Chapter Five: Puffy Eyes and Bent Noses Make a Good Country Western Song
“Just keep this ice on his nose and I’ll be right back after I read the x-rays.” The doctor wanted to determine if my nose was indeed broken. I guess it was the doctor, I hadn’t seen him. After Brian and Suzie left me in the bathroom I made an attempt to right myself, but it was hopeless. Not just because public bathroom soap is on the same level as hotel soap, but because my nose was really hurt this time. I guess my eyes didn’t want to be left out and they had decided to swell and turn black and blue as well. Too bad neither is a good color for me - both make me look so white, and we know where that can lead. At least I wasn’t on an airplane with hungry people.
So we were in an emergency room having me checked out. AJ got his head looked at as well, and even had two stitches. I was a bit exasperated that they had him stitched up and ready to go before we even had the results of my x-ray, I mean who was really hurt here? On the other hand I had a very nice all-over pain shot. AJ just got one in his scalp. I guess because I was a little upset when we arrived, and Kevin was a lot upset, I also got a “happy” shot, just something to “relax me a little.” It relaxed me. I was very relaxed. Sit me in a chair and watch me slide out.
It was very quiet in the examination room. The guys whispered once in a while, I guess they didn’t want to disturb me. Really at that point there wasn’t much that could. Kevin stood by my bed and held the ice for me. I had tried, but like I said I was relaxed. I swear it felt like I was melting into the bed.
“Where is that doctor?” From somewhere at the foot of my bed Howie was fussing. This was an unexpected side-effect of the ER visit. Howie rarely fussed, except for his appearance, for what ever good it did. “Surely it can’t take this long.”
“Don’t bump the bed, Howie.” You tell ‘em, Kevin. Work out that guilt.
“And don’t call me Shirley.”
“Shut up Nick, you’re not suppose to talk.” Kevin chose to focus on my physical condition rather than the mental. Good thing as after that shot I was all mental.
I should point out that I couldn’t speak clearly at this point, but translating from full-swollen nose is just too difficult without the proper instruction. I think they have a course in college now. Foreign Language 1013-010: Swollen nose: phonological, syntactic and semantic analysis. Whatever, but from this point forward the story will be in pain English. Or plane English. I can never remember which is correct. Sort of like “resign” and “reside”. And frankly with only a two letter difference I don’t think people should be that surprised by my confusion. AJ says anyone who spends more than a day with me wouldn’t be.
“Brian, hold this ice for Nick. I’m going to try calling his Mom again. AJ, just stay in that chair. Nick, you behave.” Might as well. I can’t sing (right now), can’t dance (I can dance, just really, really white) I’m too fat to fly (there’s that baby fat again!) and too windy to stack bee-bees.
Poor Howie was left out in the cold with no instruction. I do mean cold, it must have been twenty below. I wouldn’t have been surprised if a penguin was reading my x-rays. Not to mention considering how I looked it would have been somewhat appropriate. But back to Howie, I think Kevin should have given him some instruction. Like “be alert.” After all the world needs more lerts.
“Hey Brian, did you ever wonder why they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?” Might as well make good use of my time.
“Quiet Nick. You’re suppose to be resting.” What did he think I was doing? Surely he couldn’t have lying on an examination table confused with the 50 yard dash. And don’t call me Shirley.
“AJ?” Maybe he would ponder with me.
“Yea?”
“ Do you think Custer asked the Indians, “You and what army?” I was studying American History with my tutor.
“Might have, considering the response.” Good ‘ole Aje. He understood. Exactly what he understood is not know to mankind, but I have a feeling we are all better off for it, whatever it was.
“AJ, don’t encourage him.” What’s he suppose to do Howie, dis-encourage me? Is there such a word? If not I’ll make it up. I’ve done it before.
“I think I’m having a bad day.” That may be the biggest understatement I ever make.
“I know Frack, just be quite, OK?” Brian is just no fun in an emergency room.
“Frick, do you think the children of couch potatoes are called tater tots?”
“Man, what was in that shot, and how do I get one?” AJ, no fair! You guys get the movies, I get the shots. You know, something tells me when this shot wears off I won’t like that deal as much as I do right now.
“Kevin, you OK?” Kevin had re-entered the room. As my eyes were still quite puffy you would think I had no way of knowing that. I hate to admit it but Kevin’s Brute had finally found its purpose.
“Why are you rubbing your ear?” Was Kevin sick now? Man, between him and AJ they would steal all my thunder.
“I finally got Nick’s Mom.” That explained the ear pain.
“Was she mad?” Howie: the perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.
“No, Howie. She was as happy as a lark. She was so damn happy she wants to know if we can put her son in the hospital everyday! Seems it breaks up the boredom of the road.” Complete silence. Maybe they realized that Kevin was stressed out. Maybe they thought Kevin had gone too far. Maybe they thought he was serious and plans were being drafted.
It was still quiet, too quiet. I started to get worried, and who (in my position) wouldn’t? Howie was innocent enough to believe Kevin (and they claim I’m the dizzy one), Brian might go along (just for a little while) to calm Kevin’s nerves (they are cousins, and family comes first) and AJ...he probably had plans. Big plans. Like “what to do with the body so the four of us don’t get blamed,” or “Plane crashes 2013-010: eating the carcass of the whiner”, or “Nick is annoying me. How much can I hurt him without doing permanent damage?” AJ is always prepared. What a man!
“Guys?” If I speak up now they might respond, and then I’ll know their locations in the room. This may be important later on.
“Easy Nick. Your Mom’s not mad at you. She’ll be here in about 20 minutes.” Really? That is interesting. My Mom is usually mad at me when it’s not my fault. She says it makes up for all the times it is my fault and I don’t get caught.
“Hello, gentlemen!” Good. Happy doctors make for few broken noses, I hope. “Is Mr. Carter’s mother here?” I’m not sure this guy should be my doctor. I can’t see and I know there is no female in the room! Maybe he has Howie confused. It wouldn’t be the first time. But even a stranger should be able to tell I don’t look a thing like Howie. I could be Kevin’s kid, in a “mad-house-mirror” type of universe.
“No, but we have the medical release to treat, so you can give us the information.”
“Well, the papers are in order, and they do have a signature.” Why is he telling us that? We carry those papers everywhere, we know what’s on them. Great, he thinks we look stupid.
“Mr. Carter’s nose is not broken.” There was a large exhalation of air. I’m assuming it was the guys letting out their breath, or someone just let out the biggest fart I have ever heard, and if it was I am SO grateful for this swollen nose. “The end of his nose was “bent out of shape” a bit, so we’ll just bend it back.” Bent? Bend? Can they do that? Like wire?
“Will you have to operate?” AJ loved the gore aspect of this entire thing.
“No...we’ll just give him another shot to relax him for a little bit and “mold” the nose. We have this picture from the files you carry and we’ll use that for reference. One of you can stay and assist us.” With bending the nose? Not Kevin! He has done enough damage. Not AJ! The freak will try to talk them into a clown nose. Not Howie! He might try to talk them into his nose.
“I want Brian to stay.”
“That would be fine, if it is all right with him.”
“Nick?” Kevin bent down to whisper in my ear. Thanks to that Brute I knew it was coming before he opened his mouth. “ I think the hospital is freaking Brian out a bit. Let’s let him go out for some air and I’ll stay with you, OK?”
“Want Brian.” I whispered back my whine. I knew if I put up enough fuss I would get my way about this, and I really did want Brain, but I didn’t want to upset him. So I did the only right thing, I spoke so that only Kevin could hear me. This would accomplish two things: it would keep Brian out of the conversation, alerting Kevin that I would go along with some prodding, and it would it would make Kevin feel bad that I didn’t want him. This may sound mean, and I guess in a way it was, but my only thought was that he had put me here, so a little whine was a small pay-back. If the nose had been broken I would have gone for the jugular.
“I know but he’s looking a little green. Come on Nick.”
“’K” I knew Brian wasn’t overly fond of hospitals. “Hold my hand?” Really. I wanted him to hold my hand. I know having your nose “bent back in shape” doesn’t sound that bad, but it was throbbing now, in spite of the pain killers, and I didn’t think this was going to make it feel any better. That and the aspect of not being able to see were making me a bit nervous.
“Sure.” Then loudly, “Nick wants me to stay. Y’all wait for his Mom in the waiting room.”
“Nick, is that all right with you?” Brian sounded both doubtful and hopeful in the same breath.
“Yea, I’m all good.” I could hear the guys leaving and then Kevin was holding my hand.
“Nick?” The doctor. I guess he had overheard my first name. “I’m going to give you something to help you relax now.” Good, cause the last medication was wearing off. “You’ll feel a slight sting.”
“OUCH!” Slight my backside, which by the way is where he put it.
“Easy Nick.” Bite me Kevin.
“All rightie, we’ll just give that a moment.” Thanks Doc. What a pal. By the way, can I have something to kill the pain from my pain shot?
“Now Nick, can you feel this?” Fill this?
“Not on my back.” That must have thought I was talented, or more “blessed” than the average porn star. Not that I have ever seen one, or want to. AJ fills me in on these things. He says it’s his duty to ensure I don’t grow up to be a momma’s boy, or a serial killer. Apparently seeing porn at least once in your life (or in AJ’s case once a week) is an important deterrent to the above mentioned negative characteristics.
“Nick? Can you feel the doctor pinching you?” He’s pinching me?
“No, but make him stop anyway. It’s not nice.”
“He’s ready.” Why is that doctor laughing?
“OK Nick, I’m going to work on your nose. You will feel quite a bit of pressure, and you might feel some slight discomfort.” Pressure and slight discomfort. That doesn’t sound too bad.
Slight discomfort must be some medical term for extreme agony. It felt as if he were rubbing ground glass into my face. And pressure? Have you ever seen one of those space movies where the guys helmet is breached and his eyes bug out? I empathize with those guys. Of course they die. I thought I was going to and I didn’t even have plans for my funeral. If I live through this I’m going to give that some thought.
Kevin held my hand through out the entire ordeal. Actually he held both of them, above my head. He had to. I kept pushing the doctor away. I called him some colorful names as well, according to AJ, Howie and Brian. They heard me all the way in the waiting room. So did my Mom.
I can honestly say I don’t remember using such language or being difficult. I do remember that I got another shot somewhere in the process, and things were much better after that. Later Brian told me that Kevin demanded that they stop or give me something else as I was crying and begging the doctor to stop. I don’t remember that either, but I do remember that it really, really hurt.
After he had it “in place” they took another x-ray and a different technician read it. Turns out I wasn’t a whimp. The first tech had mis-read my x-ray and I did have a crack in my nose. All that bending was making it worse - it was “widening” the crack. Another doctor came in to consult, my nose was “pinched” together with some type of nose splint and then yards of cotton was stuffed up it. It is really amazing how much stuff you can get up your nose. [Next time Mom panics because Aaron stuff an English Pea up his I’m going to tell her to chill (in a nice way of course.) Really, you could get an entire 7 course meal up there and still have room.] A plaster “nose cast” was put over the entire thing, and once it was dry Kevin was given a packet of pain medication, a prescription and a list of instructions which included bed rest. All of this took over an hour but it seemed like minutes. Turns out I was unconscious for most of it, and if you ever have medical treatment I highly recommend you do it that way.
“Nick, baby?” My Mom. She sounded like she had been crying. Oh no. Over an hour in the waiting room. Howie must have bored her to tears.
“I’m sorry.” I wouldn’t have taken so long if I had only know what you were being subjected to.
“Shhhh baby. It’s not your fault. Brian and AJ told me everything.” Everything? At this moment I can’t remember what everything is, but I have a feeling there is some of it I wouldn’t want my Mom to know. “Easy now. The doctor says you can be released. I’m going to sign the paper work and then we’ll get you to bed.”
I didn’t point out that I was in bed. Even hurt I knew where to draw the line. Later I realized that I had missed the perfect opportunity to mouth off, and I’ll never have those drugs again.
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