Chapter Ten: Laughter is not the best medicine.
I’m an idiot. A complete dumkof (or however you spell it. I’ve just learned to SAY words in other languages. The syntax and semantics are still beyond me.) How can I be this stupid? Kevin must think I’m the dumbest kid to ever live. He must. According to this book this “incident” occurs to most guys at 13 or 14, and here I am fifteen. Yea, I’ve only been 15 for about two weeks, but it’s the principle. Even if I managed to be late (Everyone complains that I’m late for everything, but puberty?) you would think I would at least KNOW about it!
“There was a lot of ‘green’ in that dream”, how stupid can I be? I wish I could lock myself away until I’m older, say 70 or so. I might have lived this down by then. How can I face Kevin? He must be laughing his eyebrows off. Good Lord, what if he tells AJ? AJ has the biggest mouth in the band. In all of Europe according to Howie. Howie also informed me that this is the result of AJ “putting things in his mouth quite a bit of the time...” and then laughed his ass (yes I said ass, and yes I know it’s not nice) off when I didn’t get it. Once in a blue (or should I say blew? I’m not sure, it’s one of AJ’s jokes.) moon Howie can been cruel. That’s OK. It’s better than boring. And speaking of AJ and Howie...
“Hey! Nicky!” OH NO. I didn’t hear them come in (I was a bit preoccupied. Wonder why?). “What you up too?”
“Five foot six.” That was the current height, and it was a safe answer.
“Oh, ha ha.” H...e...double rulers. AJ was still mad. I could tell by the tone of his voice. I could tell by the glint in his eye. I could tell by the picture of me he was holding that had holes where the eyes should be. I’m in big trouble.
“What ya reading?” Howie was trying to develop the conversation. Damn him. Stick to your safe boring topics, Howie. Like, “How many ties I own..” or “The number of black pants you should have is directly related to the number of cotton shirts you have..” or my all time favorite, “Charmen bathroom tissue IS the softest. According to my comparison study...” Yes, really. Howie compares toilet tissue. Howie compares everything. That’s one reason most of us won’t change clothes when he is around.
“Just a book.” DUMB!!!! It must have slipped my mind that “Nick with a book” occurs about as often as an iceage.
“What book? Is it “How to Annoy People?” AJ made a grab for the book, but I wasn’t letting it go without a fight.
“DON’T!” I shoved the book under the covers. Out of site, out of mind!
“What you hiding, N...I....C...K...Y?” The sarcastic tone. AJ was out for revenge. I guess I should have been glad that it only involved total and complete humiliation and not a chainsaw.
“Nothing, but it’s mine.” There. The basic logic of a two year old should impress him.
“Says who? You don’t have any books...not that are hardback, anyway. Where did you get it? Who’s is it?” AJ is so suspicious he should try out for a position with the FBI. Or become a mother.
“IT’S MINE!” I clung to it through the covers while looking for an escape route. To my right, AJ. To my left, Howie and the bathroom. Howie it was.
“AJ, leave him alone man! He doesn’t feel good and ....” Good. Howie was distracted. NOW! I bolted. But AJ was faster. He caught me around the ankle as I was leaving the bed, which in turn left me in a rather interesting position. I was face-down, half off the bed with my nose only ( I guess I should be thankful for small miracles.) inches from the floor. My lower half was now squished onto the bed by AJ’s weight, which by the way is more than it looks. Howie, the traitor, leaned down and grabbed the book before I could react.
“Gee, Nicky, if it’s something you’re not suppose to have...” Damn you Howie! Don’t you go all “older brother” on me. “Let’s see...” Oh good Lord let’s not. “It’s....” Total silence. Was he shocked? Was he surprised? Was he, and I can only hope, dead?
“What is it?” AJ was suddenly off me, thank God. On the other hand he unceremoniously pushed me the rest of the way off the bed. I guess he wasn’t worried about my nose. I sat up with my back to them. There was no need for a big scene just yet, they had already seen the book, and I would need the energy for the tantrum I was panning for later.
I waited, and waited. I could feel my skin crawling, my muscles pull up. I was ready for the attack. I expected teasing, shouting, anything but what I got. Laughter. And quiet a laugh it was. I thought they would bust a gut, wishful thinking that it was.
“Nick?” More laughter.
“Where (he he) did (haw haw) you (ho ho) get THIS!” What did Howie think? The puberty fairy had left it under my pillow?
“Oh...lookie, lookie which chapter is marked! Having a little ‘Night trouble’, Nicky?” AJ was really having a good time. Not that I didn’t expect it, AJ always has a good time - at anyone’s expense, even his own. Howie was another matter.
“Oh, Nicky, aren’t you a little old to ‘ wet the bed’?” Cruel jokes were usually not in Howie’s domain. . I guess he has decided to expand his portfolio.
“Excuse me.” That’s all I could really say. I walked to the bathroom with as much dignity as could be expected. I wasn’t about to defend myself, it would do no good. As a matter of fact I was well aware that it would only make matters worse. I shut the door, turned the lock, and slid down the wall. Might as well rest here, once I come out I will never rest again.
I could hear AJ and Howie whooping it up on the other side of the door. Man they were two very happy dudes. AJ had some really juicy gossip to spread, and Howie, well I don’t know. He usually stands up for people. Maybe that mustard in his shampoo bottle wasn’t such a good idea.
So I sat, feeling worse than sorry for myself. When I feel sorry I can whip up tears or scream at the drop of a hat. But I didn’t feel like I usually did. I had a cold, solid lump in the pit of my stomach that hurt like heck. I knew this would be all over by lunch time, there was just no stopping it. Heck a Mac Truck at full speed didn’t have the splatter power of AJ on a mission. I was doomed. This was one of those things that you never live down, no matter what you do later on in life.
I wished I had thought to bring the phone with me, I really wanted to call my dad. Not for advice, but to ask if I could come home. Dad would let me, which is why I wanted to talk to him. Mom never let me, her motto was “buck up little camper.” Frankly, AJ could set me on fire and my Mom would tell me to get over it, this “opportunity” would never come again. Right. That and her Visa bill was now in the range of $7000.
I was so busy contemplating a way out that I didn’t realize the laughter had stopped and that someone was quietly knocking on the door. Go away, I would like to decay in peace.
“Nick?” Brian, in that “wounded animal” voice again. “Hey, Nick, can you hear me? Are you all right in there?” He sounded worried. Like this was so bad I would drown myself in the toilet. Actually that didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
“Nick?” Kevin. What was he doing here? Maybe he had another book for me, “101 Ways to Kill Yourself Without Making a Mess.” It would be of more help than the last one.
I could hear them whisper to each other for a few minutes. Perhaps they were developing a plan to get me out. Perhaps they were developing a plan to keep me in. If so they were wasting their time, the last plan had done the job.
“Nick, will you let me come in?” Gee Brian, doesn’t your room have a bathroom? Talk about cheep management!
“Nick?” What, did Kevin want in as well? I don’t know about that. Three guys all in the same bathroom, one underage - not to mention the puberty factor. Could make for some interesting headlines. AJ would be thrilled.
“Nick AJ and Howie are gone, Kevin is going to talk to them. Come on, let me in.” No way. Misery loves company is a load of crap. “Nick I’m serious, let me in or I’ll get the manager to let me in.”
“GO AWAY.” I think that said it all.
“No, I won’t. Let me in, NOW.” Let him stew. “DAMN IT, DID YOU HEAR ME?”
Oh...no. Brian was cussing. I think hell just froze over. I unlocked the door and inched it open. I hated to do it but I just had to see if locus or some other plague was upon us. Brian, ever resourceful, took this opportunity to push his way into the bathroom. He promptly shut and re-locked the door. My, my. Either he was about to give me a heart-to-heart talk, kill me, or I had completely missunderstood those looks he was giving Kevin during the ‘pants around the knees’ incident.
“Nick I understand you wanting to stay in here, really. I know you feel bad right now, but man this is not as big a thing as you think.” Oh, really? And how “big” does a thing have to get before one is allowed to swan dive out of the window?
“I know you think you will never get over this or live this down, or that AJ will tell...”
“HE WILL TELL! HE’LL TELL EVERYONE!” I wanted to make sure Brian understood me, the two foot space between us being so vast.
“YOU DON’T...you don’t have to yell. Listen, AJ will NOT tell anyone, I promise.”
“Brian! And you guys say I’ll gullible. AJ lives to tattle, and if it is about me and embarrassing, that’s even better. I’ll bet he’s calling a newspaper right now.” I sat down on the bathmat, it being a softer choice than the tile. Brian flopped beside me.
“Nick, AJ is going to keep his mouth closed. Trust me on this.”
“I trust you, I don’t trust AJ.” No way in h...e...double....oh hell. No way in hell.
“Nick...”
“I spit on him.” If nothing else, the stink bombs, the fire-crackers, the peanut butter in the hair, the spit alone would have doomed me.
“Yea, I know. He deserved it. Listen to me...no listen! Don’t look like that. I’m telling you AJ won’t tell, I know for sure.” I was stunned. Not by this announcement, but by the rather devious tone in Brian’s voice.
“How?”
“Because if he were to tell I’d tell about HIS little problem.” Problem? AJ? AJ has a problem?
“What is it?”
“I’m not sure...”
“Oh come on! He knows mine! And I won’t tell! You know I can keep a secret!”
“That’s true.” Brian cracked a smile. “You are really good at that. But...”
“AND..” No way was I going to miss this. “...I can’t tell! If I did then AJ would tell mine, and I don’t want this to get around.”
“Good point. Well, OK. But you have GOT to swear that you will never tell.” So I swore, all the nice little rituals included. “OK, this is really embarrassing, but...”
And it was embarrassing. It seems that ole AJ had gotten totally crap-faced one night after a big fight with his girlfriend. Brian and Kevin had to drag him back to the hotel and hold his head over the toilet while he puked. Now that’s not really good stuff, I had seen him blasted once myself (Though Kevin chewed him out good for letting me see it.), but what came next was. When Kevin went to get more towels (Did I mention that AJ pukes a lot for a little guy?) AJ, drunker than a skunk and half-crying by this time, spilled the beans to Brian about the point of contention between AJ and April (The current girlfriend in question.) It seems that after only three weeks of dating April was considering calling it off. Not that she didn’t like AJ, it’s just that she couldn’t see a long term commitment to a guy that had a “Faster than a Speeding Bullet” problem. Now remember, I’m just hitting that puberty hump and it took a more detailed explanation from Brian before the lights came on, but when they did I saw the end of the tunnel.
-