This has been a difficult 5 weeks. It came to an all-time low when I looked in the mirror at school on Monday and nobody was there. Somewhere I had lost myself. I had felt it coming for days, but it was still a shock. I took that lost feeling to all my classes and the worship services. The only time I had even an inclination that somewhere was I, was when I read the lessons at Morning Prayer. I could feel myself fading in during the reading ("I" am a good reader. I love sharing the stories in the Old Testament with friends, and I read the letters like I would read my own letters to friends. This skill comes from long practice reading to children.)
There is something about seminary that negates years of Christian formation and personal gifts. Mr. Priest had told me that seminary "takes you apart completely the first year, leaves you scattered in pieces in the second year, and expects you to put yourself together in the third". This may make sense for 22 year olds with little or no experience with life and a young faith, although I can't ever buy into the idea that you have to tear down to build. But especially for those of us who have been through many fires, some pretty close to hellfires, it is insulting to have gifts and formation experience negated.
I said as much at the formation class. There was an unfortunate incident afterwards that left me very low. We had been asked to discuss some issues in small groups, and we all worked hard, with great sincerity. During the large group time, when we shared the results of our discussion, the faculty spokesperson presented his in a great spoof. I was furious. How could they make fun of our hard work? What does any of this have to do with my becoming a priest in the service of my Lord? I can't make sense of it. "Take the meat and spit out the bones," says one of my more outspoken classmates who has struggled with rage for three years. Good advice, but very hard to follow. Added to the general malaise that has infected many students, of course, were the events of September 11. And a vicious upper respiratory infection that has raced through the dorms.
Tuesday, I woke up with a decision: there is no way this seminary will force me to ignore my gifts. The one gift that has followed me in all my professional life is the ability to affirm other people's gifts. And no one can stop me from doing that at seminary. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror (my own mirror is so high I can only see the top of my head), and sure enough! There I was! Tuesday, I felt much better and I got through the day. I spent the evening in the school library researching my exegesis topic.
Wednesday, I read at Morning Prayer, strongly, enjoying myself, happy to be sharing the stories with the few hardy souls that were there. I drove home to a meeting with Mr. Priest. We talked for a couple hours about my experiences. He gave me two pieces of advice: 1., do what I have to do to meet my goal, and 2., be authentic about it. If I think that I must let the faculty know how I feel, tell them, but be prepared for the fact that it probably will not change anything. And go on. Meanwhile, use my gifts, and remember that my nearly 67 years of working at Christian formation are valuable.
One other thing, and one that I needed to hear. I DO have to "take myself apart" and "put myself back together again." Being a priest (or any kind of pastor) is a different role in the church from what I am used to, and I have to find my way to how I will fill that role. But the key is that this is MY work, and not something that should be done TO me. He's a wise man, Mr. 32-year-old Priest.
So I face Reading Week with new vigor. And I have an appointment with my faculty advisor the week I go back. I intend to share this all with him. And next week I will contact a spiritual advisor. The Lord led me here, and he will see me through.
Life is good again. Thanks be to God. Amen
10:12 PM
Today was a good day. I got some vacuuming done (until my stupid carpet got wound up in the vac and broke the belt, again). I dusted, I arranged mums and calendula in a carved-out acorn squash and ironed a table cloth for the table. Oh, and I cleaned off the dining room table. That was a major achievement. Then I made a sweet bread with apples and chocolate and cinnamon chips in it, and I stuffed a roasting chicken and cooked it with veggies. I even had time to have a cafe mocha at my favorite store.
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