Chapter Eleven: Mike Could Whack Ya.
We were seated at the Backstreet table, as I guess Kevin’s theory of keeping us out of trouble extended to the reception. As it turned out ours was next to the “minor” relatives, such as Aunt Abbey who taught ninth grade to “ungrateful heathens” (she was none to pleased to discover I had a GED), Uncle Bus with his bum knee, and Aunt Edina, who could really pack away the champagne. Mike was no where in sight.
I noticed that AJ was keeping an eye on me. Everyone else noticed as well. It was rather obvious, with him following me to the bathroom. I mean, men don’t usually go to the restroom in a gaggle, women do. And you know I’ve always wondered what it is women do in a group. Do they need encouragement? (Go Susie! You can do it!) Do they check out the quality of the paper? (Use this stall, it has Charmin.) Whatever it is I think it’s safe to say that AJ had a different purpose.
On our way back to the table I did a quick search for Michael. Just my luck AJ caught me and gave me a “what the hell are you doing” look. I blushed, mostly from feeling a bit guilty at starting this at Kevin’s reception, but AJ took it another way, and that turned out to be all good.
Once we were at the table I had the feeling that AJ would prefer I’d make a run for it, thereby giving him an excuse to chase me down and beat the crap out of me. One, it would reduce the stress that had been building since the scene at Kevin’s, and two, it would have been less agonizing than what we were subjected to. Leigh Anne was in deep wedding mode, and life just wasn’t worth living.
“...and that’s not the cake Kristin really wanted, but the man didn’t have time to do the sugar flowers.” Rub it in Leigh Anne. “I feel so BAD for her, not having the wedding she really wanted.” Go girl, ooze that sympathy. “AND the designer didn’t have the time to make the dress she wanted, so she just had to make do....”
“That’s her Grandmother’s dress.” Hello? Did I say that?
“Excuse me?” Leigh Anne looked quite put upon. I like it when she looks like that.
“That’s her Grandmother’s dress. She asked about wearing it from the very start. The designer was only called in to alter it. I think it looks very nice.” Nick you are so going to burn in hell.
“Um...oh.” Everyone was looking at Leigh Anne, and good for them. She was looking embarrassed, and good for her.
“Would anyone like more champagne?” No thank you waiter, but could you dump that bucket of ice over that woman? Someone needs to cool her down. Her mouth’s been running hot all day.
“Yes.” Almost everyone answered at once. Getting drunk is one way to cover an embarrassing situation.
I decided to take my glass and go in search of peace, or a place where “my wedding will be better than this one - or anyone else’s for that matter” was absent. AJ, funny enough, decided to tag along.
“I didn’t know that was her Grandmother’s.”
“It could be.” Time to come clean.
“Nick...are you saying..”
“I’m saying it COULD be her Grandmother’s, I don’t know that it isn’t.” So there.
AJ drank his glass in one gulp and flagged down a waiter. Fortification is often necessary when dealing with Nick logic.
“You made that up?”
“Only if it’s not her Grandmother’s, and I ....”
“Don’t know that it’s not.” He covered his face with one hand, but not for long. You can’t drink that way. “OK. She was being a....”
“...bit bitchy?” Go Nick Go. Besides, men like me are well versed in that word. And speaking of that... “I wonder where Mike is setting?” Might as well make good use of my time.
“...ugh...” AJ choked on his drink and began coughing. Ever helpful I decided to whack him on the back. “Thanks.....Thanks...Thanks Nick...Tha...YOU CAN STOP NOW!”
“Sorry. Just wanted to help.” Look innocent. It might save you.
“Fine. Yea, listen, about Mike. I was talking to Kevin...and um...Nick?”
“Yea?”
“Did you know...” AJ looked at the table nearest us, the flowers, the floor, anywhere but at me. “...that he’s...”
“Yea!” AJ choked again. “And it’s a good thing too, with you choking all over the place.”
“WHAT!” AJ did not look happy.
“He would know what to do, other than whack you.”
“NICK!”
“Him being a medical student. I mean he would know what to do other than whack you on the back!” Better safe than flatter than a pancake.
“Medical student?” AJ looked relieved, near death, but relieved.
“Yea, Mike’s a medical student. Didn’t Kevin tell you?” Man, this was fun!
“No.” Poor AJ. He must be getting old. I had to help him back to the table.
“Hey guys!”
“MIKE!” Man, am I glad to see you.
“Mike?” Man, is AJ sorry to see you.
“Y’all on the way back to your table?” I nodded. AJ slumped against me. “I’d wait. Some dork told Leigh Anne that Kristen’s dress was her Grandmother’s. I have no idea where that came from.”
Let’s see. I want a white coffin, blue lining - to match my eyes, maybe Cladius will can help - a gray suit (no black ‘cause who wants to look jaundice at their own funeral?)...
“Nick? You OK?”
“He’s fine.” AJ had managed to gather enough strength to place himself between me and Michael.
I found this quite entertaining, but I was also a bit surprised. AJ is probably the most open minded guy in the group, he honestly thinks live and let live...just don’t do it in his hot-tub. So his sudden concern for my sexuality was unanticipated. I just wanted him to pass it on to Kevin, I wasn’t expecting big brother instincts. Maybe it’s because he knows I’m not gay...if I were gay it would be fine, but being converted is out of the question. Only time will tell, onward.
“You looked a little spaced-out. Is everything all right?” Yes, until Leigh Anne finds me.
“I’m the dork.” AJ says I should have been Catholic with my tendency to confess. Once he had me go to confession for him. Later I learned this was a sin and freaked for about a week. The way Howie explained it I was going to be struck dead at any moment and burn in hell for all eternity. I finally had the smarts to check the information with Brian, who told me to calm down, that God would take it out on AJ and not to let him lead me astray. Kevin told me not to worry because we had too many dates to do for God to let me die. I was more comforted by Kevin’s explanation than Brian’s.
“You? Oh man. She’s....”
“About to shit a brick?” I have always wanted to say that in reference to Leigh Anne. I saw no reason to pass up my chance.
“Nick! Be quiet! The guests might hear you!”
“Yes, oh wise one in the red suit with sixth glass of champagne.”
“Why don’t you come back to my table for a while?” Mike had obviously heard of Leigh Anne’s infamous torture-revenge abilities. “I can introduce you to my Mom.” Later Mike would say that he was just saying that in passing, after all his Mom WAS at his table. But heavens, the timing was perfect.
“Sure...”
“NO!” All eyes were on AJ, and I do mean all. At least all from the tables surrounding us. “I mean, um...Nick has to help me with Kevin’s surprise.” Kevin’s surprise? What surprise? “Come one Nick...” AJ yanked me so hard I dropped my glass. “We’ll see ya later, Mike!”
The rest of the evening was a bust. AJ took me to a table with Carol, the woman Kevin and Kristen had planned to set me up with. I have no idea how people pick “set ups” but it is certainly not by a setties personality. Carol was nice, very nice, very very very nice,and that’s about all I have to say. “Gee, he’s so NICE!” She really liked AJ. “This is so NICE!” She really liked the flowers. “This taste so NICE!” She really, really liked the champagne. Kevin should have set her up with Aunt Edina.
After twenty minutes of NICE I couldn’t take any more. As it turned out neither could Carol. She wound up purging the champagne in the flower arrangements. I offered to take her home, which she thought was so NICE, but her parents were also at the wedding and decided that their precious (and drunk) daughter was safer with them. Like I was going to take advantage of her. I would never do such a thing, and I sure as hell wouldn’t do it to someone covered in puke!
AJ had deserted me sometime after Carol decided I was NICE and before the table flowers reeked. Once she was escorted off I was free to roam as I chose. As Kevin and Kristen were now honeymoom bound I chose to leave. Leigh Anne had other plans.
“Leaving?” Damn, I had almost made it.
“Yes, I’m tired and thought I’d call it a night.”
“I see. Kristin asked me to make sure her dress got back OK, so I guess I’ll retreive it.” Yep, there’s that “you are dead meat” smile. “Maybe I should give it to her Grandmother.”
“Why? Is she getting married?” I knew it would take her a minuite or two to react, Leigh Anne has never been good with Nick logic. Deciding that a ferious Leigh Anne behind me was better than a fuming one before me I made my escape.
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