I held true to my word. When Alex called that night, I told him I was fine and chatted with him a bit. When Howie called the next day, I was sunshiny and happy. That was it, though. Any time they called after that, Felicia told them I was asleep, or bathing, or we didn’t answer the phone at all. She occasionally returned their calls, just so they didn’t think I had really gotten sick or something, but otherwise I did NOT talk to any of them after the first week in February. I wasn’t about to, either.

I had found a small two-bedroom apartment downtown, and paid first and last month’s rent on it. We could move in on March first. Felicia and I started to pack my things, and she let me know in no uncertain terms how stupid she thought the whole situation was.

“You’re being a selfish bitch,” she said one day as I handed her books from a bookshelf. “You’re only thinking of yourself. You think you can die easier if they’re not around.”

“I am not!” I yelled, shocked. “I’m thinking of THEM. I don’t want them to have to see this.” I paused to catch my breath. Pains were getting worse when I slept, I hated to eat because it hurt and came back up anyway, and I was always short of breath. All the pills in the world weren’t helping, and I was planning on approaching the idea of no more medication to Felicia as soon as she stopped bitching.

“Finally.” She leaned back on her heels and smiled at me. “All this time you’ve bitched about AJ or Howie. You’ve finally admitted it’s nothing they’ve done wrong.”

“Yes, it is. I hate living with Alex. He…” I realized I had been caught. “Okay, fine,” I grumbled. “So what? It’s because I love them.”

“They won’t put up with it,” she told me. I threw a book in the box.

“Well, if they don’t know until it’s too late, they can’t stop me, now can they?” I stomped off to my room and slammed the door. I slid onto the floor, sobbing. I hated not talking to them. I even missed Nick. I just…knew…it was for the best. I held my side, gasping for breath. I knew better than to let myself cry like this. I made myself stop crying and stood up. I jumped as the phone rang, and opened my door a crack.

“Howie, hi!” Felicia said with a grin. I knew that my stubbornness was keeping her from talking to him; she didn’t want to talk to him if I wouldn’t talk to him. “Um…she’s sleeping. Yes, Howie, I know. She sleeps a lot. All the meds. Oh, she’s been kinda under the weather but she’ll be fine soon.” I saw her lean against the wall. “Me? Oh, I’m fine. I miss you, though.”

I crept back into my room and shut the door.

On February 21st, I was packing up the last of my things except for the complete necessities. A moving van was stopping by the next day to put it all together. Felicia was out grocery shopping and I was actually alone. I went up the stairs to AJ’s room and stood in the door. I wondered, if things were different, if I ever would have shared the large bed. I wondered if he would have ever made love to me as the woman he loved, and not a quick lay. A tear slid down my cheek. I would never know that kind of lovemaking.

“What the FUCK is going on here?” A voice behind me yelled and I screamed, clutching the doorframe. I gasped for breath and turned around.

“Alex…what…what are you…” I panted, my chest heaving. AJ’s eyes grew wide.

“AJ, you dumbfuck, are you trying to KILL her?” Howie growled. He helped me onto AJ’s bed and held me as I caught my breath.

“Go away,” I finally snapped.

“We just flew across the fucking COUNTRY from Denver and you say go away?” AJ snapped.

“I don’t…want to talk…to you…” I turned my head and wormed from Howie’s embrace.

“Why are there boxes downstairs?” AJ demanded.

“Aje, calm down,” Howie said. “Maybe Felicia…”

“Those aren’t Felicia’s things.” AJ was furious.

“Go back…to Denver…go to the tour…bastard…” I turned my head, tears streaming. They were both such beautiful sights to my eyes, but I couldn’t drag them into the grave with me. “I thought you’d get the idea…”

“What…that you’re being a grand bitch and stopped talking to us?” AJ snapped, coming over to grab my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “Were you moving out? Were you?” AJ shook me by the shoulders. I refused to answer him, glaring up at him.

“Aje, stop it! You’re gonna hurt her!” Howie yelled. Felicia hurried into the room and grabbed Howie’s arm.

“Howie, come on. He won’t hurt her.” She started to lead him out.

“What’s going on?” He asked. Felicia closed the door behind them.

I struggled to sit up. “Yes, I’m moving. Moving out of this hellhole so you can turn it back into party central. It’s what you want, isn’t it?” My voice bit with all the venom I could muster. If I could have, I would have strode across the room, but my anger was sapping all my strength.

Alex drew back like I had slapped him. “Is that what you think?”

“Do you even care what I think? All you and Felicia care about is what YOU think. When YOU think I should eat, sleep, bathe, anything! I’m sick of it. I’m moving out, and eventually I’m letting her go.” This was a lie, but he didn’t need to know that.

“These drugs are obviously fucking with your head,” he said, staring at me.

“Good, then I can be all fucked up like you,” I said sweetly. AJ drew back his hand to slap me, but at the last minute he stopped and punched the wall instead.

“Holy SHIT that hurt!” He screamed, grabbing his fist with the other hand and wincing. I had to do everything I could not to bathe that hand with kisses.

“Alex, leave,” I said in a dull voice. “I’m leaving, and then you’ll be done with this. We all will. And tell the others to quit fucking calling me. It’s best all around.”

“Fine, if that’s what you want.” AJ strode to the door, still rubbing his knuckles. “I…” he froze at the door and turned around to look at me. “Best all around?” He almost ran back to the bed, kneeling in front of me. “You’re doing this for us, aren’t you? You don’t mean a word of it.”

“I DO,” I insisted. “I hate living here, and you ARE fucked in the head.” I sniffed, tears starting to come without my permission. He raised an eyebrow. “Okay, maybe I don’t hate it here. But you are fucked in the head.” He smiled and said nothing. “Alex…I…I don’t want to be a…burden to you…and…and…” I sobbed so hard I could hardly breathe.

“Relax,” he ordered.

“I…wanted to go…away so you and Howie and Nick didn’t have to…have to watch me…” I looked at him helplessly. “Watch me die,” I finally finished. He put his hands on my face, cradling it.

“Baby, listen to me. We know we don’t have to. We could turn our backs on you in five seconds flat if we wanted to. But we DON’T want to. We want to love you and take care of you for all the time you have left.” His thumbs brushed away tears. “You pushing me away hurt so bad…but I know why you did it and I only love you more for it.”

“Oh, Alex…I’m so sorry…” I brought his injured hand to my face, kissing it desperately. “I thought I was helping you.”

“It’s okay, love.” He drew me into his arms and kissed my forehead.

“What ARE you doing here?” I asked against his shoulder.

“We got sick of Felicia blowing us off, so me and Howie flew out here to find out what was up. We have a concert in Vancouver on the twenty-third, so we kinda have to haul ass back.”

“You came all the way back because I wouldn’t talk to you?” I whispered.

“Well…yeah. We thought maybe you had…uh…died…and she wouldn’t tell us,’ he said softly.

“God, Alex,” I said, ashamed at what I had done. “I’m sorry.”

“No more sorries. Let’s get up and get you downstairs. I’m hungry and I see your Nurse Evil has come back from the store.” I shook my head and allowed him to help me up. For the first time he noticed how weak I was (I could see it in his eyes) but he said nothing. When we opened the door, Howie and Felicia were in a passionate embrace in the hallway. “Cool. Maybe we can have a double wedding,” AJ said, and they pulled apart.

“I’m not marrying you, Alex,” I said as we went down the steps.

“You said maybe,” he reminded me, and we continued to joke as we walked downstairs.

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