And so I went home. It wasn’t easy, the doctor really tried to press me to continue taking the wonderful cocktail of drugs she concocted for me, but I was adamant. I wanted to go home, I wanted to die at home, and when I did, I wanted it to be natural. I wanted nothing pulling me back when it was my time to go.

I dealt with the whole situation very calmly. Howie, Nick, Alex and even Felicia did not. For obvious reasons, Howie went pretty much ballistic when Alex and I told him that not only was I not going to continue taking all the medication, but when the time came I did NOT want to be resuscitated. He freaked and didn’t talk to me for a week. Nick turned pale when I told him one day when we were alone. He was reading me some of his poetry; he knew how much I enjoyed it. I told him that I wanted him to read some at my memorial service (AJ and I had planned it out, with me telling him exactly what I wanted). Nick started to say that he knew I’d be around for a while, but I interrupted him and gently set him straight. He made his excuses and left the house, and for the first time in a while, I cried. We had come to love each other like older sister/little brother, and I think it finally hit him at that moment.

Alex freaked in a different way. His way of freaking was to wait on me hand and foot, and if it hadn’t gotten annoying very quickly, it would have been hysterical. Felicia would stand in the doorway shaking her head as AJ fussed over me, plumping my pillows, bringing me gifts and treats, until finally I screamed at him and made him leave the room. The screaming brought on a serious cough, and Felicia took the opportunity to yell at him, trying to make him feel guilty. I think they enjoyed making each other’s life hell, and in their own way it helped them deal with the situation.

Felicia had quickly become my best female friend, since all of my other supposed friends had conveniently disappeared. I loved to tease her about Howie, and it was no longer a secret that they were involved. The first night she actually slept at his house I couldn’t WAIT for her to return, eager to start the teasing. But when she came in to check on me late in the morning, she was ready, ordering me not to say one word or she’d kill me herself. I howled with laughter.

The days passed, and I almost got tired of waiting. I had resigned myself to the end, and when the end didn’t come, I actually started to get hopeful. I tried doing a little more each day, and I realized I didn’t want to give up that easily. I laughed a lot more, smiled a lot more, and Alex finally began to lighten up. He did everything he could to make me smile, and when Howie finally came back to the house on a regular basis to see me as well as Felicia, I smiled more often.

The most surprising person of all was Kevin. All of the Backstreet Boys visited on a regular basis, of course, but it was with Kevin that I could be brutally honest. Kevin understood as no one did. He had been on the other side…he had been in the place of the one left behind, and he could tell me what the others were feeling, and I could explain my side of things. It relieved a lot of stress for me to be able to confide in him, and I knew what I said would go no further than my bedroom door. Because of what he told me, I was a lot more patient with Alex, and even Howie, for I could understand now where they were coming from. I realized how lucky I was; many AIDS patients are not fortunate enough to have friends they could trust.

“Okay, I’m out of here,” Felicia said one Friday night. She was going to stay with Howie for the weekend, something I had been pushing her to do for weeks. “The Ogre has all the numbers, right?”

“Yes, Felicia,” I sighed. She called Alex “The Ogre” and he called her “The Wicked Witch of Florida.” “He had them before you did!”

She ignored me. “You need anything, you call. I so shouldn’t be going,” she sighed.

“Felicia, get your bitchy ass out of here before I kick it out,” I snapped, and she laughed out loud.

“Yes, ma’am. Have a nice weekend.”

“Um, okay,” I said, confused. “You too.”

I heard the front door slam as she left. I slowly pulled myself out of bed and began to put my laundry away. If I didn’t, Alex would come in and do it, and I didn’t need to hear him telling me my lingerie wasn’t sexy enough. He was so weird.

“And what are you doing?” He leaned in the doorway.

“What does it look like, doofus? I’m redesigning the wheel,” I snapped. He could be so annoying.

“No. This is what you’re going to do. You’re gonna take a bath that I will draw for you, wash your body from head to toe with something that smells good, and then you’re gonna wear…” he pawed through my closet. “This.” He yanked out a short black dress.

“Alex, what’s going on?”

“Just do it,” he ordered, going into my bathroom and starting the tub. I sighed and walked to the bathroom, pulling my nightshirt over my head as I went.

When I arrived downstairs thirty minutes later, he was in the living room watching TV. He smiled as he saw me enter the room, and I gasped as he stood. He wore a black suit with a grey shirt underneath, and his unruly dark hair was brushed until the curls shone. “Wow, Alex, you look amazing.”

“Not as amazing as you.” He kissed my cheek and inhaled. “Mmm…peaches.” I knew he loved my peach shower gel, and I had used it lavishly. My hair was piled up in a simple bun, and I wore plain gold earrings and a gold chain he had given me for my birthday.

“What’s going on?” I demanded.

“We are going on a date. I promised you a long time ago that I would take you out for dinner and dancing, and we’re doing it tonight.” He opened the front door.

“Alex, this isn’t funny,” I said sadly. “You know I can’t…I can hardly keep food down…and I get so weak, I can’t dance. People will laugh at me.”

“Leave it all up to me.” He walked over to me and cupped my chin in his hand. “Do you really think I would do something that would make you feel uncomfortable?”

“Well…no…” I admitted.

“Damn straight. Let’s GO,” he insisted, giving me a very gentle shove to the door.

“Oh, Alex!” I gasped as he swiftly pulled the car into a parking space. “The Grille?” I couldn’t believe this. This was the hottest spot in the city at that moment, and I had never thought I would get to go there.

“You said you wanted to see what it was like…” AJ walked around the car and opened my door. “M’lady…” He held out his hand to help me out.

“Oh, Alex,” was all I could say. He helped me out of the car, and we slowly made our way to a side door. “What’s going on?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he replied. He knocked on the door and it opened. A short balding man smiled at us.

“Ah, Mr. McLean. So glad you could join us for dinner this evening.” He led us to a table about three steps from the door. It was a semi-circular booth, and it faced away from the rest of the crowd, towards a large window. The host smiled at us, handed us menus, then left.

I was still in shock. I could see out on the dining room, but they couldn’t really see me. It was like a dream. I opened my menu and my eyes widened. “Alex, there isn’t anything in the menu.”

“Yeah, there is.” He leaned over and flipped a page. I read the words and smiled. What was on the menu was my normal bland fare, but it was worded so eloquently I didn’t even recognize it as first. A waiter approached the table. “We’ll both have the special.”

“Yes, sir.” The waiter took the menus, smiled, and left the table. AJ reached over and took my hand.

“Alex, you can’t eat that crap,” I protested.

“YOU do. I can eat it, too,” he insisted. “And I need to be light on my feet for our dancing later.”

“You’re crazy,” I said, shaking my head.

It was the most fantastic evening I could remember. We talked, we laughed, we ate boring food, and no one made fun of me or whispered. I almost didn’t want to leave two hours later. AJ left the waiter a huge tip, and we snuck out our special back door. He helped me back into his car.

“Do you have your dancing shoes on?” Alex asked with a grin.

“AJ, I’m not dancing. I can’t,” I said sadly. At that moment I wished I WERE dead. I hated not being able to do everything I once loved. “I guess I’m not a very good date.”

“Listen to me, dumbass,” AJ snapped, turning to face me. “I love you, okay? Did you miss that part? We have NEVER been on a date, and this is everything I could have wanted. A beautiful girl on my arm that I care about…just shut the hell up and let me take care of everything, okay?” I could only nod, shocked by his outburst. He put the car into drive and floored it out of the parking lot.

I silently stared out the window, drinking everything in. It was a clear night, and the sky seemed to sparkle with stars. We only drove a few miles, and I smiled when I saw where we were. The parking lot of Howie’s club was empty. “Does he know we’re coming here?” I asked.

“Who do you think approved the closing of the club until ten?” Alex asked me as he opened my door. He took my hand and led me to the door. He knocked and one of the large bouncers opened the door.

“Hey, Aje, what’s happening?” They shook hands and he smiled down at me. “Hey there, little lady.”

“Hi,” I said shyly. AJ led me into the room. The only people in the entire club were a bartender, the bouncer and the DJ.

“So, kids, what kind of music do you want?” The DJ called out.

“Start with a slow one,” AJ ordered, and took me in his arms. I couldn’t believe this. I felt like Cinderella. I knew my midnight was coming soon, but for that moment, all I could feel was happy and alive.

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