The summer passed quickly, and as the days turned cooler my health failed once more. I caught a slight case of the flu that lasted for weeks. AJ and Howie took turns freaking out, and as I tried to calm them down I hardly had time to freak out myself. I secretly felt that they were overreacting just so I wouldn’t. They were hard at work on their new CD, tentatively titled “Black and Blue.” I liked the title. I thought it was mysterious, and each of the guys had their own meaning for it.
I was at my desk one day in August when AJ came running into my house. He and Howie each had keys in case something would happen. I jumped and shuffled some papers around. “Alex! For God’s sake, can’t you fucking KNOCK?” I snapped angrily. AJ stopped short in the doorway and stared at me.
“What’s the big deal? I come in unannounced all the time.”
“Well…maybe…maybe I was busy,” I said, still angry. “Please knock next time.” I stood up and some of the papers fell to the floor.
“Yes, ma’am,” AJ shot back, bending down to help me pick them up. “I…” His brown eyes carelessly flitted over the paper on top and he froze. I walked away, my back to him. “What is this?”
“What does it look like, dumbass? It’s my will.”
“Your will? Baby, I don’t see why you need this. You’re beating this thing. You’re doing real good.”
“Real good?” I whirled around, my frustrations flowing out at him. “Alex, you’re not here at night. You’re out partying and having a good time, getting drunk off your ass, fucking all your little groupies. I’m here, throwing up. I’m here, too sick to eat. I’m here, pouring so many different kinds of drugs into my body that I might as WELL be drinking cocktails. You have no clue HOW I’m doing. Go back to your party and leave me the fuck alone!” I brushed past him and went down the hall, will in hand.
Alex followed me to the guestroom where my safe was located behind a painting on the wall. “Don’t EVEN turn this on me. I OFFERED to be here for you, and you told me not to bother. I offered to stay over all kinds of times and you said that you didn’t NEED me.” He grabbed my by the arm and whirled me around. “Besides, this is NO ONE’S fault but yours.”
My hand flew out and struck his face. “Well, if you hadn’t have introduced me to your slut friend, maybe I wouldn’t be here DYING, Alex!” I screamed. Guilt filled his eyes as horror filled my heart. Just as I couldn’t believe what he had said, I couldn’t believe the words that had left my mouth. “Oh…Alex…I…”
“Babygirl…I’m so sorry.” Tears began to pour down his cheeks. “Sorry for everything…what I said…what John did…I…I…” His slim shoulders heaved with sobs. “I never knew…I never would have even introduced you…”
“No…no, Alex…don’t…it’s not your fault. I didn’t mean it. You couldn’t have known. I’m sorry, too.” I hugged him as we cried. “I didn’t mean to take it out on you. I’m just so tired.” We slowly tumbled to the floor in each other’s arms. “I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of putting on the happy face. I’m tired of being sick. Tired of being tired.”
“Honey, stop being strong. Stop putting on the happy face. No one expects it.”
“But everyone else is so happy, getting ready for Brian’s wedding. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone.”
“You won’t.” AJ cradled my head on his shoulder and pushed hair from my face.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to go to the wedding,” I said softly. AJ pulled back to look at me. “I just…I don’t think I’ll be able to do it. The trip to Georgia…everything else. There’s gonna be a lot of publicity, and I don’t want to be around all that,” I said, looking at him. “You understand, right? I already told Howie.”
“Of course. I don’t want you to be there if you’d be uncomfortable,” he said. “There’ll be a lot of pictures, and I’m sure SOMEONE will be videotaping it.”
We sat in silence for a moment. “Why did you run in here all excited?” I asked.
“Oh, that.” I could hear the excitement creep back into AJ’s voice. “Guess what we’re doing to start the CD?”
“What?”
“We’re doing this one hundred hour tour of the world, stopping in every continent as the CD is released. Sweden, Japan, Australia, Brazil, South Africa, then New York. November seventeenth to November twenty-first. Is that crazy or what?”
I stared at him. “That’s ridiculous. You’ll be a wreck by the end.”
“Probably. But it would be amazing. All those places. And we’ve never been to Africa…at least I don’t THINK so. And that MTV show “Diary” is gonna go with us and tape everything.” AJ looked totally thrilled. I sighed. This meant they would all be gone again, and I had gotten so used to calling AJ or Howie or even Kevin when I was down.
“I’ll miss you.”
“You could come,” AJ suggested. I rolled my eyes.
“Hardly. This is gonna be a killer trip for a healthy person. I’d never make it.”
“So we’d leave you in Japan and come back for you,” AJ said with a grin. I poked him.
“Any idea when you’ll start the real tour?”
“Probably January or February of next year. We’re gonna try to travel more outside of the US, too.” He kissed my forehead. “Maybe you’ll be feeling better and you can come along.”
“Maybe,” I said with a sigh.
September came and went, and I was not able to attend Brian and Leighanne’s wedding. I read about it in magazines, and watched the footage on Entertainment Tonight. They looked so happy, and it really did look like a fairytale wedding. I saw pictures online of the guys, and every one of them looked less than sober. Howie brought back a home video of the wedding and parts of the reception, and when I saw Brian sing his own song for Leighanne, I sat and sobbed. Once again, I felt sorry for myself. I tried my best not to get down like that, but I couldn’t help it sometimes. AJ and I had another spat, and he finally accused me of trying to push me away so he wouldn’t get hurt when I was so ill. I told him he was flattering himself, and he threw a glass of water in my face. Howie had walked into the house just then, and he told us if we didn’t start behaving, he would ground us both. That cracked us up, and we both apologized.
The week before the Black and Blue one hundred hour tour, AJ, Howie and Nick were coming over for an impromptu Thanksgiving dinner with me. They would be with their families for the holiday, but they wanted to celebrate something with me. Brian and Kevin were both spending time with their wives before they would have to go away. The men were bringing the food, all I had to do was set the table. The only problem was that I had absolutely no strength. I spent the entire morning in bed, and when Nick arrived at eleven with cranberry sauce and Italian bread, I was in the bathroom vomiting.
“Oh shit. Oh no.” I heard a thud and prayed that cranberry sauce was not seeping into my beige bedroom carpet. “Um…should I call the police? A doctor? Nine one one?” Nick was frantic.
“No…Nick…” I croaked. “Just go away…”
“No, you need help. Oh fuck.” Nick ran around in circles in my bedroom, and if I hadn’t been throwing up, I would have laughed hysterically.
“Junior, what the hell…oh.” I heard AJ’s voice and was relieved. “Here. Take this. Go to the kitchen and start finding bowls and plates and things. GO!” He barked. I felt his hands on my forehead. “And just how long have you been this sick?”
“Last night,” I whispered.
“And you didn’t call us why?”
“I wanted…special dinner…you’re leaving…” I whispered. AJ sighed and cradled me against him.
“Oh, babygirl.”
“What’s up?” Howie strolled into the bathroom. “Oh, how nice. A little tryst in the bathroom again? I thought you guys had been here, done this.”
“Dammit. We’re busted,” AJ said, grinning up at Howie. I had to giggle. Here I was in my Little Mermaid nightshirt, hair a mess, skin deathly pale, weighing about fifty pounds soaking wet, and I had just finished throwing up. I was sure the LAST thing I was to AJ was a turnon.
“Are you okay?” Howie wanted to know. “From the way Nick talked, you were barfing up a lung.”
“I’m fine,” I insisted. AJ pinched me lightly.
“No, Miss Liar, you are not. She has been very ill since last night and didn’t call and tell us.”
“Bitch,” Howie said to me. “Should we leave?”
“No, please don’t,” I begged. “I want you to stay.”
“Okay,” AJ said. “You’re not gonna eat, are you?”
I shook my head. “Not a big turkey dinner.”
“That’s what I thought,” Howie said, “which is why I brought you a nice bowl of turkey broth and some special cranberry jello salad my mom taught me to make. We’ll just have to eat all the turkey dinner ourselves.”
“Can’t I even have mashed potatoes?” I mourned as AJ helped me up.
“Only if you shower and clean up.” Howie waved his hand in front of his face. “You have vomit breath.”
“Oh, thanks,” I said, lightly shoving them out of the bathroom so I could shower.
We had a very nice dinner, though I couldn’t eat very much of it. I ate some potatoes and the broth and jello salad while the men pigged out on turkey and dressing and potatoes and corn and cranberry sauce. AJ kept a close eye on me throughout the meal, and I noticed him watching me with a strange look on his face. They cleaned up, then we all watched a video. I dozed off on AJ’s lap, and when I woke up, Howie and Nick were gone.
“Oh, God, what kind of hostess am I?” I groggily sat up.
“They weren’t offended. They’re used to it by now,” AJ said, ruffling my hair. “Look, girlie, there’s something I need to ask you.”
“Go ahead.” I leaned across him to turn on a lamp.
“I want you to marry me.”
I almost fell off the sofa. “Excuse me?”
AJ gently pushed me back and slid off the sofa, kneeling in front of me. In his hand was a beautiful diamond ring. “I want you to be my wife.”
“Alex, stop it,” I giggled. He didn’t laugh. “Alex?”
“I want to marry you. Before I go away, before I go on tour.”
“Alex, marrying me isn’t going to make me well,” I said softly.
“That’s not why,” he said stubbornly. “I love you, and…”
“I love you, too, but marriage is wrong. I could be no kind of wife to you,” I said gently. “And you know I couldn’t…we couldn’t…”
“No big deal,” he shrugged, and I had to laugh out loud.
“You give up sex? Puhleeze. And I would divorce you if you cheated on me,” I teased. “Alex, I appreciate it, but you know we don’t love each other like that. It wouldn’t be right.” I took the ring and looked at it. “It IS beautiful, though.”
“Then let me ask you this.” AJ came back up to sit next to me. “I want you to move in with me. It’s crazy for you to be here all alone. I have someone that I hire to take care of the place while I’m gone…I’ll just see if I can’t find a housekeeper with some sort of medical background.”
“AJ, I don’t think…”
“DON’T say no,” he begged. His eyes were very dark. “Howie and I have discussed this and…”
“HOWIE and you? It has nothing to do with you,” I snapped.
“It has EVERYTHING to do with us,” AJ interrupted. “WE’RE the ones who have to worry about you while we’re gone. Not just for a hundred hours, but for all the days we’re on tour. Please. I’m begging you. Seeing you so sick tonight really scared me.” His grasp on my hand was tight. “I would feel so much better.”
“Okay,” I finally relented. It WOULD be easier all around. “Okay.”
“Good.” He pulled me into his arms. “Thank you,” he whispered into my hair.