Chapter Four: Sex and the Long-billed-yellow-bellied-sap-sucker
Leigh Anne’s new quest is to discover the contents of JC’S notebook. On one hand I hope she is successful, I would really like to see what’s in there. On the other hand, my made-up dreams are in there, and Leigh Anne is in more than one. Actually, everybody is in them. Well, I had to make up something! JC was driving me crazy, and sex dreams kept her occupied. How did I know that my inventive pairing of Leigh Anne, Howie and a Long-billed-yellow-bellied-sap-sucker would one day be of so much interest? If Leigh gets her hands on that book things will get real interesting.
Six weeks and counting. JC was only scheduled to be with us for six more. All I had to do to rid myself of my shadow was 1) stay healthy ... so far, so good. 2) stay sane .... so far...
“Hey, Nick!” ...so bad.
“JC!”
“Why do you always yell, Nick? I think you’re tense again.”
“I’m not tense! I’m in the tub!” Nude, in case you want to know.
“Can I come in?”
If I say no, she’ll come in anyway and ask me why I’m “so uptight about my body.” If I say yes, she’ll come in as ask my why I have developed “exhibitionist tendencies.” Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
“Just a minute.” Maybe I could get out of the tub before she busts in. Maybe I can hide behind the shower curtain. Maybe I should check to see if there are any green washcloths.
“What’s taking so long?”
“I’m rinsing my hair.” Well I was! I just didn’t say what hair. Man, this bathroom event was an exercise in deja vue.
“No you’re not. What are you doing? Nick, you know you can tell me anything.” Pervert. “Are you all right?” I knew she would never be satisfied with anything less than sex. So ...
“I’m masturbating.” That should hold her.
“JUST masturbating?” It took a lot to impress that girl.
“Well ... I have my rubber duckie.” I didn’t. I hadn’t had a rubber duckie since the exploding one AJ gave me. More deja vue!
“So?”
“He’s sort of involved.”
“Oh.” She didn’t sound interested, which meant she was about to make an entrance.
“And a burrito.”
“A burrito?” Let her figure it out. “Did you say a burrito?”
“And one of Brian’s Chihuahuas.”
Most severe sexual references stop her cold for at least six or seven minutes. Not this time. She barreled through that door like it was butter under Florida sunshine.
“REALLY?”
Well, no. Not really. What I was really doing was washing my hair. The hair on my head, you freaks.
Jannette looked excited, then anxious (Maybe she thought I was hiding my paraphernalia under the bubbles. Except there weren’t any bubbles.), then disappointed. Then pissed.
“YOU LIED TO ME!’ Really pissed.
“I’m sorry.” Time to look young and sad.
“Nick, why would you do that?”
“So you would keep your happy ass out of my bathroom.” Oh, dear. I’m suppose to get things off my chest with the guys, not my shrink.
“I ... see.” Very, very pissed. “Well. Why don’t I just leave you alone to finish your bath?”
“That would be nice.”
“Yes. It would.” Well then leave, damn it! “When you’re done, were going to have a talk.” Oh, shit. “A long talk.” God save me. “About what else you might have been lying to be about.” Nothing! I swear! Kevin really did have a stuffed kumquat he was so veeeerrrrryyyy fond of !
Fine. I’ll finish my bath. All by myself. Then I’ll get dressed. Then I’ll take my tummy medicine. For some reason it was hurting again.