CHAPTER SIX: The EMT Ate an Onion
I should have been late. Actually, I should have just stayed at the hotel, and if I known what was in store for me, I would have.
Kevin wasn’t speaking to me, but that was fine. For one, he wasn’t speaking to any of us, how dare we not see his side of the issue! Second, Kevin often resorted to not speaking to me, so I was use to it. Anyway, when he did speak to me it was usually to chew my ass for something, and who in their right mind would miss that?
Pre-concert is a bit of a blur, hurry up and wait, stand around and get nervous, change, make-up (which I hate), time for AJ to make one last decision on that hair color. I wondered if his receding hair-line had anything to do with the frequent change in colors, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask. The last time I was brave enough to ask AJ a stupid question I found peanut butter in my underwear. Of course the joke was actually on him. It wasn’t my clean underwear. Lucky for all I have outgrown the “put the dirty underwear back in the drawer” phase.
My stomach had settled to an occasional cramp, nothing I couldn’t handle. But I wanted to be sure I made it through the concert. We can’t leave once we start, and there is rarely time for bathroom breaks during costume changes. So I took an over the counter pain med. I thought back to the Snickers and Coke incident, but decided to take a chance.
The evening seemed to take forever, but finally we were in costume, in the black-box, cabled to our surfboards. Brian was doing his “Oh, God, oh, God...please let me live through this,” routine. AJ was warming up his pelvis (I would tell you how he does this, but then I would have to kill you). Howie was starting off into space, so nothing new there. Kevin and I were playing a nice game of “avoid eye-contact with the other at all cost.” Oh yea, it was going to be a great show. You could feel the love.
Star Wars theme, here we go! I like the entrance, its a bit scary which gets your adrenaline going and pumps you up for the show. OK, march time, stand still, stomp your feet, rouse the crowd. “Larger Than Life” was first, it is a great show opener when you are so pumped up. Anything slow and I would implode!
This is usually a favorite with the fans, and why should tonight be any different than any other night? I’ll tell you why. Because I’m Nick, that’s why. BSB law number 3, if Nick can screw it up, he will.
“All you people...” oh no, bad cramp. Lucky for me I could make the tummy grab look like a dance move, though I’m sure not a smooth one. “...see your body sway...” Now the guys are looking at me. I usually gesture to the audience during this part, try and pump them up, when tonight I kept my arms at my sides and concentrated on not doubling over. Backstreet Boys do Riverdance! I was also trying not to scream, since we have AJ for that. I convinced myself if I could make it through the first song I would be OK. I would be fine. All would be right with the world. Everybody’s beautiful in their own way. Someone help me I can’t breath I hurt so bad oh no SHIT that hurts just a minute more I can make it hey the stage is turning I didn’t know it could do that why is Kevin yelling at me now and how did the floor get all the way up here and why...?
“Nick! Nick!” I wanted to tell Brain to stop yelling at me but I was too busy being doubled up on my side clutching my stomach. Someone else was screaming. Actually, a lot of someone else’s were screaming. Fans, I could hear them screaming at full volume. AJ, put your clothes on, they are giving me a headache.
“Is he hot?” Howie, what a thing to ask! And why do you care? AJ, run for it!
“No, he feels clammy.” Ick. AJ get your hand off my head, especially if you are naked. No touching in the nude, dude.
“Nick, come on man, open your eyes, OK? Please?” Brain really sounded upset. Wonder what’s going on? Did someone squish Tike? And who is that on the sound system telling everyone to stay calm? I’m calm. I am also in pain, and a great deal of it. Aje old buddy, how about knocking ole Nick over the head with that tire-iron? I could use a visit to la-la land right about now.
“What’s his name?”
“Nick.” Brian was really into my name. Maybe it’s a game the guys play I don’t know about. I wouldn’t put it past them, make me the center of a game and give me no credit. No fair. Fine, I’m not talking to ya anyway.
“Nick? Nick can you hear me?” Yes, and who are you? I don’t know the voice. Brian? You can say my name again if you will tell me who this is.
“Nick?” Oh...my...God. Who ever it was leaned closer and put the name question to me at close range, and they had onion breath. Fresh onion breath. It’s one thing to be on a cold stage floor, half out of it, in pain, and another to have someone blow fresh onion breath right in your face. Alex, I’ll take the lesser of two evils for $300.
“How’s he doing?” Good, Kevin would straighten this mess out. Sic ‘em, Kev.
“I need everyone to get back so we can check him.” No, no. Don’t leave me with onion breath! And how did he become a we? Kevin, why aren’t you taking care of this? Just order me to get up, that might piss me off enough to work.
Mr. Onion Breath and his partner, Mr. Neanderthal, rolled me on my back, a position which was not comfortable. “Nick, we’re going to take your blood pressure, OK?” You better give it back. And why ask if you are going to do it anyway?
Forget my comments concerning Kevin’s sadistic tendencies, he was a mere amateur compared to these two. I was poked, prodded, and I swear pinched. Neanderthal grabbed my wrists, pulling my arms away from their protective stance. I tried to pull my knees up in defense but someone stopped that motion. Onion Breath took the opportunity to prod my belly. It wasn’t the small room I wanted, but I think I did a fair job of busting those eardrums. I also tried to pull away, but had little success. I was boxed in below and on both sides. I heard myself groan, and tried to move up. Suddenly I felt someone’s hands on my head, very gentle. “Easy baby, let them take care of you.” Kevin smoothed my hair back, and I realized I was still moaning. I tried to stop, I didn’t want to be a wimp, and I didn’t want to worry the guys. Kevin kept holding my head, talking to me softly. That’s when I started to get scared. I don’t know if I was worried about what could possibly be wrong with my stomach, or what in the world Kevin was thinking as he ran his fingers through my hair and called me baby. Ummm...Kev? Trying to start some rumors? It did feel comforting, but if he offers me a midol I’m borrowing AJ’s tire-iron. I could hear Onion Breath, who shall now be known as OB, talking. Later I would discover he was on a radio-phone to a hospital relating my condition and receiving medical treatment instructions. Neanderthal, let’s just call him Nelly, was cutting away my costume top. There went the Velcro straps and the left sleeve. Hey, maybe we could use this as an excuse to get new ones. We were all a bit tired of the puffy vests.
“Nick, were going to start and IV, OK.” No, not OK. Kevin?
“Nick?” Had I spoken aloud? I dug down deep and really pushed.
“Kevin? I...don’t...” That was the best I could do. Kevin brushed my hair back again and murmured encouragement’s. He told me they were going to start an IV, that it would be OK, he was there. All the guys were here.
“Yea, Nick, we’re here bro.” AJ, Howie and Brian spoke from a short distance. OK, if Kevin can raise those eyebrows, Nick can raise the Titanic. I opened my eyes and looked around. AJ and Howie were off to my left, just beyond Nelly. There were standing side-by-side, AJ’s arm around Howie’s shoulders. They both looked worried, but AJ sent me a “thumbs up” gesture. Kevin was taking to me, telling me not so move, to take it easy, but I had to see Brain. He was off to the right, kneeling just beyond Kevin’s shoulder. He was crying. Not loudly, just quite tears streaming down his cheeks. I could see his shoulders shake as he tried to control himself. Oh, Frick, it’s OK. Please don’t cry.
“Frick...” I had to get that out. I wanted him to be OK. I remembered how scared he was before his surgery, and I know whatever I had was nothing in comparison to that, but Brian wouldn’t see it that way. Since his illness he couldn’t stand to see anyone sick or in pain. It just tore him up.
“Frack man, keep quiet. Do as Boss Man Tells ya, ‘K?” He wiped his face and forced a grin. I grinned back, or as close as I could come to it.
"Nick, you are going to feel a bit of a sting here,” Nelly wiped my left hand with something soft and cold. It didn’t sting at all. OH... that sting. I jumped, I wasn’t expecting it to hurt that much.
“Easy Frack, it’s just the IV.” How large was that damn needle? It felt like a full grown tree was being forced in my vein. I grit my teeth and held on, after all it wouldn’t take long. BSB rule number 7, anything at all takes twice the effort and four times longer when done to Nick.
“The vein’s hiding.” Oh, goody. Hide and go seek. OB was a fan of pallor games. Well, allele allele in come free!
“It’s right there, I can feel it. Just a second more.” You know when you go to the dentist, and they numb you by moving that needle around and around? I once thought there was nothing more painful than that. I was wrong. Nelly continued to “gently” move the needle around in an attempt to hit the vein. This went on for at least a decade before OB decided to open the IV line to see if they had reached the target. They hadn’t. Later AJ told me that my hand started to swell where the needle was, as the fluid was simply collecting under the skin.
OB closed the line and decided they needed to try another place. Oh, goody. OB took more time on his side. He split my shirt from wrist to shoulder, and proceeded to thump every inch of the inside of my arm. Though this doesn’t sound bad, apparently veins have a lot of nerves. OB “hummed” quite a bit, then announced, “I believe I have found a vein.” You believe? You’re not certain? Well, if you “believe” you have a vein I “believe” I’m not sick enough to merit one. “Don’t worry Nick, I’m a professional.” Oh, ha ha very funny.
“OUCH!” OB didn’t take as much time sticking me, either. Wouldn’t you know it, my veins didn’t like OB anymore than they did Nelly. This chosen blood supplier “rolled” away from the needle. He meant business, no body was sticking him. Unfortunately for me, OB meant business as well. For a full explanation send $19.95 to “How Nick suffered at the Hands of the EMT’s”.
OB was a man obsessed. He moved that needle, felt that vein, muttered “It’s right there,” over and over. I have no idea how long OB could have gone on, it just too ghastly to contemplate, but Kevin, Brain, AJ, and Howie had had enough. It goes without saying that I was in the same frame of mind.
“Stop.” You tell him, Howie. “You’re not getting it, OK? Just stop.”
“It’s almost there.” OB was not a quitter. For the sequel send an additional $19.95 to “How Nick suffered some more.” I didn’t want to be a quitter either, but between the pain in my stomach and the fire in my hand I was starting to loose control. Tears started to leak out of the corners of my eyes. I closed them tightly in an effort to stop crying, but that only pushed more out.
“Stop, NOW.” “Stop, you’re just hurting him!” Kevin and Brain talked over each other. I could hear AJ saying something in the background, but to be honest with you it’s just to vulgar to relate. Let’s just say OB and Nelly’s parentage was called into question.
At this time two other EMT’s showed up with a stretcher, and it was a good thing. OB and Nelly were having it out with four unhappy BSB’s concerning my medical treatment. The guys were accused of interfering with necessary procedures. The EMT’s were accused of being morons. Everyone sing, “Happy Shinny People Everywhere!”
“Excuse me, can we help?” A female voice. Eyes open, Nick. Yes, it’s true. Even in great pain the male animal will sense the female and make his move. In my case it was nothing more than a sad puppy dog look, but never underestimate the power of pity. It has gotten more than one man laid.
Kat, my new EMT, was also a nursing student. Can you believe this brown eyed beauty’s specialty was IVs? That and bad EMT humor. “Hey Nick, did you ever wonder if Roman EMT’s call IV’s fours?” The joke was to be a distraction while she started the IV, and it was so painful itself that it almost worked. I barely winced this time, and she hit the vein on the first poke. Nick’s veins like female EMT. Nick also liked whatever that clear fluid was she put in the IV, for I suddenly felt light-headed. Best of all, though I could still feel the pain, it was hazy and far-away.
I closed my eyes again and drifted, only half-listening to the conversation. I think I felt myself being lifted, but I can’t be sure. I was surrounded by cotton, or so it felt. Suddenly the ground below me was cushy and something soft and warm was over me. “Nick, were going to change and follow, OK? We’ll be real fast. They won’t let us ride with you, but we’ll be right there, I promise.” OK Brain. No problem bro. I think I‘ll sleep on the way in, if no one minds.
-