Chapter 1

"Now, turn! Yes, that's it! Gimme a smile!"

I watched thirteen-year-old Nick Carter hamming it up infront of the camera. The photography staff had quickly chosen him as the 'cute one' of the group and intended to plaster his face anywhere they could. A small blonde with bright blue eyes and a winning smile, what more could they ask for?

Howie Dorough and Alex McLean sat across from me staring out the window at the people below. How the two had managed to become such close friends had always amazed me....Howie was very calm and peaceful. Hardly ever saying a negative word. Alex was the complete opposite. A skinny 15-year-old kid known to be an utter smartass of sexual comments and ornery motions. Or perhaps that was 'AJ McLean' the performer our manager was molding him into.....We all had a part to play in 'the world of the Backstreet Boys'...

AJ and Howie had known each other around two or three years. Meeting at acting auditions for Latino actors in Florida. Despite Howie being twenty, he had a young face to play various roles. Though, younger AJ stood three inches taller than his senior at 5'9 with brown eyes and dark brown hair. Hair that would be fire engine red if he had his way....'It'll help with my wild image!' he begged. Management wouldn't have it.

Howie was a small musclar man at 5'6 with dark gentle eyes and short curly black shorn close to his scalp. He was a suave young man with a big heart, and quite possibly the only person I could develop a friendship with. He was mature, respectable and able to understand my point-of-view. Yet, somehow he found a way to get along amazingly with Nick and AJ.

I shook my head clearing my thoughts. I hated being so unhappy in a situation I had always dreamt of. But it's hard to be happy when loneliness seems your only companion.

"Kevin? Kevin?"

"Huh?" I asked coming out of my trance.

"You okay?" my cousin, Brian Littrell, asked softly resting a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. What'd you need?"

He shrugged. "I was just writing Grandpa a letter and I wanted to know if you wanted me to say anything for you?"

"Oh, yeah, tell him I say 'hi and I love him'," I mumbled.

He smiled. "Sure thing, Kev."

Even Brian had managed to connect with the others in the short time he had been here. I had literally dragged him out of history class to join the group. Calling him telling him about the singing group and a sudden opening. He flew in and the rest 'is history' so to say.....Within two months he had managed to bond with the others guys. Finding Nick to be the younger brother he never had and AJ and Howie dear friends.

I think the others were surprised and possibly delighted to see he was the complete opposite of me. Light wavy brownish-blonde hair, blue eyes and a small frame standing at only 5'7. I had straight black hair, green eyes and stood at 6'2 with a strong large build. Our features seemed fitting of our personalities.

Brian was easy-going and fun loving. A comic in his own right. I tended to be harsh and very business-oriented. I wanted everything to be perfect, Brian just wanted to be happy.

"Okay, shoot's over!" the photographer shouted allowing Nick to return to the group.

"All right, boys!" Lou Pearlman, the co-founder of the band declared clapping his big hands. "Great job! Why don't you all go back to the hotel, now? You have a big audition tomorrow and you want to be well-rested!"

Grrrreat......This day just gets better and better. We had been flashing cheesy smiles for the past two hours and now he wanted to confide us in a small hotel. According to Lou, the budget had gotten very tight. We couldn't even afford plane tickets on our second venture to the Big Apple. Howie and I had even driven our cars up splitting the other members between us.

Nick and AJ's mother were back to Florida due to the lack of money. They didn't have enough money out of their own pocket to travel to New York and pay for hotel rooms....A part of the trip that was affecting the younger boys more than they would ever care to admit.

*****************

"Man, this isn't anything like The Plaza," AJ complained as we walked through small halls of the hotel searching for our number. I had to agree with him. The Plaza was definitely a place I'd never forget.

Brian shrugged. "I think it's nice. Plain and simple, but respectable."

"I bet Big Poppa could afford more," AJ quipped, "judging by the size of his house."

I rolled my eyes. "Complaining won't do any good. Save your breath."

"Look on the bright side," Howie said gently. "You guys don't have any tutoring sessions today."

"That's great!" Brian smiled wrapping an arm around Nick. "Right, little guy?"

He shrugged. "Whatever."

Nick definitely was not acting like himself.

In fact, we had been getting along perfectly since we had arrived in New York and he slept the majority of the way here in my car not making a sound. This was not the rampaging adolescent I was accustomed to. The blonde could barely sit still five minutes, let alone behave perfectly for the past two days.

I gave him a quick glance. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah." He kept his head down.

Great a teenager going through mood swings- just who every guy my age wants to hang around. Lucky me.

"There it is!" Brian announced pointing a few doors up.

"Finally!" AJ groaned running up the hall.

"Argh, don't run up the hallway, Alex!" I demanded.

He stood outside the door. "Whatever."

I tossed the keys to Howie. "Here. Let him in before he has a hissy fit."

Nick dragged himself behind me.

I looked over my shoulder. "Come on, Nick."

He continued to stare at the ground. "Yeah, I'm coming."

I entered the plain room. My eyes widened staring at the accessories . "We're sharing beds?"

Howie nodded. "It's a simple hotel room, Kev. Nothing fancy." He looked around. "There's a cot if you like."

"I'll take the cot," Nick volunteered. "I'm the smallest- it might be more comfortable for me."

I shook my head my black hair getting in my eyes. "No, being small would make it easier for you to share. I'll take the cot."

He laid down on one the beds. "Whatever."

AJ stared out the window. "Let's go out."

"I'd like to go out, too," Brian agreed.

"Did you two not hear Lou?" I spat. "What part of 'well-rested' don't you understand?"

Howie intervined. "Kev, what could it hurt to go get some lunch and maybe do a little window shopping?"

"What's the point in window shopping?" I asked crossing my arms.

"Gee, I dunno, Kev, maybe to just have fun! You know f-u-n. You should try it some time," Brian said simply while adjusting his wallet.

I unzipped my suitcase. "Excuse me for being responsible."

Howie buttoned his jacket. "It's easy to be responsible and still have a good time, Kevin. It's simple."

"Howie, you guys don't even know your way around New York."

"We're not planning on running around aimlessly." He pulled me to the window. "Look," he said pointing down to the crowded street below. "There's a McDonalds right across from here and some shops and a theater right by it. We don't even need the car everything is together right here, and the hotel is still in viewing distance."

I ran my hands through my hair. "Do whatever you want. I don't care."

My cousin stared at me. "You're not coming?"

"I'll just stay here, thanks."

"What about lunch? The hotel doesn't have a restarant."

"There were some sandwiches left over that we didn't eat on the drive up."

He shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Maybe it was for the best that they were leaving. I couldn't blame them. Hell, I didn't want to stay cooped up here, either. But at least now I'd have some time to myself to relax and get some sleep.

AJ poked Nick in the back repeatively for his own amusement. "Come on, Nicky! Get up! You can get a Happy Meal. I think Barbies are the toy this month, so, you could play with her at night instead of yourself."

"Watch it, Alex!" I hissed as I continued to unload my suitcase making sure everything was in proper order.

He slid a pair of sunglasses over the bridge of his nose. "The name's McLean....AJ McLean."

"Whatever."

"Don't be so grouchy, old timer."

Suddenly, being twenty-one is ancient. I'm barely allowed to drink and I'm over the hill....

Brian took a gentle approach with Nick. "Come on, buddy, let's go get some food."

"I'm not hungry," the small blonde mumbled into the pillow.

Brian sat down beside him rubbing his back. "What? I couldn't hear you."

Nick turned his head facing him. "I don't wanna' go. Just go on without me."

"But we're going to do some window shopping. Maybe catch a movie-I'll even buy your ticket," Howie offered.

"No, I really don't feel like it."

Okay, now something was really wrong. Nick never passed up an opportunity to live like a normal child. He was a constant source of energy compared to the rest of us.

"You don't feel like it?" Howie repeated. "Are you feeling okay?"

Nick shrugged.

Brian rested a hand on his forehead. "You feel warm. I think you have a fever."

Nick pulled away. "I'm okay."

"You want me to stay here with you? We could watch a movie or something," Brian offered.

"No, you guys go. I'll be fine."

Howie stared at him oddly. "Are you sure?"

He nodded.

"You're positive you don't want to go, cuz?" Brian asked me quietly getting up from the bed. "It might be fun."

"I'm not about to leave a kid alone at a hotel," I stated glancing at Nick.

"I'm not a kid! And I'd be fine on my own!"

I gritted my teeth. This was typical behavior of Nick Carter that I was accustomed to. "Oh, really, Carter?"

"Yeah! I babysit my younger brother and sisters!"

"That's different," I explained. "There's a difference between you being on your own at home in Florida and being alone in a foreign state in a hotel."

"Why? I was born in New York?"

Howie sighed. "He's right, Nick. Besides, if you're sick you need to be resting anyway."

"I'm not sick. I'm just tired."

"Okay, in that case you need to get some sleep, so, you don't get sick."

Brian crossed his arms. "I still think he has a fever."

I rubbed the back of my neck in exasperation. "I'll be here with him. If he gets sick, I'll take care of him."

"Fat chance," Nick grumbled below his breath.

I shot him an evil glare. "Everything will be just fine." I faced the other band members. "Make up your mind as to whether or not you're going."

"Oh, I'm going!" AJ exclaimed.

Howie glanced at him. "Well, I'm going too. I'm not about to let AJ roam the streets on his own. He'd try to pick up a hoe."

AJ smirked. "You know me too well, D."

Brian smiled at Nick. "You're sure you don't want me to stay?"

"Brian, you're eighteen stop trying to act like a parent. Go out and have some fun. I feel reassured knowing Howie's with you that there won't be any trouble." I said becoming annoyed at their indecisive tendencies.

He rolled his eyes. "You worry too much. You're going to have gray hair before your twenty-four."

"Well, there's always dye!" AJ reassured me.

Howie opened the door stepping into the hallway. "Come on, you two before Kev breaks your legs and I have to pack you all around New York."

Brian lingered in the doorway. "Are you okay, Kev? You've seemed a little uptight since we left Florida."

"I'm fine."

"Okay, if you say so." He waved to Nick who laid motionlessly on the bed. "I'll you back something, Nicky. See you guys later! Try not to kill each other..."

I turned to Nick. "I'm gonna' go take a shower. Standing under those hot lights made me sweat like a pig. Will you be all right?"

He looked at me dumbly. "What do you expect me to do? Jump out the window and try to fly?"

In all honesty I wouldn't put it passed him. I bit my lip. "Um....no, I guess not."

He sat up. "I need to use the phone."

I grabbed a t-shirt and boxers from my suitcase. "Just take a nap when you're done, or watch television or something.....Where is my shampoo and soap?" I mumbled searching through my suitcase compartments.

Nick rolled his eyes. "Don't they provide soap and shampoo at the hotel?"

I shrugged lifting the items into my hands. "I don't care. I always have to have my own."

"Why?"

"So, I know that I'm not allegric to them," I grumbled.

"Oh," he answered as he picked up the phone.

I paused at the bathroom door. "You do know how to use the phone, don't you?"

"Yes, Kevin!" he groaned.

"Okay, okay, I was just asking."

He moaned. "Whatever."

I stepped into the bathroom locking the door. "I hope that kid doesn't call some monk in Italy...." I groaned setting my clothing and hygiene items on the sink. It wasn't the Plaza....but at least it was respectable.

I reached through the thin curtain turning on the water. Maybe the dripping water could wash away my uncomfortable feelings. I unbuttoned my shirt tossing it to the ground. I undid my belt pulling it out of my waistband.  

I glanced in the mirror. "Well, you look like shit, Richardson," I said to myself as I slid my pants off my legs. Dark circles laid beneath my eyes, my skin tone had lightened and my cheekbones were even more visible than before. I shook my head. "If my mom could see me now she'd be pressing chicken soup through my lips and forcing me into bed." I chuckled running a hand through my hair. "Pity she isn't here-I could use a break. Everyone in this group thinks I'm a hardass without emotion, even Brian, but she knows who 'her little boy' really is. And my dad," the words became lodged in my throat. I tried to smile looking up at the sky whispering to my father as if he were standing beside me. "You must think I'm pretty crazy, huh Dad? Standing here in my boxers talking to myself in a bathroom....If you could see me now I can imagine what you would say."

I lowered my voice lifting my chin as he always did when he spoke. "Son, I think you should take a long hot shower, then, lay down and take a nice long nap before you lose your mind."

Lose my mind? Maybe that's why I was so unhappy....

****************************

"Ahhh, that feels better!" I breathed stepping out of the bathroom running a comb through my wet hair. "Amazing how a nice long shower can make you feel better, huh Nick?" I asked attempting to make conversation with the youth.

He lay across from me on the other bed not making a sound.

I cleared my throat. "You asleep?"

He shook his head refusing to speak or look at me.

"You sick?"

He shrugged.

Okay, I normally I would've rejoiced in the thought of Nick not speaking to me or bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean. This meant he couldn't annoy me. However, today this silence worried me. I had only known the kid six months, but I knew enough to see the change in behavior.

I stratched my chin. "Did you call back home?"

Again, he nodded.

"Is everyone okay?"

He shrugged burying his face in the pillow.

I bit my lip. "Um....Is Aaron over his cold? He was pretty stuffed up last time I saw him."

Nick shook his head up and down his blonde hair swaying back and forth.

I stood up walking to the bed. "Well, that's good to hear."

Now, I was really worried. Should I be? Would any of the guys in the band actually give a shit if it were me being distant? Especially, a thirteen-year-old kid? I sighed. If I really were a hardass it would be easy to walk out the door and leave him lying on the bed drowning in his own misery while I grabbed a beer. But let the truth be told....I was the complete opposite.

I sat down beside him. "What's going on, Nick? It's not like you to be so quiet."

"So a bath," he mumbled into the pillow.

"So a bath?" I repeated lifting an eyebrow.

"No!" he shrieked facing me showcasing a tear-stainded face with present tears still leaving his eyes. "Sabbath!"

I paused to think of the importance. "Sabbath.....Your dog?"

"Yeah...."

"Did he get hurt?"

He chewed on his lip more tears falling from his sad blue eyes. "No. He died!" He began to sob openly as the words left his mouth. "He died, Kevin!"

"I.....I'm so sorry, kid."

He sat up. "Kevin?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it okay to cry for a dog?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

"So, I'm not a wuss? Or a pansy?"

"No, and where did you hear the word 'pansy'?"

"AJ."

"Oh."

His lips quivered. "I loved him!"

"I know you did," I said simply. What was I suppose to say? I'm not good with these things and I didn't know how to comfort the kid. Where's Brian when I need him?

He glanced up at me. "Kevin?"

I ran a hand through my damp hair. "Yes?"

"I know you don't like me as much as Howie or your cousin."

I fidgeted. "I like you," I fibbed. "I like you a lot."

Nick looked at me pleadingly. "Would you hold me? Please?"

I stared at him. He seemed so vulnerable, so heartbroken. For first the time, the boy who shared Brian's light features looked like me- sad. I extended my arms. "If you want me to."

He crawled into my arms his small body shaking with each cry. "Why did he have to die?"

I rubbed his back. "I dunno." I stared down at the floor. "Why does anyone have to die?" I whispered to myself.

Nick pulled away from me suddenly.

"You okay?"

He wiped his nose. "Yeah, I just don't need to be crying like a baby. He was just a dog."

"He wasn't 'just a dog' to you, was he?" I asked.

"No, he was eleven. He's been my buddy since I was two. He was real sick when I left to come here." He paused fighting tears. "My mom and dad couldn't pay the medical bills for him....They said if the bills kept on going....They'd just have to-have to"

"Put him down?" I finished for him.

He nodded fresh tears meeting his eyes. "They killed him!"

"No, they didn't. Your parents just didn't want him to be in pain." I glanced at him. "Did you want Sabbath to be in pain?"

He shook his head vigariously. "No never!"

I patted his back. "He's not now."

Nick laid down. "That doesn't make me feel better."

"It doesn't right now, but it will eventually," I promised. I only wished I wasn't speaking from exprience.

"Do you think he went to Heaven?" he asked suddenly. "Do you think dogs go to Heaven?"

I shrugged. "Well, they made a movie about it so, I guess they do. 'All Dogs Go to Heaven'."

He smiled. "Maybe my Grandpa Doug is playing up there with him."

"Probably."

"Do you think your dad will play with Sabbath up there? Did he like dogs?"

I stared at the floor. "Um....I'm sure my dad will play with Sabbath. He was always nice to animals." I said my words jumbled together.

He sniffled. "Good."

I brushed some of tears off his face with my thumb. I paused leaving my hand on his cheek. "You feel a little feverish."

"I'm okay."

I patted his stomach. "Why don't you go take a shower and take a nap? That'll make you feel a lot better."

He sat up. "I guess. Did the hotel provide shampoo and soap?"

"Nope." I flipped on the television. "Anything good on TV this time of day?"

"I don't know. My brother and I always watch cartoons," he replied rummaging through his suitcase throwing a sweatshirt and pair flannel pajama pants on his bed.

I scanned through the channels. "News, news, news....." I stopped at a sketch comedy show. I cringed staring at the screen as the actor proceeded to hump a teddy bear in a toy store while screaming 'don't hybernate on me now!'

"Sick! Jamie Foxx is seriously messed up. I hate that guy." I commented changing the station.

Nick continued to search through his belongings. "Why?"

"Because he has no class at all. He doesn't even respect himself."

"Oh."

I gave him a quick glance. "What are you looking for?"

He smiled sheepishly. "I forgot shampoo and soap."

I smirked. "You goofball. You can use mine, I left it on the sink."

He grabbed his clothes. "Thanks."

"And don't use it all up!" I shouted.

He shut the door. "Okay."

********************************

Another hour had passed. Nick and I had been watching a Looney Tunes marathon for the passed sixty minutes in silence.

I searched through the bag of food and drinks we had brought along for the drive to New York. "I'm hungry. You want a sandwich?"

He shook his head. "No thanks."

I lifted a HI-C juice box into my hand. "Would you like a drink?"

"No," he whispered pulling the ends of his sweatshirt over his hands.

I lifted an eyebrow. "You okay, kid?"

"I'm just cold."

I took a bite of my peanut butter sandwich. "Why don't you get under the covers?"

He shrugged pulling the blankets back. "Okay."

I pushed the small red straw into the HI-C box. "Here, drink this."

The youth pushed his legs under the covers. "I'm not thristy."

I rolled my eyes. "Just sip it when you want it then. You need the vitamins."

"I'm not sick."

"Drink it and it'll stay that way," I stated grabbing a drink for myself.

"Kevin?" he whined.

"What, Nick?"

"I don't like grape HI-C. You got cherry, can I have yours' instead?"

I pushed the drink into his palm. "Whatever."

I returned my attention to the TV watching the Coyote chase the Road Runner with all his might. "I don't get this cartoon," I commented.

Nick looked up at me. "It's a cartoon, not a math problem. It's not even real." He bit his lip. "The Coyote can fall off a cliff and get back up...he's an animal that can't die."

I watched him speechlessly. Funny how one moment can change your permanent outlook on someone. He wasn't a stupid, uncaring kid...Perhaps I had perceived him just as all the others band members had done with me. I wasn't uncaring or lacking emotional consideration, neither was Nick.

I glanced at the screen happy to see the Coyote had been replaced by Porky Pig. Nick seemed to relax watching the ricidulous piece of pork farming his crop stuttering as he planted each seed.

I sighed. "You wanna' get out of here? See something other than talking animation?"

"No. I don't feel like going anywhere."

"Okay, just thought I'd offer."

"Thanks," he replied dully.

I grabbed the novel I had been reading. I settled myself on the cot opening the book.

"When will Brian be back?" Nick asked coughing lightly.

I looked up from my novel. "I'm not sure. You need something?"

"No." He returned his attention to the screen.

My eyes met the pages of the novel scanning across the lettering.

'Perhaps I was alone, maybe I wanted to be. I didn't even have the answer. Anytime I was near someone I couldn't concentrate on being happy, only the hell I called life.'

I was distracted by Nick coughing again. "Are you sure you're okay, kid?"

He crossed his arms. "I'm fine! Just fi-" his words were cut off as he coughed once more.

"Sure you are," I replied sarcastically. I tossed a bag of cough drops at him. "Here."

"I don't need them and lemon cough drops are gross!"

I rolled my eyes. "I was just offering it."

He sipped his juice. "Thanks, I guess."

"Why don't you take a nap?"

"I don't need cough drops and I don't need a nap."

I massaged my brow. Why was I even bothering with the juvenile? It seemed pointless. "Whatever you say, Nick, I just think you might be catching a cold."

I returned to my reading.

'I was use to the loneliness, I knew nothing else. I deliberately pushed people away. I didn't want to get close. I didn't want or need friends. I was one alone in my own little world. I began to notice that many people don't care. When someone says 'how are you?' They expect you to reply 'fine' or 'okay'. Answer any other way and they'll look at you as if you are a mutant compared to everyday society. I was better off fending for myself not giving anyone else a chance to ask, so, I wouldn't have to lie in my response.'

I lifted my eyes from the text. The words lining the pages sounded as if they were my own. "A damn autiobiography," I whispered glancing at the cover. 'One Alone' an author's name wasn't given. I sighed. "Most depressing book I've ever read, no wonder no one's wants to claim it."

I looked over to the television screen watching Bugs Bunny run away from Elmer Fudd. I went from one extreme to the other- depressing words to nonsense animation. It was almost how I felt here. Happy one moment, sad the next.

I rolled my eyes as the Coyote and Road Runner returned into view. "Nick, could we please change the channel?" I paused awaiting his whining response. "Nick?"

I saw the small boy sleeping with his chest rising up and down as he quietly breathed burying his face into the bed.

I sighed standing over and walking to him. Wasn't this the child that said he 'didn't need a nap'?  I pulled the blankets over him.

"Hmmm?" he moaned sightly waking up as I lifted the blankets to his chin.

"Shhh, just go back to sleep."

He yawned his eyes still closed. "I'm not sleepy."

I patted his back. "Sure you're not. Are you sure you feel okay?"

"Hmmm..." was his only reply.

I rested my hand on his brow. He definitely had a mild fever but nothing to fear. I now was regretting not going with the others. Now, I was stuck with a sick kid. Correction: a sick kid who believed himself to be 'fine'.

I shut off the lamp lying down on my cot. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him clutching a small picture in his hand. I squinted to make out the blurry image. Once my eyes had focused I recongized the picture as Nick's beloved Sabbath. The black dog towered over Nick's small form in the picture slobbering against his face. The kid really loved the drooling mutt. A mutt that in his eyes was a friend- part of the family. I stopped staring at the picture as I felt tears forming in my eyes.

First, I talk to myself in bathrooms and now I was crying for a dog I had only seen on few occasions. If my older brothers knew about this they would torment me until the day I die.......The day I die............

I shook my head clearing my thoughts. I crawled under the covers shutting my eyes. I needed a nap as much as Nick did.

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