I'm sure almost all of you have seen one of Billy Graham's TV specials. I'm sure I'll offend some of you with the following rant. That's OK. Hopefully at least some of you will agree with me in that he is a crock of shit.
The local CBS affiliate (perhaps all of CBS?) finds it necessary to broadcast an hour or so of Billy Graham into our home every few months. Mom usually elects me to do the dishes on those nights cos Billy Graham annoys her too much. And she's even Christian. I've learned to laugh.
The best part of the show is about every 15 minutes when he comes on begging you to call his 1-800 number. "Please call. A friend is standing by to pray with you." HE WANTS YOUR MONEY!!! Or, "Please call. Your personal gift will help us pester, er, save more souls." HE WANTS YOUR MONEY!!! He's a very wealthy man, is he not? Or how about this one, "Please call. For your contirbution of $100, I'll send you a genuine spork touched by God himself, a sock that Mary knitted during that Immaculate Conception thingy, and a Richard Simmons video." Damn, I want the Richard Simmons video! Guess what, my friend. HE WANTS YOUR MONEY!!!
The performers and testimonial thingies are pretty amusing, too. You either have some country yeehaw or a Celine Dion wannabe singing some mumbo jumbo about how they saw the light while waiting in the checkout line buying some coleslaw. Those testimonials are always fun. Usually someone was on drugs and saw the light then. Hate to tell ya, hon, but y'know what they say about bad acid. Anyone know if they've gotten those people who claim to have been "saved" from homosexuality yet? I can't wait.
I've probably pissed off enough of you now so I guess I'll shut up.
Sunday, September 19, 1999