My one regret about giving up my coat is that it has wonderfully deep pockets. I keep my keys in the pockets, and now I'll have to lose them in my purse, my VERY HEAVY purse.
Yesterday, my pastor friend and I, after reading the daily prayers together, had a long talk about the difference between listening and Holy Listening. I had tried to share something that had happened at church last week, and she had a couple solutions to offer.
Holding my arms out to the side, I quoted my grandson, who once said, "After four years living with L., I know it's all about validating FEELINGS, and not about finding SOLUTIONS." It certainly had been for me.
I know what I should do, and at the moment I am unwilling to do it. There are reasons for this, but the fact is, I DO know what to do. I just needed someone to hear me out.
This is a common problem for those of us in the helping professions: we are too eager to fix things. We hear a lot of stuff, we have had many experiences, and sometimes even education in the helping field, so we tend to think about answers instead of just listening.
I am just as guilty about this as anyone. In spite of good training in Holy Listening, I tend to give advice. Now anyone with a lick of sense knows that no one, even the person who asks for it, wants advice. We all just want an ear.
The exception, of course, is when one seeks professional advice, like from an accountant or a lawyer, for instance. But even then, the wise professional can hear beyond the words to the feelings behind them and will affirm those before working WITH the person to find the appropriate solution.
Chances are, if you know someone whom you think is very "wise", it is because that person is really a Holy Listener. You talk and talk, sharing your feelings, and before you know it, YOU'VE solved your problem, and the listener applauds your solution. You leave, feeling, "My, how smart so and so is." The truth of the matter is that once your feelings are validated, you are freed to find the solution yourself.
On Sundays, just now, lay people are leading "lectio divina" (or, holy reading), which has an order to the study. A person reads the lesson for the day. Then the rest of us think about that reading and share one word or phrase that jumps out at us.
So far, so good. However, the catch is that when you share your word or phrase, no one is supposed to comment. When done correctly, those words and/or phrases kind of echo in the room while we sit a minute or so in silence.
Now a second person (a different gender voice is best) reads the same selection. This time each person thinks about a sentence or idea that seems to be relevant for the day and shares that. Again, no comment from the rest of the people. Many ideas may come out of this second reading, and we let them sink in in silence.
The third time through, a third person reads the selection. Now we are to think about how a thought or idea in the reading relates personally to each of us. Again, no comment until all have shared. Then comes the time for discussion.
The discussion is enriched by the silences, as we think about the different ideas, insights, thoughts that have been shared.
We've had 4 sessions of lectio now, and we haven't gotten it down yet. We just can't help commenting on the thoughts people have shared. Sometimes the discussion gets going before everyone has had an opportunity to share. It just seems to be an innate need to tell what you want to say instead of really listening to each other with respect, and waiting our turn.
The sad thing for me is that I had three years to practice this in seminary, and I know how much richer and more helpful this method is when the group follows the protocol. Instead of thinking your own thoughts, you concentrate on what word is important to another, letting the idea sink in.
When I was going to college in the 70's, this was a form of "active listening". It's something we Americans don't do well, it seems. When you jump in with a comment, sometimes you miss the real meaning in the other's statement. This is frustrating on both sides.
So, I have to remember to listen, validate feelings, and let the person sharing with me begin to come to her own solution to the problem. And she will; I know this from experience. Then, I will validate the solution. Holy Listening. It's worth trying.
Life is good, when one's feelings are validated. Thanks be to God.
It's actually milder today; in the 40's. I'm going to take a chance and on my way to Curves then church, I'm going to drop my coat off at the cleaners. They have a 20% discount if the coat is brought in before March 30.
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