Chapter Ten: Devil with the Red Suit on
I was a nervous wreck. It was the first Backstreet wedding, I was in a suit, I had to say something at the reception, I was dating a man. Just your normal wedding jitters.
I should have been more together. After all Cladius (yes, Claudius) had informed me that I “looked MARVELOUS” in the color Mike and I had chosen for outfit coordination. This was more complicated than I had ever imagined. I mean, you pick a color and go with it, right? Wrong. You have to pick a color that “compliments both of you”, as in skin tones, hair color, and even personality. To top it off one of us was a winter and one a spring, damn the luck.
But Cladius was up to the challenge. I knew this from the moment I met him. His tailor shop had a gladiator in the window. He SAID it was a costume (he also does parties) but I had my doubts. Too many “sword” and “weapon” references. And did I mention there wasn’t a bit of hardware around? Just me and Mike in our shorts. You do the math.
We chose a “luminous” blue for our shits (it brought out both our eyes) and charcoal gray suits (black, apparently, makes me look jaundice). Shoes to match and silk ties. I was going to Kevin’s wedding as a gay Doublement Twin.
We arrived early, Mike likes to be on time. Actually I thought it was a good idea as it gave us time to find a place to sit that was not so...obvious. I wanted KEVIN to notice our attire, not anyone else. Of course a wedding is perfect for this, who the hell was going to be looking at me? AJ.
AJ never notices you if you want him to. I could be on fire, screaming my head off and AJ would comment: “Nickers! Peeling black skin looks good on you. Where are the drinks?” But try to avoid AJ’s gaze, such as when you are borrowing his CD without his knowledge, and he was all over you like a fly on trash.
Another concern was AJ’s “gaydar.” Seriously. AJ can spot, smell, SOMETHING, a gay man at five hundred paces. No way in Hades was he going to buy this. So, it was either avoid AJ at all costs, or I was going to have to do something drastic to convince him. Like say, have Mike’s child.
As it turned out Kevin and Kristen had reserved seating for us. Perhaps they wanted Kevin’s “brothers” up front to share in this miraculous moment. Perhaps Kevin wanted to feel our support and love. Perhaps he wanted to keep and eye on us and be damned sure we didn’t screw up the ceremony. I vote for the latter. You may believe that is cynical, but then you have never been to a formal occasion with us. Howie is usually fine, and since his engagement to Leigh Anne,Warrier Princess, Brian had calmed down a considerable amount. AJ and I are another story, and I still claim it’s not my fault Howie’s hair caught fire. AJ was the one smoking. I was just the one slapping the disgusting things out of AJ’s hands. How was I to know they would land on Howie’s head? And how was I to know all that gunk was flammable? It’s not like he’s Michael Jackson.
By the way, if you never have the chance to see it, Kevin can really hurdle a table in order to retrieve a punch bowl. I’m sure Howie was more thankful than he let on.
Michael decided to sit with me, because that was the plan, which meant AJ was going to get an eyeful. Oh God, what am I going to have to do to pull this off?
Speaking of the devil, and for a moment I thought I was, there was AJ, decked out in red and black - which I thought was a strange choice for a wedding - with his hair...upswept? Looked a bit like horns.
I’m beginning to understand those comments Leigh Anne keeps making about us “stealing the show” at her wedding. To be frank I think being concerned that we would sing at her reception is overstepping the bounds a bit. For one, what if we had planned to write a special song, just for her and Frick? OK, we didn’t, but what if we had? In reality she was probably frightened we’d sing a more appropriate tune, like “Money, Money, Money” - of which she sure was spending quite a bit. I hope our next CD sells well. I’d hate to see Brian on a street corner with a tin-can.
“Hey Nick...hey Mike.” AJ did sound a bit surprised to see Mike with me instead of in the family pew, but I can’t count on that getting me anywhere. We have to do something, but we also know we must be discreet. Attention, attention all wedding participants. This is your five minute warning. Phase two of “Nick is Trying the Other Side of the Buttered Bread” is about to commence.
The ceremony only lasted twenty fun filled minutes. It was quite beautiful, I’ve been told, but at the time I was too freaked to pay much attention. At one point Kevin started to cry, and this stunned me. I’m usually the blubbered of the group. But in no time at all it was over - Kevin was a married man. I thought it wouldn’t make any difference, but instantly my life felt altered. I’m not even sure I can explain that, it just did. It was like Kevin really was a grown-up now, on an entirely different level. I have no idea why this feeling hit me, and so hard, but I also knew I wouldn’t feel the same when Brian got hitched.
The reception was onsite so we didn’t have to rush to get somewhere, which I was thankful for. That just makes the situation more tense, and as it was now time to put my mission into action I had enough to deal with. Little did I know how quickly it would begin.
Michael and I exited through a side door of the church which had been used by the family. We hung back a bit to allow Kevin and Kristin’s mom and dad time to talk to them before the rush. As we waited in the hallway I became concerned we had taken the wrong door and were suppose to be somewhere else. Michael volunteered to check out the situation, so I waited alone in the hall.
I thought about what I was about to do, and the timing of my actions. Kevin might have this coming but I didn’t want it to have any impact on his honeymoon. For one thing I really was happy for him and wanted him to have a good time. For another, if I ruined Kevin’s honeymoon, even to the slightest degree, I would pay. It might be tomorrow, it might be next week, it might not be until my honeymoon, but I would pay.
As I was occupied by these thoughts I didn’t notice Michael’s return until he grasped my arm. I looked up into his flushed face.
“Nick, I remember in some magazine you kissed AJ on the cheek, right?” Mike glanced behind him.
“Yea?” Did he think I should be doing this with AJ? Man NO ONE was going to believe AJ was considering being gay...not even if they caught him in bed in the act.
“OK, good. This is going to be great, trust me and just go with the flow.” What the hell is he talking about? “Here goes..” And with that Michael leaned in....and kissed me. Right on the cheek, thank you very much. Not too fast, not too slow. Sort of gentle.
For a moment I was too shocked to react, what was he up to? But then, just as I turned to put this question to him - or punch his lights out, I saw...AJ. AJ, who had turned the corner just in time to catch an eyeful of the lost Nick and Mike in a very intimate, personal moment. Oh my God, it was perfect.
“HI AJ!” In unison. We were better at it than AJ and Howie!
“Uh...” And there it was...STOP THE PRESSES! Nick, blond, bland, comic reading, stay at home Nick...Mr. NOT Excitement, had startled AJ. “I was sent to get you guys...I thought...” What’s the matter AJ? Shock got your tongue? “I mean you need to be out here Nick. Come on.” And with that AJ stepped forward, took my arm and PULLED me away. I glanced back over my shoulder in time to catch Mike’s “thumbs up.” We had done it! Phase one was complete! Successful! Phase two was on it’s way.
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