Chapter Twenty Three: What Love Does
Michael waited for Kevin. They had a long talk, none of which I was privy to. He left just before dinner, nothing anyone said could change his mind.
I sipped my chicken broth and contemplated the past few days. I had to do something, put things to rights, but considering how I had made the current mess I wasn’t sure I was qualified. Maybe they have experts for this.
“Nick?” Kevin. He paused at the threshold. Either he was waiting for an invitation or checking out the sanitary conditions. Probably a little of both.
“Yea?”
“Can I come in?”
“Sure!” I was so glad he was there. I was so upset that he was there. I was so excited he was there. I was so scared he was there. Talk about being mixed up.
“How ya feeling?” He approached the bed slowly, more slowly than he speaks. Gently, as if I was made of fine crystal and might shatter, he sat on the edge. He looked terrible. Blood-shot eyes, rumpled clothes, right hand bandaged.
“Better.” Time to face the music. “Kevin...”
“No, me.”
“Sorry?”
“Nick!” Kevin half-sighed and half-laughed. “I wanted to say that first!”
“Sorry? You wanted to say...”
“That I’m sorry! I am Nick. I’m sorry.” Well. What does one do in a case such as this? It had never happened before, not when I had started the trama.
“Kevin I started...”
“Not really, just this episode.”
“But ... I messed up...”
“Damn it Nick!”
“And so did you.” There. I said it. I’d say it again if I was still alive. Apparently my heart had arrested due to fear.
This statement had the most interesting impact on Kevin. His face went blank (I hear that serial killers have blank faces.), he raised both eyebrows (Good. That takes so much energy it’s a fair bet he doesn’t have enough left to kill me.), he leaned over me (Intimidation tactic.), and he laughed. He laughed. Really, really hard. Did he really think that was funny? Had I finally pushed him over the edge? Why was he wearing his hair like that? Looked like a rag mop that hadn’t been washed in a week.
“Kevin I meant to say ..”
“Just what you did, and you’re right. We both screwed up Nick. It took both of us to get it to this place.” Dear God, he understood. Or I understood. Wait, we both understood! Now if I just knew what it was that we understood.... “I started it Nick.” Kevin was much calmer now, and apparently decided I wasn’t going to break. He shifted his position on the bed and sat next to me, Indian style. Just like Michael. If Kevin says he “likes” me I’m outta here. “I started it at the wedding, what I did about Mandy. It was wrong Nick, and it hurt you.” No shit. “I never meant to hurt you.” Oh don’t do that! “I wanted to help, baby.” NO NO NO! “I’m sorry.” Well, hell. Fine, I’ll blame the tears on the drugs. “Nick! You aren’t crying, are you?”
“No.” Hell no. My eyes have sprung a leak. Call a plumber.
“Oh baby, don’t.” Kevin dug in his pocket for his handkerchief and held it out to me. I guess he wanted me to wipe my face with it, but he can guess again. I’ve seen him blow his nose on them and then...then...he puts them BACK in his pocket! Gross.
“I have tissues.” Sent home from the hospital. I have noticed that they are in every room at the hospital. Even if you are they to have an in-grown toe-nail cut you get a box of tissues.
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t.” Kevin raised one eyebrow. “Not really. I mean... Kevin you said just what I wanted to, no needed to hear. That I didn’t screw this up all on my own.”
“I know.” Kevin smiled and squeezed my arm. “Nick, you never do. Someone else is always a co-screwer.” That sounds dirty. I’m not sure but I think it’s not nice. “It’s either your mom, Mandy, or me. We are the usual culprits.”
“But I’m always in the mix, on way or another. What does that say about me?”
“That your life is so damn interesting we just can keep our hands off it?” This time I got to laugh.
“I don’t think so. I think it says ... I think it says that I’m not that good at solving my problems.”
“Nick...”
“No, my turn.” I rolled to my side so I could look him in the face without sitting up. “I have been thinking it over and ....” Time to chicken out.
“And?”
“And I like it when you interfere.” Both eyebrows were at full mast again. “I think I put myself in situations where I know you will butt in.”
“Why? And if so why get mad when I do?” The one-million dollar question.
“Because it’s easier to blame you for interfering, for butting in, than to solve the problem. Because it’s easier to blame you when your solutions don’t work than use my own and blame myself when they don’t. Kevin, I’m not very good at solving my own problems.”
“Shit.” I had shocked him.
“It’s just the way I am...”
“Don’t start that. Don’t. It’s not just the way you are. And Nick you solve lot’s of problems!”
“Name one.” Good thing I’m on five day bed rest and have no where to go.
“Well... you did get your mom to get off Mandy’s back ...” He noticed the look on my face. “... you didn’t get your mom to get off Mandy’s back?”
“Nope. It’s just more private now. Messages left on voice mail, stuff like that. Just not public.”
“Oh. Well .... you left Mandy at home for the wedding! You took a stand .... you didn’t take a stand?” My face gives away everything.
“Mandy decided not to come. It wasn’t my decision.”
“Oh. Well...” So far he was bating a thousand. “You...you...shit.” And there you have it.
“See? It’s the way I am Kevin! I’m just not good ...”
“Maybe you’re not, but it’s not just the way you are! You going to blame it on genetics now?” Sounds good to me. “Maybe it has more to do with the fact that your mom AND your dad never let you make a single damn decision. Maybe it’s because we were always jumping in, and usually me, and making your decisions before you had a chance to. Maybe it’s because when you did make a decision there were four of us to your one and we often vetoed what you wanted. Maybe we taught you to be dependent.”
“Maybe.” Hey, I’m willing to compromise. And, miracle of miracles, I got another laugh from Kevin. “So, what do we do?”
“Well,” Kevin sighed. “we have to work this out, together!”
“Sounds good.”
“Michael says we could start with two simple tactics. One, I should learn to give advice, not orders. And two, you should learn to ask for advice and use us as sounding boards, but not as decision makers.”
“Michael has some sound advice, but how do we go about it?”
“Practice, and if we need it we’ll talk to someone, and expert or something.”
“An expert?” I didn’t like the sound of that.
“NOT Dr. Prade! Chill, man!” Another laugh. It was turning out to be a good day.
“OK, not Dr. Prade.” I looked closely at Kevin. “You look tired.”
“I’m beat.”
“You need a nap. You should take a nap.”
“No one else is taking a nap.” And I swear on my mother’s grave (and yes that’s a joke) he pouted.
“Baby!” So there. “I’ll take a nap too.”
“Fine. Scoot over.” He flopped, gently, next to me after kicking off his shoes. I offered him the top blanket (AJ seemed to think I needed five of them, one for each member of the band, I guess.). “Thanks.”
“Kevin?”
“Yea?” He yawned.
“Are things cool between you and Michael?”
“Yea. Things are going to be fine. Now get some sleep baby.”
I did, eventually. I watched him for a little bit, like he use to do when I was still a kid and sick. He looks younger in his sleep, younger than me. His forehead smoothed out, which surprised me. I hadn’t realized how tense his face was, maybe always was. I was part of that tension, not the only cause but a major one. But things were going to be different. I could feel it, I just knew. Things were going to be better between Kevin and I. Not monumentally different, but better. I would always be a source of tension for him, just as he would be one for me. That’s all a part of love.
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