Chapter Twenty-Five: This is Who I Am.

Scene One: Rehearsal Dinner

Brian was being very nice to me, which had the added bonus of pissing off Leigh Anne. It was, after all, her week (A day wasn’t enough for Miss Thing.) and I was getting too much attention. Strike one.

I had discovered that Brian was being so “best-friendish” because he had his ass chewed royally for not coming to the hospital when I was ill. Funny thing was it wasn’t Kevin who did the chewing. He was simply giving Brian his “you disgust me and don’t try and talk to me right now” look. AJ just dropped hints.

“Hey Bri, look at this thing on my neck. I wonder if I’ll need surgery. Never mind, I’ll go find someone who gives a damn.” Oh, that AJ!

It turned out that Howie, yes Mr. Mild Manner, had gone mid-evil on Brian. According to AJ, who didn’t have the foresight to tape the auspices occasion, Howie called Brian a skany friend. He also informed Brain that he was “whipped”, had an “enormous ball and chain” that, by the way, “had bigger balls than Brian.” I wish I could have seen the look on Brian’s face. I wish I could have seen the look on AJ’s face. I really wish I could have seen the look on Howie’s face when he realized what he said.

Anyway, we were all being very “nice” to one another at the rehearsal dinner. None of the BSB were in the wedding (Perish the thought! Leigh Anne would contract the vapors.) but we did get to come to the rehearsal dinner. There we met many of Brian’s relatives (Some of which were not related to Kevin. How strange.) all of whom were sweet and thoughtful, just like Brian use to be. We also met many of Leigh Anne’s relatives. My mother once told me “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything”, so enough said. I will say that I have never, and remember I have been to the Grammys, seen that many tacky, trashy outfits on so many women at one event. Subtle is not a Wallace trait.

And speaking of tacky, trashy...

“Nick. Nice to see you.” Translation: you JERK.

“Hello Leigh Anne. Lovely outfit.” Translation: You look like a whore and you have on slut make-up.

“I’m glad you could make it.” Translation: I wish your plane had crashed.

“So am I. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” I would rather be attacked my an ice-pick welding crazy and then bathed in rubbing alcohol than have to watch you show of your “I HAVE A HUGH DIAMOND AND YOU DON’T” ring another time. Really, 36 times in half-an-hour is my limit.

“Don’t forget to sign the guest book.” If you are capable of writing your own name, which I doubt.

“I will.” Eat hot death you skank.

It’s memories like this that I live for. And speaking of memories...

“Hey Nick.”

“MICHAEL!” It was Michael. Michael was there, er...here. “Michael.”

“Been hanging with Howie?”

“Uh...oh, no!” I knew that was funny for some reason, but it was beyond me to remember what it could be.

“OK.” He gave me the patented “Nick has lost what was left of his mind” look. He should give that back to Kevin before he is sued. “Well, I just wanted to say Hi! Hi!”

“Hi yourself!” Think Nick, think. You’ve done it once or twice. Come on boy, you can do it. “I have to meet AJ.” AJ who?

“Yea, I have to go myself. I’ll see ya after the wedding.”

“Sure. After the wedding.” And right after I have this lobotomy reversed.

Scene Two: The Wedding

I sat (In the far back. Unlike Kevin Leigh Anne didn’t want us up front. Perhaps she didn’t think we would cause a disturbance. Perhaps she didn’t want us to steal the show. Perhaps she couldn’t stand the sight of us. You decide.) between AJ, who was in black and white this time (He said he was in morning.) and Mandy. Yes, Mandy. Strike two.

“Hey, Aje?”

“Shhhhh.” For some reason Mandy thought we should be paying attention to the ceremony.

“Yea?” We couldn’t hear it back here anyway.

“Who’s that with Michael?” I’m just wondering.

“Some guy named Paul David, or something.” Oh. I see. Paul David. Who just happened to be Michael’s ex.

No, I wasn’t jealous, but I was concerned. I thought back to the hotel conversation concerning Paul David and how Michael had finally learned to stand on his own two feet. So why was he back with him? Had I driven him to this? Did I have that power? Did I possess that type of magnetism? Could I possibly stay within the realm of reality? Hell no. It’s no damn fun.

The wedding, after enough time to service my car, wash all the windows in my house, and built a bridge that would span the Atlantic, concluded. Thank God. Most of the people around me were asleep, including AJ. Mandy thought it was rude to sleep during the ceremony. AJ asked her if Leigh Anne and Brian had exchanged traditional vows.

“How would I know? I was reading a book. But I wasn’t sleeping.” So there.

“What book?”

“One-hundred-and-one-ways to make your boyfriend's friends like you.”

“No shit?” AJ was already laughing.

“No shit.” And she showed him the book. That stopped AJ, which is damned near impossible. It also got his attention. He might not like Mandy but, at least for now, he was intrigued.

We had to move to another venue for the reception. No way was Leigh Anne having it in the hall adjacent to the church. That would mean no Limousines to cart the guest (See how much money I spent on you!) no chandaliers on the ceiling (see how much money I spent on us!). But, with any luck, it would mean that Nick would get lost. No such luck. I had Mandy to guide me and if nothing else that girl had a wonderful sense of direction.

Scene Three: The Reception

I waited until AJ had Mandy in a conversation about the book (He really was interested. Personally I think he was just scouting out the principles she might apply from the text to gain his “favor”. In that way he would be prepared to deflect them.) and Howie was making, you guessed it, a phone call. He brought that damn cell to the reception. I wish, I wish it had gone off during the wedding. It turned out that it had, but Howie had the ringer off. He had put the phone on silent vibrate. At least that explained that very happy face he made during the third song.

“I’m gonna get some more food.” Leigh Anne had chosen the smallest ‘h ‘orderves in the universe. AJ kept sticking his cheesepuffs together in order to make one a size worth eating.

“Bring us all back something. Man this is skimpy.” Well, she did have that cake that must have cost $20,000 if it cost a dime. That’s why it had not been cut yet. You simply MUST let everyone ogle something of that nature (Or something that far out of nature.).

“Sure. More cheesepuffs?”

“Yea. About 136 of them should do.”

“No problem.” At their size I could carry them in my front pockets and not receive one single comment.

Of course I had no intention of getting food, at least not right away. I found my real motive on the other side of the room sitting by himself.

“Hey Mike!”

“Hey Nick, how are you this evening.” Translation: Are you going to be a freak again?

“I’m doing great. Mind if I sit for a spell?” Translation: Sorry for the country and for being a jerk.

“I’d like that.” I forgive you.

“Thanks.” Thanks for forgiving me. “So, what’s new with you?” There. An opening you could put an elephant through.

“Not much.” I guess Michael didn’t possess an elephant.

“Are you here alone?” Excuse me while I pry.

“Not actually.” What the hell did that mean?

“What the hell does that mean?” Opps. I spoke allowed. Blame it on the blondness and go forth. “Sorry.”

“It’s OK.” Michael smiled. “I’m with Paul David. We’re back together.”

“I see.” Translation: I don’t see.

“It’s good Nick. This time it’s different.” Translation: Who the hell are you to question me you Mandy taker-her-back-er.

“That’s good.” My ass.

“Really Nick. I took a cue from you and Kevin.”

“You’ve ...”

“Been seeing a counselor for about two months. It’s really helped and things are better than ever.”

“Do you love him?” HELLO Mr. Blurt.

“What a thing to ask! Why would I be with him if ... Nick, you don’t think this is a rebound thing, do you.” Excuse me while I turn the color of Leigh Anne’s slut blush.

“No.” Yes.

“It’s not. Sammy was.” Sammy?

“Sammy?” There goes that out loud thing again.

“Sammy. I dated him for about one week, knew it was just me trying to get over you, broke up, got on with my life and later...well, things just fell into place.” And my place no longer exist. I’m not jealous or anything. It’s just the first time I’ve been replaced. And damn quickly too.

“I’m glad. Really.” Well I am!

“Yea, right. Just like I’m glad to see you with Mandy when we both know you deserve better.” Some things never change.

“Sure, whatever.”

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No. One thing I liked about you was that you would always say it like it was. Well, except for that liking me thing.”

“Yea. Man, I wished I had a picture of your face when I told you! You looked just like my Aunt Gene when her bloomer fell down in the middle of Wal-Mart.”

“That good, huh?”

“Better. She wears a size 29.” Oh my.

It was good to laugh, and it was even better to do it with Michael. I was about to do the “let’s be friends” thing when someone tugged on my sleeve.

“Bishyboo.” Excuse me? “Bishyboo.” Bishyboo who?

“Hey baby!”

I turned from Michael to the sleeve tugger, who turned out to be the cutest 22 month old I had ever seen. Blond hair, blue oh-so-very blue eyes.

“Bishyboo.” Who apparently had me confused with some famous ghost.

“Sorry.” Paul David was all smiles and explanations. “Bishyboo means man.”

“And drink, and bed, and funny, and car and whatever else she wants!” Michael was laughing as he explained. “She had a limited vocabulary.”

“Da-da.” She did, it seemed, have a second word. Da-da. Which she used for Michael.

“Da da?”

Michael never batted an eye. He scooped up the blond lovely and gave her a warm hug.

“Nick, I would like you to meet my daughter, Janie. Janie, say hello to Nick!”

“Bishyboo!” So two words it was.

“You have a...” One of those female children things?

“Yes. I mean, Paul and I do.”

“You and Paul?” OK. I’m blond, but I’m not stupid. I do know where babies come from. Kevin gave me this book once.

“Actually,” Paul thought it was OK to sit by me. He might want to re-think that. “She’s Michael's biological daughter. I adopted her last month.” I see.

“I see.”

“Paul, and you take her to get some cake? I see they’re cutting it now.”

“Sure. Bye Nick.” Translation: You better not be here when I get back.

“Nick...”

“Hey, whatever.” I stood up and walked away. I had no idea why but I was so mad I couldn’t see straight.

“Nick!” Michael grabbed my arm. “Don’t walk away from me.”

“If you don’t mind I’d rather not repeat a famous Richardson moment.” I was still walking.

“Damn it Nick! You have no right to be upset with me!” Michael followed. Looking back on it we really should have paid attention where we were going.

“Upset? What makes you think I’m upset?” I always speak through clenched teeth. It helps exercise the jaw muscles.

“I didn’t tell you about her because ...”

“Hey, it’s none of my business.”

“Damn it Nick! I didn’t tell you...”

“I don’t care.” I kept going, but Michael had enough of my childish behavior and decided to exhibit some of his own. He grabbed my arm again, this time in a strangle hold, turned me around and let me have it.

“I didn’t tell you because who the hell wants to court someone with their child? You would have run so damn fast ...” It was at this point that we realized where we were. It could have been the sudden hush of the voices surrounding us that clued us in. It could have been the looks the guest were giving us. Then again it might have been all those camera that had been filming the happy bride and groom cutting their cake...right behind us. It seems we had managed to step in front of this precious wedding moment at the hight of it’s importance. And now it was recorded for all time.

What to do, what to do. We turned to see Brain, with a look of complete and utter surprise on his face, and Leigh Anne, with murder in her eyes. She had almost made it, she had almost cut us completely from her wedding. If I hadn’t been so embarrassed I would have laughed. But I didn’t. I didn’t do anything. Leigh Anne didn’t do anything. Michael didn’t do anything. Brian didn’t do anything. For God sakes where’s AJ when you need him? Getting cheesepuffs it seems. But no matter, the situation was at the crisis point and someone was bound to do something. I just hoped Leigh Anne wasn’t armed.

That’s when he laughed. He just started laughing and then he couldn’t stop. He laughed and laughed and I thought Kevin was going to hurt himself. That set off the guest. They joined in with what I think is known as gusto. The only people not laughing were Leigh Anne, Brain, and Paul David. Oops, I’ve done it again.

Scene Four: After Reception and Next Day

Brian and Leigh Anne left shortly after the cake incident. Leigh Anne’s mother was horrified and let me know in no uncertain fashion that I had “completely ruined the most important day in her daughter’s life.” Kevin told her to lighten up. AJ told her it was the most interesting thing about the wedding. Howie told her he had used her phone to make three long-distance calls to a Paris whore house. He hadn’t, really, but it did take the heat off me.

I apologized to Brain before he left, or I tried to.

“Nick, you didn’t do that on purpose. And I guess in some strange way it paid me back for my recent behavior. I’m sorry I didn’t come when you were sick.”

“It was fine, Bri. Everyone else and their dog was there.”

“I should have been there. Or at least I should have called.”

“Well ... you were busy.” Translation: This wedding had quite a bit of shit to get together.

“Yea. I was sort of wrapped up in the details.” Translation: Leigh Anne gave me lots of shit to do. “Hey, there’s going to be a video on ET next week!”

“I’ll be sure to watch it.” Translation: I plan to have my eyes gouged out with hot pokers tomorrow, but I’m sure it will be nice. “Listen, about Michael...”

“Kevin had already told me.” Brian looked at his feet. “I wish I could have seen that. I can’t imagine him freaking out that way.” Where the hell have you been the past two years? Oh yea, with Leigh Anne.

“Brian, honey, are you ready to go?” And speaking of ...

“Sure honey. Let me tell Mom and Dad we’re about to leave, it’ll just take a sec.”

“No problem honey.”

“Well, I guess I better go...” Run for it Nick.

“Just a minute Nick.” Leigh Anne checked behind. Brian was no where to be seen.

“You just had to ruin it for me, didn’t you? You just HAD to do something to ruin my wedding!” Her face twisted up with all the hatred she felt for me, and believe me when I say it was a lot.

“I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“You NEVER do anything on purpose, do you Nick? Everything is an accident. Well I don’t buy it. You’re not the innocent guy you pretend to be. You’re spoilt little brat and let me tell you, Brian is MUCH better off without you.”

“And his life is so much better with you?” Well, she opened the door.

“You know it is. I love him Nick.”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“Which part of bullshit didn’t you understand?”

“Don’t you talk to me like that!” She was close to a shriek. “You have no right to talk to me like that!”

“Really? Then what the hell gives you the right to talk to me, to judge me, the way you do? Who died and left you God?” Leigh Anne’s face went white and I knew I had crossed the line. So what. This was the new Nick, the one that doesn’t back down. “ The reality is that you love Brian’s money. You might love him, but you wouldn’t be with him without it.”

“You bastard.” This statement was accompanied by a slap on my left cheek. For an instant she looked surprised, then she looked pleased.

“Good girl. I knew you had it in you.” Then she looked furious. “Hey Bri!” The transformation was incredible. She went from succumbs to loving, caring wife in 1.3 seconds.

“Honey?” She turned, all smiles.

“Yes, dear?” AJ loves to play along. Leigh Anne was not pleased with the game.

“Sorry! In this light he looked just like Brian. Sort of the way you actually look like a nice person on the outside.”

“I hate you.”

“I hate you double.”

“Go to hell!”

“If you’re going the other way it would be a pleasure.” I’ll be dammed. She had no comeback. That and the fact that AJ was laughing his ass off was too much for her. She exited, quickly, but not quickly enough. I had just enough time to step on the him of her dress with full-force. RIP.

“What the ... you!”

“Honey! Are you ready?” Thank you Brain.

“Bye Bri! Bye Leigh Anne!” I can pretend to be nice too.

I made my exit, AJ hot on my heels.

“Man, that was classic! I can’t believe you told her off like that!”

“My counselor says I should stand up for myself. He
would be so pleased.”

“ I know I am.” AJ was a happy man. He had finally stuck enough cheesepuffs together to make a mouthful and he had seen Leigh Anne get it in the neck. Now, if he could cap the night with sex it would be a perfect day.

“Where’s Amanda?” Might as well make this easy for him.

“Man, she caught the bouquet. She’s got Leigh Anne buggers all over herself, so she went to take a shower. I’m joining her later.” Poor Amanda. I hope she has some Lava.

“Aje, do you think Brian will ever see the other side of Leigh Anne?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Let’s see, she has the ring, the house, the car, the boat, the money, I’d say any second now.” Poor Brian. It would be a real shock to his system.

“Listen, I’ve gotta go. Are you going to be all right?”

“Yep. I’m good. Have a nice time and tell Amanda hi for me!”

“Nice time my ass. I’m having a wild time!”

I watched him disappear into the crowd but I knew where he was for some time. I could hear that diabolical laughter over everything else. I thought about returning to my table and, oh shit, remembered Mandy. What had she thought of the cake scene? I was dead. That was all there was to it. I looked and looked, but couldn’t find her. Finally Kevin convinced me to give up and I hitched a ride back to the hotel with him and Kristen. She thought the cake thing was unfortunate, but only because it put me further up on Leigh Anne’s manure list. She also thought it was as funny as all get out, but was concerned that I might be upset about embarrassing Brain at his wedding. No wonder Kevin loves her so much.

I skipped out on their invitation to have a real bite to eat with them and headed for my room. I had just closed the door when I sensed someone else in the room. Hell, Leigh Anne had hired a hit man.

“Hey Nick.” Nope. It was my own personal hit-woman.

“Hey Mandy.”

“How ya doing?”

“Listen...”

“You don’t have to explain, Nick. You don’t owe me that.”

“Yes I do. I came with you and I ...”

“Took an unsuspected opportunity to achieve closure.” Mandy had been reading my counseling session notes. “Babe, it’s fine. I wish it hadn’t been so public, but I know you didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“I didn’t. Really.”

“I know. Are you all right?”

“Yea. I’m all good.” She smiled, a real smile.

“I’m glad. I thought you might be upset.”

“No. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“You didn’t. And you didn’t embarrass me anymore than you did yourself!” That got a laugh...from both of us.

“I think I may have hurt Michael.”

“So you’ll talk to him before he leaves.”

“For all I know he’s gone.”

“Nope. He’s here until day after tomorrow. I’ve already changed our flight plans so you can see him.”

“Why?”

“Because you need to. I know how you hate to hurt people, babe.” This was another thing I knew about Mandy. She knew me. All the good, all the bad. And she loved me anyway.

“I’m so tired.” Suddenly I could hardly stand up.

“Let’s get you to bed. Tomorrow you’ll talk to Michael, you’ll get to know Paul David a bit better, and you’ll take me out to a nice dinner.”

“I will?”

“Yes.”

“What do I get out of that?”

“You might get a real friendship with Michael, and maybe even Paul David.”

“What will I get for taking you out to dinner?” Mandy’s answers are rarely boring.

“After dinner, nothing. I plan on being full. But tonight ...”

“Tonight?” Suddenly I wasn’t so tired.

“I hope you’re hungry.”

“Hungry?”

“Yea, for some whipped cream and chocolate sauce.”

“MANDY!”

“Oh Nick. Loosen up.”

“I’m loose! But ...”

“But what?” She took my hand and lead me towards the bedroom.

“Housekeeping will see the sheets!”

“Like they’ve never seen anything embarrassing on your sheets before.”

“MANDY!”

“Don’t worry babe. We’ll do it in the tub. By the way, have you seen this tub? We could live in it!” Mandy liked large things.

So I did get something to eat, and for that matter so did Mandy. And the next day I spoke to Michael, and we got some things straightened out (No pun intended.). I apologized to Paul David, and he was actually cool about it. Kevin took everyone out to dinner the next night and we had a great time. We toasted each other, we toasted Brain, some people toasted Leigh Anne. AJ toasted his new hair color. Mandy toasted Kevin and Kristen, as she had been absent at their wedding.

So, in the end I learned a few things, my relationship with Kevin took a whole new turn, and as of today Mandy and I have been together for four and a half months. This has impressed a number of people, especially us. Four and a half months and we are no where near the break up stage. Not that I don’t check for end of the world signs once in a while, but I seem to be gathering faith in us. My mother and many of my fans are not pleased, but one of those things I learned is I can’t live my life for other people. I have to live it for me. And if I’m satisfied, if I’m happy, then that’s what matters. That and making the people I love happy while not sacrificing my own happiness.

So, for better or worse, with warts and all, this is the new Nick. Watch out world, here I come. And don’t say cum, it’s not nice.

THE END.