Chapter Four: Pillow Loving and Random Thoughts
Scene One:
A bed never felt so good. And clean. Hotels are wonderful in that aspect. Some quite, silent, invisible person comes and puts clean sheets on your bed. I really admire that, as I wouldn’t touch some strangers used sheets from inside a bio-hazard suit. I mean, you never knew what went on in a persons bed. Just running though the mental pictures of what had transpired in my own over the past two nights made me admire the person or persons that had braved the front. I wonder if they wore rubber gloves?
I laid there for a while, wishing once again for my Mom. Mom’s are just wonderful people to have around when you are ill, and my Mom is the best. She would put a large towel long-ways over the side of the bed and another on the floor so the sick person never had to worry about making a mess on the floor. She would sit a trashcan lined in newspaper (it absorbs, and is much more ascetically pleasing than plastic liners) on the towel. This was followed with flat sprite in a tumbler, ice water in a glass contain with a lid/cup, and all the hot tea and toast you wanted. To top it off, she would check on you, stay with you, sing to you, or if you felt up to it play cards with you. I never felt as sick when she was around as I did with anyone else.
This train of thought was making me feel sorry for myself, so I rolled over and tried to sleep. My back hurt in this position, I think it has something to do with being tall, anyway, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it. I pushed a pillow between my knees and pulled the covers up to my chin. I should point out that this position may require some explaining if someone walks in on you. As least, it did with my Mom. I had never considered how strange this might look, especially if you are using one of those long body pillows I have at home, and are hugging the top of the pillow at the same time.
A strange burning in my stomach required that I roll to my left, almost face down on the pillow. I’ll bet that position would raise a few eyebrows, even Kevin’s. Speaking of which, where was he? I was trying to stay awake for his check-up visit. If I fell asleep he would simply wake me up to tell me to sleep until he got back. In his former life he must have been a sadist, or a nurse. As it turns out I got a call from Howie saying that Kevin asked him to call and check-up on me. Man, Kevin hated that autograph game. I assured Howie that I was fine and would nap until the guys returned.
“OK, take care. You got my cell number? You call if you need anything, I mean anything. Got that?”
“Sure, thanks man.”
“No prob, bro. Hey, want me to say “hi” to Frank for you?” Just had to get that dig in, huh, Howie?
“No thanks, I’ll send him a private email later.” Hey, two can play at this game.
“I’ll tell him to be watching for it!” Howie signed off, and not a moment too soon. I flung the covers God-knows-where and made a mad dash for the bathroom, as my stomach made an sudden and unexpected request to worship the John. I hate having my face so close to where people’s behinds have been, even it is my own. I mean, I don’t stick my face in my own butt! Of course, if I could I might be more popular, at least with certain crowds.
Actually, this is the same reason I don’t like to sleep on the floor, having my face so close to where other body parts tend to rule. Not butts in this case, it’s feet. And of the two, if I had to put my face closer to someone’s butt or someone’s feet, all I can say is it depends on the person. With AJ I would have to go with feet. I mean, the man once admitted he farted during sex! With Howie I have no idea as I tend to stay away from all his known body parts. Not that Howie’s body is a smell factory, I mean, not unless I have splattered him with my gastric juices. It’s just that if one gets that close to Howie it will certainly guarantee that he will attempt to carry on a conversation, and it’s just too painful an experience. Really Howie? You don’t have a girlfriend or a dog? Man, I’ve never been that pathetic!
With Brian I’d go with butt. For one reason he has some seriously stinky feet. Really. He took his shoes off once after b-ball and people actually started looking for sour milk. So I’d go with the butt, but not just because of the foot cheese. Brian claims he has never farted. I’m totally serious about this. It could just be Tyke, though I have my suspicions about such a small dog and such a big smell. On the other hand, Brian could be pointing out a difference in semantics. You know, he has never farted, but he has broken wind. I wouldn’t put it past him to do that, just to throw me off. All in all this non-sense is more entertaining than what occurred in my bathroom, so we’ll just leave it at that.
I staggered back to the bed, having the fore sight to take the trash can, minus any lining, with me. At least I wouldn’t have to make sudden trips. I spend a good two minutes being blond and wondering where my covers were, and finally found them behind the bed next to the wall. I curled up in a warm cocoon and managed to doze on and off for the next hour and a half. I was never really asleep, but not really awake. You know that haze you get? You can’t move and you feel heavy, but you can hear some of what goes on around you. That’s the state I was in, mixed with the “now I’m hot, now I’m cold” aspect. I kept hearing something, but didn’t have the energy to lift my head and check it out. I know better now.
Scene Two: One hour later.
“Oh God, my eyes are on fire!” What? Was Brian sick? Pink-eye be damned, “hot fire-place poker eye!”
“Nick, what the hell are you doing?” Howie unloaded. “Sick my ass!” I just knew I was going to have to explain that pillow position.
“Who the hell are you?” I’m Nick, whipped-cream brain, and you said three cuss words in the last sixty seconds.
“I’m Haley. Am I in trouble?” Haley? Apparently I had a sex-change without any notification. It must be AJ’s doing.
“Nick you butt-wipe, you had sex with an underage fan!” I had sex with an underage fan. I had sex with a fan. I had sex. Wait, I had sex? Really? Man, I’m bummed I missed that.
“I know you.” Kevin was the-man-in-the-know. “You were one of the girls outside the room earlier. How did you get in here, and don’t give me any crap. Nick is totally out of it, so I don’t...”
“Nick’s out of it? Nick? Nick?” Why don’t you just whistle and call “here boy?” “Nick!” Brian was in serious danger of becoming a gastric canvas if he didn’t stop shaking me.
Needless to say the next twenty minutes or so were quite interesting. It seems that Haley had conned the real maid into letting her in the room, where upon she crawled into my bed “just to be near him.” Howie seemed to think something had gone on, until Kevin pointed out that the Haley was completely dressed, and no one would be having sex with anyone in that ugly maids uniform anyway. AJ took this opportunity to point out that it could be a sexual fantasy of mine, except one would think I would be more likely to go for a girl dressed as a character from Mario Cart.
Meantime, back at the ranch, and where’s a cowboy hat when you need one, I had managed to wake up, but wished I had just stayed asleep. My life makes so much more sense when I’m unconscious.
Kevin had escorted Haley from the room and Lord knows what he did with her. Knowing Kevin Haley was now the recipient of one hairy lecture. Even with what she pulled, I felt sorry for her. AJ and Brain were explaining to me how serious the situation could have been. Really? Me being in bed with an under-age girl. Me being famous (well, at least in some circles, and no I don’t mean the “butt in your own face” crowd) and having quite a bit of money, at least more than the average 20 year old. I explained that it would never have occurred to me that the situation could had lead to trouble. That scared Brian for about six minutes. That’s as long as AJ decided to let him suffer, and then told him I was not that blond (not this month anyway, I really needed to lift my roots), it was just that I was that sarcastic. Or pissed off.
Howie was busy looking put-out. I think he was miffed that he had nothing to do. Howie most often ends up with nothing to do in any given situation, which is why we let him accept the AMA. He was do damn proud! Kind of the way I felt when Kevin chose me to read the fans questions that time on MTV. I just love showing off new talents!
To make a long story short (too late) the situation was handled by “super-Kevin” (I hope those tights chafe), I was lectured to by Brian, AJ, and Kevin (Though to be fair they were easy on me. Even Kevin wouldn’t blame someone for events that take place when they are unconscious.) Howie pouted, but soon gave that up for his 49th cell-phone conversation of the day. I finally got my nap, even a good nights sleep, and felt much better the next day. I assumed this meant things were looking up. I now know that when one looks up, one must also watch for bird manure.
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