Chapter Six: Tortoises are not Talkative

I didn’t do what Kevin wanted, so there. This act of bravery could be attributed to the fact that I am finally growing up and can make my own decisions. To the fact that Kevin

Richardson is not always right. To the 105 temperature I was running and the delirium that made me think I was having a conversation with the shapes in the wallpaper which, if you must know, looked a lot like tortoises. Not very talkative, tortoises. I had to hold up much of the conversation.

"Nick? Come on Nick, we need to cool you down."

Cool me down? I was freaking freezing.

"We’d better get them to shelter. They’re not use to this climate." The poor tortoises were going to freeze, and I’d be damned if the animal rights activist were coming after me.

"OK, fine." Good ole Howie. Of course he agrees to almost anything. I just won’t tell the tortoises. That way they’ll feel special.

"Help who? What shelter?" AJ just refuses to see things my way. He once told me my way was just to normal, and therefore boring.

"Come on, baby. We’re going to put you in the tub."

I had finally done it. I had driven Kevin to murder. He was going to put in a tub in

sub-zero temperatures.

"No. Please, I’ll be good." That was a lie, but who was counting? My mother, that’s who. According to her I had already used up my year’s quota, but she wasn’t here, now

was she? And anyway, I don’t think telling your brother that holding in gas results in acne, bad-breath and body funk counts as a lie. It COULD be true. Besides, she really wasn’t mad about the lie, she was mad about Aaron cutting one at her very important garden party. And at the dining table, and in church, and .... you get the picture. Sometimes younger brothers are such fun.

"Brian, help me get him up."

"NO!" I wanted to stay here in the warm covers. I also wanted to know if anyone had a

parka. "I don’t wanna bath." So there. This was one Carter who was not afraid of body smell. I had been on a bus with Brian’s feet and Kevin’s day old underwear in the middle of summer. Nothing I was going to do would be impressive.

"Let’s just give him a bed-bath. That’ll be easier."

"Good idea, Brian. AJ, get some washcloths and Howie, see if you can find something for a basin."

"A basin?" Howie requires a bit of explanation. I mean HE needs it, not that we need to

explain Howie. Well, not often.

"For the tortoises." Well, they needed something to swim in.

"What tortoises?" OK, maybe I was sick and a bit crazy in the head, but Howie actually looked under the bed. I just want that noted.

"Howie, Nick doesn’t know what he’s talking about."

"So, what’s knew?" I must really be sick. I said that.

"Nick, just be still and we’ll have you feeling better in no time."

"What if I don’t want to feel better?" Not really, I just felt like asking a question.

"Nick, could you TRY to behave? Just for a minute?" If you insist, Brian.

"Here, I’ve got the water." It’s Howie "pull it out of my butt", ladies and gentlemen!

"I’ve got the washcloths!" AJ was so proud he’d found the washcloths. Of course, they

were green. This was AJ.

"Um....guys..."

"Hush Nick, we’ll get you cool real fast." Maybe I don’t want it fast. Most of all I don’t

want it with a room full of guys and a green washcloth.

"No..." No sense beating around the bush. "I don’t want green washcloths." Just say

what you mean.

"No green...Nick, if you weren’t sick," Oh Kevin, that’s never stopped you before.

"The tortoises are green." I thought this might be important. "So are the washcloths." See? It all makes perfect sense now. To whom I’m not sure.

"Nick, let us..."

"Just move Brian. I’ll do it." Do it? With green washcloths? No Kevin! No! Don’t.....wash me?

"I’m not dirty! I’ve had two baths...in my life." Funny, the guys didn’t seem to think this was the time for humor.

"Shut up Nick. Here, help me roll him over and I’ll do his back." My back? My back what? Better not be my backside.

"Easy baby." Don’t call me baby. You should tell that to whomever is whimpering like

they feel like seven types of hell. Oh, wait...

"I feel sick." Fair warning is appreciated.

"ROLL HIM! ROLL HIM!" Man, Kevin is so bossy.

"Here’s the trashcan." AJ needed something to do too. So did I, therefore....

"Good one, man, right in the can!" AJ was doing that rhyming thing again.

"Kevin?" Oh, hell. JC. "Guys? I have Nick’s meds." Meds? Will they make me feel better? Will they make me warmer? Will they get this dammed tortoise off my chest?

"It’s hard to breath with him there!" You’d think they would know that.

"Who, baby?" Kevin seemed very concerned. "Nick says it’s hard to breath." Kevin was translating because no one else speaks fluent Nick.

"He’s most likely congested." The tortoise? Maybe that’s why he’s wheezing. "I’ve brought a vaporizer as well." As well as what? As well as Brian bringing it home at the end of a song? As well as AJ bringing sluts back to the hotel?

A few minutes passed where the conversation didn’t involve me, which was just as well. I was busy trying to convince the tortoise on my chest to go play with his friends, who were, from the sound of things, playing in the bathtub. Well, except for the one that was peaking at me out of the large bowl of water that Brian was taking a green washcloth

from. The washcloth he wrung out and put on my forehead. Nasty! Now I have tortoise

funk. I think I need meds.

"SUPOSITORY!" Kevin was excited, I think. "It’s a suppository?!"

"YES, Kevin! Nick can’t hold anything down." Not true. I’m holding this tortoise down. I didn’t want him running all over my bed. I get motion sick. "This is the only way."

"I can’t..."

"I can." That’s right folks, AJ can do anything.

"YOU’RE NOT DOING THAT!" Kevin gets jealous when people do things he can’t.

"Kevin! Calm down, AJ was just making a joke, right?"

"Yea, yea, I was just joking."

"Damn it, Aje..."

"KEVIN! None of you have to do it! I am a doctor!" JC was getting all full of herself. "Just help me roll him, OK?"

But I just got off my tummy. Besides, that tortoise is none too comfortable to lay on.

"That’s so big, bigger than I expected." Why in the world is Kevin saying this to JC? Seems like that line should be her’s.

"It’s..." and the conversation became hazy again until..

"Fine, guys, leave." I guess five guys, one girls, and nine tortoises were too many.

Wait, nine? Only nine? Where is that tenth one? I was a bit busy looking for him over the next few minutes to pay much attention to the whispered conversation, Brian, AJ and

Howie leaving the room, and Kevin and JC planning their attack. I have GOT to start paying more attention.

"Did you see where he went?" I didn’t want him sneaking up on me.

"No baby, I didn’t." Kevin sat by me on the bed.

"I can’t find him." I was really concerned. If he’s out of water too long he’ll die and stink up my room.

"I’ll help you find him later, OK? Right now I need you to roll over for me again."

"Wait!"

"Nick,"

"I wanna check the bed. I don’t want to be on top of him again." I think he left a dent in my chest.

"OK, here." Kevin was being helpful, which should have sounded the alert. "See? Not

here. Let’s get you over on your tummy."

"Well, OK. But you keep an eye out for him."

"I will. There that’s better. Here, you’re so hot. Let’s slip these down."

"Slip? I don’t have a slip!" Ask Howie, maybe he has one.

"Easy baby." I’m easy. Or at least Kevin thinks so, ‘cause he just pulled my pj bottoms

down.

"Hey!" Just thought I’d react. "Don’t do that." I’m cold. That’s why. Oh yes, and it’s

weird.

"Easy, you’ll be cooler." Cooler? Who needs to be cooler? The polar bear under my

bed, that’s who.

"OK, here we go. Hold him." Who was JC talking to? Did she have Bernard, which was the tortoises name. Don’t look at me, I didn’t name him!

"OK." OK. Fine. This all seems very odd, me in a room full of sea creatures with Kevin

and no pants. But, I guess stranger things could happen, like.......

"HEY! What are you doing?" Touching my butt like that! Actually JC wasn’t touching it. She was, was....

"STOP that!" Man, even mine only spreads so far. "Kevin!"

"Easy Nick, she’s trying to help." Help what?

"OUCH! That hurts!" And it did...whatever she was doing.

"Don’t tense up, Nick! That makes it harder." Too bad, so sad. "Fine, I’m just gonna

shove it up there, hang on."

Shove it up there? What? Where.....OH GOD. I think JC found Bernard, and for some

reason felt being on the outside of me wasn’t good enough.

"STOP THAT!" My butt clenched, too late. Oh no, the poor tortoise! "He’ll suffocate!"

Don’t they know that? There’s no air in there! Just gas.

"Nick, easy. It’s just..."

"Bernard!" WHY would anyone do something so cruel to a tortoise? And, by the way,

me?

"Who?" They didn’t even know his name.

"The tortoise!" I thought I had explained all this.

"What tortoise?" Apparently Kevin hadn’t been paying attention.

"The one you shoved up my butt!"

"Up your...." Really Kevin. I didn’t think this was a laughing matter. "Nick, man, that

was a pill, sort of."

Sort of? Sort of?

"Didn’t feel like it!" Just so you know.

"OK, fine. Whatever. Just get some sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up." Says

you. "Let’s get these up."

"NO! I’ll do it myself." Mr. "Shove a tortoise up your butt" Richardson wasn’t getting his hands on my pj’s again.

"Fine. Do it yourself. Just get some sleep, all right?"

"Fine."

"Fine."

"As soon as I find that tortoise." Didn’t think I’d forgotten him, did you?

"What tortoise?"

"The lost one!" Why would I want to find a found one?

"There is no lost tortoise!"

"Oh yea? So how come there are only nine?"

"Nine? Nine tor....Nick, go to sleep."

"But.."

"I’ll look for him Nick. I’m sure he’s around here somewhere."

"That’s what I’m afraid of, JC. He might get back on my chest."

"He’ll...." Kevin was looking more lost by the second.

"I’ll find him before he does, promise." JC, on the other hand, had an excellent grasp on the situation, which was better than my shower curtain.

"Thank you." See, it’s not so hard. "I’m gonna take a little nap." For some reason I was really tired.

"The meds are kicking in."

"How long will he sleep?" For some reason JC and Kevin decided to have a conversation about with, without me, in front of me. How rude.

"Three to four hours."

"Don f’get." Just wanted to make my point clear.

"I won’t forget Nick. I’ll find the tortoise." Thank you JC. That makes taking a nap so much easier.