Now each day is one day that’s left in her life…she won’t know love…have a marriage…or sing lullabies…
“Here I am, with the booze, as requested,” AJ said as he kissed my cheek. He handed over the bottle of wine, reminding me of the party so long ago when I had made the same gesture to Howie. I didn’t drink wine, not with all the medication I was taking. But even without all that, I couldn’t drink it. It reminded me of HIM.
“Thank you, Alex.” I hugged him long and hard. As he wrapped his arms around me, I felt him wince.
“Yes, I’m losing weight. Hey, what better diet than an illness?” I asked cheerfully.
“Not funny, babe,” Alex said angrily. I whirled around in the hallway, my eyes blazing.
“You know what, AJ? I’M the one that decides what’s funny in my life, okay? I’M the one who has to deal with this shit, and if making dumb jokes is how I deal with it, then you fucking take it or roll, okay? I don’t need your pissy attitude. If I wanted a pissy attitude I’d just deal with myself all the time.” I stomped down the hall to the kitchen, tossing the wine into a bucket of ice. I then started to cough. I grabbed a dishcloth and held it to my mouth to catch any mucous. I felt a slim hand rub my back as another arm came around my waist. I leaned back against AJ’s lithe body, grateful for the support.
“Shh…calm down, sweetheart.” He continued to rub my back until the coughing ceased. He slowly turned me around. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Forgive me?” His brown eyes were apologetic.
“Already forgiven,” I croaked. “Sorry I blew up.”
“I should be used to it, since Kevin blows up at us all on a regular basis,” he said with a grin. “You’re right. If you feel the need to make jokes, go ahead. Especially today.”
“Yeah, especially today,” I repeated with a sigh. Today I was going to tell Howie, Brian, Kevin and Nick about the illness.
“Sit down. I’ll set the table.” AJ shoved me into a chair and went to my cupboards. “How are you feeling?”
“Well, I have this cough, as you see. I’ve had it for a while now.” I saw AJ freeze then quickly recover. I knew what he was thinking. He told me he had been doing research online and through books, and I knew he was thinking about the pneumonia. It could end my life right now if the cough wasn’t just a cough. Over the three months since I had seen him last, my doctor had confirmed that I definitely WAS past the HIV part and into the area of AIDS related complexes. I hadn’t told AJ the worst of things; if he called I said I was fine. I usually wasn’t, and I knew he probably didn’t believe me when I said it, but he pretended and I pretended and we got through it. Starting this day, however, there would be no more pretending. Once I was honest with the rest of the group I needed to start being honest with Alex…and myself.
“Well, you look good,” he told me, and I could tell by his voice that he meant it. “I mean, I expected to come here finding some ugly sick person, when instead a gorgeous hottie answers the door. Ya sure we don’t have time for a quickie? They aren’t supposed to get here for another fifteen minutes.”
I laughed until I coughed again, but this time AJ smiled. I knew he was trying to cheer me up. “As appetizing as that sounds, Alex, you know that someone is always early, and that usually it’s…”
“Hey, all!” Brian cheerfully yelled through my door. “Can I come in?”
“Brian,” AJ and I finished together, chuckling.
“This was yummy,” Nick declared with a sigh after dinner. “I miss home cooked meals.”
“Your mom doesn’t cook much?” I asked. The other guys laughed and looked at Nick. He smiled up at me.
“When she’s home, which is rare, she doesn’t cook. My dad cooks. My sisters cook. Hell, even I cook on occasion. But not Mom.”
“Ah.” I cleared dishes away. AJ quickly jumped up to help me, earning shocked looks from his bandmates.
“Bone, you feeling okay?” Howie asked.
“Aje, she loves you anyway…no need to impress her,” Brian pointed out.
“I wanna help. Just call me Betty Crocker,” AJ said over his shoulder as he went into the kitchen. I followed him. “You make coffee. I’ll get the guys settled in the living room,” he told me, giving me a smacking kiss on the cheek. He cupped my chin in his hand. “I’m here for you, okay?” I nodded, smiling nervously. He hurried back to the dining room and started herding his friends into my small living room.
“Thanks for having us over,” Kevin said to me when I entered the living room. He helped me balance the tray I was carrying as I handed out coffee mugs. “It’s nice to have just a quiet meal like this. This tour was crazy.”
“I bet,” I said quietly.
“I thought you woulda come out to see us more,” Howie said accusingly. I had traveled to St. Petersburg at the end of February to see the show, but otherwise I didn’t want to travel. The three months since I had seen them had not been easy. I had done fairly well physically, but emotionally I had been a wreck. The realization of the fact that the days allotted to me were quite numbered was not something I could easily accept.
“I tried. I was busy,” I lied. I WAS able to do some work from home but it was very exhausting. I was planning on finishing up about a dozen designs before calling it quits all together. Luckily I had saved most of my money.
“We’re all together now so that’s really all that matters, isn’t it?” Brian asked quickly, ever the peacemaker.
“Right,” I said, smiling at him gratefully. I sat next to AJ on the sofa and took a deep breath. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I have something to tell you guys. It hasn’t been easy, and I should have told you sooner.”
Everyone froze and stared at me. Howie’s eyes darted from me to AJ and back again. “You’re pregnant,” he snapped. “YOU knocked her up, didn’t you?” Howie growled at AJ.
“Howie, I…” AJ held up a hand.
“You fucking prick. Couldn’t you keep it in your pants for FIVE seconds? And when you had it out, couldn’t you fucking cover it up?” Howie almost yelled. I knew that he was jealous of the friendship that had sprouted up between AJ and I but this was crazy.
“Howie, calm the hell down or leave my house!” I shouted, jumping to my feet. I coughed for a minute then composed myself. “Stop it, NOW! I’m not pregnant, for God’s sake!” I coughed again, unable to continue. AJ rubbed my back until I could breathe normally. Howie stared at me, still angry.
“Are you two getting married or something?” Nick asked softly. AJ and I looked at each other and burst into laughter.
“Oh, if it were only that easy!” I said, trying not to cough as I laughed.
“C’mon, Nicky, she’s MUCH smarter than that,” AJ said, smiling at me kindly. “Even SHE wouldn’t torture herself like that. Marry me? Puhleeze.”
“Then what is going on?” Kevin asked impatiently. AJ and I sobered quickly. We sat down and he once more held my hand.
“Howie, I want you to know that I didn’t mean to hide anything from you. You’ll always be my best friend and I will love you as long as I live.” The thought hit me hard. “As long as I live” might not even be that long. “I had to tell Alex first because…because it involved him.” I felt myself start to cry and I willed the tears back. “Howie…I…” I faltered at the words. How do you tell your best friend that you’re dying?
“Honey, you can tell me.” Gone was the angry Howie. Kneeling in front of my was my very best friend. “You could always tell me anything. Tell Howie, honey. Tell me and we’ll fix it…we’ll make it right.”
“You can’t fix this one, D,” AJ said in a dull tone. Howie’s dark eyes flickered over to him and then back to me.
“I have AIDS, Howie,” I said, my voice sounding unfamiliar. “I have AIDS and I’m dying. I don’t know how much longer I…”
“No.” Howie stood and took two steps backwards, shaking his head. “No. No you don’t. You are the most responsible person I know. You can’t. No.” He continued to shake his head as his tone leaned towards the hysterical. “No way. No. Was it that bastard ex of yours…what’s his name…Adam?”
“No, not Adam. Though I HAVE called him, and thank GOD he has tested negative. He’s going to test again, but I think he’s safe. We were always careful,” I said, knowing I sounded as if I were babbling. I allowed my eyes to flick over to Brian, Nick and Kevin. Their eyes were huge and their mouths formed big Os.
“See? Always careful. There’s no way. You don’t have AIDS. You’re probably just worn out…you get worn out so quickly,” Howie continued, denial filling his voice.
“That’s what I thought, Howie,” I said gently, standing and putting a hand on his arm. He shrugged it off. “I thought I was just tired…then they did tests…and now I know. I’m on some preventative drugs…not only do I always have this cold but they think I may have a type of skin cancer, which explains these.” I lifted my shirt and showed the tiny spots of cancerous lesions that surrounded my chest and abdomen. Kevin and Nick gasped. Brian’s face was white but he said nothing. AJ also paled; I hadn’t revealed this to him. “I’m having radiation treatments for these, though they hurt like a bitch.”
Howie stepped back again, almost tripping over Nick’s long legs. “You need to stop this.”
“Howie, please. I need you to be strong for me, okay? I can’t do this alone,” I finally allowed myself to wail. “I need my friends around me. How can I be strong for you if you can’t be strong for me?”
“I need to go. Need to leave.” Howie stumbled to the door and managed to open it. He left without looking back. I sobbed with my face in my hands. I heard AJ behind me.
“Babygirl…”
“No. Let me.” I heard Kevin say the words as strong arms enveloped me. I cried against his broad chest gratefully. “I know we’re not that close. But if you need me, you call. I know…” Kevin paused. “I know what it’s like to watch someone you care about get so sick. Howie is in shock now…but he’ll be back.”
“Thank you…Ke-Ke-Kevin,” I tried to speak through my sobs. “I…understand if you…guys don’t want to…be around me.”
“Why?” Brian asked. “You’re sick. So what? Doesn’t change who you are,” he finished simply. I looked at him around Kevin’s embrace.
“I promise you guys that I don’t fuck around,” I said quietly. “I just must’ve made a mistake somewhere. The only perfect protection is no sex at all.”
“We don’t think you DID fuck around,” Kevin said to me. I peeked around Kevin on the other side. Guilt was plastered all over AJ’s face. I had told him time and time again that it wasn’t his fault, he hadn’t made me hook up with John, but he still could not forgive himself. I wormed myself away from Kevin and put my arms around AJ. We hugged and I looked at the others.
“Thank you,” I said gratefully. They nodded, knowing what I meant. I was glad they hadn’t run…I’d need all the friends I could get now.