She lays alone and cries herself to sleep…’cause she let a stranger kill her hopes and her dreams, and all her friends say what a pity what a loss…
“What color is it again?” Howie asked me as we drove from the airport to the hotel.
“Sage,” I told him for the tenth time.
“That’s green, D,” AJ offered helpfully from the backseat.
“I KNOW that, Aje,” Howie snapped, exasperated. “I still dunno why you won’t let me SEE the dress.”
“I haven’t bought anything new in ages, and I want this to be a surprise for you. Howie, as your date for Kevin’s wedding I want to look SPECTACULAR!”
“You will,” Howie said, reaching over to squeeze my hand.
“Besides, D, I helped her shop,” AJ pointed out.
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Howie replied.
I smiled as they continued to bicker. This trip to Kentucky was a big deal for me. My health had been holding steady enough for me to travel, although both Alex and Howie had had serious long discussions with my doctor just in case. If you didn’t know me well, you wouldn’t know by looking at me that I was so sick.
“Okay, young lady, your room is between me and Howie,” Alex informed me as we pulled into the hotel parking lot. We were staying in the hotel where the reception would be. Kevin was wise; he knew many of his guests would leave the party intoxicated. “If you need anything, you yell, understand?”
“Oh, no,” I moaned dramatically. “So I get to hear you getting busy all night?”
“Maybe I was planning on getting busy with YOU,” AJ retorted with a grin.
“You should sleep with me,” Howie told me, getting my suitcase from the trunk. “It’s safer.”
“Ha,” AJ interrupted. “That Sweet D appearance is deceiving.”
“Hey!” Nick waved from the second floor stairwell overlooking the pool. “We have these awesome suites!” He jogged down the steps and threw me over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. “Come see!”
“Nick, careful!” AJ barked.
“Alex, I’m fine. Relaxxxxx…” The last sounds of my words were filled with giggles as Nick carried me up the stairs. I saw Howie and AJ shake their heads.
We were all invited to the rehearsal dinner, but I declined and stayed back at the hotel. AJ tried to decline but I smacked him and told him to quit being such a worrywart. I made sure he was safely in the back of Howie’s rental car before I went into my suite. Two seconds later there was a knock on the door. “Alexander James, if you…” I began as I opened the door. “Nick…hey.”
“Hey,” Nick shuffled his feet nervously. “I didn’t feel like going. Wanna take a walk?”
“Um, sure!” I said, pleasantly surprised that he had sought me out. “Let me get my sneakers on.” I threw on sneakers without socks and we walked down the steps.
Nick took my hand and swung it between us. “I just didn’t feel like dealing with all that…the family and all.” He stared up at the stars and I watched his handsome face. “It’s hard…I mean, Kev and Bri have this awesome family, and mine is…well…dysfunctional.”
I giggled. That was an understatement. “I understand, Nick. I feel weird here, too. I’m happy for Kevin and I want to share in his joy, but underneath it’s so sad.”
Nick stopped walking and took both of my hands in his. “OhmyGod. You know, I didn’t even think about that. Stupid Blond Moment number four hundred and thirty. I’m so sorry. This must kill you.” He gasped as he realized his word choice. “I mean…I…”
I laughed and stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “It’s okay, Nick. The last thing I want is people walking on eggshells around me. I just want to be normal as long as I can, okay?”
“Okay.” We walked a few more blocks and I started to tire. Nick noticed. “Hey, there is a pizza sign. Want pizza?”
I had been trying to eat healthy, willing to try anything to keep myself from getting sicker. Suddenly I wanted pizza like it was going out of style. “I would LOVE pizza,” I told him.
“Race you,” he said, and took off down the block. I pretended to run after him, but stopped as soon as I felt the familiar build up in my lungs.
“No,” I whispered. “No. Not again.” I leaned on a building and prayed for the cough to stay down.
Kevin’s wedding was beautiful. Kristin looked gorgeous, and they both were so incredibly happy that I could not help but forget my own sadness in their joy. Glasses were hit every five minutes so they would kiss, and the alcohol flowed. I didn’t drink but made fun of Nick and Alex as they quickly got intoxicated. As the bride and groom took the dance floor for their first dance, I excused myself to use the restroom. This was one thing I couldn’t watch without feeling incredibly sorry for myself.
I entered the bathroom, wondering why fancy hotels always seemed to have lobbies in their restrooms. “Yes, the brunette,” I heard a familiar voice say. “The one with Howie.” I froze. It was Leighanne, Brian’s fiancée. We had always gotten along, and I knew she wasn’t maliciously gossiping about me.
“The one in green. Go on,” a second female voice said.
“She has AIDS,” Leighanne said, lowering her voice. The other voice gasped. “I know. She’s such a sweet little thing, too. What a pity.”
The last thing I wanted was pity. I cleared my throat loudly and made a racket coming into the bathroom. “Hey, Leighanne. Wasn’t the wedding beautiful? I guess you’re next, huh?”
“Yes, though I bet ours will be nothing like this,” she said with a friendly smile. We chatted a bit more and then she returned outside with her friend. I stared at the mirror for a long moment, willing the tears back. I couldn’t cry. Not here. Not now. I slowly made my way back to the party. I found Alex.
“Alex, I’m going upstairs,” I said over the music. He smiled at me in his crooked way.
“No, honey, stay here. I didn’t get to dance with you.”
“I don’t want to dance. I need to leave.”
Alex sobered instantly. “Are you okay?”
“Physically, yes. I just…I need to go.”
His brown eyes were full of understanding. “Okay, baby.” He kissed my cheek. “I’ll find D and tell him.”
“Thank you.” I went over and said my goodbyes to Kristin and Kevin, then found Nick. “Be careful, Nicky. Try to slow down.”
“I am down slowed…I mean, slowed down. I promise,” he vowed, his blue eyes big. He gave me a wet kiss on the cheek. I quickly said goodbye to Brian and Leighanne and hurried up to my suite.
I actually made it out of my dress and into my pajamas before the floodgates opened. I sobbed long and hard into my pillow, screaming into the fabric of the pillowcase. It wasn’t fair. Wasn’t fair that I should lose everything, things that I hadn’t even had the chance to HAVE yet. I hated the thought of people pitying me, though I knew that everyone who found out DID pity me. At least the ones who didn’t think I was a slut or a drug user. People were still very closed-minded about AIDS.
I cried for about twenty minutes, until I started to dose off. I was almost asleep when I heard a knock on my door. “Go away!” I called.
“Baby, it’s me…lemme in,” I heard AJ say. I sighed and turned on a light, padding to the door on my bare feet.
“Alex, I told you, I don’t want anything to do with you when you’re drunk,” I said.
“I’m not drunk…so much…” AJ replied, his brown eyes very serious. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I moved aside. AJ loosened his tie and took off his jacket. He unbuttoned the shirt all the way but left it on.
“You owe me,” he said, taking a CD from his jacket pocket and popping it into the stereo. Christina Aguilera’s “I Turn to You” came through the speakers. “You owe me a dance.”
“Alex, I don’t…”
“Shh. Dance.” He pulled me into his arms and snuggled me close. I sighed and allowed my body to lean against him. “Just dance…forget the rest and dance with me. Let me hold you…” I did as he asked and soon the pain flew away in the music…and all that was left was me and Alex…