Best of the Bee Blotter!

In my town, there is a little local newspaper called the Amherst Bee. Personally, I don't like the stories that much (they bash my mother pretty harshly sometimes) but I read it whenever I can for the enlightening section that keeps us citizens up-to-date on the activities of our boys in blue. It also reminds us just exactly what our taxes are paying for. So, without further ado, here for your enjoyment is the BEST OF THE AMHERST BEE POLICE BLOTTER!

Taken from the October 20 issue:

The sound of items falling over in an adjacent apartment was reported on Coolbrook Court. (Thank goodness someone was notified!)
An injured dog reported on Hopkins Road turned out to be a deer. (The ones that contain "turned out to be" are interesting. I sometimes wonder if the police are mocking the citizens.)
A smoking light at Par 3 golf Course on Maple Road turned out to be a fire in the fireplace.
A squirrel having a seizure in a Callodine Avenue backyard was reported. (Nutzy! I told you to lay off the Japanimation!)
Youths climbed trees and laughed after putting a nail in a car tire at the Haunted Catacombs on North Woodshire Road. (I wasn't aware that climbing trees and laughing was against the law...oh wait, there's more to that, isn't there? Silly me.)
A man wearing brown shoes and green pants was reported lying face down near trees on the south side of Sheridan Drive. Police arrived to find a jacket and boots and a bag of cookies, but the man was gone. (All units be on the lookout for a coatless, barefooted man desperately seeking milk.)
A jelly-type substance splattered on a Chaumont Drive house was reported. (A jelly-type substance?)
Twenty-five youths running around a Sheridan Drive parking lot turned out to be four youths waiting for a ride. (Another one of those "turned-out-to-be" deals. See what I mean?)
MY FAVORITE OF THE WEEK!! A man lying unconscious in a driveway refused first aid on Ellicott Creek North.
A red-tailed hawk was reported on Chesnut Ridge Road. (Can someone PLEASE tell me why this is significant?!?)
Flowers and notes received from an unknown person was reported on Fennec Lane. (What has society come to? Being someone's secret admirer is now a punishable offense.)

Taken from the November 24 issue: (P.S. There were 9 eggings and 3 "paintings" reported this week. I don't understand my fellow youth, sometimes.)

A suspicious woman in a black car on Callodine Avenue turned out to be a postal carrier.
Seven youths with backpacks and dressed in black were reported in front of Sweet Home Middle. (It later turned out that they were just the stage crew from the band concert that had been performed that night. Well, not really, but they could've been!)
A resident on Ayer Road was advised about a squirrel in her bathroom. (Again with the squirrels! What a time to get advice from a police officer!)
A man wearing shorts and shoes carried a recycling bin and garbage bag along the southbound lane of Niagara Falls Boulevard. (What is this, the Fashion Police Blotter?)
Two teenagers were caught skipping school at Toys R Us on Sheridan Drive. (Well, I know that's always the first place I go...)
A man wrapped in a brown blanket standing in front of a Sheridan Drive business was waiting for the store to open to buy a greeting card. (That's the Amherst Police, folks. Keeping us safe from polite, chilly people who wake up early.)
A man dressed in a gray hooded sweatshirt hiding behind a house on Sunshine Drive turned out to be a neighbor out for a smoke in his own yard. (Hate to be that guy)
An open garage door on Parkhaven Drive turned out to be a mechanical malfunction. (How mundane can ya get?)
A suspicious man at CVS on Kensingtion Avenue turned out to be intoxicated. (Suspicious, intoxicated, they all mean the same thing in the end.)
A suspicious blue van and rusty Buick on Viscount Drive turned out to be gutter cleaners. (Geez, those service people just can NOT be trusted.)
A resident of apartments on Princeton Avenue was advised about "unbearably" loud music. (I don't understand the quotes. Why use the word at all?)
All was calm after a report of a fight brewing at Mexican Joe's restaurant on North Forest. (I wonder if the guy that wrote this was listening to too many Christmas Carols. I also wonder if all was bright, as well.)
A picnic table was damaged at a bank on Main Street. (What was a picnic table doing at a bank, anyway?)
A Layton Avenue resident was advised about burning debris. (Because he just wasn't doing it correctly.)
MY FAVORITE OF THE WEEK (mostly because of the religious implications): Bushes burned on Niagara Falls Boulevard near JC Penny's at the Boulevard Mall.
A sofa obstructed traffic at the intersection of Maple and Transit Roads. (I think I had a dream about this, except I was sitting on the sofa. And it was floating...oh, wait. Nevermind.)
A fire burned in the Dumpster behind Stereo Advantage on Main Street. (Because the bushes weren't enough.)
A young man with his hat pulled down over his face was reported across the street from St. Benedict's on Main Street. (Uh oh. He had his hat pulled down over his face. You know what that means...you don't? That makes two of us.)
Youths playing hockey in the street on Countryside Lane refused to move for vehicles. (I wanna party with those guys. Yeah! Pedestrians rule!)
A newpaper deliverer drove on the wrong side of Campbell Boulevard. (I can't comment on this one, on the grounds that I don't understand it!)
A teenager asked a woman if she saw a man running around Amherst Middle School with his underwear around his ankles. (No, I wanna party with this guy!)
An intoxicated man lay nude on a lawn on Willowridge Drive. (No! I wanna party with THIS g--wait. What the hell am I saying?!? Nevermind.)
A neighbor on Washington Highway harassed a woman and her 12-year-old daughter. (This is NOT Mr. Roger's neighborhood.)
MY 2ND FAV OF THE WEEK!! A man claiming to be from the phone company on Sundridge Drive actually was.

Taken from the December 15 issue: (This is also the one in which they announced this one guy's idea to sell my high school. He's quite the character.)

A stolen Nativity set was returned to a front lawn on Valleybrook Lane. (They were just borrowing it, and then they realized the front lawn needed it more.)
A violation of the pooper scooper law was reported on Cadman Drive. ("Pooper Scooper Law"? I wonder it those are the technical terms.)
MY FAVORITE OF THE WEEK!! Police looked for a gold Jeep, possibly on fire, on Glen Avenue after receiving a report.
A customer at the department of motor vehicles on Sheridan Drive created a scene and refused to leave after being rejected for a learner's permit. (It wasn't me. I swear! I got my permit.)
A man in green pants and a red jacket who got out of a white Jeep Cherokee on Ayer was seen walking through yards. The man turned out to be a meter reader. (Another civil servant suspected. Ooo! Dig the alliteration.)
Two suspicious men stodd on the corner of Coventry Road and Garden Parkway. One wore a yellow rain coat. The men were gone when police arrived. (A yellow raincoat. Number 1 preferred outerwear of criminals.)
A customer at Tim Horton's who was asked to leave sat in front os the restaurant on a bench and told incoming customers he was being persecuted. He left when police arrived. (Sounds like one of my uncles...)
Three suspicious people exited a car parked in front of Key Bank on Sheridan Drive and walked around back. It turns out the trio went into an adjacent restaurant where they worked. (Good detective work, Amherst police.)
A large holiday party involving a tent behind Home Depot on Niagara Falls Boulevard woke a nearby resident. (Involving a tent?)
A car was keyed in the parking lot of the Pepsi Center on Amherst Manor Drive. (Uh oh. A criminal offence.)
A man sleeping in a van on Stonewood Drive was gone when police arrived. (I'm puzzled as to how they knew he was in there. And how did they know he was sleeping?)
A neighbor on Delta Road was advised about tearing down holiday decorations. (Who's neighbor?)
A Nativity scene was stolen from a front lawn on Valleybrook Lane. (This was, of course, before it was returned.)
The manager at Mighty Taco on Transit Road received a threatening call over a mixed-up order from an electronically-distorted voice. (This is what happens when kidnappers get bored.)
A suspicious vehicle on Ayer Road belonged to a garbage picker. (What exactly is this trying to tell us?)
A male and femal were intimate in an Astrovan in the parking lot at Target on Niagara Falls Boulevard. (This is definately something the general public ought to know.)
A suspicious man with a mustache, wearing a gold, blue, and red hooded winter jacket and driving a white Chevy Nova wandered around Greencastle Lane. When police arrived, the man was gone. (It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and...)

Taken from the August 9 issue (without comments. I'm sorry, I'm too tired):

There were suspicious people in the woods behind Jackson Square. They were kids with paint guns.
There were people on New Road claiming to be surveryors. They were advised.
Kids from the woods behind Jackson Square shot paint balls at a house on Lyrae Drive.
There was a dead bird in the backyard of a Rosewook Drive house.
A man pushed a shopping cart into the Pepso race car in the parking lot of TOPS on Maple Road.
A man wearing sneakers was lying down in the field on Sheridan Drive across from Key Bank.
A duck with a broken leg was struggling on Frankhausen Road.
The remains of a Molotov Cocktail were found in front of a house on Wayne Avenue.
A man calling from his cell phone in his garage had a bat in his house.
A man parked illegally in a handicapped spot at Starbucks on the Boulevard threw a cigarette on the ground.
A resident on Imperial Drive recieved numerous hang ups.
A barber pole was stolen off the building of The Village Barber Stylist during the night.
A person at the front door of Tim Horton's on Main Street was asking the manager for money.
A customer at a gas station on Sheridan Drive drove away with the hose still in their tank. There was some spillage.
Someone failed to observe the pooper-scooper law on Kings Drive.
A woman wearing just shorts was sitting in a flower bed in front of the University Corporate Center, bearing a sign that said "Day 1".
A resident of Renaissance Drive was found in the pool stark naked.
A suspicious package arrived from overseas at Curtwright Drive. It was smelly. A plant was found inside.
A man inside a bluish-green car was sitting in it with the windows up and his head back on Longmeadow Road.
A man had been to the St. Benedicts Church rectory four times in one week.
There was an unruly patient in the Emergency Room of Millard Fillmore Suburban Hospital. When police arrived, he was sedate.
A group of teens was in Ellicott Creek Park, trying to build something with wood. They were advised.
One store accused another store on Sheridan Drive of stealing shopping carts. They resolved their issue when police arrived.
People in a driveway hot tub were screaming and being loud.
A woman on Palmdale Drive held her boyfriend inside her house.
A customer at University Mobil gas station tried to come over the counter at the clerk. He then wanted to see the police officer.
A skunk that spent the night in a garage on Wehrle Drive was refusing to leave.
A man on Harlem Road was receiving phone calls from his wife's boyfriend.
MY 2nd FAVORITE OF THE WEEK!! A message a mother left on her son's answering machine on Groton Drive sounded to him like it said "get the cops" but the message really said she was "at TOPS."
A resident of Union Road South says her mother ripped the registration sticker off her car.
A neighbor cleaning a fence on Montbleu Drive was advised.
Flowers and baskets were obstructing traffic on Eggert Road.
A man was in a NOCO station on Millersport Highway with two ID's.
A woman in a Brookdale Drive house was hearing a motor and feeling a vibration when she stood by her front door. What she thought was a bomb turned out to be a massage machine.
MY FAVORITE OF THE WEEK!! Derogatory messages were written in peanut butter on a car on Willow Green Drive.