Chapter Four: No Nudity in the Bathroom, Please!
Underwear. It was underwear. I was going to wear underwear. Yes, I wear underwear when I am dressed, only at night with pj pants am I brave enough to go without. It’s just that I don’t wear just my underwear in public. I certainly don’t wear just my underwear to have my picture taken. The photographer thought differently.
“This will look GREAT!” He was so excited. I hope it was over the prospect of being paid, and not the five of us in our underwear. “Just these and the tees, it’s very hot.” Something tells me the pay is not his only motivation.
The underwear was the type made of brief material, but had the legs. This, and a tee-shirt, was all I was to wear according to Jon-Paul. Jon-Paul. Really, after that name the underwear shouldn’t have been such a surprise.
AJ was cool with it, and Kevin even volunteered to go shirtless. Howie decided to go tee-less as well. Brain was OK with it but wanted to wear his tee. I was the descending vote, and being one to four I was crap-out-of-luck.
“Um...I’ll be right back.” The h...e...double needles I will.
“Nick? Where ya going?” Brian looked suspicious. Bad sign. If he could tell I was making a break for it the others were way ahead.
“Suzie, can you set this light, please?” Suzie? Oh, Jon-Paul’s assistant. Beautiful, red-headed, built like a brick you-know-what house Suzie. She had on a low cut blouse, to boot.
“Bathroom.” Now. Before a pillow became necessary.
I made it to the back hallway which housed the bathroom and back doors. Unfortunately it also housed a third door, between the bathroom and back door, which now became the portal through which Kevin decided to make my escape difficult.
“Going somewhere, Nick?”
“Bathroom.” Man. I was spending too much time in there. Soon people would be asking what it was that I did.
I slammed the stall door behind me unzipped and sat down. I might as well make good use of my time.
“Nick?” Great. Just great. Attilla the bathroom monitor. “Nick I know you don’t want to do this but it’s been all arranged. We can’t get out of it. Besides it’s in some small magazine no one will ever see! Come on. You can wear your tee out and well put you down on the bed. No one will see a thing.”
“That’s for sure.” AJ could be cruel when the mood hit him.
“That’s it, I’m not doing it!” And I wasn’t, either.
“Nick you have to. Get out here.”
“No Kevin. I don’t HAVE to.”
“We’re all going to do it. What’s the big deal?”
“With Nick, not much!” AJ cracked himself up with that one.
“SHUT UP! YOU...” Get a grip Nick. Don’t make a fool of yourself in front of the guys. “PRIVATE PARTS HEAD.” There, that’d show him.
“WHAT???” Too bad it didn’t impress them. At least not AJ. He actually fell over laughing. I hope he catches something nasty from that floor.
“AJ, shut the hell up!” At least the attention is off me. “NICK!” But never for long. “Come out..NOW!” Kevin was in no mood to wait, and slammed his fist against the door. I guess they don’t make them as good as they do at home as the door flew open accomplishing two things. One, it totally humiliated me as I was sitting on the john at the time...doing my “business”. Two, as I had been leaning forward, chin on hands, elbows on knees, at the time it sent the door straight into my nose. Drat, I left the icepack at the hotel.
The force of the bang, and my recoil from pain, actually knocked me back into the wall causing a nice lump on the back of my noggin. I then “bounced” forward, off the commode, and right into Kevin. Inertia kept us going and we landed right at AJ’s feet. Me and Kevin. Me on top of Kevin. Kevin with a “I am so surprised by this look”. Me with a new bloody nose and my pants and briefs around my knees. You know, posing in my undies didn’t look quite so bad.
“Nick, you OK?” Kevin, I think we’re trapped in some type of time-warp. Hit AJ. Maybe that will help.
“Oh, MAN. I wish you two could see yourselves!” AJ was up at this point, walking backwards and wiping his eyes, which meant that his back was to the door. The same door Brian walked through in a big hurry. For a small guy he packs a nice punch. “OUCH!” Oh, goodie. AJ blood.
“Hey, what’s going on in...” He spotted us. I wish I could describe the look on Brian’s face at that moment. I’ll bet it was never there before, and never will be again. “Guys? What’s...Nick come here.” He looked at Kevin like he was a child molester. I would have been laughing my butt off if I hadn’t been so concerned about inhaling all the blood.
“Nick, get off!” Kevin punctuated that statement by shoving me off, which had the nice effect of banging the back of my head on the floor. As the back of my head already had a knot this was not the best case scenario. By the way, did you know you actually see stars?
So there I was, on my back with my pants and undies around my knees, hands on face trying to prevent the blood from leaving my nose (This being the third bleed I decided I no longer had the liquid volume to spare) with Brian, AJ, and Kevin as witnesses. It couldn’t get much worse. Note to anyone else, in case you are wondering what “much worse” is, it is MUCH worse than one would think.
The bathroom door flew open, and there stood Howie. Now, adding one more Backstreet Boy to the mix couldn’t make it any worse. And it didn’t. It was the fact that Howie stood there, propping the door open allowing anyone who decided to talk a stroll in the hallway a birds-eye view of my.... I really should have thought about pulling my shirt down. Then again I WAS busy with the nose. One of the guys could have helped, but AJ was too busy holding his head, Brain was still giving Kevin a “touch him and I will call the police” look, Kevin was busy giving Brian a “I’m not doing anything wrong look”, and Howie...what can you say about Howie? He was simply entranced. I’ll bet he had never seen anything that interesting in his entire life. Boy needs to get out more often.
Back to the “get worse” scenario, it did. Someone decided to take that stroll. Someone named...Suzie. I wouldn’t have known she was there if I had not heard the sound, somewhere between a scream and a gasp. It startled us all and we froze. For a few seconds in time we were a mini-simi-porno-portrait. Then things got interesting.
“What is going on in there?” This is a MEN’S room, like it would be any of her business.
“Uh...well...you see...”Brian had to give up there as he really had no idea what was going on. Howie didn’t attempt speech, he just gawked. On him it looks good.
“Nick fell.” Oh, Kevin not that again.
“Ib id nod!” No one was blaming me for having a bloody nose and being naked...NAKED! I was NAKED! On the floor! In front of Suzie! Oh....shit!
This seems to have occurred to Kevin at the exact same moment. As I rolled to my left and reached to my pants with one hand, Kevin rolled to his right and performed an identical hand motion. By much worse I mean MUCH worse. Kevin landed back on top of me with his hand down one pants leg. This prevented me from pulling up my pants and breathing. I may be only 15, but even I know passing out underneath a guy without your pants is not a good idea. It was time to take control of the situation.
“GET OFF YOU JERK!” This statement had the desired effect of getting Kevin off me. Unfortunately it also brought Suzie into the room, hands on hips and eyes blazing.
“WHAT are you doing to him?” My goodness, Kevin gets in more trouble.
“It’s not what it looks like.” I wish I had the guts to say “yes it is”, but I really want to see my next birthday. Actually I would like to live to get my butt out of the air, which I decided to do. I ignored the argument above me and pulled up my pants as I stood. That’ when I realized Kevin had bounced me off the facilities before I had the chance to wipe. Only 12:12 PM and it’s “not been my day” twice.
“...and then he fell and I tired to catch him...” Well, not exactly, but it’s closer to the truth than the explanation my Mom received.
I continued to ignore the conversation, as well as the fact that AJ was laughing again, and by this time Howie had joined him. There was little consolation in the fact that they were laughing just as hard at Kevin. I chose another stall and pulled the door closed and made darn sure it was locked. I had business to take care of on both ends and wasn’t in the mood for interruptions, or company.
“Nick, you OK?” Brian’s voice was very soft. I guess he figured I was going to loose it. He was right, but I was determined to wait until the restroom was empty. I had enough public humiliation for one day.
“des‘ud du ge me som ie?” I hope Brian can translate “swollen nose”.
“Sure, I’ll be right back.”
I sat down keeping one had on my pants. No sense in taking any chances. I took care of my “business” on that end as quickly as quickly as I could. As I was zipping up I noticed that the argument has ceased. Actually all noise had ceased. I heard....nothing. Where was everybody? And most importantly, where was Kevin? I put my hands on the door of the stall. Kevin hits me in the nose three times shame on him, he hits me in the nose a fourth time and I’m going to call his girlfriend and ask her if it’s true that she ‘fakes” it.
“Nick?” Not Kevin. Not good, either. It was Suzie. “Are you all-right?”
“Yeb.” Dear God, make her go away. I will owe you big. I will go to church with Brian and not fall asleep. I will make my bed. I will each a green vegetable at least once a month (No sense in going overboard.).
“Nick? What are you doing in there?” With God as my witness I had no idea what to say.
“I’m busy.” Well I was. I was panicking.
“Can I help you?” Dear heaven no.
“Um...nob. ib kun du id.” Whatever it was I was doing.
“Nick, it’s OK. I didn’t see anything, really.” This was suppose to make me feel better, but coming on the end of “AJ” remarks it just made me feel worse. “I was too busy looking at Kevin. I thought he had hurt you.”
“ ‘e did!” Nick commandment number one: Thou shalt not lie. Nick commandment number two: Thou shalt make Kevin look bad.
“I mean on purpose. He feels very bad.” Great, I wind up with a bloody nose and flash a total stranger thanks to Kevin, and she feel sorry for him. I give up. It’s just not worth it any more.
“Nick? Hey.” Brian had decided to join the group. So help me if he mentions Kevin I will put his head in the toilet and flush. Pipe dreams. Where would I be without them?
“I got you some ice and towels. Oh, and I got some wash rags you can use.” His voice was gentle, the tone you would use with a wounded animal. Maybe he thought I would bite.
“Danks. Cun ib hav som pwbacy?” No way I was coming out to a full house.
“Sure. We’ll all be out in the studio, OK? Call me if you need me.” As the door opened I leaned down to check that both pairs of shoes were leaving. Not that I didn’t trust Brian, but Suzie was an unknown element.
Brian had left the ice in one sink with the towels and wash rags stacked on another. As I wet a wash cloth I took a look. Not good. My nose was really swollen and bruised this time. There was no way I could have my picture taken today. On the bright side I wouldn’t have to pose in my underwear. On the other side I still had to go out and face everyone. Perhaps I should volunteer to be a lab animal, you know, the kind they subject to all manner of gross and horrible experiments? It couldn’t be any worse than this.
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