Ch. 21
(Howie's point-of-view)
"Thank you for staying with him, Howie," Ms.McLean mumbled as she adjusted the bed sheets over AJ's sleeping form.
"It's not a problem."
She sat down keeping her view point on me. "I figured you would want to be with your family right now."
"I-I can't look at my mother."
"Why on earth not?"
I shrugged. "Holding her hurts too much."
"Don't you think not being there hurts even more?"
"I doubt it. I would only disappoint them. Besides, they wanted me to go on with the group."
"Well, naturally they would, sweetheart. To be honest I'm concerned about you."
"Me?" I lifted a finger to AJ's bed. "I think you have enough to be concerned about, Ms.McLean."
She flashed me a smile. "I love AJ dearly-you know that; but I think my heart is big enough to care about everyone in this group yourself included."
I took a seat across from her. "At the funeral-I didn't cry until the end."
"The reason being?"
"Everyone else- was breaking down someone had to be strong."
"How? By lifting a liquor glass to your lips? Or by fighting the truth you feel in your heart?"
I ran my fingers through my hair. "I see you've been talking to AJ."
"Yes, he's very worried about you. More about you than himself."
"Stupid kid- he's sick enough."
"Try telling him that. You're both very similar-or why would you have stayed behind?"
"To ignore some of my problems without drinking."
"Howie's you're not an acoholic-but you do tend to turn to it. Why not turn to something else?"
"What else? What else can get my mind off my problems so easily?"
"I dunno. Maybe you don't need to run away. Losing Caroline isn't easy- she was a wonderful young woman with a beautiful family. Isn't there something you could do for them? You have a sympathetic way about you Howie-don't lose that."
I was dumbfounded. I had been selfish, maybe I drank because I didn't know how to handle my pain. Suddenly, it was clear the best way to handle my pain was to make sure that no one ever went through this kind of torture.
"You know, Ms. McLean, you're like a second-mother to all of us on the road and off."
She chuckled. "Well, I do recall taking care of sick little boys on and off."
"Little boys? Some of us were men."
The petite woman brushed her red hair. "The minute any of you developed a fever or cold it seems to me your 'manly ways' quickly disappeared."
AJ gave a slight moan opening his eyes slightly. Denise kissed his brow. "How 'ya feeling, baby?"
"I'm okay."
I stood over the bed rail. "Okay, McLean, first thing's first. You don't have to try to act all tough for me or anyone else-I have a feeling everyone is going to learn to deal their own issues. Now, how do you really feel?"
He gave a small grin. "I'm in a hospital-how do you think I feel, dumbass? Here's a hint: not good."
I had to laugh. This was the first chance I saw that anything in this group would ever be normal again.
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