his demonic face) Then take my blood.

Xander: (running away) Everyone out of here. Now! Go! (hiding in the bathroom) Lock you stupid door. Lock!

San Sui attacks the Sensei. With a kick he easily made him fly through the room.

Master: Okay, man. You got me beat. That’s it, I don’t want no more. Just lemme go, man. I swear I won’t tell the cops *Sniff*

San Sui: You dishonor yourself, your students and your teacher by acting this way.

Master: I don’t wanna die. Just let me go. PLEEAASSE.

Xander: (watching through the key hole) N’ I fell for all that die-like-a-warrior crap. I’ve seen clowns fall off their bikes with more honor.

San Sui killed the Sensei. He now turns to the door behind which Xander is hiding. He tears apart the door.

Buffy: (appearing behind him) Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?

San Sui: AAAH. I had been saving the best ‘til last. Sunnydale’s greatest fighter is a school girl AND the Slayer.

Buffy: That’s a rep I can live with.

Buffy tries to stab San Sui with a stake. He blocks the attacks, and throw her away. Buffy land in a weapon rack, and shatter everything around. Xander comes out of the bathroom and grabs a stick fallen from the rack.

Buffy: (on the floor, to San Sui above her) Ever try breath mints?

Xander stabs San Sui from behind as he was bending on Buffy. He disappear in a cloud of ashes.

Buffy: (trying to protect her face from the ashes) *Ewww*. Gross. Icky Vampy stuff.

Xander: (still holding the stick) *Koff Koff* I’ve gotta cut down to one a week… this vampire habit’s killing me. How’d you know I was here? That thing was pretty much through the door…

Buffy: I called Cordelia after our little non-chat. She told me about the whole Karate deal. I just wanted to talk it over with you.

Xander: Let’s not. Okay?

Buffy: Well, you killed it!

Xander: I’m allowed to be the hero occasionally, right?

Buffy: Yes, well… don’t make a habit of it, Xander. These things are best left to the professionals.

Xander: I tell ya Buff, if I’m gonna fight, you’re gonna have to pun better.

Buffy: *Uh*, okay, what’s a vampire favorite slushie? Type "O" Negative.

Xander: OUCH! Stick with the fighting Buffy!