"I call to you;
Early in the morning I cry out to you,
My eyes are open in the night watches, Psalm 119:145-147
The more I read and pray, and the deeper I feel my relationship with God is becoming, the more I seem to be beset by the niggling doubts. They come without warning; they slam into my heart and mind, leaving me breathless. For a long time I despaired of them. How could I even THINK about Holy Orders, when these doubting times kept surfacing?
Last week, during the High School Christian Education class, I had an insight. This six weeks session is on evil (the boys chose the topic out of several possibilities), and we were discussing the evil "outside" and the evil "inside". I was sharing with them C. S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters, and how Wormwood, the apprentice satanic imp, was charged with capturing a Church-going Christian. He was to invade the young man's prayers; he was to try to convince him to stay home from church; and many other antics I've forgotten.
A thought that had been rolling around in my head suddenly crystalized, and I thought, of course...my personal Wormwood is working harder and harder to deflect what I am sure is my call. And the harder I work to deepen this relationship, the harder Wormwood will work to spoil it! I realize that is a simplification, but I think it is also a truth.
I've had other trepidations: my age, of course; what three years of seminary will do to my precious marriage; what I will give to the church when I'm done. In the good times, I feel strongly that age is relative. It may be alittle more difficult for me to do the college work, but I got my Masters at 55 years of age, so I think I can do it. The Bishop seems to feel with my background there will be plenty of things I can do for the church.
And that leaves the biggest worry. It's fine and dandy for me to have this "Call", but where does that leave DB? Jesus says to leave your father and mother and sister and brother and follow him. I've struggled with that idea for a long time. In fact, there were at least 5 and, maybe more years, that I kept my strong feeling that I had a call to myself for just this reason. Finally, as the call got stronger, I prayed and prayed about it. What would I do if DB was horrified by the idea? I felt then, and I feel now, that God has no intention of my turning my back on a Christian marriage that has been blessed by Him since the beginning.
When I finally faced it straight on, and told DB about this pull I have for Holy Orders, he said, "I'm not surprised; I can see you moving towards that." And he said as long as I don't expect him to change (or to be the old fashioned clergy spouse who does bake sales and altar guild, and women's groups:-) ), it was OK with him.
The interesting and exciting result of that conversation, now about 7 years old, is that he has become more and more involved in the Church. He wouldn't look at it as such, but he has become quite an evangelist. Just now, he is working hard to put together another blood drive at the Church. I can't help but wonder if this journey of mine has freed him for his own?
Life is good; thanks be to God. Amen
7:31 PM
oh, that you would save me!
I will keep your decrees.
for in your word is my trust.
that I may meditate upon your promise."
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