“But I ALWAYS put the star on top,” I said stubbornly. Alex stood in front of me, arms crossed over his chest.

“She’s right, Aje. She helps me decorate MY tree every year, and SHE always puts the angel on top of mine,” Howie said helpfully. I smiled at him, then went back to glaring at my roommate.

“You shouldn’t be up on that ladder. Felicia, tell her she shouldn’t be up on that ladder,” AJ said to Felicia, looking up at the top of our eight foot tall Christmas tree. It was Christmas Eve, and he had been a real brat recently, treating me like I was made of glass. True, sometimes I FELT like I was made of glass, but I hated him treating me that way.

“I’m going out for a smoke.” Felicia grabbed her jacket and went out the door, throwing me a gorgeous smile over her shoulder.

“Um, I’ll go with you,” Howie said quickly. “You two fight it out.” He followed Felicia out of the house.

Alex and I stopped our disagreement long enough to grin happily at each other. Howie and Felicia had gotten to be quite good friends since she had come to take care of me, and AJ and I pushed the relationship whenever we could. Felicia kept saying she was NOT interested in a boyfriend, and Howie kept saying he was too busy for a girlfriend, but he still found all kinds of excuses to come to our house and she still found all kinds of excuses to talk to him.

“Alex, please,” I finally whispered. “Putting the star on the top of a tree starts Christmas for me.” I gave him the full force of my big eyes and I knew I would win.

“Okay. Be careful,” he warned, holding the ladder steady. I drew my robe around me and slowly went up the rungs. I got dizzy about halfway up, but I took a deep breath and made it to the top. He handed me the star and I reached across the branches, carefully attaching the beautiful silver star to the top of the tree. I inhaled deeply, enjoying the thick scent of pine that could only mean Christmas.

“Who’s that angel on top of the tree?” A voice asked, and I almost fell into the tree.

“Nick! God, scare us to death, why don’t you?” AJ growled. I felt strong hands on my waist and knew it was Nick. AJ wasn’t tall enough. He helped me down and gave me a hug.

“Merry Christmas, little Angel.” Nick kissed my forehead. “Um, I thought you were going to church.” He looked at my robe quizzically.

“I am. Midnight mass. I still have about two hours to get ready.” I smiled up at Nick. He had been visiting a lot lately, and I knew he was lonely. He and his girlfriend had broken up yet again, and since his family was out in California he spent a lot of time with us. I didn’t mind; Nick always made me laugh. “You coming?”

“I’m not Catholic,” he said.

“Church would do you good,” I said pointedly. “Besides, I’m not Catholic either. Howie has just gone on and on about how beautiful Christmas mass is, so we’re going. Alex, too.”

“YOU?” Nick looked at AJ in amazement. “Won’t you like spontaneously combust if you enter a house of God?”

“Fuck you, Nickolas,” AJ muttered. “I’m gonna go shower.” He walked over to me and kissed my cheek. “Tree looks gorgeous, Sugar. I couldn’t have done this good.”

“Don’t call me that,” I said, but I smiled. Our tree DID look good. AJ and I had fought tooth and nail the entire time, over EVERYTHING. He wanted a fake tree so he wouldn’t have to clean up pine needles. I won. He wanted white lights because they looked classier. I won with colored lights. He wanted the tree to be decorated with gold tinsel and an angel on top. I won with silver garland and a star. “I think I’m gonna sit here and admire it for a while.”

“Cool.” AJ trotted up the steps to his bathroom. Nick and I settled onto the sofa.

“So, what are the others up to tonight?” I asked.

“They’re all back in Kentucky,” Nick answered. “They have this huge family Christmas thing there,” he said wistfully.

“You going to California tomorrow?” I asked. He slowly shook his head.

“Nah. Mom and Aaron are in Japan, and I just…I don’t like Christmas with my family unless the WHOLE family is there.”

“Be part of our family,” I said suddenly, putting a hand on his knee. “AJ’s mom is coming over, and Felicia will be here. Come in the morning and stay all day.”

“I don’t want to intrude,” Nick began, but I shushed him.

“Nicky, please. Come over. Actually, go home now, grab your stuff, get clothes for church, and stay overnight. We have your gifts here anyway. Howie’s gonna stop by in the afternoon, it will be fun.”

“If you really want me to,” Nick said, smiling broadly. I smiled back, then grew serious.

“I need you here anyway, Nick. AJ has been crazy lately, treating me like I’m made of expensive crystal or something.” I swallowed deeply. “He’s been more depressed than me lately. I made a joking comment yesterday about how I should get my way with the tree because it may be my last Christmas, and he went ballistic. Locked himself in the bedroom.” I smiled at the childish way Alex had behaved. “At least I got my way with the tree.”

“He loves you,” Nick said. “He doesn’t like to hear that stuff.”

“Howie loves me too and he’s okay with it,” I protested.

“No, babe, AJ LOVES you. He’s IN love with you. Can’t you see it?”

I shook my head. I didn’t WANT to see it. “You’re seeing things.” I stood. “Go home. Get your stuff. Get ready for church and come back.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Nick stood up and went to the door just as Howie and Felicia came back in. “I’ll be back soon.”

“He’s coming back?” Howie asked. I nodded.

“Nick is gonna spend Christmas with us.”

“Cool,” Felicia said, going down the hall to her room. Howie frowned and I smiled.

“Nick’s coming over?”

“Don’t worry, Howie. She’s all yours.” I walked by him, kissing his cheek.

“Huh?” Howie looked confused. I just laughed and continued on down the hall to my room.

Howie was right; mass was beautiful. There was a spiritualness that I hadn’t felt in a long time, and for the first time in months I felt a sense of peace. I was tired because of the hour, but inside I was awake and noticing everything. I stood between AJ and Nick with Nick’s arm around me as we lit candles and held them. It was a time for prayer, and instead of praying for myself I prayed for the people in the pew with me. I prayed for Felicia, asking that she find someone to take the place of the man she lost. I prayed for Howie, asking that he find a friend in Felicia and possibly something more, so losing me wouldn’t be so hard. I prayed for Nick, asking for something to alleviate his loneliness. And Alex…there was so much I wanted for him. I gave thanks for the fact that I lived with him, and for his generous sweet nature. I asked that he be given peace, and I silently begged that what Nick said wasn’t true. I didn’t want Alex to be in love with me. In other times, yes, I would have LOVED it, but not now.

A yawn almost split my head open as we walked out of the church. I stumbled and AJ caught my arm. “You okay?”

“Just tired,” I sighed, stumbling again.

“You should have napped today. All that business with the tree,” Felicia grumbled.

“God, between you and Alex I should just stay in bed,” I snapped, tears springing to my eyes. I was so fed up with being tired and sick and babied.

“We’re just worried about you,” AJ began, and I held up a hand, gasping as I stumbled again.

“I don’t need you to worry about me,” I retorted, then squealed as Nick swept me up into his arms. I knew he wanted to avoid a confrontation.

“Easy way to solve this problem.” He carried me to the car with me giggling all the way. I looked over Nick’s shoulder at AJ, who was staring at us openmouthed. Was he actually shocked? The idea made me giggle harder.

Felicia helped me change out of the dress I had worn and I climbed into bed, totally exhausted. “I’m sorry if you thought we pick on you,” she said, sitting on the edge of the bed. I was surprised at the softness of her tone. “We care about you and we want you to feel as good as possible.”

“I know,” I sighed, picking at the bedspread. “I just hate being such a bother.”

“Hey, I get paid for you to bother me,” she said with a smile. “And the others love you.”

“Speaking of the others, didn’t Howie look good in his suit?” I asked. She frowned.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“That green shirt really made his eyes stand out, I thought.”

“Red. The shirt was red,” she said before she thought, and I hid a smile.

“Right, red. My bad.”

“Good night,” she said as she closed the door.

“Merry Christmas,” I called, and she smiled at me.

Two seconds later the door opened. Alex walked in, still in his dark blue suit. The tie was gone and the shirt was unbuttoned. “Asleep yet?” He whispered.

“No,” I whispered back. “You’re not mad that I invited Nick to stay over, are you?”

“Nah. Christmas is more fun with lots of people around the tree. And I know he’s lonely.” AJ knelt by the bed and took my hand. “You looked so pretty tonight.”

“Thanks,” I said softly. The dress was new and it had been very exciting to actually be able to go shopping for it. I started to say more and sneezed. AJ’s eyes widened. “Don’t worry…just a tickle in my nose,” I lied. “You looked very handsome yourself. You should dress up more often.”

“Maybe I will. Maybe we could go out for dinner sometime.”

“Maybe,” I hedged. I didn’t eat anything exciting anymore, since most foods seemed to upset my stomach. “I enjoyed going to church tonight,” I said, changing the subject. “It was beautiful.”

“Definitely,” he agreed.

“It gave me this sense of peace…I actually felt better than I have in a while,” I admitted. He smiled gently.

“Me too. And I prayed so hard for you. I felt like someone heard it.”

“Don’t, Alex. Don’t waste your prayers on me. Pray for you, pray for Howie, pray for anyone…but not me.”

“Prayers for you are NOT wasted,” AJ snapped, and I sighed. “Well, I’ll let you get to bed. I plan on waking you up at six to open gifts.”

“That’s only four hours away!” I exclaimed, laughing.

“Yeah, well, you’d better get to sleep then.” He started to get up, then paused. “You know, you could give me the best Christmas present ever by saying yes.”

“Alex…” I sighed.

“Wait. It would just make it so much better. I’d love knowing you were my wife, that you were able to have a husband.”

“Alex, that’s no kind of marriage. I don’t want to be married just to say I was married. It’s for all the wrong reasons. And marrying me won’t keep me here. I love you and that is all I can do.”

“I love you, too, Sugar,” AJ whispered softly. “So damn much. I was so dumb to let you slip out of that bathroom that day.”

He had never mentioned this. “Alex, don’t. You’ll only make yourself sad.” I stroked his hair. “We’re friends now, and that’s how it should be. Don’t fall in love with me, because then I’ll have to fall in love with you to keep you company, and how miserable would we be then?”

Alex laughed. “I can imagine that loving me would be a pain in the ass. I’m not easy to live with.”

“TELL me about it,” I said, rolling my eyes, and he poked me. I started to laugh, and then I coughed. AJ helped me sit up as coughs racked my body.

“No, dammit. NO. It’s Christmas. Not now. Not again,” I heard him whisper. “Dammit, can’t we have one fucking DAY of happiness?”

“We will, Alex, it’s just a cough,” I insisted. I leaned against him, loving the feeling of being held. “It’s Christmas Day. It WILL be happy.”

“Is this a private party or can anyone join in?” Nick poked his head in the door. AJ gave him an annoyed look, but I smiled at him.

“The bigger orgy the better,” I said, then laughed. I coughed once more, and I saw Nick’s eyes meet AJ’s. “Oh, stop it you two. You act like I’m dying or something.” I laughed again, and I could feel AJ’s anger.

“I hate it when you joke about that.”

“Oh, lighten up, Aje.” Nick walked across the room and carefully flopped down next to me. “I wanna sleep in here. Can I?”

“No,” AJ said immediately. “She needs her rest.”

“Of course you can, Nicky,” I replied, giving AJ a look. Nick let out a whoop and stood up, pulling off his tshirt. He wore a pair of shorts, and his feet were cold as he slid into the king-sized bed with me. “There’s room for you in here, too,” I told AJ, and there was. He hardly weighed anything, and I wasn’t much to look at anymore in the weight department.

“No. I am not getting into bed with you and Nick.”

“C’mon, Aje. You KNOW you want in on this,” Nick teased, pulling me tight against him and kissing my cheek. I threw a leg up over Nick’s and pretended to grind up next to him.

“Okay…just to be a chaperone for you two kids,” AJ said. “I gotta go grab some pants. I’ll be back. BEHAVE,” he ordered, and Nick and I laughed.

I stayed snuggled up against Nick, and we talked for a while. I started to doze off when I heard AJ come into the room. “Quiet,” Nick said softly.

“Is she asleep?” I felt Alex climb into bed next to me, and he rolled over to lay spooned up behind me.

“I think so,” Nick whispered. “Did you ask her?”

“Yeah…she said no. Smart girl,” AJ replied, then he sighed. “I hate this. I hate seeing her sick, I hate seeing her frustrated, I hate when she jokes about it.”

“If it helps her, let her do it,” Nick said.

“I know.” I felt AJ kiss the back of my head. “But it makes it real then.”

“It IS real,” Nick said. “Aje, no one knows more about living in an alternate reality than me. But this we can’t kick under the rug.”

“I know,” AJ said, sighing again. “I just feel so guilty.”

“You do? Why?”

AJ hesitated. No one had ever considered the idea of John, and we had never mentioned it. “If I had scooped her up for myself, this never would have happened.”

“And you would have driven her insane and we would have had to commit her to an asylum. So either way it would have been bad.” I could hear the smile in Nick’s voice.

“Shut up, Junior.”

“Keep it down. Go to sleep.” I felt Nick pull me in tighter.

“Merry Christmas, Nick,” AJ said softly. He kissed my neck. “Merry Christmas, Sugar.”

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